Sex and the Single Christian: A different type of conversation

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U

Ugly

Guest
#1
#1
What this thread is not about: Lust
What this thread does not need: A barrage of scriptures about lust
Pointing out what people should have/should not have done. Don't beat people for their pasts, but deal with their struggles in the present. Show some compassion and put away your pharisee hat for once.

Hopefully this thread doesn't get closed or trolled as i think its a valid discussion.


As Christian singles it seems every time anything about sex is brought up, its lustful thoughts. Which is a major problem, i get it. But not all desires are bound in lust. Being married doesn't mean you can't lust, and being single doesn't mean desire is always lust.
I admit, i have not always had pure relationships. I have been in relationships where sex was involved. Serious relationships. So my question is, for those who have been married, or relationships similar to mine, how much does that desire for a spiritually and emotionally healthy sex life play into your wanting to get married? At 38 and never married i've never experienced it fully. I enjoyed the closeness and bond in previous relationships, but there was still that gnaw in the back of my mind that it wasn't right.
And now, i struggle with that desire and it can sometimes play a big part in my wanting to be married. As i'm nearing an age where its not uncommon for men to begin slowing down in those areas, it just makes it that much more urgent, at times, to want to enjoy it all.
And for those of you who know what i'm getting at, how do you cope with those feelings when they show? Sometimes this is major source of my loneliness.
 
C

Crazylove

Guest
#2
#2
I can't relate, so I can't help you that way. But I understand feeling lonely sometimes and I'll pray for yah :)
 
I

IloveyouGod

Guest
#3
#3
When you say enjoy it all, you meant enjoy being married and having sex when it doesn't feel wrong, right? Is that what you mean?


Ugly said:
What this thread is not about: Lust
What this thread does not need: A barrage of scriptures about lust
Pointing out what people should have/should not have done. Don't beat people for their pasts, but deal with their struggles in the present. Show some compassion and put away your pharisee hat for once.

Hopefully this thread doesn't get closed or trolled as i think its a valid discussion.


As Christian singles it seems every time anything about sex is brought up, its lustful thoughts. Which is a major problem, i get it. But not all desires are bound in lust. Being married doesn't mean you can't lust, and being single doesn't mean desire is always lust.
I admit, i have not always had pure relationships. I have been in relationships where sex was involved. Serious relationships. So my question is, for those who have been married, or relationships similar to mine, how much does that desire for a spiritually and emotionally healthy sex life play into your wanting to get married? At 38 and never married i've never experienced it fully. I enjoyed the closeness and bond in previous relationships, but there was still that gnaw in the back of my mind that it wasn't right.
And now, i struggle with that desire and it can sometimes play a big part in my wanting to be married. As i'm nearing an age where its not uncommon for men to begin slowing down in those areas, it just makes it that much more urgent, at times, to want to enjoy it all.
And for those of you who know what i'm getting at, how do you cope with those feelings when they show? Sometimes this is major source of my loneliness.
Click to expand...
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#4
#4
IloveyouGod said:
When you say enjoy it all, you meant enjoy being married and having sex when it doesn't feel wrong, right? Is that what you mean?
Click to expand...
To quote my original post...

At 38 and never married i've never experienced it fully. I enjoyed the closeness and bond in previous relationships, but there was still that gnaw in the back of my mind that it wasn't right.
And now, i struggle with that desire and it can sometimes play a big part in my wanting to be married.
Click to expand...
 
S

Shouryu

Guest
#5
#5
Ugly said:
And for those of you who know what i'm getting at, how do you cope with those feelings when they show? Sometimes this is major source of my loneliness.
Click to expand...
I can very much relate to some of the things you've said here. I won't say much more about it than that publicly, because most of us know, you don't have to be a member to read things posted on the forums, and there aren't many people who colloquially identify themselves with my name...and while I've posted about The Ex numerous times before, I have tried to do so in a matter-of-factly, and not disparaging manner. So, some things in which I would love to share with you, Uggers, and the others here...but since it's public, I won't.

BUT

As far as coping...I am but a few years younger than you. I certainly feel the urgency, and much of the regret and frustration I feel about how things went down with The Ex is that I gave what most would consider to be the best years of my life to someone who valued our love so shallowly (years I should have given to Christ instead)...and the the gnawing wonder that if I had bought the ring sooner, proposed and all that stuff...that I wouldn't be in danger of having the window of opportunity vanish as it appears now, occasionally. This happens more often than I would like, and sometimes I take too long to remember Philippians 3 and 4, remember to stop looking behind and focus ahead, to what God has laid out for me.

I find comfort in the trust I have in Him...I trust that He knew better...that, despite how I feel sometimes, that He may have been rescuing me and I just don't even know it yet. That could very well be an illusion, a fabrication of my own mind, really...but I have to believe that Yahweh wants what's best for me, and if that's true, then what had to happen HAD to happen. And if it IS really what's best for me...then it has to mean that He has better things for me ahead than what was left behind. It may not mean a mate; I could very well be given solitude for the rest of my days as penance for turning my back on Him and choosing to live a worldly life for so long...but that solitude might even the lifeboat or rescue mission I needed. I don't know...but I trust.

He knows more, and sees more, than I could ever know or understand. And He loves more, and is more faithful and true than I could ever hope to be.

Sometimes when those feelings of frustration and regret pop up, my stereo hits that one Third Day song that says it all...
To You, O Lord, I lift my soul
In You, O God, I place my trust
Do not let me be put to shame
Nor let my enemies triumph over me

My hope is You; Show me Your way
Guide me in truth in all my days
My hope is You

I am, O Lord, filled with Your love
You are, O God, my salvation
Guard my life and rescue me, yeah
My broken spirit shouts, my mended heart cries out

My hope is in You
 
I

IloveyouGod

Guest
#6
#6
Ugly said:
To quote my original post...
Click to expand...
Ugly, you have a life conscious cuz you said when you had sex outside marriage you felt it's not right. You were not happy about it.

Just be careful cuz if you want to get married to have it in a right way, then you might settle for anything. Which is very dangerous.
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#7
#7
IloveyouGod said:
Ugly, you have a life conscious cuz you said when you had sex outside marriage you felt it's not right. You were not happy about it.

Just be careful cuz if you want to get married to have it in a right way, then you might settle for anything. Which is very dangerous.
Click to expand...
I get that. But please re-read the post more closely and see what i'm asking. I'm not seeking people telling me how wrong i am. I'm seeking people that can relate to what i'm feeling or have advice on how to handle those feelings. Not warnings or scoldings.
 
P

persNickety

Guest
#8
#8
I think it's quite understandable about how you feel. I can relate in a few ways. For myself, it's not so much the desire to have sex, but wanting to have children. I can see how that desire may influence my decision to marry. I did a research paper last year, and found that as Christian single women age, the conviction of not marrying outside the church begins to weaken. Realities set in. It's understandable that Christian men struggle in similar ways.

How to cope? I live out my 'motherly-ness' in other ways. With my niece and in some ways working with the individuals that I support. I guess I just have kept myself busy and vented when I need to. My friend once asked me, if you remain single for the rest of your life, if you didn't have children, what then? What would or could you do to still lead a satisfying life? The answer is also a way that an INFP can develop in healthy ways: meaningful action. Doing something purposeful in life. Looking beyond yourself. I know it's not the exact same as you but I believe that the existence of the urgent desire is the same. But for your own situation, maybe ask yourself a similar question, what would happen if you never were to have that intimacy, what then? Would your life still have purpose? Could you find satisfaction regardless?

I don't know if any of this is helpful to you, but it's honestly the only ways that have helped me with the urgency.
 
Grace-Like-Rain

Grace-Like-Rain

Senior Member
#9
Sep 6, 2013
4,430
117
63
#9
Ugly said:
So my question is, for those who have been married, or relationships similar to mine, how much does that desire for a spiritually and emotionally healthy sex life play into your wanting to get married?
Click to expand...
I definitely go through stages when it comes to wanting to remarry... creep forward, run away, creep forward, run away. The running away usually has to do with thoughts of disappointing a husband. The creeping forward usually has to do with my desire for emotional, spiritual, sexual intimacy... the whole thing. How I cope? I don't cope well. During a creep-forward moment, I log into eHarmony and respond to questions someone has sent me. Then that person becomes interested, mentions marriage, and wuh whoa... RUN AWAY! Of course, then there is guilt, because if I panic like that at the thought of marriage, then I have no business "dating" anyway. Blah. I've sworn off relationships for an indefinite period of time, but who knows how I will feel when that loneliness strikes again. :(

Here is a question... for the 16 years I was married, it was "right" and "good" and "healthy" for me to desire my husband. To think intimate thoughts about him or us or sex. My entire adult life was spent that way, minus the last two years. Now I am divorced. He is married to another woman. He no longer belongs to me. Any sort of intimacy I've ever known was related to him, so when/if I think about sex at all, it is most likely about sex with him (when he was my husband). And he's not my husband anymore. So what WAS good and right, NOW is wrong and sinful... right? When we did it, it was a good thing. But remembering it now is bad. How is THAT supposed to work...??
 
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P

persNickety

Guest
#10
#10
This might be odd, but even having a pet helps. Someone waiting for you at home, that will cuddle with you and needs you to be there. They show affection in small ways.
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#11
#11
persNickety said:
I think it's quite understandable about how you feel. I can relate in a few ways. For myself, it's not so much the desire to have sex, but wanting to have children. I can see how that desire may influence my decision to marry. I did a research paper last year, and found that as Christian single women age, the conviction of not marrying outside the church begins to weaken. Realities set in. It's understandable that Christian men struggle in similar ways.

How to cope? I live out my 'motherly-ness' in other ways. With my niece and in some ways working with the individuals that I support. I guess I just have kept myself busy and vented when I need to. My friend once asked me, if you remain single for the rest of your life, if you didn't have children, what then? What would or could you do to still lead a satisfying life? The answer is also a way that an INFP can develop in healthy ways: meaningful action. Doing something purposeful in life. Looking beyond yourself. I know it's not the exact same as you but I believe that the existence of the urgent desire is the same. But for your own situation, maybe ask yourself a similar question, what would happen if you never were to have that intimacy, what then? Would your life still have purpose? Could you find satisfaction regardless?

I don't know if any of this is helpful to you, but it's honestly the only ways that have helped me with the urgency.
Click to expand...
It is different. I think, actually, yours is an easier void to fill. At least at this point in your life. As you said, you can take care of others, be around kids, and while its not the same, its at least something. But with intimacy, there is no stand in. Not for the closeness aspect.

But to answer your question, how will i feel if i never know that? I will regret it. Because i have experienced that closeness. And i know what i'm missing. My life can still have purpose with or without marriage, though, honestly, i've yet to find out what that purpose is. But i think there will always be a level of dissatisfaction.
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#12
#12
Grace-Like-Rain said:
I definitely go through stages when it comes to wanting to remarry... creep forward, run away, creep forward, run away. The running away usually has to do with thoughts of disappointing a husband. The creeping forward usually has to do with my desire for emotional, spiritual, sexual intimacy... the whole thing. How I cope? I don't cope well. During a creep-forward moment, I log into eHarmony and respond to questions someone has sent me. Then that person becomes interested, mentions marriage, and wuh whoa... RUN AWAY! Of course, then there is guilt, because if I panic like that at the thought of marriage, then I have no business "dating" anyway. Blah. I've sworn off relationships for an indefinite period of time, but who knows how I will feel when that loneliness strikes again. :(

Here is a question... for the 16 years I was married, it was "right" and "good" and "healthy" for me to desire my husband. To think intimate thoughts about him or us or sex. My entire adult life was spent that way, minus the last two years. Now I am divorced. He is married to another woman. He no longer belongs to me. Any sort of intimacy I've ever known was related to him, so when/if I think about sex at all, it is most likely about sex with him (when he was my husband). And he's not my husband anymore. So what WAS good and right, NOW is wrong and sinful... right? When we did it, it was a good thing. But remembering it now is bad. How is THAT supposed to work...??
Click to expand...
Hmm... that is something i've never thought of, in your second paragraph. I guess, its not bad, if i had to answer. Because you aren't lusting. But, of so i'm assuming, you're having that same thing i'm talking about. Or, reflecting on when you did. Sure, you have to be careful to not allow it to turn to lust, but i would think that just generally having those thoughts are not wrong in and of themselves.
 
P

persNickety

Guest
#13
#13
Also, know that the feelings of loneliness and the urgent desire, will come in as a wave. It will come in strong, but know that it will pass. Don't try to fight it, but just know it will soon pass. Allow yourself to feel it, lament, have a little self-pity but know that it IS a wave and the stormy waters of emotions will calm. You will get up, pull yourself up by the bootstraps and continue in life until the next time.
 
S

Shouryu

Guest
#14
#14
Ugly said:
But to answer your question, how will i feel if i never know that? I will regret it. Because i have experienced that closeness. And i know what i'm missing.
Click to expand...
THIS.

THISTHISTHISTHIS​THIS.
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#15
#15
persNickety said:
This might be odd, but even having a pet helps. Someone waiting for you at home, that will cuddle with you and needs you to be there. They show affection in small ways.
Click to expand...
This is true of some levels of affection. But no pet replaces sexual intimacy. Well, at least not for normal people *ahem hahaha. If your pet fills that void i don't think i want to hear anymore about it (not you as in pers... just anyone).
 
P

persNickety

Guest
#16
#16
Ugly said:
This is true of some levels of affection. But no pet replaces sexual intimacy. Well, at least not for normal people *ahem hahaha. If your pet fills that void i don't think i want to hear anymore about it (not you as in pers... just anyone).
Click to expand...
Hahaha yeah it's not the EXACT same, but the affection is there.
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#17
#17
persNickety said:
Hahaha yeah it's not the EXACT same, but the affection is there.
Click to expand...
Granted, but i'm talking about more than affection. I'm talking specifically about the level of intimacy that you share with someone you are close with, that is felt and expressed within a marriage bed. Affection can be found in many places, but that level of intimacy is only found, between humans, in one place. And that is the focus of this thread. Not just affection.
 
Liamson

Liamson

Senior Member
#18
Feb 3, 2010
3,078
69
48
#18
There is a sense of belonging that comes with really deep levels of intimacy.

There is a sense of trust that comes with being so vulnerable, and yet so entirely accepted.



But the real killer, is the longing to never have to say goodbye.

My driving motivator is more of an ultimate sense of Justice, that Love itself cries out to be everything that is good and right and beautiful.

Any attempt at short cutting the path is to cheapen love, but love cannot be made less noble. So in effect it becomes something else. Whether the aim is procreation, gratification, security, money, loneliness or status, to replace the love as the centerpiece of intimacy is to counterfeit its designed purpose.

The truth is that which lasts. To Love deeply is to love forever. It is the last vestige of innocence in all of creation, that nakedness without shame, that vulnerability without fear and beauty without pride. Sex is but an expression of this.




For me it was like unripe grapes, a bittersweet sorrow, to come so close to how it should be, but to know that no matter how close it was, it was only a shadow of how it ought to be. Like pretending to play at something I didn't understand.

To steal it for the moment, is to rob yourself of something more beautiful. And once the forbidden fruit is tasted, it cannot be unremembered. This is to chase the dragon, until the chase is abandoned and the rightful path remembered, there will never be a true rest and belong as it was meant to be.

But that longing never goes away. It is better to have never known, than to have it out of season.
 
S

Shouryu

Guest
#19
#19
Liamson said:
But that longing never goes away. It is better to have never known, than to have it out of season.
Click to expand...
I have expressed this a couple of times here. Sometimes it seems that people who haven't known never believe me.

[video=youtube;lwHdW5BIVo8]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lwHdW5BIVo8[/video]
 
taggerung

taggerung

Senior Member
#20
Apr 26, 2009
219
2
18
34
#20
I can relate ugly. Physical intimacy is one of the major reasons I want to marry. Not so much having kids, that's not on my "to-do list". I really look forward to having sex (but only when I'm married) I'm still young, but I do wonder if I will ever get married, and have a chance to fill my desire for physical intimacy. I guess only God knows :/
 
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