Day 1: Don't do drugs kids, stay out of the medicine cabinet

[cyphercat]

So today is my first day off tussin.
WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH MYSELF?
I'm a bit edgy right now.
ED ED ED ED EDGY.
Like, "Hi. My name is Chris Edwards. DID YOU GET THAT. MY NAME IS CHRIS EDWARDS. CAN I SAY IT ANY LOUDER FOR YOU. WHAT ARE YOU DEAF? OH OKAY YOU ARE DEAF. LET ME SPELL IT IN SIGN FOR YOU."
And then I sign it so loudly their eyes start bleeding.

EVERYONE SAY IT TOGETHER: "ALL YOU NEED IS CHRIST"

Yes. Saving souls since 0000BC.

But how do I use Christ and apply Him to my life to replace cough syrup?
I WANT A BOTTLE OF COUGH SYRUP RIGHT NOW.
But I'm not going to buy one.
In a few hours, I'm going to start feeling that pain in my stomach.
I am probably going to lay in my room, in the dark, and weep for a few moments.
BUT I WILL NOT TOUCH THE TUSSIN.

"ALL YOU NEED IS JESUS"
He's right there. But not in body.
I can't have a conversation with him. I CAN, but I can't hear his voice.
I can pretend to think I know what He's going to say.
Is he going to say, "It's going to be all right, Chris", and hug me while I'm desperately trying to shrug off the physical withdrawel from opiates?
Or is he going to say "Get over it Chris. You brought this on yourself."
WWJD?

It doesn't matter because I'm going to be in pain. And I will try as hard as i can to pretend and look like I'm not in pain so no one around me worries, but I will be in pain.

I will try not to be a jerk to anyone.
If I'm going to be a jerk, at least I'm going to be a jerk for Jesus.
"You moron, porn destroys families! What, do you want your daughter to give you your first grandchild at 13 you idiot? Execute a little self control and turn the computer off for a minute or two!"

I'm E E E E E E DGY right now.
Not like, twitching edgy, but "How am I going to make it through the day edgy".
Computer games are fun.
Taking care of my daughter is fun.
Praying is good for my soul.
Reading my bible is comforting.
And the Holy Spirit is in my soul.
But there's a wound in my body and my spirit that craves tussin.
I'm going to be a drug addict for the rest of my life. A recovering drug addict, but free from the chemical.
That hole will be filled by something.
At least it won't be Tussin.
"That hole will be filled by Jesus."
Sure it will, genius. BUT WITH WHAT? You all say, "You need Jesus", but in what form?
Maybe a girlfriend would help.
NOPE. THAT WOULD ONLY MAKE THINGS WORSE?
Or would it?
Maybe after I drag my fat self out the door and go jogging and do some exercise for a year or two I might find out.
But for now, I need you, Savior and Lord. Jesus.

 

[Donkeyfish07]

I had a friend that went through a robotussin phase when he was a teenager but I wasn't aware it could be quite THAT addictive. I'll pray for you buddy. You should try attending an NA meeting. I've heard that really helps.

 

[cyphercat]

I'm craving the cold feeling as it goes down my throat and hits my stomach.
I'm craving the static sensation as my head fills up with black and white fuzz.
I'm craving the uneasiness of my body dealing with the chemicals and the Dextromethorphan as they are metabolized.
I'm craving the euphoric upswing that occurs around 45 minutes after ingestion.
I'm craving The laughs and giggles that accompany the euphoria.
I'm craving the maddening jokes and funny thoughts that come with the mental state brought on by DXM.
I'm craving the feeling of not caring about sex, or girls, or having a girlfriend.
I'm craving the ease of being able to deal with every negative thing that comes with dealing with people on a day to day basis.
I'm craving the escape from boredom that I get while I'm taking care of my daughter and she insists on me joining her for an activity that as an adult I have to work incredibly hard to enjoy in order to show her that I'm interested in what we're doing.
I'm craving the freedom that comes with not being self-conscious, and the ability to chat with girls without fear of rejection.
I'm craving the feeling of euphoria that comes with synchronizing with music.
And a whole host of other things.

But all I need is Jesus. Right now I say it, and remind myself of it. But I will learn what it really means.

 

[cyphercat]

I had a friend that went through a robotussin phase when he was a teenager but I wasn't aware it could be quite THAT addictive. I'll pray for you buddy. You should try attending an NA meeting. I've heard that really helps.

Thank you for your kind words.
I may look into a Christian kind of NA, but NA and AA are too man and world centric.
I want to talk about Jesus and how He can help me and make this better.

 

[cyphercat]

Reasons for this post:
1) it's therapeutic to post this in this forum
2) I'm going to meticulously detail the physical experiences of my body so that if someone comes to you with this affliction, you will never just tell them to 'get over it'
3) I don't want sympathy or solutions, I want you to be with me while I get over it, and I want you to read, and see my words

 

[cyphercat]

Now I'm experiencing a sort of dull blackness in the pit of my stomach. It's brought on after I start thinking of being around people, talking to girls, and having to interact with others. Inside I scream loudly. I am rocking back and forth because that let's me cope with the feeling in my stomache.
I could go buy Tustin and this would all be over. But I might gain some people here as friends if I quit, my daughter will be better off, and I won't have to worry about any uncertainties with my soul.
so now the benefits are worth the pain.

 

[Fenner]

May I ask why you have been choosing the Young Adults forum to post these things in?

 

[cyphercat]

I have to work hard to silence the pain. To enjoy anything I like, I have to sit and focus on the thing I want to enjoy while the pain is crippling me. And it takes about 30 minutes to forget the pain in my stomach. So it takes a lot of work to fill the hole with other things.

One thing that immediately stops the pain is that feeling I get when I talk to a girl I like, and she's nice to me (but this turns into heartache when I learn that the feeling isn't mutual). Or when I talk to a girl that I like when I know she feels the same way. That flushes the pain away like cold water flushing away the darkness in the pit of my stomach. But that's okay. I need Jesus, not a girl to talk to.

 

[cyphercat]

May I ask why you have been choosing the Young Adults forum to post these things in?

because young adults are likely to take drugs. Young adults get along with me and sometimes listen to my words. A young adult might read this post and pray for others. A young adult might decide not to drink Tustin. A young adult might think twice about using drugs.
so there's a definite benefit to the costs involved on having this post in the young adults forum.

 

[Fenner]

I read your response when Donkey Fish said to think about attending N/A meetings. And you said you MAY look into a Christian form of AA or N/A. I'd say that's an excuse. I'm going to tell you what I've told my Brother in law, my Brother, and countless customers who come in trying to bum money for their habit.

Excuses don't work, I don't want these young adults to read that and think hey maybe N/A or AA won't work for me either, when in fact I know from my recovered brother in law and Brother that they do talk about God. Here is the 12 steps for NA.

[HR][/HR]How It Works
The Twelve Steps of Narcotics
Anonymous
1. We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood Him.
4. We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. We humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. We made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. We continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us, and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of those steps, we tried to carry this message to addicts and to practice these principles in all our affairs.


​

 

[Fenner]

I am personally very scared for your child and wished I had a clue where you lived so I could report to the authorities. Frankly what you've been posting for the last couple of days is scary.

I wish you well in your recovery but please don't post your half attempts to get sober. If you were serious you'd get in touch with someone today to get help.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh and awful but I've dealt with addicts for years and I know how you work.

 

[cyphercat]

I am personally very scared for your child and wished I had a clue where you lived so I could report to the authorities. Frankly what you've been posting for the last couple of days is scary.

I wish you well in your recovery but please don't post your half attempts to get sober. If you were serious you'd get in touch with someone today to get help.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh and awful but I've dealt with addicts for years and I know how you work.

Well, it's working.
It's hour 6 and I've already avoided relapsing.
That's something worthwhile.
My posts were instrumental in that.
I donate, my posts have a purpose of helping others.
Why does anyone post on a messageboard at all?
Don't worry about sounding harsh.
I've come to expect the worst for everything I post .

 

[Fenner]

I am concerned for you and your child, but your child especially.

 

[NodMyHeadLikeYeah]

I am personally very scared for your child and wished I had a clue where you lived so I could report to the authorities. Frankly what you've been posting for the last couple of days is scary.

I wish you well in your recovery but please don't post your half attempts to get sober. If you were serious you'd get in touch with someone today to get help.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh and awful but I've dealt with addicts for years and I know how you work.

I have to agree here.

Going through this alone is one thing, going through this with a child that is dependent upon you is quite another.

If i had even a vague idea of where you lived i would do the same as Fenner would. Your not only endangering yourself, but that of your daughter as well.

 

[cyphercat]

And before you call the authorities, and risk putting me and other people through:
1) The experience of having to deal with the authorities for what is associated with being inspected by them
2) The time taken to deal with the authorities
3) The financial costs of having to deal with the authorities in terms of time taken away from other activities, the cost of gas to drive to official facilities, the usage of technology to be in contact with the authorities
4) The possibility of impacting the availability of my daughter in terms of restrictions placed because of actions that could be taken

It would be better to interview people who know me, live with me, and have observed me for the past 7 years I have been with her to find out the long term reality of things. That would require an hour at most, the price of a few long distance phone calls, and a little patience on your part.

I think that would be a better approach.

 

[cyphercat]

I have to agree here.

Going through this alone is one thing, going through this with a child that is dependent upon you is quite another.

If i had even a vague idea of where you lived i would do the same as Fenner would. Your not only endangering yourself, but that of your daughter as well.

Do you endanger anyone around you in any way?

 

[cyphercat]

I am concerned for you and your child, but your child especially.

Why are you concerned with my child?
How many children are you currently concerned with?
Am I the first person you've encountered whose child you are concerned for?
How much time does that concern take up in your mind in terms of worry for my child and thinking about real world scenarios where she might be involved?
What has that gotten you?
Where is my coffee?
Do you like coffee? I like Earl Gray tea.

 

[Fenner]

I'm not calling anyone, I have no doubt you love your child cyphercat, but what I'm saying is instead of doing this today why don't you call someone for help? N/A or some christian help in your area? Like I've said I'm not trying to be cruel to you or your child. My concern is you driving with her when you're under the influence or being high when you take care of her. You've put your name on here, you have your picture up on youtube. If anyone call's it won't be me, but maybe your ex if she see's these posts.

Best wishes, I have nothing else to say. God Bless and you and your child, I hope the best for both of you.

 

[cyphercat]

I have to agree here.

Going through this alone is one thing, going through this with a child that is dependent upon you is quite another.

If i had even a vague idea of where you lived i would do the same as Fenner would. Your not only endangering yourself, but that of your daughter as well.

Are you really concerned for me?
Or do you want to appeal to your sense of justice?
Or do you have something personal against me?
Or do you just not particularly like me?
Is this personal, or are you really concerned about doing good?

 

[cyphercat]

I'm not calling anyone, I have no doubt you love your child cyphercat, but what I'm saying is instead of doing this today why don't you call someone for help? N/A or some christian help in your area? Like I've said I'm not trying to be cruel to you or your child. My concern is you driving with her when you're under the influence or being high when you take care of her. You've put your name on here, you have your picture up on youtube. If anyone call's it won't be me, but maybe your ex if she see's these posts.

Best wishes, I have nothing else to say. God Bless and you and your child, I hope the best for both of you.

Thanks!
I appreciate it.
And to answer your question I call out where I believe the response will help me.
I posted here in a way that benefits others and is a way of calling out.
The response helped me.
I think that settles it.