That feeling when you see a girl, and covetous begins
- Thread starter cyphercat
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LOL. That reminded me of the episode of Seinfeld where the guy was a bad breaker-upper and he tells Elaine that she has a big head...size-wise, not ego-wise...and then people keep saying for her to move her big head and she is traumatized. I can't remember if another woman comes up to him while he and Elaine are dating and stabs him with a fork or dumps water on him...it's been awhile...but the eye-gouging thing made me think of this.
I use the word Covet (which I'm going to try to bring back into use, since it is all encompassing), because when I see a girl that I find attractive, the process of thought goes something like this:
1) Acknowledge her natural beauty, the affirmation that she is attractive
2) Begin to look at her further
3) Begin to consider her as girlfriend material
4) Begin to entertain thoughts of her as girlfriend material
Ok STOP (hammer time).
When 4 begins, ASK YOURSELF:
"Am I attractive enough for this girl? Would this girl be disgusted if she was to know that I was entertaining thoughts of her being my girlfriend?"
If I'm not attractive enough to be the girl's boyfriend, I put those thoughts out of my head out of respect for her.
She would die if she knew I thought of her as a girlfriend.
5) Begin to covet her as a girlfriend
Pause for a second. You see a cute girl, and you reach stage 5. Then you start actually thinking of what it would be like for her to be your girlfriend, and you feel that positive, happy feeling. This is where I usually run, if I haven't already at step 4.
These thoughts aren't healthy! They'll lead to tears later when you discover she could never have been your girlfriend in the first place.
Save yourself from a broken heart. Stop thinking of her in that way.
6) Pursue her
If you've reached the point where you consider her girlfriend material, then your mind will begin to figure out how it can make those thoughts a reality. You will think about her when she's not around. You will do things that will increase your chances of her being in your environment. Worst of all, you will be nicer to her than you will other people. You will be biased towards her and your relationships with other people will suffer, because you show her preference over others.
AND SHE'S NOT EVEN YOUR SPOUSE.
7) Lust for her
Now you've done it.
You let yourself enjoy thinking about her just being your girlfriend.
And that wasn't enough. You didn't stop yourself.
So you began to actually consider her as your girlfriend, and you stored up hope of this by consenting that those thoughts would be good to happen.
Then, your mind began to work to bring these thoughts to reality. And you changed your life, and sacrificed your existing relationships to accomodate and show preferential treatment towards this girl.
And now your mind is going to pursue her as a spouse. And your relationships will suffer in some way.
And you might even act out according to your lust.
That's why I say RUN.
1) Acknowledge her natural beauty, the affirmation that she is attractive
2) Begin to look at her further
3) Begin to consider her as girlfriend material
4) Begin to entertain thoughts of her as girlfriend material
Ok STOP (hammer time).
When 4 begins, ASK YOURSELF:
"Am I attractive enough for this girl? Would this girl be disgusted if she was to know that I was entertaining thoughts of her being my girlfriend?"
If I'm not attractive enough to be the girl's boyfriend, I put those thoughts out of my head out of respect for her.
She would die if she knew I thought of her as a girlfriend.
5) Begin to covet her as a girlfriend
Pause for a second. You see a cute girl, and you reach stage 5. Then you start actually thinking of what it would be like for her to be your girlfriend, and you feel that positive, happy feeling. This is where I usually run, if I haven't already at step 4.
These thoughts aren't healthy! They'll lead to tears later when you discover she could never have been your girlfriend in the first place.
Save yourself from a broken heart. Stop thinking of her in that way.
6) Pursue her
If you've reached the point where you consider her girlfriend material, then your mind will begin to figure out how it can make those thoughts a reality. You will think about her when she's not around. You will do things that will increase your chances of her being in your environment. Worst of all, you will be nicer to her than you will other people. You will be biased towards her and your relationships with other people will suffer, because you show her preference over others.
AND SHE'S NOT EVEN YOUR SPOUSE.
7) Lust for her
Now you've done it.
You let yourself enjoy thinking about her just being your girlfriend.
And that wasn't enough. You didn't stop yourself.
So you began to actually consider her as your girlfriend, and you stored up hope of this by consenting that those thoughts would be good to happen.
Then, your mind began to work to bring these thoughts to reality. And you changed your life, and sacrificed your existing relationships to accomodate and show preferential treatment towards this girl.
And now your mind is going to pursue her as a spouse. And your relationships will suffer in some way.
And you might even act out according to your lust.
That's why I say RUN.
I tend to side with cyphercat on this. My rule is, if I get to the point where look at and think about a woman for more than say, 3 seconds (a mostly arbitrary number), then I need to make a call - am I prepared to go up to that woman, and start talking to her, say hi, etc. If I'm only prepared to view her from afar, then I'm allowing myself to continue to watch, continue to imagine, until I start fantasising and lusting. Not only is it sinful, it's also just unrealistic - if I'm never going to talk to the woman, we're never going to end up in a God honouring relationship. At best, I'm wasting my time.
At least if I am prepared to talk to her, I not only prevent myself from objectifying her (hard to objectify someone who can have a conversation with you that doesn't follow your fantasy lines), but I actually can start to find out whether there is an potential at all for an actual relationship.
I met this girl at a wedding once (our mutual friends were getting married), and I noticed her at the reception as well. Thankfully, we got seated together at the reception, so that made the conversation bit that much easier.
This was a couple of years ago - actually haven't kept in contact much beyond FB, she lives a good four and a half hours drive away.
Anyway, it was that experience that made me think about this rule of mine - I found her attractive, but then I also felt that our time chatting put a wedge in my mind that helped me not thinking about her as just someone who was sexually attractive and there for my own personal enjoyment, but a thinking person with her own desires and thoughts and ideologies who I had to relate to beyond simply with my eyes. As much as it's hard to get an image of a beautiful woman out of your head (and to fight it, especially if you look too long), I've found its also harder to think of someone in lustful terms when you have spoken to them and learnt about them, and prayed with them. Not impossible, but harder. I've found it helpful.
In terms of cyphercat's seven step process, my personal asking-of-the-questions moment probably occurs at step 2 or 3. Any further than that, and you start to hit the point of no return - that kind of thinking and fantasising has a tendency to spiral.
At least if I am prepared to talk to her, I not only prevent myself from objectifying her (hard to objectify someone who can have a conversation with you that doesn't follow your fantasy lines), but I actually can start to find out whether there is an potential at all for an actual relationship.
I met this girl at a wedding once (our mutual friends were getting married), and I noticed her at the reception as well. Thankfully, we got seated together at the reception, so that made the conversation bit that much easier.
This was a couple of years ago - actually haven't kept in contact much beyond FB, she lives a good four and a half hours drive away. Anyway, it was that experience that made me think about this rule of mine - I found her attractive, but then I also felt that our time chatting put a wedge in my mind that helped me not thinking about her as just someone who was sexually attractive and there for my own personal enjoyment, but a thinking person with her own desires and thoughts and ideologies who I had to relate to beyond simply with my eyes. As much as it's hard to get an image of a beautiful woman out of your head (and to fight it, especially if you look too long), I've found its also harder to think of someone in lustful terms when you have spoken to them and learnt about them, and prayed with them. Not impossible, but harder. I've found it helpful.
In terms of cyphercat's seven step process, my personal asking-of-the-questions moment probably occurs at step 2 or 3. Any further than that, and you start to hit the point of no return - that kind of thinking and fantasising has a tendency to spiral.
What do you put a lot of thought into?
An iceberg sunk the Titanic.
When it comes to the war against your soul, I don't think it's a waste to spend my analytical abilities on wanting to please God and guard my heart and mind.
Can you suggest other things I would be better off spending this thought on?
If I didn't spend the thought on avoiding lust, what would have been a good alternative to thinking about?
An iceberg sunk the Titanic.
When it comes to the war against your soul, I don't think it's a waste to spend my analytical abilities on wanting to please God and guard my heart and mind.
Can you suggest other things I would be better off spending this thought on?
If I didn't spend the thought on avoiding lust, what would have been a good alternative to thinking about?
S
And just like hammer, this is a [woman] you can't touch.
Got to pray. Got to pray to make it through the day.
Though at your step 7, I've had situations where it isn't really lust, I just had someone I wished was my girlfriend, and for whatever reason I haven't gotten around to asking them out. No one can live up to those expectations. Just go ahead and ask them out.
S
I know I love God and I know I am a good person now if I see an attractive woman and I'm single I will introduce myself. I met a woman who was married and we had a good connection but i believe marriage is sacred so i walked away from that. I met a woman who was single and a Christian we had a good connection and now shes my girlfriend. I enjoy her partnership and we are contemplating marriage now. If we get married great. If we decide not too then we move on. I just honestly think cypher you are thinking about this stuff wayyyyyyy to hard. Once you know yourself it makes things crystal clear man.
I don't believe I'm acceptable for a woman right now.
I don't think certain women would want me thinking those thoughts about them.
In the very back of my heart is a type of woman that maybe one day I might be with. But I put that one ice and on hold for a long time.
I've got a long way to go before I'm ready for a wife.
So until then, I have to fight.
I don't think certain women would want me thinking those thoughts about them.
In the very back of my heart is a type of woman that maybe one day I might be with. But I put that one ice and on hold for a long time.
I've got a long way to go before I'm ready for a wife.
So until then, I have to fight.
so, if I see a lady I'm attracted to, I run? Are you saying that I should only pursue the ones I am not attracted to???
cov·et
verb \ˈkə-vət\ : to want (something that you do not have) very much
Full Definition of COVET
transitive verb
1
: to wish for earnestly <covet an award>
2
: to desire (what belongs to another) inordinately or culpably
intransitive verb
: to feel inordinate desire for what belongs to another
— cov·et·able adjective
— cov·et·er noun
— cov·et·ing·ly adverb
Cyphercat, I don't know what you are saying here. I don't think I am following your thought process very well. Regarding your seven steps, I got lost somewhere between steps 1 and, well...7.
cov·et
verb \ˈkə-vət\ : to want (something that you do not have) very much
Full Definition of COVET
transitive verb
1
: to wish for earnestly <covet an award>
2
: to desire (what belongs to another) inordinately or culpably
intransitive verb
: to feel inordinate desire for what belongs to another
— cov·et·able adjective
— cov·et·er noun
— cov·et·ing·ly adverb
Cyphercat, I don't know what you are saying here. I don't think I am following your thought process very well. Regarding your seven steps, I got lost somewhere between steps 1 and, well...7.
I use the word Covet (which I'm going to try to bring back into use, since it is all encompassing), because when I see a girl that I find attractive, the process of thought goes something like this:
1) Acknowledge her natural beauty, the affirmation that she is attractive
nothing wrong here! - - except, maybe your use of the word "covet." The first definition above describes a strong yearning. In the second definition, it is a desire for something that belongs to another. In your example, are we wife-coveting or coveting someone's girlfriend?
2) Begin to look at her further
still OK. So far, so good!
3) Begin to consider her as girlfriend material
4) Begin to entertain thoughts of her as girlfriend material
What do both of these mean? Is one innocent and the other lustful? Yer losin' me...
Ok STOP (hammer time).
When 4 begins, ASK YOURSELF:
"Am I attractive enough for this girl? Would this girl be disgusted if she was to know that I was entertaining thoughts of her being my girlfriend?"
If I'm not attractive enough to be the girl's boyfriend, I put those thoughts out of my head out of respect for her.
She would die if she knew I thought of her as a girlfriend.
Why would she be disgusted? What thoughts are you entertaining? "...thoughts of her being my girlfriend?" is very unclear - - if you are fantasizing about sexual things with her, those should not be part of boyfriend/girlfriend activities among believers.
oh, and have we even talked to this girl yet? All we have so far is that she is physically attractive.
5) Begin to covet her as a girlfriend
Pause for a second. You see a cute girl, and you reach stage 5. Then you start actually thinking of what it would be like for her to be your girlfriend, and you feel that positive, happy feeling. This is where I usually run, if I haven't already at step 4.
These thoughts aren't healthy! They'll lead to tears later when you discover she could never have been your girlfriend in the first place. How come she could never be your girlfriend?
Save yourself from a broken heart. Stop thinking of her in that way. Why are you so quick to assume rejection?
6) Pursue her
If you've reached the point where you consider her girlfriend material, then your mind will begin to figure out how it can make those thoughts a reality. You will think about her when she's not around. You will do things that will increase your chances of her being in your environment. Worst of all, you will be nicer to her than you will other people. You will be biased towards her and your relationships with other people will suffer, because you show her preference over others.
AND SHE'S NOT EVEN YOUR SPOUSE. Again, have we even talked to her yet, or are we admiring her from afar? If we are in a relationship, then yes, she will get preferential treatment.
7) Lust for her
Now you've done it.
You let yourself enjoy thinking about her just being your girlfriend.
And that wasn't enough. You didn't stop yourself.
So you began to actually consider her as your girlfriend, and you stored up hope of this by consenting that those thoughts would be good to happen.
Then, your mind began to work to bring these thoughts to reality. And you changed your life, and sacrificed your existing relationships to accomodate and show preferential treatment towards this girl.
And now your mind is going to pursue her as a spouse. And your relationships will suffer in some way.
And you might even act out according to your lust.
So does admiring a woman always lead to lust, or can it lead to a healthy friendship or romantic relationship?
That's why I say RUN.
1) Acknowledge her natural beauty, the affirmation that she is attractive
nothing wrong here! - - except, maybe your use of the word "covet." The first definition above describes a strong yearning. In the second definition, it is a desire for something that belongs to another. In your example, are we wife-coveting or coveting someone's girlfriend?
2) Begin to look at her further
still OK. So far, so good!
3) Begin to consider her as girlfriend material
4) Begin to entertain thoughts of her as girlfriend material
What do both of these mean? Is one innocent and the other lustful? Yer losin' me...
Ok STOP (hammer time).
When 4 begins, ASK YOURSELF:
"Am I attractive enough for this girl? Would this girl be disgusted if she was to know that I was entertaining thoughts of her being my girlfriend?"
If I'm not attractive enough to be the girl's boyfriend, I put those thoughts out of my head out of respect for her.
She would die if she knew I thought of her as a girlfriend.
Why would she be disgusted? What thoughts are you entertaining? "...thoughts of her being my girlfriend?" is very unclear - - if you are fantasizing about sexual things with her, those should not be part of boyfriend/girlfriend activities among believers.
oh, and have we even talked to this girl yet? All we have so far is that she is physically attractive.
5) Begin to covet her as a girlfriend
Pause for a second. You see a cute girl, and you reach stage 5. Then you start actually thinking of what it would be like for her to be your girlfriend, and you feel that positive, happy feeling. This is where I usually run, if I haven't already at step 4.
These thoughts aren't healthy! They'll lead to tears later when you discover she could never have been your girlfriend in the first place. How come she could never be your girlfriend?
Save yourself from a broken heart. Stop thinking of her in that way. Why are you so quick to assume rejection?
6) Pursue her
If you've reached the point where you consider her girlfriend material, then your mind will begin to figure out how it can make those thoughts a reality. You will think about her when she's not around. You will do things that will increase your chances of her being in your environment. Worst of all, you will be nicer to her than you will other people. You will be biased towards her and your relationships with other people will suffer, because you show her preference over others.
AND SHE'S NOT EVEN YOUR SPOUSE. Again, have we even talked to her yet, or are we admiring her from afar? If we are in a relationship, then yes, she will get preferential treatment.
7) Lust for her
Now you've done it.
You let yourself enjoy thinking about her just being your girlfriend.
And that wasn't enough. You didn't stop yourself.
So you began to actually consider her as your girlfriend, and you stored up hope of this by consenting that those thoughts would be good to happen.
Then, your mind began to work to bring these thoughts to reality. And you changed your life, and sacrificed your existing relationships to accomodate and show preferential treatment towards this girl.
And now your mind is going to pursue her as a spouse. And your relationships will suffer in some way.
And you might even act out according to your lust.
So does admiring a woman always lead to lust, or can it lead to a healthy friendship or romantic relationship?
That's why I say RUN.
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on a slightly unrelated note:
when i lived in vegas, for a number of reasons, i wanted to try out a restaurant that serves diners in almost complete darkness. i was there with a girl friend of mine and we were seated at this round banquet table with a bunch of people that we didn't know. if i'm not mistaken, i believe they even changed the seating at one point after a couple courses in so that you had the opportunity to meet more people.
it was truly an amazing experience to meet others and get to know who they were (i'm talking both genders) without the limitations of their physical appearance. i was a bit surprised by just how much i enjoyed getting to know people with only their words, the timber of their voice and and the charm in which they expressed themselves. it also altered the basis of what my first impression was of them.
in some ways, i wish i could recreate that every time i meet people -- especially guys because it removes any of my distractions and the focus shifts in such a profound way.
when i lived in vegas, for a number of reasons, i wanted to try out a restaurant that serves diners in almost complete darkness. i was there with a girl friend of mine and we were seated at this round banquet table with a bunch of people that we didn't know. if i'm not mistaken, i believe they even changed the seating at one point after a couple courses in so that you had the opportunity to meet more people.
it was truly an amazing experience to meet others and get to know who they were (i'm talking both genders) without the limitations of their physical appearance. i was a bit surprised by just how much i enjoyed getting to know people with only their words, the timber of their voice and and the charm in which they expressed themselves. it also altered the basis of what my first impression was of them.
in some ways, i wish i could recreate that every time i meet people -- especially guys because it removes any of my distractions and the focus shifts in such a profound way.
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yeah, i was wondering if someone was going to mention that. if you really want an answer to that question...
well, in my opinion, not really. or maybe a little. i think that writing is an entirely different (and quite beautiful in its clarity) as a way of communicating. but people are far more deliberate and measured in their writing (or maybe that's my impression because its true about me). i try to re-read my statement before i hit the "post" button, and there are things that we don't say because there is a lack of context for which it is given. but yes, there is a level of mystery as well online.
also, i think that this is a medium that probably doesn't easily reflect people's personalities very well (or at least i've been told this is true about me). sometimes i barely recognize myself. i would assume that is true with others.
also a big difference is the fact that this is largely a single directional communication vehicle. the limitations of this medium afford you the ability to choose whether to engage, and how you choose to answer someone directly speaking to you.
however, when you're dynamically speaking, there isn't as much opportunity to hide from questions (and i'm all about the questions!) and even how people latch onto or resist topics is something i find extremely interesting. how easily they open up about themselves, or whether they deflect and answer with questions. or listening to someone's voice light up as they begin to talk about something, or how they get quiet when another subject is broached. the ease in which they laugh. and what their laugh sounds like- a genuine hearty laugh or a polite snicker.
its crazy how having your sense of sight dulled helps you to hear even better the things that are easy to miss while you're processing visual information and your brain is being taken off and on autopilot during the conversation.
i've always thought that a date at one of those places would equal about three elsewhere.
well, in my opinion, not really. or maybe a little. i think that writing is an entirely different (and quite beautiful in its clarity) as a way of communicating. but people are far more deliberate and measured in their writing (or maybe that's my impression because its true about me). i try to re-read my statement before i hit the "post" button, and there are things that we don't say because there is a lack of context for which it is given. but yes, there is a level of mystery as well online.
also, i think that this is a medium that probably doesn't easily reflect people's personalities very well (or at least i've been told this is true about me). sometimes i barely recognize myself. i would assume that is true with others.
also a big difference is the fact that this is largely a single directional communication vehicle. the limitations of this medium afford you the ability to choose whether to engage, and how you choose to answer someone directly speaking to you.
however, when you're dynamically speaking, there isn't as much opportunity to hide from questions (and i'm all about the questions!) and even how people latch onto or resist topics is something i find extremely interesting. how easily they open up about themselves, or whether they deflect and answer with questions. or listening to someone's voice light up as they begin to talk about something, or how they get quiet when another subject is broached. the ease in which they laugh. and what their laugh sounds like- a genuine hearty laugh or a polite snicker.
its crazy how having your sense of sight dulled helps you to hear even better the things that are easy to miss while you're processing visual information and your brain is being taken off and on autopilot during the conversation.
i've always thought that a date at one of those places would equal about three elsewhere.
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When you read people's thoughts you can feel its perfume or their stinking words... And I agree with you! But looking deep into their eyes can tell you well where their ideas (or intentions) really are.
You are one of those persons how deeply see in the eyes when talking and listening to.
You are one of those persons how deeply see in the eyes when talking and listening to.
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