Marriage troubles... looking for strength

[homwardbound]

A mighty Oak tree was once a small nut that stood its ground. Wisdom, standing in God's amazing forgiveness and Love, that is Mercy, that is not there to enable me to do harm, rather there for me to be able to stand my ground in God's righteousness and you are doing this.
So now, start this new relationship with total honesty as it is right now, in all things without emotion getting in the way.
The thief as in John 10:10 is:
[h=3]John 10:10[/h]Authorized (King James) Version (AKJV)


[SUP]10 [/SUP]The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.

Our emotions Brother that want control to get revenge, no matter though anger, not forgiving all, is what emotions rely on to control one's unloving behavior through the flesh. They steal, kill and destroy
But Christ came to kill those emotional responses of illness, which thank God you already see, and are standing, your best in no anger at and in by trusting God for God's words through you.
You are right the battle is far from over, so seek out from God what you can learn here, without fear, anger, unforgiveness
Trusting for God to give you the peace that God has given you through Son
Satan the enemy, flesh takes and picks away form people one piece at a time, your wife included and the man she has had dealings with as well.
catch it one piece at a time,
And God gives us PEACE all at once in the midst of

[h=3]John 16:33[/h]Authorized (King James) Version (AKJV)

[SUP]33 [/SUP]These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.
Just trust to what is needed to be done through you, with God's words as in Matt. 10:16-20, as you obviously have done. Yet the Devil, flesh will attack back with it's fleshly needs, and do its best to usurp God's authority.
So I personally remember this when it comes to forgiving others, That God has forgiven me 100% so how can I hold any grudges, and yet I must do as I must do accordingly as you just did with it is either over or we work on it to understand what happened that caused this to begin with and deal with it without blame one to the other or anyone else
No matter what past is past, and what is is!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so now time to move forward and expect the worst, so we refrain from getting mad.
It is when I least expect it that I get surprised and angered and I think this is the same for us all/
The first part of healing that I found out is there is none without first accepting it is what it is!!!!!! Whether I like it or not
Just some meat to eat, chew well, so that you are prepared, drink plenty of Spirit milk, to wash it down well
Thanks, Praying for it all to turn out for the Salvation of everyone involved

 

[emptymailbag]

howardbound...

Words of wisdom sir, thank you for those.

During the past few days, when my wife was explaining things that had been happening outside of our marriage... she kept insisting that I didn't want to know any of the details. I, on the other hand, kept explaining to her that I NEEDED the details, it was the only way for me to be able to address them and put them to rest. I can not address what I can not see, I can not heal from what is not known. I didn't want there to be any more secrets with it, which I am sure, she has not disclosed all of it, but what she has been forthcoming about, makes this so much easier to address. I know there will be other things that will come up, I don't look forward to them from an emotional standpoint, but I do look forward to them from a Spiritual standpoint.

I have spoken to a counseling center today, as per her request and suggestion. They are located local to our home town, which is a small concern for me. My concern is that she may know some of the counselors or staff, given that her work is local as well, and the clientele that she works with may spill over to this. The initial screening call to the counselor put that concern at ease. She explained that the 2 people she knew of to suggest for assistance with us were the least likely to know my wife... one lives in another county quite a number of miles away, and the other was the screening counselor herself.

The counseling center has given me a listing of counselors who work with them so that my wife can make certain as to who she may know and who she may feel more comfortable with. I realize that this may come across as me going overboard with my concerns, but I am just trying to look at this as if the tables were turned... how would I feel, and what would make it easier for me.

As I said before, I know that this road will be difficult. I am not arrogant enough to say that it will be a walk in the park. After what we have already been through, I am no longer naive enough to think that either. I am beyond thankful that she has agreed to the counseling, as well as trying to move it forward in a quick manner, telling me that she is able to see the importance of this for us and our family.

As a side note... I came to grips with my need to forgive this other man. Anything that I do towards him after my wife has told me that she is finished with him, takes away from God's involvement. It places it back in my hands, and yes, I would feel better for a moment, but it robs God of His glory. My disrespect for this man is more than likely never going to go away, I will have to live with that... but I WILL NOT allow him to rob my wife and I of what WE need in order to grow.


To this other man, a gentleman whose place of employment and name I now know:
I forgive you for the pain you have caused, for the tears I have cried, for the anger I have felt... I forgive you. I pray that you find forgiveness from the Lord by repenting of your actions, and I pray that whatever was or is going on in your own marriage, that you are able to renew your bonds and find strength in your home. I am sorry for the thoughts I have had towards you, and I ask for you to someday find it in your heart to forgive me as well.


Have a blessed day,
-emptymailbag

 

[cipher]

Hi emptymailbag,

Ephesians 6:12

[SUP]2 [/SUP]For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

I hope the above verse makes forgiving easier for you.

IMHO I do not think you should try to learn every detail of what happened. The focus should be on what lies ahead. Remember Lot's wife and what happened to her when she looked back. Knowing too much is not always good, if we had the eyes of a microscope, we would see all the teeming micororganisms on our hands and body, so much so that we cannot exist. Somethings are best not known or seen.

 

[Lucy68]

I'm so sorry you're going through this!! I think you are handling it very correctly. You plainly love your wife and want her back...but she needs to heal the marriage on God's terms, not her own (the 'world' is very enticing and exciting but doesn't fulfill what it promises). You are going to the Lord for help and He is faithfully answering your call. Your wife is under great conflict in her soul and she is very blessed to have a godly husband willing and able to lead her back to the correct path. But the decision is ultimately her own to make.

The hurt and anger you have is very understandable and I admire you're taking that to God and asking for the ability to forgive the other man. He too has sinned greatly against you, against your wife, against God, and against his own wife and children. He may have the greater sin and so needs your forgiveness very much. When having trouble forgiving, my first prayer to God is "Lord, make my will willing". Overcoming our own stubbornness can be very hard.

Although it is important for us to forgive, this doesn't mean tolerating sin. As the head of your household, it is your responsibility to lead your wife and children into following God's will...as much as possible. Of course, this involves them cooperating with God's mandates...sometimes they don't want to. Joshua made it a household rule to follow God's rule. I think this is a good example for all father-husband-leaders. This takes much courage and a willingness to be unpopular with your wife and children on occasions. But God will honor your commitment to Him in due time. Remain firm, loving, forgiving to a certain extent but without relenting on God's rules for living a Christ-filled life, which is His desire for us as individuals and as families.

Praying for your continued courage, wisdom, and leading from the Holy Spirit. Use this as an opportunity to grow even stronger in your relationship with Christ...He will meet your every need .

 

[eddie1801]

Glad to hear the good news that you guys are going to counseling.

 

[emptymailbag]

Your prayers are so VERY much appreciated!!!

Small update:
She and I have agreed that the counseling is the best route to take, although in our discussions about that, she came clean about the reason for her being uncertain of us staying together.

She let me know that for the last 4 or so years, she has felt like a single mom. That I have been less than minimal as a father for our children. She says that she is "in that mode" and does not know if she can go back to feeling as she did. I myself came clean about a medical issue that I had been keeping to myself, one where I have had some internal bleeding for the past 7 or so years. It has made me feel as though someone has taken a spoon, stuck it down my throat, and stirred me up on the insides... since it began. My efforts at my daily job have taken all from me, energy wise, that once I came home, I had felt the need to almost become invisible. My body was not able to keep up with the things I wanted to do. Play times with the children became somewhat of a chore, outings with family gatherings were uncomfortable... it has been both highly frustrating and embarrassing. We didn't have the money to address it, so I never told her, hoping that it would with prayer be healed and things would be better. The only thing I think I may be able to explain it feeling as, may be a ladies monthly cycle. I hope that isn't too graphic. Headaches 7 days a week, cramping as well, going through Ibuprofen like it was candy, and a list of other things that REALLY isn't child friendly. I get hit for a living, owning a karate school, so I just wrote it off as a thing to be expected that went with the job description. I am almost certain that she does not believe the medical issue, instead, she most likely has placed it in the "last ditch" category of things. I never thought that my issues were placing her in a position of feeling that way, I just never realized. It is obvious to me that I had taken her for granted, and I can now see that I should have told her from the start. I can not undo that, I can only ask her to forgive me for it... I just don't know if she can.

Another of the issues that she brought up was that she has been the bread winner for our family since I opened this business. She had always been upset that her entire check was going to the household, whereas the business was always barely able to scrape by. I should have addressed the business finances a long time ago, I just always thought I was doing the Christian thing by keeping my prices low and providing the best service of ANY of our competitors. I decided to call my mother today to get on my knees and ask for help, hoping that she may be able to do anything, at the very least maybe she could offer some advice. My own mother and father went through a divorce at roughly the same mark in time, nearing 25 years. I explained the bare minimum to her of what has been going on with my wife and I, and she immediately agreed to cover the cost of the medical issues, as well as counseling costs. She said that her divorce from my father centered around the financial rolls being reversed, and she completely understood that it could be a large part of the problem. This is such a HUGE burden lifted from my shoulders... absolutely HUGE!!!!

I do not know how my wife will accept that the finances are taken care of... I truly hope that she understands. I told her today before she left to run some errands, that I will do absolutely anything to fight for this marriage. I reassured her that the infidelity is completely off of the table, I have forgiven her, and I would in no way seek to go after him. I want a clean slate for a counselor to work with... and with these horrible medical troubles being addressed, I pray she will give the two of us the chance to grow closer. She keeps saying that she doesn't think she can ever go back... I don't want her too... I want her to see me for the man she once loved more than anything or anyone, knowing that I have given my all to work this out.

Please keep us in your prayers... God isn't done with this yet. There is glory in this for Him, somewhere there is glory, and I praise Him for bringing us this far. There is still hope. She smiled at me when we spoke this morning before she left... I have truly missed her smile.

Have a blessed day,
-emptymailbag

 

[Lucy68]

Great! You're talking...that's a big first step . Glad to hear you'll be going to the doctor...praying it isn't anything serious.

Also, praying that you both continue working on the issues together. Relationships can be repaired, thank God .

 

[emptymailbag]

Great! You're talking...that's a big first step . Glad to hear you'll be going to the doctor...praying it isn't anything serious.

Also, praying that you both continue working on the issues together. Relationships can be repaired, thank God .

Last night after I had received that fantastic news of the counseling sessions and the medical bills being taken care of and I absolutely needed to share it with her. I was ecstatic... almost child like excited. I asked her in to a back bedroom away from the boys so that I could surprise her and let her be free to express her joy as well. I will completely admit to "wanting" her to jump for joy and say, "That is exactly what I wanted for you to do!" And of course, that wasn't the response. It was more to the tune of, "Please don't tell me that you did this and thought that it would immediately change my mind. I hope that you are going to follow through with this, no matter WHAT I decide." It nearly dropped me to my knees in front of her. I was crushed. In my excitement I had simply made the most logical connection from a list of things that she said she wanted, to mean that when I checked them off my list the reward would be that she wouldn't be in that "I just don't know" place anymore. It was just not what I wanted to hear.

Satan played with my head while I tried to sleep, and I felt that all of this was for nothing. I had done what she wanted, or was in the process of doing those things, we even had the financial side of things under control... what was HER hangup?!? In the morning I reached out to an extended family member. Oddly enough, it's my wife's older brother and his wife.

Anyway, he and his wife have been through some similar things a good number of years ago, I was hoping that they could offer some guidance and wisdom. I am so beside myself happy that I did. They were able to put some of my fears at rest, and told me to keep my fight in this for our marriage. I didn't fill them in on the details, opting mainly to make it about my shortcomings in our marriage, even though they both seemed to understand that there was something going on with my wife that was a little deeper than I was letting on.

My brother-in-law had been through a heavy drug addiction, and both he and wife wife had cheated on each other during all of that garbage as well. They were able to go and place their faith in the Lord, get some counseling, and ultimately work through that tremendously rough periods. He and his wife told me that there were points in all of it where they thought that they hated each other, still, they both agreed to counseling and commitment to stay the course. Both of them assured me that if my wife had agreed to the counseling that meant that there was at least the shred of love still there for me, therefore I should not throw in the towel and resign to defeat. They insisted that it takes time for both of us, even though I have forgiven my wife, I still need the assistance of a professional with the Lord's guidance in order to process this and complete it as it needs to be done.

Satan got a kick in the teeth after that call. I came home after driving around and talking with them, only to then have my wife wake up and come downstairs and actually sit next to me on the couch. We talked as though we had done so many years ago. It felt right... it felt good. Then, she asked that I give her some help with her itunes music for her phone, which she sat in my lap for almost an hour while the files where transferred from the computer to her phone. She had a huge amount of songs... an hour... wow. Still, we sat there, and had small talks during that time, with me feeling pretty awkward, not exactly knowing what I was supposed to do. I kept my best behavior on, not giving her the impression that I was taking this moment of being close, as anything other than a moment of repairing wounds. It was great.

We spent several hours playing with our boys outside, again, initially I felt somewhat awkward. I haven't done that in at least 2 or 3 years, due to the medical issues. I decided that I should just push through the physical issues to show her that I was serious about my commitment to change. I said I would do more, that I would be better, and I almost feel as though she was giving me the chance to, rather than testing me to see if I would fail. Again, it felt good.

As I have said before, I know that there are many more hills to climb, and plenty of valleys to navigate... our marriage isn't completely healed after 3 or 4 days of discussions. The counseling sessions should be starting next Friday, with our schedules being odd ones, I am accommodating her's as much as we can.

Have a blessed day,
-emptymailbag

 

[Jadeline]

Shalom! May the peace of God be with you. Some 3 yrs back I requested for a prayer from this forum regarding my relationship with my husband..Dec 8 2010 when he called me on my phone(since im in Dubai working and he's left in Manila) and told me that what we had was over and done..He no longer wanted to stay in our so tiring relationship and my pride took over me and answered, "Ok, fine!" So that was it..I was so helpless and devastated..I did not know what to do...I tried to make myself look as if nothing happened..But my heart became so hard and bitterness and sadness manifested..I got tired of pulling up myself together..I remember that I have a God who is more than my problem..I surrendered everything to Him..I prayed to God to forgive me for giving up on my relationship which He entrusted to me..For letting my pride took over..And to forgive my husband for having an affair with another woman..At first I thought everything was my husband's fault, but God made me realize that I needed to make some changes in me..He taught me to remain patient in my afflictions, strong in my faith that He will handle everything and that He is in total control..Indeed God heard my prayer..Just recently my husband gave me a call and asked for forgiveness..And to my surprise, I did not find myself nagging and angry at him...I felt that I had so much love to give that I was ready to forgive him..Others might think that I was crazy but I know our Lord God can heal all hurts and wounds..That Right here and now God is ready to touch our lives to start all over..Thank you Lord...I hope that thru this nay we be a blesaing to those couples whom you have joined together..Pray and wait on the Lord

 

[emptymailbag]

Major update!!!

Tonight, after I came home from work, my wife and I had a few minutes to talk after dinner. We discussed a few of the things that we had brought up over the past week or so, things that needed to change within our home life, things with the children and several other topics as well. I also filled her in on the visit I had with the doctor today. The medical condition that I have had for like the last 7 years or so, turned out to be something MUCH less severe than I feared. A small daily amount of some very inexpensive medications for a few weeks, and it looks as if that may be all that was needed. No guarantee, but I will happily take THAT kind of news ANY day of the week!

At the end of the discussion, my heart was racing, I wanted to ask something that I just couldn't contain anymore. So like a frightened little 8 year old boy working up the courage to ask a little 8 year old girl if she would be my girlfriend, I took the leap and asked... "So, are we trying to work things out?" With a smile she said, "Yes"

SHE SAID YES!!!!!! Not "I don't know", not "I just need time", not even "maybe" SHE SAID YES!!!!

It was all I could do to not fall to my knees... we are going to work through this, with the Lord's help and guidance, we are going to make this work. We have a counseling session scheduled for this Friday, which she told me she isn't truly happy about, but since she said that she would do it, she was going to follow through. I am just hardly able to contain my happiness!!!!

Thank you ALL for the wonderful words of advice and for keeping us in your prayers, I just wish I had the words to express my joy.

Have a blessed day,
-emtymailbag




PS... did I mention that she said YES!!!!




PPS... Oh, and did I mention that she smiled when she said it!!!!

 

[brokenclay]

Praying for you brother. Your burden has weighed heavily on my heart. And your heart must have taken a lot of punishment these past weeks. I have been married 30 years now. I went through something similar 20 years ago. For my wife's sake I wont go into detail. I cried lots and I prayed lots. And after we got back together; there was another 10 years of suffering. I was broken for a long long time. Then one day it just seemed like her struggles stopped; and different ones arose from having an autistic son. But; we love each other now. And when it was my turn to be weak; she came to my rescue. I have to live with my 26 yr old son down in the Sault, ON. and my wife has to work 900 miles away to support me so i can be with my son to get help. So, I am pouring my heart out for you and your wife. May you find favour with God and may he show compassion and mercy toward you. Amen!

 

[homwardbound]

Major update!!!

Tonight, after I came home from work, my wife and I had a few minutes to talk after dinner. We discussed a few of the things that we had brought up over the past week or so, things that needed to change within our home life, things with the children and several other topics as well. I also filled her in on the visit I had with the doctor today. The medical condition that I have had for like the last 7 years or so, turned out to be something MUCH less severe than I feared. A small daily amount of some very inexpensive medications for a few weeks, and it looks as if that may be all that was needed. No guarantee, but I will happily take THAT kind of news ANY day of the week!

At the end of the discussion, my heart was racing, I wanted to ask something that I just couldn't contain anymore. So like a frightened little 8 year old boy working up the courage to ask a little 8 year old girl if she would be my girlfriend, I took the leap and asked... "So, are we trying to work things out?" With a smile she said, "Yes"

SHE SAID YES!!!!!! Not "I don't know", not "I just need time", not even "maybe" SHE SAID YES!!!!

It was all I could do to not fall to my knees... we are going to work through this, with the Lord's help and guidance, we are going to make this work. We have a counseling session scheduled for this Friday, which she told me she isn't truly happy about, but since she said that she would do it, she was going to follow through. I am just hardly able to contain my happiness!!!!

Thank you ALL for the wonderful words of advice and for keeping us in your prayers, I just wish I had the words to express my joy.

Have a blessed day,
-emtymailbag




PS... did I mention that she said YES!!!!




PPS... Oh, and did I mention that she smiled when she said it!!!!

Willing is the first step to healing. And to ever get past to actually heal, as I found out is first if not least to accept what is, whether I, you or anyone likes it or not.
do you see that, in all your travails here in this world in this life here, we as people usually sweep bad times under the carpet to not see again until that situation pops up again and anger comes forth as the first reaction, and trouble(s) just follow along with that follow along with emotional outbursts, or hidden ones that build up to explosion like a balloon does when it has had too much air.
So as I see you have accepted this as is, see that you have, why? Because there is nothing anyone can do to change the past ever. It Is What It Is!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! no matter whether we like it or not.
Now you can change the future by asking God and see from God how this whole situation took place as you already do.
been married 30 years and we even got divorced and still have worked it out, because of trust not in each other, more importantly God.
Can you and I count this whole scenario as all Joy? If we can then we can learn without hard hearts of the stone Heart, remembering God gave us back the Heart of flesh that was in Adam and Eve before they ate from that tree, and were dead in the Spirit and alive in the flesh, not being whole.
That is what being born again is about, dead to flesh mindset and alive to God in the Spirit of God , trusting God that all things will somehow work out for the good of God and since you are of God it will work out for you as you see it is.
Thanking God for you and her and all the good that is coming out of this mess

 

[emptymailbag]

Another update... long overdue.

Alright, our joint "initial" counseling was uncomfortable... not that I expected it to be smooth. Our counselor was very professional, laying things on the table for us as to what we might experience with counseling, as well as being blunt with the expectations that we may have. She did ask my wife about the affair, and if there was any further contact between them, to which my wife said that there wasn't any communications, and that she only reluctantly cut him off because I insisted.

The following week, our counselor set up a private session for my wife, and then one for me... hers being the first one on a Monday, mine being on a Thursday. My wife came home after that session and was absolutely irritated. She was adamant that she didn't "need" counseling, that it was a waste of time and money, and that she was done. End of discussion. She said that she was willing to work on improving our relationship together, but she was not going back, and that I was free to continue if I chose... just without her. With the roller-coaster ride of emotions that I had been on, I folded. I told her that if she felt that way, then I would agree, saying that whatever it took to make her happy. With me not wanting to rock the boat any further, I felt it would allow her time to make efforts on her own, giving us the much needed stress relief, and giving her the comfort of knowing that I wasn't pushing.

MISTAKE!!

I found out a few days later on Christmas morning at 6:30am, that the conversations with him (the other man) were continuing. He sent her a text about hoping that she had slept well, and that he was looking forward to discussing what she got for Christmas. I confronted her on it, and of course, at first she denied that it was anything to worry about, that they had only had sporadic conversations... but then she got VERY upset. She was beside herself mad that I had seen it and was accusing her of continuing with him. The proof was there, yet she was bent on making it to be less than it actually was.

More roller-coaster emotions, pacing the floors, not able to hold down any food... anger, anxiety, and general feelings of betrayal. I still meant what I said, I forgave her for what she had done... it was just getting harder to forget when things like this were still coming up. Sadly, I was nearing my end. The constant, never ending onslaught of what "might" still be going on was taking its toll on me. I tried putting on the happy face, but found myself drifting during times of no one being around... my mind wouldn't let me alone, and Satan was enjoying each and every minute of it.

Christmas was becoming another nightmare like Thanksgiving.

During the day I convinced her that I absolutely HAD to know that he was out of the picture. She gave in, finally. She wrote him an email that was direct and to the point... "For the sake of my family, I have to end our relationship. No further contact. Thank you for the fun time over the years." She was very upset, more so than I had seen her in a long while... but she showed it to me, and said that she would do it for "us". I tried to hold back my joy while reading it, but noticed that the email address to him was ONE letter off... something that I figured she would just go and correct once she got the "undeliverable mail" notice that she was bound to get. So... I waited.

That night, I went in to ask her if she had any response from him. She blew up, yelling that I had seen the email, watched her send it, and knew that it said she didn't want further contact. I explained the ONE letter off in the email address that I had noticed earlier, and asked if she had received any "undeliverable" notices. She went through the roof. So begged her to check, asked her to just do the favor of looking. She wasted time, pretending to look, going through various folders that were not applicable... turns out she had deleted the original email once she noticed it was kicked back, as well as any reference to the kickback itself.

Another lie!!!

I told her that I was not able to continue with this... we were getting no where fast. She immediately typed a new email, let me verify the address, then sent it again. Then told me to leave her alone about it any further. The next day, she showed me his response... "I was thinking the same thing, we need to end this." She had mentioned me by name in the second email, rather than just saying "for the sake of my family"... which may be what triggered his response. She wouldn't let me hold the phone to read it fully, which screamed to me that there may have been further responses back and forth after the section that the showed me.

I had my closure... but it felt hollow.

A few days later, our anniversary was on New Years Eve... she had already made plans to go out with one of her girlfriends to a big night club and go dancing for that night, and with all that had been going on, I wasn't going to deny her that. We spent the afternoon before she went out, going to the movies and then having a great lunch. Things were looking and feeling better... but as I said... my "victory" felt hollow.

I went and found this gentleman. I followed him, and then I confronted him. I told him of the damage that he had caused my family, and of the troubles that he was continuing to cause my marriage. He smirked and said that he was merely a symptom, not the disease. That while things were going on with he and my wife, that he was my biggest cheerleader, my biggest fan... how HE kept telling her to stay with me and work things out, keeping her from making any rash decisions. In essence, he had bought me time to repair my marriage and I should be thankful. I stood there with what must have been the most stupid look on my face while he continued to explain how he was doing me and my wife a favor by pushing her to work things out, because she obviously loved our boys and just needed a release from the stress of marriage, finances and work. I asked if he had said that to her before, during or after he was in bed with her over the past year or so... WHILE he has been married to HIS wife and was the father of HIS two children. His color left him. I asked him if he understood why I was doing this, why I was confronting him as I was. He said that he fully understood, but I don't really think he did. So, I explained... the moment I found out from my wife, when she confirmed what had happened, I forgave her. I asked him if HE would do the same if he found his wife had been sleeping with another man for a year. He didn't answer. I told him that I needed this, I needed to stand face to face and tell him that I was able to move on... that this entire thing was never going to have a hold on me again... that as a Christian, it is MY responsibility to forgive those who sin against me. I reached out my hand and offered it to him to shake, and as we did, I told him that I forgive him. He genuinely apologized... said how truly sorry he was for doing what he did... that he took advantage of a friendship with my wife, and that he was ashamed of his actions.

What more could I ask for? I did my part, and he did his... closure.

Well... not entirely.

This next thing I did was the most non-Christian thing I think I have ever done. I asked him if he knew what I do for a living, what I have been doing for the past 25 years. He said that he didn't. I leaned over to him and said that he really should have done his homework. As a Christian, I have forgiven you, but if you EVER contact my wife, in ANY way again... via email, post card, phone, text or a note passed to her when you come to her office to do your job... if you show up at ANY dance club, restaurant, sporting event or social... my 25 years of Martial Arts training will kick in, and I will break your legs.

I have to admit that I smiled as his knees went weak and he staggered to lean on the car next to him. I know that I shouldn't have... but it felt GOOD!!!!!!!!

I debated on keeping my discussion with him secret from my wife, but last night, I decided to tell her. At first she was upset, but that quickly gave way to smiles as I told her of what happened... how I proved to myself, to him, and to her... I'm the better man. She told me that she "wants" for us to get back in to counseling... that we both need it, and she was sorry for asking us to stop. So as of today, I am happy to say... we both have appointments this week.

We have long roads to travel... but it looks like we will travel them... together.

-emptymailbag

 

[homwardbound]

Another update... long overdue.

Alright, our joint "initial" counseling was uncomfortable... not that I expected it to be smooth. Our counselor was very professional, laying things on the table for us as to what we might experience with counseling, as well as being blunt with the expectations that we may have. She did ask my wife about the affair, and if there was any further contact between them, to which my wife said that there wasn't any communications, and that she only reluctantly cut him off because I insisted.

The following week, our counselor set up a private session for my wife, and then one for me... hers being the first one on a Monday, mine being on a Thursday. My wife came home after that session and was absolutely irritated. She was adamant that she didn't "need" counseling, that it was a waste of time and money, and that she was done. End of discussion. She said that she was willing to work on improving our relationship together, but she was not going back, and that I was free to continue if I chose... just without her. With the roller-coaster ride of emotions that I had been on, I folded. I told her that if she felt that way, then I would agree, saying that whatever it took to make her happy. With me not wanting to rock the boat any further, I felt it would allow her time to make efforts on her own, giving us the much needed stress relief, and giving her the comfort of knowing that I wasn't pushing.

MISTAKE!!

I found out a few days later on Christmas morning at 6:30am, that the conversations with him (the other man) were continuing. He sent her a text about hoping that she had slept well, and that he was looking forward to discussing what she got for Christmas. I confronted her on it, and of course, at first she denied that it was anything to worry about, that they had only had sporadic conversations... but then she got VERY upset. She was beside herself mad that I had seen it and was accusing her of continuing with him. The proof was there, yet she was bent on making it to be less than it actually was.

More roller-coaster emotions, pacing the floors, not able to hold down any food... anger, anxiety, and general feelings of betrayal. I still meant what I said, I forgave her for what she had done... it was just getting harder to forget when things like this were still coming up. Sadly, I was nearing my end. The constant, never ending onslaught of what "might" still be going on was taking its toll on me. I tried putting on the happy face, but found myself drifting during times of no one being around... my mind wouldn't let me alone, and Satan was enjoying each and every minute of it.

Christmas was becoming another nightmare like Thanksgiving.

During the day I convinced her that I absolutely HAD to know that he was out of the picture. She gave in, finally. She wrote him an email that was direct and to the point... "For the sake of my family, I have to end our relationship. No further contact. Thank you for the fun time over the years." She was very upset, more so than I had seen her in a long while... but she showed it to me, and said that she would do it for "us". I tried to hold back my joy while reading it, but noticed that the email address to him was ONE letter off... something that I figured she would just go and correct once she got the "undeliverable mail" notice that she was bound to get. So... I waited.

That night, I went in to ask her if she had any response from him. She blew up, yelling that I had seen the email, watched her send it, and knew that it said she didn't want further contact. I explained the ONE letter off in the email address that I had noticed earlier, and asked if she had received any "undeliverable" notices. She went through the roof. So begged her to check, asked her to just do the favor of looking. She wasted time, pretending to look, going through various folders that were not applicable... turns out she had deleted the original email once she noticed it was kicked back, as well as any reference to the kickback itself.

Another lie!!!

I told her that I was not able to continue with this... we were getting no where fast. She immediately typed a new email, let me verify the address, then sent it again. Then told me to leave her alone about it any further. The next day, she showed me his response... "I was thinking the same thing, we need to end this." She had mentioned me by name in the second email, rather than just saying "for the sake of my family"... which may be what triggered his response. She wouldn't let me hold the phone to read it fully, which screamed to me that there may have been further responses back and forth after the section that the showed me.

I had my closure... but it felt hollow.

A few days later, our anniversary was on New Years Eve... she had already made plans to go out with one of her girlfriends to a big night club and go dancing for that night, and with all that had been going on, I wasn't going to deny her that. We spent the afternoon before she went out, going to the movies and then having a great lunch. Things were looking and feeling better... but as I said... my "victory" felt hollow.

I went and found this gentleman. I followed him, and then I confronted him. I told him of the damage that he had caused my family, and of the troubles that he was continuing to cause my marriage. He smirked and said that he was merely a symptom, not the disease. That while things were going on with he and my wife, that he was my biggest cheerleader, my biggest fan... how HE kept telling her to stay with me and work things out, keeping her from making any rash decisions. In essence, he had bought me time to repair my marriage and I should be thankful. I stood there with what must have been the most stupid look on my face while he continued to explain how he was doing me and my wife a favor by pushing her to work things out, because she obviously loved our boys and just needed a release from the stress of marriage, finances and work. I asked if he had said that to her before, during or after he was in bed with her over the past year or so... WHILE he has been married to HIS wife and was the father of HIS two children. His color left him. I asked him if he understood why I was doing this, why I was confronting him as I was. He said that he fully understood, but I don't really think he did. So, I explained... the moment I found out from my wife, when she confirmed what had happened, I forgave her. I asked him if HE would do the same if he found his wife had been sleeping with another man for a year. He didn't answer. I told him that I needed this, I needed to stand face to face and tell him that I was able to move on... that this entire thing was never going to have a hold on me again... that as a Christian, it is MY responsibility to forgive those who sin against me. I reached out my hand and offered it to him to shake, and as we did, I told him that I forgive him. He genuinely apologized... said how truly sorry he was for doing what he did... that he took advantage of a friendship with my wife, and that he was ashamed of his actions.

What more could I ask for? I did my part, and he did his... closure.

Well... not entirely.

This next thing I did was the most non-Christian thing I think I have ever done. I asked him if he knew what I do for a living, what I have been doing for the past 25 years. He said that he didn't. I leaned over to him and said that he really should have done his homework. As a Christian, I have forgiven you, but if you EVER contact my wife, in ANY way again... via email, post card, phone, text or a note passed to her when you come to her office to do your job... if you show up at ANY dance club, restaurant, sporting event or social... my 25 years of Martial Arts training will kick in, and I will break your legs.

I have to admit that I smiled as his knees went weak and he staggered to lean on the car next to him. I know that I shouldn't have... but it felt GOOD!!!!!!!!

I debated on keeping my discussion with him secret from my wife, but last night, I decided to tell her. At first she was upset, but that quickly gave way to smiles as I told her of what happened... how I proved to myself, to him, and to her... I'm the better man. She told me that she "wants" for us to get back in to counseling... that we both need it, and she was sorry for asking us to stop. So as of today, I am happy to say... we both have appointments this week.

We have long roads to travel... but it looks like we will travel them... together.

-emptymailbag

Brother, Prayers are with you from g personally to show you the difference of truth over error, and you will learn from this entire mess and be content no matter the outcome. Thanking God for God's Mercy through Son, Christ
And thank you for being honest
And I noticed how she responded after you reacted fleshly, made her to her the top of her game. Her thinking now you will kill for her. And it is true, yet be careful as to the purpose of the enemy using flesh to steal, kill and destroy
Love you, hang in there and hear with your spiritual ears given to you

 

[kim12345]

She wants her cake and eat it too!!!! that's our society today

My prayers are for everyone involved, it is not a well situation for any and all. All I can say is, pray, pray, pray, and trust God no matter what the outcome. stand still in your heart and listen, seek out God's words through you, ask God for God's will in this entire endeavor, and then do as led, being dead to the thief that comes to steal, kill and destroy you through emotions of this situation at hand
The Devil apparently does not like you and is attacking through your spouse at you and using her thought patterns of seeds that are implanted in her from the enemy.
Find out is she willing to be counseled, does she want to save you all's Marriage, or is she wanting the cake eat it too!!!!!!!!!!!
Reality is able to face emotions and keep them at the caboose. Where as not wanting what is creates disaster.
It is reality that Divorce is in order and avoid all possibility of harming her, him, or anyone else, especially the kids.
I see there is a lot of learning for you to be able to live above these circumstances, no matter how it ends.
We as people can not control anyone else's free choices. That is what God chose, why? Because God does just love us that much for us to not be puppets even though we all make wrong choices. So /Brother love her and him and all just as God does love you, and face reality and tell them to do the same and get off of the cake, make a decision to what they are gojng to do, and then you can decide what you are going to do without depression getting in your way
Emotions in the lead create depression and anger that we all regret afterwards. And don't be led around by the nose either through the emotion of if: Then That will be:
Matt 10:16-20 I think can and will be enlightening to you as this is for you being a believer standing in Faith regardless of the situation. And maybe read the book of Job, stand firm Brother, this world hates believers and will do whatever it can to get us to stand down. Been where you are at a little differently though
Holding you up in prayer and then as well for this to somehow turn out for God's glory, someway

 

[secularhermit]

Before I was divorced, a pastor, and ex-friend, told me to forgive my ex-wife.

He gave his reasons, his lectures; he said whatever thing he thought could serve me to understand and forgive her.

My mind was clear I was right and it was I who firsly cheated (not knowing or ignoring her sins).

It took me time to know that man (and pastor) giving me tips and advices, was cheating his own wife, with the" sheep" he was supposed to be taking care of the church he was "leading"...

Where´s the real moral?

David king had more women a simple man can afford just one night and he did the wrong thing with another man´s woman, the wife of one of his LOYAL soldiers (Uriah)


Ask her if she thinks you have what she wanted to find outside your love, you bed, your place...

Be sure you have everything she needs and might need.


Look at Dave´s life and what he did (2Sam 11:4, 2Sam_20:3) on each of this cases.

It hurt me, but I divorced. I admit my faults and, today, I´m sure the pain deserved the secret joy I won´t share.

 

[homwardbound]

She wants her cake and eat it too!!!! that's our society today

Is this bottom line, the battle of flesh and the Spirit of God?
How many want their cake and eat it too, and are willing to manipulate for the short run in loss of the long run of what all truly want. Which is life right?

 

[savedandIknowit]

Oh brother you are a strong and godly man to forgive and love your wife after what she has done, your heart is deeply loving of God. I reckon your favourite book of the bible has been Hosea. there isnt alot of great and godly men that can love like that, I know what my husband would do, it would be the contrary to what you would do, I constantly have to keep my heart right and in line with God so I dont stray, my marraige isnt the best because of its hardships, but I will stay faithful. for the sake of my testimony of Jesus Christ and for the sake of my family, thank you for sharing what you have been going through, God will bless you, Praise the Lord

 

[LClark]

My situation was like that of Chosenone except that she emptied the living room which was the first thing our kids saw when they came home from school [this was over a quarter century ago]. We were in a church where there were divorces all around us. Too often we face these things in an individualistic manner rather than as the body of Christ.
All this precipitated this book...I'd be glad to send you the pdf. Love, Prayer, and Forgiveness–Now, also, in ebook format

 

[emptymailbag]

My situation was like that of Chosenone except that she emptied the living room which was the first thing our kids saw when they came home from school [this was over a quarter century ago]. We were in a church where there were divorces all around us. Too often we face these things in an individualistic manner rather than as the body of Christ.
All this precipitated this book...I'd be glad to send you the pdf. Love, Prayer, and Forgiveness–Now, also, in ebook format

Thank you all for the words of encouragement... I wish I had the words to express how much it lifts my heart.

LClark... Thank you, that is VERY generous of you.

Have a blessed day,
-emptymailbag