Actions speak louder than words

[1still_waters]

I think it happens for men too, just in a different way.

Women tend to absorb the interests/hobbies of the guy,...ie sports...or whatever.

It seems as if men reciprocate by maybe letting the woman's sense of style overtake the house. Doilies, lamps, pillows, candles, frilly stuff in the bathroom. The man reciprocates by enduring long discussions over hair, nails, fashion, etc.

 

[1still_waters]

I also wonder if some of this is because of built in tendencies within each gender.

If the man is designed to lead, and the woman is designed to follow, then it makes sense why women tend to show more interest in the man's interests.

That is IF men are designed to lead, and women are designed to follow.

 

[just_monicat]

I don't see it as a negative either. It's something I do out of genuine interest in them and the things that matter to them. It's been a wild ride.

even though i know my words might have implied such, i didn't really mean to infer you were complaining about this. i've had reconcile this myself. it is sometimes hard to find someone who will share a priority and desire to "integrate" interests and the like. i've heard the phrase "one's a flower, and the other is a gardener" and i always find it so depressing to think that the disparity of a one sided relationship is ok. and i also think it's less than acceptable for only one person (in a relationship) to show genuine interest and make time available for an interest beyond your own preference.

here's to hoping you find a ballet-loving guy and a good night's sleep.

 

[zaoman32]

I tried to go to sleep. Can't. My stress has had stress babies and they keep stomping me awake. :/

Mostly I have a huge question in my mind.

Ladies, you know how we women will go out of our way to learn about stuff like football or cars or books or whatever as a way of growing closer to a guy? As a romantic gesture that we are truly interested in him and in getting to know more about him?

Why does it seem like that is rarely reciprocated? Is it just me? Why are some guys so dead set against romantic gestures? Terms of endearment? Asking about something WE are interested in? Never once have I ever had a guy want to learn more about ballet. (Not gonna hold my breath on that one or anything...just sayin' )

What is so wrong about putting the love you profess for someone into action?
Does it make some guys feel less manly to DEMONSTRATE the feelings they SAY they have for you?
Is it a control issue?

Guys, do women ever make you feel this way?
Does it happen to men too?

I'm going to go drown my stress babies in a glass of chocolate milk and try to sleep again.....

I don't feel like I have to learn, or know too much about something in order to enjoy it with someone. For instance, if she wanted to go to a ballet, I could take her to one on a date, she would enjoy it, and if it was really a romantic gesture I would enjoy it. I'm not going to make myself learn all about something I have absolutely no interest in though, and I don't expect any woman to make herself interested in anything I'm interested in. Just because we don't know much about what the other one likes doesn't mean it can't be enjoyed together.

 

[Liamson]

I think a lot of it has to do with being on the same wavelength.

I've only had one relationship where SHE came into my world and took an interest figuring it out.

A lot of women seem to like the idea of me or they like how other people see me. But that doesn't mean they necessary take the time to ask the question of why.

I have a sort of personal motto, that seemingly none of my roommates share. If there is a guest in the house in the evening, I will feed them. At our house, everyone cooks for themselves, except for me, I cook for other people too, roomies, friends, neighbors, whoever. If you are here when it happens, you are free to have some.

One of my roommates has this pothead friend and she comes over all the time. Enough that I've cooked for her a handful of times and I've ordered pizzas for the house a handful of other times when she's been here. Apparently no one is consistently nice to her, because she thought I liked her and that I was being coy, so she asked me out. In a darker chapter of my life I might have said yes, but it made me realize that a little hospitality goes a long way.



When it comes to me, I usually act first and then talk about it later. If I love a woman, my creativity needs to be stifled and my actions require reining in, so that I don't come across as a Psycho. But not everyone is wired to make the message in a bottle in a treasure chest with a treasure map. Not everyone bakes cookies, for no occasion but to say that they care. Not everyone cuts work or plays hookie from school just to surprise the other person.

When I'm working my magic, everyone knows.

 

[Fenner]

I like your post Liamson, but it reminded of the Big Bang theory. When Sheldon has a guest that is.upset he has to.offer them a.ho t beverage and they have to take it or it drives him crazy.

 

[iTOREtheSKY]

It's always nice if you & the person you are with share similar interests. I get what yer' saying Jullianna.
Personally,I never expected nor expect in the future for the woman I am with to "get into" thing's I enjoy. I suppose it's nice when one shows interest,but I don't think for myself,personally it would bother me if she didn't. I don't think I would feel unloved or anything like that. Much like Z-man,I can enjoy the things my partner is into without having to actually "understand" or have been into those thing's prior.
I find them enjoyable because they are enjoyable to her & make her happy. Thus,I share in her happiness.
My ex-wife used to love certain tv shows...she also loved to go do certain activities that I wasn't all that good at or interested in. Many times I would watch those programs with her...or go do these thing's with her simply because she wanted us to spend time together.
I figured it was a fair trade off considering over the course of 11 years I semi-corrupted her with my musical tastes.
It's all a give & take in a relationship. I think if two people happen to have many things in common that's awesome,but certainly there will be times you do thing's apart or thing's that one might be more interested than the other.
It's nice if when all is said and done that you are both simply supportive of one another. I think that's kinda romantic in & of itself.

 

[Fenner]

I understand what you're saying Jullianne and I've had those exact same thoughts in my own relationship sometimes. I'm going to share a story and I don't want it to sound like I'm in a horrible marriage because I'm not

My Husband has a habit of saying saracastic things. He think's it's funny, on occasion it is, but sometimes it's not. He doesn't do it to strangers, usually just to me. I used to tell him, please don't say that. I was trying to tell you something that was important to me and your making a joke out of it. Well he would pout off and I would just ignore. It got to the point where I just ignored what he said, when he'd make a remark I'd ignore it.

One time we were at him Mom's and he did that to me. He always did it. She snapped at him and told him not to do that to his wife, that it's very inconsiderate and mean. I sat there shocked, it was HIS Mom, not mine. She said to me, "I'm sorry, he was not raised to do that." At that moment I knew that I probably have the most awesome Mother in Law ever.

He apologized to me later, when I say apologize, like what his mom said really got to him. He doesn't do that as much anymore, he does on occasion, but I let it go. His Momma is watching, lol.

 

[just_monicat]

I understand what you're saying Jullianne and I've had those exact same thoughts in my own relationship sometimes. I'm going to share a story and I don't want it to sound like I'm in a horrible marriage because I'm not

My Husband has a habit of saying saracastic things. He think's it's funny, on occasion it is, but sometimes it's not. He doesn't do it to strangers, usually just to me. I used to tell him, please don't say that. I was trying to tell you something that was important to me and your making a joke out of it. Well he would pout off and I would just ignore. It got to the point where I just ignored what he said, when he'd make a remark I'd ignore it.

One time we were at him Mom's and he did that to me. He always did it. She snapped at him and told him not to do that to his wife, that it's very inconsiderate and mean. I sat there shocked, it was HIS Mom, not mine. She said to me, "I'm sorry, he was not raised to do that." At that moment I knew that I probably have the most awesome Mother in Law ever.

He apologized to me later, when I say apologize, like what his mom said really got to him. He doesn't do that as much anymore, he does on occasion, but I let it go. His Momma is watching, lol.

your MIL sounds like someone i'd like.

 

[Fenner]

I'm sure you would Monicat. She did a good job as a mother and didn't put up with any stuff. lol

 

[Stephen63]

I tried to go to sleep. Can't. My stress has had stress babies and they keep stomping me awake. :/

Mostly I have a huge question in my mind.

Ladies, you know how we women will go out of our way to learn about stuff like football or cars or books or whatever as a way of growing closer to a guy? As a romantic gesture that we are truly interested in him and in getting to know more about him?

Why does it seem like that is rarely reciprocated? Is it just me? Why are some guys so dead set against romantic gestures? Terms of endearment? Asking about something WE are interested in? Never once have I ever had a guy want to learn more about ballet. (Not gonna hold my breath on that one or anything...just sayin' )

What is so wrong about putting the love you profess for someone into action?
Does it make some guys feel less manly to DEMONSTRATE the feelings they SAY they have for you?
Is it a control issue?

Guys, do women ever make you feel this way?
Does it happen to men too?

I'm going to go drown my stress babies in a glass of chocolate milk and try to sleep again.....

IMO, such an interest in a guy may seem romantic to the ladies, but not always to guys. 40 years ago maybe, but not today. People aren't as trusting & are more critical than they used to be.

To some men, this 'taking interest' in their likes can be considered a "false liking". Lemme explain. Some men think more critically, or carefully about a woman with a "sudden interest" in them. They may get the impression she makes her "catch". This is why some women are blown away when the guy drops them abruptly after they "try so hard to please". We want honesty, & some men don't look at such behavior as honest. I don't. That could also be the reason why some men don't do the same towards their girlfriends........ they treat them the way they want to be treated.

I am married, but if I had to start all over, I would be more interested in a plain jane who was naturally funloving & honest than a model who would go out of her way to please. Why? Because I know what I have. No wondering whether I made the right decision during the "terrible two's". No guesswork for the future whether she will show her "true" side.

BTW Jules, ya might wanna hold off that chocolate milk at night. It might soothe, but the caffeine will keep you awake.

 

[1still_waters]

To some men, this 'taking interest' in their likes can be considered a "false liking". Lemme explain. Some men think more critically, or carefully about a woman with a "sudden interest" in them.

Good point. I know of women who seemingly have no interests of their own.
Want to find their interests?
Just talk to the man they are seeing, and find out his hobbies.

It's as if some women haven't allowed themselves the opportunity to develop their own interests. They simply absorb and assimilate the interests of the man.

 

[biscuit]

I tried to go to sleep. Can't. My stress has had stress babies and they keep stomping me awake. :/

Mostly I have a huge question in my mind.

Ladies, you know how we women will go out of our way to learn about stuff like football or cars or books or whatever as a way of growing closer to a guy? As a romantic gesture that we are truly interested in him and in getting to know more about him?

Why does it seem like that is rarely reciprocated? Is it just me? Why are some guys so dead set against romantic gestures? Terms of endearment? Asking about something WE are interested in? Never once have I ever had a guy want to learn more about ballet. (Not gonna hold my breath on that one or anything...just sayin' )

What is so wrong about putting the love you profess for someone into action?
Does it make some guys feel less manly to DEMONSTRATE the feelings they SAY they have for you?
Is it a control issue?

Guys, do women ever make you feel this way?
Does it happen to men too?

I'm going to go drown my stress babies in a glass of chocolate milk and try to sleep again.....

Yes Jullianna, it happens to both genders and it is the culture we live in and a reflection of it. There is the old school, often referred to as the traditional school, and we have the new school, where "you can have it all baby." The problem is both genders have changed so much in the last 50 years that many men & women are caught in a "crossroad," being stuck between the two schools. So much power have been taken away from men in relationships & marriage that many men are very caution about pursuing a full blown relationship for fear of "getting trapped." On the other end, we have too many women who are so desperate that they are throwing away all morals & decency in order to get a man for a relationship or marriage. When did this all come about? It started in the middle 1960's with the Women Rights' Movement, which was dominated by feminists. And here we are nearly 50 years later and women have made incredible strides in the labor force but took several steps backward in the relationship department. The good news is that there are eligible, good men available who want to get married, raise a family .... but the pool is very small. You really have to do your homework and ask Jesus to help you. It is a real jungle out there. But there is always hope with Jesus Christ.

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

To some men, this 'taking interest' in their likes can be considered a "false liking". Lemme explain. Some men think more critically, or carefully about a woman with a "sudden interest" in them. They may get the impression she makes her "catch". This is why some women are blown away when the guy drops them abruptly after they "try so hard to please". We want honesty, & some men don't look at such behavior as honest. I don't. That could also be the reason why some men don't do the same towards their girlfriends........ they treat them the way they want to be treated.

I see your point Stephen. And Liamson made a good point too about needing to reign in when he's interested so he doesn't appear psycho. (Haha, I get that.) I don't think there is anything fake about showing a genuine interest in something that someone else is invested in. For me, even some interested questions go a long way. My best friend works in a law office. I have an interest in what sort of cases they work on, how she spends her day, what sort of people she works with. Because she's my friend and I love her. I have another friend who just built a house. I ask her how things are going with the house, I am interested in seeing the progress, etc because I care about her, so naturally I care about her passions too.

This is another one of those things that I think goes back to how someone is raised. My ex-husband was raised in a house where there wasn't a lot of communication. Everyone did their own thing, there was a limited amount of interest in what others were doing. I remember moving into a new home when our girls were little, and fixing their room all up. My husband's mother came over to visit, and one of my daughters asked her if she wanted to go up and see their new room. She said no... she didn't need to. I don't think she realized that her lack of interest in their new room was hard for them. That's just how she was.

My parents were always very quick to support whatever we were interested in as kids, and now as adults. They had lots of questions, they wanted to see what I'd painted or hear about the latest things I'd done to my house. That's just how they were. Of course, that curiosity has it's drawbacks sometimes. (My ex, who wasn't used to that, would have said they were nosy.) But (to me) it does show a selfless interest in others that they care for.

I don't believe a couple must share all of their interests with one another. I'm a bit of a loner and actually need to be by myself to get a lot of my work done. But interest in who I am and what makes me tick is a nice thing. If someone is uninterested and indifferent to everything in my life, I'm going to start wondering if they are the person I want to invest my own attention in.

(I realize this is a bit of a spin-off from Jullianna's original post, sorry!)

 

[Jullianna]

I can see where some of y'all are coming from. I don't know that I am capable of feigning an interest in something. My face would give me away. I stink at poker.

I'm truly interested in what is important to the man in my life, but in a fun way, not a smothering way. I love learning new things and I have many interests of my own.

I'm just saying that it's important to find a way to put love in motion, not just say empty words, ya know?

 

[PopClick]

(Also just showing everyone that while I may be inactive currently, I'm not dead. ^_~)

^^Haha, ditto.

~~~~~

I am interested in other people's hobbies and stuff, mostly because I'm curious about everything. I love taking things apart and seeing how stuff is made, and that curiosity extends to almost every subject on Earth. I never thought about that attention not being reciprocated, because I don't really expect people to care about my hobbies and stuff. So when people do take an interest, I usually feel like they're doing it because they feel obligated to. And of course I don't want that... so I end up changing the subject to something they might be more interested in. But if the tables were turned, and someone changed the subject on me, I'd be like "Nooooo! I wanna know how thermite welding works!"

And then there are the people who are so uninterested in me and what I'm up to that it becomes insulting. If they didn't want to talk to me at all, then that's cool. But they always want to talk, they just never like the subjects I pick, and they don't have much to say themselves. So they shut down every conversational road I try to go down, but then tell me I should be more talkative... ?!?! About what? How on Earth am I supposed to know what they want to talk about? Anyway, that kind of bugs me.

 

[Jullianna]

I think a lot of it has to do with being on the same wavelength.

I've only had one relationship where SHE came into my world and took an interest figuring it out.

A lot of women seem to like the idea of me or they like how other people see me. But that doesn't mean they necessary take the time to ask the question of why.

I have a sort of personal motto, that seemingly none of my roommates share. If there is a guest in the house in the evening, I will feed them. At our house, everyone cooks for themselves, except for me, I cook for other people too, roomies, friends, neighbors, whoever. If you are here when it happens, you are free to have some.

One of my roommates has this pothead friend and she comes over all the time. Enough that I've cooked for her a handful of times and I've ordered pizzas for the house a handful of other times when she's been here. Apparently no one is consistently nice to her, because she thought I liked her and that I was being coy, so she asked me out. In a darker chapter of my life I might have said yes, but it made me realize that a little hospitality goes a long way.



When it comes to me, I usually act first and then talk about it later. If I love a woman, my creativity needs to be stifled and my actions require reining in, so that I don't come across as a Psycho. But not everyone is wired to make the message in a bottle in a treasure chest with a treasure map. Not everyone bakes cookies, for no occasion but to say that they care. Not everyone cuts work or plays hookie from school just to surprise the other person.

When I'm working my magic, everyone knows.

Sorry....I just can't resist

[video=youtube;CbH7zNrHQqE]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CbH7zNrHQqE[/video]