Waiting Till Marriage, Confess on 1st or 2nd Date...or 3rd?

[kthespis]

As a Christian male virgin in his 30s, waiting till marriage, I run into a little problem dating. I would like my future wife to have values that align with my own, meaning marrying a virgin or possibly a born-again virgin. The first date is supposed to be the get-to-know-you date. Experts recommend to keep things light and frivolous.

My issue is I like to put my cards on the table. "I am a believer and waiting till marriage. What about you?" If she says she is sexually active chances are my interest level drops dramatically. I probably won't ask for a second date. My dilemma is should I wait till the second date to broach the sex question and try to see if we have chemistry? Isn't chemistry all-important? Help me out, family. I feel sometimes I can be too brutally honest too early in the dating game.

 

[biscuit]

As a Christian male virgin in his 30s, waiting till marriage, I run into a little problem dating. I would like my future wife to have values that align with my own, meaning marrying a virgin or possibly a born-again virgin. The first date is supposed to be the get-to-know-you date. Experts recommend to keep things light and frivolous.

My issue is I like to put my cards on the table. "I am a believer and waiting till marriage. What about you?" If she says she is sexually active chances are my interest level drops dramatically. I probably won't ask for a second date. My dilemma is should I wait till the second date to broach the sex question and try to see if we have chemistry? Isn't chemistry all-important? Help me out, family. I feel sometimes I can be too brutally honest too early in the dating game.

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You are setting yourself up as a colossal failure, especially at the age of 30. Try to find a young woman who is a virgin with like qualities. A man who is 30 and a virgin will makes the rounds around town as a horrific joke. It is just the signs of the times we live in. Remember this the 21st century and not Bethlehem.

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

It depends on how you are meeting this woman. If you meet on a dating site, or in church, or even through an friend, chances are she will know you are a Christian. And hopefully she is also a Christian. So that opens up the opportunities to let her know that you believe in waiting.

 

[biscuit]

It depends on how you are meeting this woman. If you meet on a dating site, or in church, or even through an friend, chances are she will know you are a Christian. And hopefully she is also a Christian. So that opens up the opportunities to let her know that you believe in waiting.

He has to be very, very careful with whom he give out such sensitive info because if it falls into the wrong hands, whether it is from the uninterested woman or women and her friends, it could wind up on YouTube as a horrific joke: a male virgin in the 21st century? The social media is no joke when it gets into the sexual exploitation business.

 

[mystdancer50]

Honestly, I am all about courtship, which I believe starts with getting to know the person before you even express interest. Essentially, through conversations the interested party would have with close acquaintances and family of the person, they would learn a great deal before they even went on their first outing. Then, as they would already know each other relatively well, things would progress naturally in the courtship and the time would feel right to state things.

For me, I am all about being up front. I have very radical boundaries when it comes to purity, so I wouldn't even go on a first date with a man that didn't know these boundaries, as I have been called by God to radical purity, and part of that is saving every single touch for marriage. No hand holding, hugging, close contact, kissing, being alone together...etc...until marriage, so it would be very important to me that he knows that from the start. Of course, as I said, I'm radical. I don't expect others to be this way.

Just my thoughts.

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

You might be surprised how many male virgins there are in the kingdom of God, biscuit. The more they talk about it, the less ridiculous it might seem, and the more men might have the strength to try it themselves.

Are we not to be the light of the world? A city on a hill? Christians will probably be mocked in life if they are doing it right.

OP, it wouldn't hurt to wait until you've met her and gotten a feel for where she is in her spiritual life. If she is a Christian, you will likely be able to tell quickly. If she isn't, there is perhaps no need for a second date anyway. Hope this helps.

 

[rachelsedge]

I didn't vote because my option isn't up there, "Other".

A guy I talked with on ChristianMingle asked me pretty much the first day if I was a virgin/waiting for marriage. While I am, the question almost offended me. It seemed very personal and forward for someone I barely knew, and I didn't feel he had the right to ask me.

I know it's important to you. But I think you can gather what someone's values are without directly asking them, and even if you can't, once you get to know them more and are more comfortable with each other, then you can ask "What are your views on marriage?" and the conversation will likely go there by itself. If she isn't wanting to wait, you'll likely find that out in other ways.

 

[biscuit]

You might be surprised how many male virgins there are in the kingdom of God, biscuit. The more they talk about it, the less ridiculous it might seem, and the more men might have the strength to try it themselves.

Are we not to be the light of the world? A city on a hill? Christians will probably be mocked in life if they are doing it right.

OP, it wouldn't hurt to wait until you've met her and gotten a feel for where she is in her spiritual life. If she is a Christian, you will likely be able to tell quickly. If she isn't, there is perhaps no need for a second date anyway. Hope this helps.

Good Post. Please remember: "boys will be boys" and some can be extremely insensitive to a 30 year old male virgin. It is just the nature of the beast. Women are a lot better than men in this dept.

 

[biscuit]

I didn't vote because my option isn't up there, "Other".

A guy I talked with on ChristianMingle asked me pretty much the first day if I was a virgin/waiting for marriage. While I am, the question almost offended me. It seemed very personal and forward for someone I barely knew, and I didn't feel he had the right to ask me.

I know it's important to you. But I think you can gather what someone's values are without directly asking them, and even if you can't, once you get to know them more and are more comfortable with each other, then you can ask "What are your views on marriage?" and the conversation will likely go there by itself. If she isn't wanting to wait, you'll likely find that out in other ways.

Great advice

 

[Fenner]

I didn't vote because my option isn't up there, "Other".

A guy I talked with on ChristianMingle asked me pretty much the first day if I was a virgin/waiting for marriage. While I am, the question almost offended me. It seemed very personal and forward for someone I barely knew, and I didn't feel he had the right to ask me.

I know it's important to you. But I think you can gather what someone's values are without directly asking them, and even if you can't, once you get to know them more and are more comfortable with each other, then you can ask "What are your views on marriage?" and the conversation will likely go there by itself. If she isn't wanting to wait, you'll likely find that out in other ways.

I'm glad you didn't tell him, he didn't have the right to know. That's weird.

 

[kenthomas27]

I don't know if I'd feel comfortable asking anybody about their sexual status - or really giving out the information until I'm a lot "further along" in the relationship. I'm not saying anyone is wrong here, but I really do believe that if you refuse to have any kind of relationship with anyone other than those people sharing your views, then at the very least you're narrowing your field. And quite frankly, in this case, the older you get the narrower your field is going to be.

The tragedy of that is there are men and women who might not be virgin but who were married before and for no fault of their own are single again and available and are unbelievable catches! Some right here on this site. It's tragedy because though someone's beliefs might be "radical" it's what YOU were led to do and not necessarily your mate in life.

This is really the essence of marriage in a way - an acceptance and love of another person who accentuates you, creates a diversity - is more than you - so your marriage is more than you by your self can be. This is what we identify when we hear that another "completes" you. It's you, not necessarily you X 2 or even You squared. It's you and you.


what am I even talking about.....

 

[kthespis]

Thank you for your candor, Rachel. It never struck me that a woman could be offended by the "waiting for marriage" question too soon in dating. I can imagine it feeling very personal coming from someone you barely know. It's tricky because you don't want to waste a lot of time with somebody you feel your values don't align, especially with virginity. Thank you for a fresh perspective.

 

[kthespis]

Thank you, KenThomas27. You've made some very insightful points on relationships and marriage that will stay with me. The issue I have with "further along" is just how much time do you invest with somebody when you are looking to align values. Then again, as you said, there are men and women who might not be a virgin and great catches! This is why I also consider born-again. You say, the field narrows as you get older, which bears truth. However, it seems you imply that one should lower their standards. I'd hate to lower my standards and meet the one I've been waiting for. Thank you again for your deep insight.

 

[just_monicat]

i think it's great you've been so committed and also that you are wanting to be selective.

however, i would also say that if this is someone who you potentially are rather interested in, i wouldn't go bananas trying to pull answers out immediately. there is a huge difference between being on a date with someone who is asking questions and getting to know you, versus a rather purposeful march being strong armed by someone attempting to generate a lengthy decision tree.

i've been on dates like that, i just start shutting down a bit. imagine someone pulling you along with a lead rope and you're just clawing to the sides of every obstacle.

in my experience, if you listen well, by the end of the first date you know what's vitally important to her (and probably could guess accurately her philosophy on the topic) while waiting for an organic moment to broach the subject within the first few dates.

also, as somebody said, don't specifically, flat out ask her if she's a virgin (or anything that sounds like a request for statistical data) . ever. that's the kind of stuff you wait for her to volunteer.

sharing that info is easy when it's a discussion, instead of a cross-examination.

 

[NodMyHeadLikeYeah]

I wouldn't be very happy if on a first date a guy started asking me about sex. That would actually make me really uncomfortable.

 

[kthespis]

Thanks, Monica! I hope I haven't offended any dates in the past, but I probably have. For the record, I've never asked a woman if she's a virgin point blank. I usually use myself as an example of purity and then wait for her to play her hand It's hard as you get older not to beat around the bush. Can't two adults talk respectfully on their relationship with Christ and waiting? I appreciate a woman's perspective however, especially having been grilled on dates, unfortunately.

And your line, "in my experience, if you listen well, by the end of the first date you know what's vitally important to her (and probably could guess accurately her philosophy on the topic) and wait for an organic moment to broach the subject within the first few dates." This is very true. Thanks for the advice!

 

[KittenofMelchisedek]

Ummm so not everyone is saved when they are a pre-teen. I had a similar encounter on christianmingle before cancelling my account. I know the guy said the words, "so are you a virgin?" but I heard "hey, are you perfect?" which leads one to think only perfection will do and that ends the fellowship, if there was any. I hear this sometimes referring to weight. Guys will say, "so do you believe in taking good care of your body?", which is why I gave up on the online dating scene, I'm not a mail order bride. I don't want to feel like a product in a catalog.

I also don't believe that a man and a woman can't be alone together without having something impure happen. If you have feelings for each other you might want a chaperone, but if you are going and doing things together and not just going and doing each other, you should be ok. I'm alone with my physical therapist all the time, and what about gay or bi people, should they just stay home?

The thing is community. If you are in community, you don't want to move if you decide to date someone and then break up. It saves a lot of pain to use the courtship method. If we just stay inside our houses alone, we will be doomed to having awkward exchanges with people we don't know. So get to know others. Invite other people along and make it a group thing instead of a date. Then you can have a group discussion about family life. Now that sounds edifying.

 

[just_monicat]

Thanks, Monica! I hope I haven't offended any dates in the past, but I probably have. For the record, I've never asked a woman if she's a virgin point blank. I usually use myself as an example of purity and then wait for her to play her hand It's hard as you get older not to beat around the bush. Can't two adults talk respectfully on their relationship with Christ and waiting? I appreciate a woman's perspective however, especially having been grilled on dates, unfortunately.

And your line, "in my experience, if you listen well, by the end of the first date you know what's vitally important to her (and probably could guess accurately her philosophy on the topic) and wait for an organic moment to broach the subject within the first few dates." This is very true. Thanks for the advice!

what you're trying to do is noble, and i totally relate with your point. i've actually fantasized of sending out surveys ahead of time so that i could even skip some of the small talk.

"i see here that your favorite color is... blue! cool. blood type? A+, great!..."

anyway, please remember one thing. if you live long enough, you will spend (more than) enough time around guys with thinly veiled intentions about sex (even guys who you aren't trying to be around). sometime it's looks that you receive. it's all around us in this world, frankly. even the media shoves it down our throats.

so whenever the guy says the word "sex" very early in meeting her (even for purely honorable intentions), i think a lot of girls are going to get their back up, and think "ok, this is what he SAYS, but i've heard something like that before", or "hmmm, sneaky". or whatever even though you clearly don't deserve that.

the good news is, in a short about amount of time, your actions (and words) will dispel that initial sense of caution.

but you've wait for the wall to drop on her side.

 

[Desdichado]

You're in your mid-thirties. Show some understanding and forgiveness by caring about it less to begin with.

Non-virgins are not second-class citizens, but people who have fallen for many reasons; some of which are almost innocent and beautiful, but marred by sin in multiple ways.

The timing? There is never an optimal time to broach the topic of sex. Exercise discretion appropriate to the situation and person at hand.

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

Just to clarify how I understood the OP... it sounded not like he was demanding a virgin, but rather that he wanted someone who was not sexually active. There's a big difference. It's perfectly realistic and reasonable to want to date someone who doesn't have casual sex - who is waiting for marriage, regardless of whether they are a virgin or not.