Abuse and the Chruch

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Misty77

Misty77

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#1
Aug 30, 2013
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#1
"We had failed to clearly describe what headship is not, and what submission is not. We came to the realization that abuse – a pattern of coercive control employing any one or more of emotional, verbal, sexual, spiritual, physical, financial and social mistreatment of the other spouse – is indeed biblical grounds for divorce and that we would no longer insist that a husband or wife was required by the Lord to remain in a relationship in which the marriage vows had been habitually broken."

"Over time, and by no means at my own doing, we came to realize that we had created an environment in our church that was abuser-friendly. Evil-friendly. We, as leaders, had encouraged our men to lord it over their wives and families rather than loving them. We had created an environment that was unbiblically oppressive to women. Myself and our elders, over some period of time, began to realize this – by the Lord’s mercy in showing us – and we began to make some changes."

Open Letter to Pastors: Abuse

 
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RedTent

RedTent

Banned
#2
Oct 31, 2011
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I wish ALL our churches could know these things!

Evil has come into our churches, but we should study and recognize it. What a thought! We must know and express justice! It isn't only that God says men need to lead, but all scripture about marriage needs to be known! It isn't only abuse in marriage this post addresses, there are many things it uncovers and gives ideas for how to correct.
 
jonathanbchristian

jonathanbchristian

Banned
#3
Feb 16, 2011
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As long as you never tell your husband what to do, you at least wont be a hypocrite.
 
D

directline2iam

Banned
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Jul 25, 2013
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and we began to make some changes/QUOTE Misty77

And what was that, handing out divorce papers?

The Parable of the Unforgiving Servant
Matt 18:21Then Peter came and said to Him, "Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?"22Jesus said to him, "I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.…

Jesus' Teaching about Divorce
Matt 19:6"So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate." 7They said to Him, "Why then did Moses command to GIVE HER A CERTIFICATE OF DIVORCE AND SEND her AWAY?"8He said to them, "Because of your hardness of heart Moses permitted you to divorce your wives; but from the beginning it has not been this way.…

So as far as God is concerned, that divorce paper don't exist and the two are still married.
 
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RedTent

RedTent

Banned
#5
Oct 31, 2011
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directline2iam said:
and we began to make some changes/QUOTE Misty77
And what was that, handing out divorce papers?
The Parable of the Unforgiving Servant
Matt 18:21Then Peter came and said to Him, "Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?"22Jesus said to him, "I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.…
Jesus' Teaching about Divorce
Matt 19:6"So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate." 7They said to Him, "Why then did Moses command to GIVE HER A CERTIFICATE OF DIVORCE AND SEND her AWAY?"8He said to them, "Because of your hardness of heart Moses permitted you to divorce your wives; but from the beginning it has not been this way.…
So as far as God is concerned, that divorce paper don't exist and the two are still married.
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Why would you say that teaching about justice and Godly marriage is teaching to divorce? It sounds more like a personal cry of "I've been hurt" than reflecting Christ.
 
K

Kerry

Guest
#7
#7
The man should be the head of the house. However, this is not a rank as in military. The husband is to take in consideration the voice of his wife and children. But, the decision is the husbands. Now, wives are to submit to their husbands, but husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves the church. Thats a whole lot of love and does Christ consider your thoughts? He does whats best for you even though you don't think so. Husbands and wives that pray together stay together and a power struggle , more than not, ends in divorce. Wives, let your husband lead. If he messes up, he will realise and make corrections. As a husband, we must learn to lead and great leaders have always had great advisors. The worst thing a wife can do is constantly throw mistakes in the face of her husband. LET HIM LEAD and you will benefit from it.
 
S

starfield

Senior Member
#8
Jun 13, 2009
3,393
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#8
and we began to make some changes/QUOTE Misty77
Click to expand...
directline2iam said:
And what was that, handing out divorce papers?

The Parable of the Unforgiving Servant
Matt 18:21Then Peter came and said to Him, "Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?"22Jesus said to him, "I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.…

Jesus' Teaching about Divorce
Matt 19:6"So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate." 7They said to Him, "Why then did Moses command to GIVE HER A CERTIFICATE OF DIVORCE AND SEND her AWAY?"8He said to them, "Because of your hardness of heart Moses permitted you to divorce your wives; but from the beginning it has not been this way.…

So as far as God is concerned, that divorce paper don't exist and the two are still married.
Click to expand...
Unfortunately it exists because the churches in America have opened their doors wide for worldliness.
 
Misty77

Misty77

Senior Member
#9
Aug 30, 2013
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Kerry said:
The man should be the head of the house. However, this is not a rank as in military. The husband is to take in consideration the voice of his wife and children. But, the decision is the husbands. Now, wives are to submit to their husbands, but husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves the church. Thats a whole lot of love and does Christ consider your thoughts? He does whats best for you even though you don't think so. Husbands and wives that pray together stay together and a power struggle , more than not, ends in divorce. Wives, let your husband lead. If he messes up, he will realise and make corrections. As a husband, we must learn to lead and great leaders have always had great advisors. The worst thing a wife can do is constantly throw mistakes in the face of her husband. LET HIM LEAD and you will benefit from it.
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We aren't talking about the average husband-wife relationship; rather, the topic is abuse. "Let him lead" is dangerous—and frequently deadly—advice to give an abuse victim.
 
jonathanbchristian

jonathanbchristian

Banned
#10
Feb 16, 2011
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Divorce is not a solution to power struggles. Divorce repeats itself. 3rd time marriages have a 75% divorce rate. It only gets worse each marriage, especially if divorce is a threat all the time.
 
Misty77

Misty77

Senior Member
#11
Aug 30, 2013
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#11
starfield said:


Unfortunately it exists because the churches in America have opened their doors wide for worldliness.
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"Worldliness" in Western cultures practically castrates godly men, and patriarchy is exactly the opposite. It is the result of looking at some verses with a microscope while ignoring how they fit in with the rest of the Bible. It is indulging the arrogance of selfish men and ignoring the silent cries of the vulnerable women.
 
Misty77

Misty77

Senior Member
#12
Aug 30, 2013
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#12
jonathanbchristian said:
Divorce is not a solution to power struggles. Divorce repeats itself. 3rd time marriages have a 75% divorce rate. It only gets worse each marriage, especially if divorce is a threat all the time.
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Yes, but divorce limits the power that an abuser has over his/her victim.
 
Praus

Praus

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#13
Dec 21, 2012
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#13
Misty77 said:
"Worldliness" in Western cultures practically castrates godly men, and patriarchy is exactly the opposite.
Click to expand...
[video=youtube;-dJolYw8tnk]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-dJolYw8tnk[/video]
 
jonathanbchristian

jonathanbchristian

Banned
#14
Feb 16, 2011
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I do not believe a woman should stay in an abusive relationship. However I do not view male authority as abuse in itself.
 
K

Kerry

Guest
#15
#15
Okay. I was talking about a Christian union. However, if you are unequally yoked and your spouse is habitually abusive, Or if your spouse becomes habitually abusive. Then, there is biblical cause for divorce. It the same for a habitual adulterer. You are free from that bondage. But in or day and time in America, if you have children, this is a difficult situation, depending on the rule of court. If the court gives the spouse visitation rights or child support. Unfortunately, you will have to deal with that person until the youngest child turns 18 years old. People think a divorce is final, not so if children are involved.

In the later case you will have to depend on God more than ever. This is why we should make wise choices and inquire of God before we get married. Your choice will affect many many years of your life.

Now I do say habitual violators, we all make mistakes and stupid and wrong things and forgiveness should be in our hearts. The hardest thing a couple can overcome is adultery. But I have seen God work in those lives and they are still happily married. The second, is physical abuse, and I have seen God work and restore that relationship.

It depends on the situation. But I would not advise anyone to stay in a habitual abusive or adulterated relationship.
 
RedTent

RedTent

Banned
#16
Oct 31, 2011
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#16
It seems to me that when marriages are Godly, they exhibit acting out "and the two became one". They work as a team. God says in that team, the man is to be the leader. If you strike or are unjust to your partner, you are being unjust to yourself. One directs and leads, but a good leader listens and respects his helper. The helper does everything possible to support and help the leader. The welfare of each is the welfare of the other.
 
J

J-Kay-2

Guest
#18
#18
I like the definition of an abuser :


Very few people know what abuse really is, though everyone seems quite ready to give advice to its victims. If you believe that abuse is physical battering, you have some learning to do.

Abuse is fundamentally a mentality. It is a mindset of entitlement. The abuser sees himself* as entitled. He is the center of the world, and he demands that his victim make him the center of her world. His goal is power and control over others. For him, power and control are his natural right, and he feels quite justified in using whatever means are necessary to obtain that power and control. The abuser is not hampered in these efforts by the pangs of a healthy conscience and indeed often lacks a conscience.

While this mentality of power and control often expresses itself in various forms of physical abuse, it just as frequently employs tactics of verbal, emotional, financial, social, sexual and spiritual abuse. Thus, an abuser may never actually lay a hand on his wife and yet be very actively terrorizing her in incredibly damaging ways.

Abuse in any of its forms destroys the victim's person. Abuse, in the end, is murder.

* Sometimes the genders are reversed.
[ Abuse and the Church ]
 
2

2Thewaters

Guest
#19
#19
this is error thread
Jesus does not want us to divorce
 
J

J-Kay-2

Guest
#20
#20
Growing up I remember a little quote we would say ~
"Sticks and bones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."
How untrue this is. Words do hurt.
Speaking of Abuse in the Church. I was so naive to the fact just because
couples or families came to Church everything at home was just fine.
Until eventually it would be exposed that abuse did go on in the home.
Some I have heard of being Pastors themselves. Maybe bruises do not
show up outwardly, but inwardly oh, how many wives and children have
been living in a hellish atmosphere of fear.
The part about the man can become abused is true. I recall a wonderful
couple I attended Church with and the husband was really a nice man of
God. Later it came out that he was abused. I won't explain how she did
it, but it was a total shock to me. He did divorce her. Only God knows
how much more that young man went through and no one knew it. WE
really do need to pray if at anytime we think someone is being abused in
any manner. God bless you for bringing this to the forum.
 
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