The Paradox of Choice and Dating.

[Liamson]

Essentially the Paradox of Choice is a Psychological Theory which proposes that if a person has 2 choices, they are fine. 6 choices you are also okay but, if a person has like 24 good choices. They often freeze up and choose nothing. The fear of missing out on the wrong choice or regretting the choice that they have made, leads them to being critical of minor details and problems with each selection.

It also leads to unrealistically high expectations and even depression. In a society where the expectation is that with so much choice, there should be no reason not to find someone perfect for you, the self imposed letdowns can be enormous.


We are taught that the more information we have and the more information we can provide about ourselves, the better off we are in the dating realm. But with so many people looking for "Perfection" its really impossible to meet someone else's definition of perfection. So much factors how a person's ideals are shaped, that even subtle things influence a person's choices without them even realizing it.

So with so many options, even if perfection is staring you in the face, you may not choose it, if in fact you make a choice at all. And even if you pick the best and right person for you, you could find yourself depressed thinking about all of the choices that you missed out on. Wondering if you made the wrong choice.

You might even leave a relationship for a worse one, simply because its different enough that you perceive it as better.




Too much of a good thing? Variety is confusing in mate choice

Dating and the challenge of too many choices – The Chart - CNN.com Blogs

 

[Zemphyra]

Very thought provoking. Living in a small town means fewer options in relation to dating, and because I didn't grow up in the church I'm in I often feel like the guys who attend already know so many of the girls that I don't even register on their radar which is okay with me. My sister who isn't into religion is utterly gorgeous and she could get a guy with a snap of her fingers (at least sometimes it feels like that), but she is always in and out of relationships like she is seeking someone, well perfect, and because she can't seem to find what it is she is looking for she is often stricken with depressive thoughts and gets drunk to avoid her feelings. Makes me realise how lucky and blessed I am not to have so many options. Thank you for sharing, Liamson

 

[persNickety]

However, with the small numbers of single men in the church vs. women. It's a small pond to choose. And yet... There are many Christian singles.

 

[wisebeardman]

many have the looking for the greener grass syndrome. they always trying to find the greener grass, but never do.

 

[Liamson]

many have the looking for the greener grass syndrome. they always trying to find the greener grass, but never do.

Yes indeed.

But its like being worried about greener grass before you buy grass. Staying worried about buying the wrong grass and getting stuck with it. So many choices.

 

[ServantStrike]

Yes indeed.

But its like being worried about greener grass before you buy grass. Staying worried about buying the wrong grass and getting stuck with it. So many choices.

Not a grass metaphor but...


When life pees in your pool of dreams, add chlorine and keep swimming. Just dive in.

 

[FireWire]

many have the looking for the greener grass syndrome. they always trying to find the greener grass, but never do.

That grass has to be mowed some day.

 

[shawntc]

Now this is the kind of thread I like seeing in the singles forum. Constructive and thought-provoking. Kudos to Liamson.

When you have a large set of choices, it's going to be hard to pick just one person. There are all sorts of advantages and disadvantages to each person, and you don't want to pick the wrong one. Going exclusive with one person is a big investment for a lot of people, emotionally or otherwise. We want the perfect mate, right? I don't believe there is such thing as that one perfect person for us. Of all the lady friends I have in my life, I'm sure a few would make good mates for me. One or two might be very good mates. But none of them would be perfect. Whether I picked the least compatible or the most compatible, that person will still have flaws and quirks which will drive me up a wall.

Right now the dating pool for me is rather small. I'm from a small town, and my university's church doesn't have too many college students in it. While for some that might be a cause for distress, I almost find it relieving. It simplifies the choosing process for me. I don't have a vehicle so my choices are mostly my home town and my university town. Sure there may be one or two ways for me to broaden my choices, but what does it matter? In any case I'll most likely end up with someone fairly compatible, but again, their interests and desires will probably differ from mine in many ways, and they'll have quirks and whatnot which I'll have to learn to accept.

 

[rachelsedge]

I've heard about this, though the things I read were about choices in general. The example they gave was a vending machine. If there are only 2 choices, you are likely to just pick one and be happy. If there are 20 choices, you will have a hard time deciding, and even after you decide and you eat that bag of chips, you may start thinking, "Shoot, I should have gone with the Snickers bar. Or maybe the Poptars, or maybe the Doritos, or...."

In regards to dating, it's interesting. I think there are good points raised about "too many choices", but at the same time, if you only had to choose between two or three, I wonder if some people would feel like they were "settling". I suppose, then, that you'd have to gather information on what each person believes is "settling" to them and if they really are settling when there are others around that may be "better for" them, or if they think there is that "perfect" person and anything less is settling. Or if "settling" is actually a thing.

Hmm.

 

[Shouryu]

I've heard about this, though the things I read were about choices in general. The example they gave was a vending machine. If there are only 2 choices, you are likely to just pick one and be happy. If there are 20 choices, you will have a hard time deciding, and even after you decide and you eat that bag of chips, you may start thinking, "Shoot, I should have gone with the Snickers bar. Or maybe the Poptars, or maybe the Doritos, or...."

In regards to dating, it's interesting. I think there are good points raised about "too many choices", but at the same time, if you only had to choose between two or three, I wonder if some people would feel like they were "settling". I suppose, then, that you'd have to gather information on what each person believes is "settling" to them and if they really are settling when there are others around that may be "better for" them, or if they think there is that "perfect" person and anything less is settling. Or if "settling" is actually a thing.

Hmm.

I don't know that I agree. I look into the vending machine, and of the 30 options, I've already eliminated 20 of them on first glance. I know what I don't like. And I do very little mulling, because when I hit a vending machine, I'm in the mood for something specific - I know I want chips, or I know I want candy, or I know I want a pastry.

When I look over dating profiles on OKC or CM, or when I was on Match, I could eliminate 70% within about 30 seconds. *shrug* When you know what you want, or at the very least, you know what you DON'T want, the multitude of choices is irrelevant, as you'll eliminate what you don't want anyhow.

 

[shawntc]

In regards to dating, it's interesting. I think there are good points raised about "too many choices", but at the same time, if you only had to choose between two or three, I wonder if some people would feel like they were "settling". I suppose, then, that you'd have to gather information on what each person believes is "settling" to them and if they really are settling when there are others around that may be "better for" them, or if they think there is that "perfect" person and anything less is settling. Or if "settling" is actually a thing.

Don't all exclusive relationships have an element of "settling," though? Even the "perfect" mate is going to have his/her set of quirks and unenjoyable parts. I have certain standards I want in a partner (devout Christian, good-looking, at least as intelligent as me, etc.) but there's no guarantee I will find myself with such a person. I may choose to "settle," as some would say, with a person who doesn't 100% meet those expectations, because those expectations seem kinda high at times.

 

[wisebeardman]

as for this choices thing, some may have many to chose from. others don't even have anything on the shelf to chose from.

 

[Liamson]

The fascinating thing is that relationships are a sort of mutual mystery.

If women are a vending machine commodity, then we are the Soda Machine next door.

So even if we find someone fascinating, odds are that they will not be as fascinated with us as we are with them.




But you know what I miss?

Being infatuated with someone. It makes everyone else invisible and the choice really easy. You know, spending hours just thinking about how amazing having lunch would be. Thinking about the way her hair does that thing, where it does that thing. Or that look she gets just before she says something. Priceless.

I miss having an unhealthy clingy girlfriend who monopolizes my time. Shows up uninvited. Downplays all of my negative attributes and worships all of my athletic achievements. You know, gets really defensive around my friends and family because she just wants me all to herself all the time.








Maybe the problem with all of this is that without the "Love juice" (chemicals that signal interest) Our Choices really are much like staring at the counter inside Baskin Robbins, when you're not even hungry.


But I have a feeling, that being stumped is much more healthy mentally than arbitrarily choosing to date someone or being ridiculously emotionally attached to someone before you set foot into a relationship. Am I right?

 

[Shouryu]

But I have a feeling, that being stumped is much more healthy mentally than arbitrarily choosing to date someone or being ridiculously emotionally attached to someone before you set foot into a relationship. Am I right?

Yes.​......

 

[secularhermit]

Essentially the Paradox of Choice is a Psychological Theory which proposes that if a person has 2 choices, they are fine. 6 choices you are also okay but, if a person has like 24 good choices. They often freeze up and choose nothing. The fear of missing out on the wrong choice or regretting the choice that they have made, leads them to being critical of minor details and problems with each selection.

It also leads to unrealistically high expectations and even depression. In a society where the expectation is that with so much choice, there should be no reason not to find someone perfect for you, the self imposed letdowns can be enormous.


We are taught that the more information we have and the more information we can provide about ourselves, the better off we are in the dating realm. But with so many people looking for "Perfection" its really impossible to meet someone else's definition of perfection. So much factors how a person's ideals are shaped, that even subtle things influence a person's choices without them even realizing it.

So with so many options, even if perfection is staring you in the face, you may not choose it, if in fact you make a choice at all. And even if you pick the best and right person for you, you could find yourself depressed thinking about all of the choices that you missed out on. Wondering if you made the wrong choice.

You might even leave a relationship for a worse one, simply because its different enough that you perceive it as better.




Too much of a good thing? Variety is confusing in mate choice

Dating and the challenge of too many choices – The Chart - CNN.com Blogs

If these are true statements, no wonder why cute and nice looking men/women don´t know what to do and seem to be so picky...

 

[lil_christian]

Yes.​......

Wait.


How'd you get past the whole "You must have 10 characters." thing??

 

[buckets]

many have the looking for the greener grass syndrome. they always trying to find the greener grass, but never do.

I am simply looking for grass all this snow makes it tricky lol

The Paradox of Choice is my enemy too young to date but I don't like eating out because I don't want to chose in case I get the wrong thing
If I ever go eat out with anyone just order for me I'm never disappointed

I think when of dating age the first person who asks will win my favor by this way of thinking
if I have to ask someone it may never happen
totally not into choosing if several semi suitable choices exist

 

[rachelsedge]

Wait.


How'd you get past the whole "You must have 10 characters." thing??

He made white periods after that, making up the rest of the characters. I only noticed when you quoted him, though, since it changes the background of it a bit!

 

[rachelsedge]

I don't know that I agree. I look into the vending machine, and of the 30 options, I've already eliminated 20 of them on first glance. I know what I don't like. And I do very little mulling, because when I hit a vending machine, I'm in the mood for something specific - I know I want chips, or I know I want candy, or I know I want a pastry.

When I look over dating profiles on OKC or CM, or when I was on Match, I could eliminate 70% within about 30 seconds. *shrug* When you know what you want, or at the very least, you know what you DON'T want, the multitude of choices is irrelevant, as you'll eliminate what you don't want anyhow.

This is true. I think if there were too few choices, I would think, "...this is it?", because to me, marriage is huge. It's so different than a bag of chips from the vending machine, where the next time around I can get something else. It's for the rest of my life. I want my relationship to be relatively effortless. I don't mean that in a no-work kind of way, I know that relationships take work from both parties. But I want hanging out together, conversations together, just our personalities, to mesh and click in a way that is just...natural. Yes, there will be things that drive us up the wall about each other, quirks and habits and flaws, but overall, I want it to flow.

I'm not sure if that's only a fantasy or not, but that's what I hope for.

 

[Shouryu]

He made white periods after that, making up the rest of the characters. I only noticed when you quoted him, though, since it changes the background of it a bit!

Awwww, no fun!! I wanted her to think I was a mysterious wizard with special forum powers!!!