Thank You for such a great witness for Christ. I have a similar story but my abusers were professionals in the system of youth homes. What a horrible way to just survive.
You mentioned forgiving. I am not sure when I forgave my abusers. I did it more as a command from Jesus. What Jesus has shown me is that when I forgave my abusers I took control away from them. As long as the shame,disgust,hatred was there they still had control over me.
I do have one question. How do I stop projecting that I am a victim. My body language, my speech, my assertiveness all project victim. I know I do it and sometimes catch myself doing it and I stand up to it. It is just so darn automatic. I could use some scripture reminders of who I am in Christ.
Kafa
Regarding "telegraphing" your abuse, survivorship and victimhood: Dropping our very foundation of life is difficult: and please let me explain:
Every man/woman on God's earth was given a childhood if they were given the gift of those first 18-years of life. The first years are SO very vital and formative to our persona that the attempts and suggestions to "forgetabouit" are all for not. I would think it easier for a Doctor to "forget" his years for med school...suggest a pilot forget his training and years of flight hour experience.
We all get a childhood to look back upon. Ours was bad. God wept for us. He did not own the evil, but he owned US. There is no shame in having been shaped by those years. If the results are undesirable, its not your fault. I fully believe that WE men do not have 1% the power to change something like conditioning and quirky behaviour under our own power. In something SO massive, we have virtually zero power. The power comes from Him upon our request.
I had NO power to eliminate cocaine from my very early years. None! There was no hope in finding that healing within me. God had ALWAYS told me what I needed to do in order to dump the addiction. It was not "find a program." He did not tell me to do anything radical. He always told me "rob, you have to deal with that stuff from childhood. Stop hiding it in your head. Trust in Me more." He said: You know that you have to tell those around you what happened.
The moment I did that...and I mean THE VERY MOMENT, the addiction went away, never to return for even one relapse.
The answer he may give you is that "I want you to keep your traits, as they are direct connection to "all that." I don't know. I DO however know that He uses survivors of trauma as "specialists" in this field.
Sorry therapists whom work with survivors, but you'll never fully know what we know. There are things only we can do in battle, identifying those in abusive situations, the abused child and adult, identify the perpetrators, etc. He may not want your personality traits to go away. They may be pure gold if you seek employment of them. I don't know...But I DO know you gotta ask our Boss.
As for scripture; I tend to latch onto ANY and ALL NT regarding the value of the child to Christ. I find it comforting that my experience IS etched in stone; that it was wrong, not my fault, and fully abhorrent to God.