Stay Classy My Friends

[Jullianna]

I went to a basketball game this evening and the people behind me were so annoying, bashing their former significant others.

Tacky, tacky, tacky

Sometimes bad things happen. I get that. But when I hear someone slamming an ex around like that, I doubt very seriously that the downfall of the relationship was one sided. It also causes me to question their judgment in choosing to be with someone so horrible. If a person is that much of a jerk, seems like a red flag or two mighta popped up a time or two, you know?

We've all been in relationships that didn't work out for one reason or another. Leave them in the past and move on to better things. Don't let them drag you and the words that come out of your mouth into the gutter. When you badmouth or gossip about an ex, it says more about you than it does about them. Just...don't.

/end rant

 

[Misty77]

I don't know exactly what you heard tonight, so I can't really comment on the specifics.

From everything that I have read from you, it seems like you were blessed with a good marriage to a good man. But those of us who lived through hellish relationships get to vent or "bash" the people who hurt us. I'm sure I've had conversations with a few key confidants that would cause you to have a similar reaction had you been sitting at the next table.

Sometimes red flags are missed due to innocence, naivete, desperation, or foolish optimism. Maybe give us the benefit of the doubt.

 

[wisebeardman]

someone screws me over. you bet I will have no problem telling people about it.

 

[NodMyHeadLikeYeah]

I don't know exactly what you heard tonight, so I can't really comment on the specifics.

From everything that I have read from you, it seems like you were blessed with a good marriage to a good man. But those of us who lived through hellish relationships get to vent or "bash" the people who hurt us. I'm sure I've had conversations with a few key confidants that would cause you to have a similar reaction had you been sitting at the next table.

Sometimes red flags are missed due to innocence, naivete, desperation, or foolish optimism. Maybe give us the benefit of the doubt.

No. We don't "get" to. It's a complete lack of self control on that hole in your face that leads to "bashing" someone.

 

[MissCris]

There's a huge difference between telling someone about the hows and whys your relationship fell apart (or was never good to begin with), and sitting around bashing on your ex.

We're all human- sometimes, out of hurt or anger, we say things we shouldn't about the people who wounded us.
But talking about that pain among friends doesn't have to be a man (or woman) hating session, either.

Those of us who have been through really bad relationships would do well to remember that putting the other person down really only keeps us from moving forward like we should.

 

[Misty77]

No. We don't "get" to. It's a complete lack of self control on that hole in your face that leads to "bashing" someone.

If you think that a person can live through hell for half their life and just forget it overnight, then you are truly ignorant. You HAVE to talk about these things in order to process them. Again, I can't speak to the specifics of the situation that Jullianna overheard at the game. But had I not already seen that she is generally a caring person, I would have been offended by the insinuation that people who have been in relationships with bad people are also at fault. This is a mindset that I run into frequently, especially in conservative Christian circles. It's easy to make assumptions when you haven't lived through it.

Of course, the other spectators could have just been jerks. Just be careful with the assumptions.

 

[Misty77]

There's a huge difference between telling someone about the hows and whys your relationship fell apart (or was never good to begin with), and sitting around bashing on your ex.

We're all human- sometimes, out of hurt or anger, we say things we shouldn't about the people who wounded us.
But talking about that pain among friends doesn't have to be a man (or woman) hating session, either.

Those of us who have been through really bad relationships would do well to remember that putting the other person down really only keeps us from moving forward like we should.

Sometimes the truth is so ugly that outsiders can't tell the difference between bashing and explaining.

 

[rachelsedge]

Sometimes the truth is so ugly that outsiders can't tell the difference between bashing and explaining.

This is true. I've never had a romantic relationship like that, but I did have a rather toxic friendship, mostly on her part, and when I tried to explain to other people what happened after it fell apart, I found myself saying beforehand, "I don't really know how to say this without me sounding like I'm bashing her..." But it was just the truth.

 

[NodMyHeadLikeYeah]

If you think that a person can live through hell for half their life and just forget it overnight, then you are truly ignorant. You HAVE to talk about these things in order to process them. Again, I can't speak to the specifics of the situation that Jullianna overheard at the game. But had I not already seen that she is generally a caring person, I would have been offended by the insinuation that people who have been in relationships with bad people are also at fault. This is a mindset that I run into frequently, especially in conservative Christian circles. It's easy to make assumptions when you haven't lived through it.

Of course, the other spectators could have just been jerks. Just be careful with the assumptions.

Believe me, people live through hell all the time and not go around shooting their mouth off. Processing is one thing. Getting to bash is another.

 

[iTOREtheSKY]

This sort of reminds me of where I've seen people who grow up poor,in the ghetto...surrounded by drugs & crime & come from a broken home...they've had terrible jobs or been homeless..scraped by...had ever terrible abuse come on them,and then they somehow pull themselves out of all that mess,either by their own determination or via their faith in God...
These people could easily play the "victim" card,but they don't give into that...they rise above it.

On the other hand ,there are those who blame everyone else for their situations in life,and some blame God...they wallow in their anger & sorrow.

I think it's perfectly normal to be hurt or angry if you have come out of a bad relationship. Obviously you need to release those feelings to God,and if you have a close friend or a pastor...certainly don't keep it in & let it fester...but to be ruled by past relationships or a marriage that failed or ended in pain due to abuse or whatever,just can't be a good thing to carry around.

Everyone heals at different speeds,and deals with thing's in different ways.

I,personally would find exhausting if I were always bashing my ex or carrying those hurts still.
Life isn't fair. People hurt one another. Bad thing's happen. We just have to press on & let God heal us.
If we don't then we'll just go on & on being victimized & harboring anger & pain that we don't have any business hanging onto.

Then again...I ramble a lot,so yeah.

 

[rachelsedge]

To heal, though, sometimes we need to talk about it. Maybe not at a public sports game, or over family dinner, but I think it's possible for someone to talk without bashing. There's a lot of power in talking, both bad... And good.

 

[Misty77]

Believe me, people live through hell all the time and not go around shooting their mouth off. Processing is one thing. Getting to bash is another.

There's a reason why I put the word "bash" in quotation marks. That is a word whose definition is based on one's perception. What is actually my friend and I sharing each other's burdens could easily be interpreted as bashing by those who happen to overhear our conversation.

Here's an example: When preparing for trial, I told my attorney about my my ex and what our relationship was like. He kinda nodded and listened, probably because we were racking up billable hours. Then after every interaction with X, he would come back and say, "You're ex is a jerk," "You're ex is really difficult," or "You're ex is really a [donkey]!" Yeah, that's what I have been saying all along. When I speak the truth about my evil exhusband, people think I am bashing or exaggerating. In truth, I'm usually greatly understating it. And it's not like I can just leave this all behind because we still have to interact, and he is still causing causing difficulties for me and damage to our son.

My only point is that you never really know what is going on with other people so try extending grace before condemnation. Lot's of people feel really justified in judging me and and how I'm handling the my pain. And it really, really hurts.

 

[CatHerder]

There's a difference between sharing with a confidant and airing the dirty laundry of the relationship out in public, whether it be a basketball game, Wal-Mart, the book of faces, or CC.

I've NEVER said anything bad about my ex on facebook. I see too much of that going on, and I don't want to be a part of it.

I've mentioned a few things here on CC. It was not venting or gossiping. It was telling my story. Red flags I ignored when I got married, bad treatment, verbal abuse, and codependent behaviors that don't really cast me in any better light than my ex. This was part of the healing process for me. My personality is one that I am too willing to accept responsibility and blame for things; writing things down really helped me to realistically see what her issues were, what mine were, and what were both of ours. I'm probably the opposite of most people in that I don't see my side of the story first. I'm a recovering "people pleaser" who needs to sit back sometimes and make myself see that I have a side to the story too...and it's just as relevant.

Anyway - - I don't think this is what Julianna is talking about in the OP. I think she is talking about bashing that serves no real purpose than to vent. It's destructive. Many times, emotions get out of control when one enjoys this "luxury," and kids are within earshot when you think they are not. It tears others down to make one look better. It causes one to have a victim mentality, self-indentifying as "the wronged one" in order to feel self-righteous or to gain the sympathy of one's audience. Basically, it's....well....low class.

 

[iTOREtheSKY]

FYI Misty...(not that you accused me of this,but) I hope you don't think I am judging you,'cause that wasn't the motive behind my post. Just so you know.

I know you had a rough mess & still are dealing with a lot. I do pray for you & yer' son btw.

 

[Donkeyfish07]

+1 Jules, completely with you on that. Only gray area there is if someone asks why your last relationship went down the pooper and the answer sounds bad. I was asked once when talking about how great a time I had with an ex (by a friend), and he was like well why did you guys split up? The honest answer was "Because she was a control freak, and would flip out every time I wouldn't do what she wanted me too.....which was pretty much all the time". That sounds like bashing, but that's exactly why it ended. lol. I still love her to this day though, regardless of all that. It just wasn't healthy for either of us.

To be fair, not only is that true about her.....but I'm very stubborn and I don't believe in compromise, no matter how small the issue. A bad combination there obviously, lol.

 

[Shouryu]

"Not that I...am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead." - Philippians 3

"Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy - meditate on these things." - Philippians 4

"See that no one renders evil for evil to anyone, but always pursue what is good both for yourselves and for all. Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus in you." - 1 Thessalonians 5

"Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse...Repay no one evil for evil. Have regard for good things in the sight of all men. Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, 'Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,' says the Lord [Deut 32:35]. Therefore 'If your enemy is hungry, feed him; If he is thirsty, give him a drink; For in doing so you will heap coals of fire on his head.' [Prov. 25:21-22] Do not overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." - Romans 12

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble...For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also abounds through Christ." - 2 Corinthians 1

"Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamour, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you." - Ephesians 4

"So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God." - James 1

"But no man can tame the tongue. It is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our God and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in the similitude of God. Out of the same mouth proceed blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not be so. Does a spring send forth fresh water and bitter from the same opening?" - James 3

"He who guards his mouth preserves his life, but he who opens wide his lips shall have destruction." - Proverbs 13

"Do not say, 'I will recompense evil;' wait for the Lord, and He will save you." - Proverbs 20

"A fool vents all his feelings, but a wise man holds them back." - Proverbs 29

"But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those that hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you...For if you love those who love you, what reward have you? Do not even the tax collectors do the same?" - Matthew 6

"Either make the tree good and its fruit good, or else make the tree bad and its fruit bad; for a tree is known by its fruit...For out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks...But I say to you that for every idle word men may speak, they will give account of it in the day of judgment. For by your words you will be justified, and by your words, you will be condemned." - Matthew 12

 

[Jullianna]

I don't know exactly what you heard tonight, so I can't really comment on the specifics.

From everything that I have read from you, it seems like you were blessed with a good marriage to a good man. But those of us who lived through hellish relationships get to vent or "bash" the people who hurt us. I'm sure I've had conversations with a few key confidants that would cause you to have a similar reaction had you been sitting at the next table.

Sometimes red flags are missed due to innocence, naivete, desperation, or foolish optimism. Maybe give us the benefit of the doubt.

I was blessed with a good marriage, but I've had some bad relationships since. I just don't bash them publicly.

 

[MissCris]

Sometimes the truth is so ugly that outsiders can't tell the difference between bashing and explaining.

I understand that, I really do. And I'm sorry that you had to go through something so horrible. I don't know particulars or specifics about your situation, but in any case, I'm absolutely not trying to say you shouldn't talk about it- that's how we heal.

All I'm saying is that the words we use when we do talk about our pain caused by someone else should be chosen with care. Maybe the other person doesn't deserve that kind of consideration...but the words we allow to come out of our mouths show others what is in our hearts, and they say far more about us than they do the person we're talking about.

Also, if outsiders can't tell the difference between bashing and explaining, it's probably best not to discuss it within ear-shot of any outsiders?

I'm sorry if it seems like I'm judging or picking on you...I'm really, really not. I just can see how bad you're hurting in a lot of your posts, and I think maybe you need...more support...in directing your pain in a healthier direction, is all.

 

[Misty77]

I was blessed with a good marriage, but I've had some bad relationships since. I just don't bash them publicly.

Then congratulations on being a better person than I am. I'm sorry to have mucked up your thread.

 

[Jullianna]

If you think that a person can live through hell for half their life and just forget it overnight, then you are truly ignorant. You HAVE to talk about these things in order to process them. Again, I can't speak to the specifics of the situation that Jullianna overheard at the game. But had I not already seen that she is generally a caring person, I would have been offended by the insinuation that people who have been in relationships with bad people are also at fault. This is a mindset that I run into frequently, especially in conservative Christian circles. It's easy to make assumptions when you haven't lived through it.

Of course, the other spectators could have just been jerks. Just be careful with the assumptions.

Some people also make assumptions about what has or has not occurred in the life of another person simply because that person chooses to keep such things to themselves. We should ALL be careful with assumptions.