I gave my life to the Lord 20 months ago. Prior to that, I had 'friends' in the metal scene, 'gamer' friends, drinking friends, work friends, University friends and basically 'friends' for every need. So I thought. Then I came to the Lord and I realised that I wanted more than the life I was living. The kind of things I was doing with these people seemed fruitless and warred against the new desires emerging from inside. But I was still operating in old behaviours out of habit, and stumbled hard for the first six months after my conversion. I found it hard to say 'no' to so many things I did with the people I was around, and it impacted my walk.
Finally, I just let go of all those people, set my heart on the Lord, and got connected to a church of 15 people. The only thing is, it was the wrong church full of religious people. They exalted themselves as some church that offered the only way, all other churches were evil, the world was evil, everyone else was evil. For awhile there, I was starting to get pretty scared of everyone else. It took awhile, but I recently left that church. I only left it several weeks ago without saying a word.
Thankfully I have one friend from another church I had previously visited awhile ago. Apart from her, my parents (although church going Christians) poke fun at me and mock my walk and new life style, my brother has started a new life and has distanced himself from the family, and when I do see him, he always has a pained expression and feels the need to defend his life style he has chosen (Even when I say nothing at all).
So when I see the word 'alone', man, I can feel it. I'm looking at my situation, and having a Peter on the water moment, I look at my feet and I start sinking. This sucks.
But. Buuuut....
This is the make or break moment. My baggage and insecurities are surfacing, my deepest fears are rising to my eyeballs, its right in front of me like size 200 font arial black in bold: "I don't have control." My defense mechanisms and human abilities are not going to save me now. I'm scared of reaching out and receiving what Jesus is giving me because I'm scared of not being my own. I've prayed 'God, I am completely yours' so many times, but do I really live my life like I am His? No. I'm still trying to save myself. Or I want someone else to save me because I've realised I fail at it.
Meanwhile, a line from Hosea has been plaguing me. “Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and l bring her into the wilderness, And speak comfort to her," Hosea 2:14. Another translation for 'wilderness' is 'desert' and notice how both of them imply a lack of life forms? It feels like a relational desert. I have no other choice but to trust God, I have no other choice but to take His hand and allow Him to do I mighty work in my heart. I can't run anymore.
He wants me to be completely His because He loves me and He knows what's best for me. He knows I can be easily distracted and that I want other people's opinions on my walk and progress to make sure someone is approving what I am doing. (To a degree, yes, this can be helpful, I guess) But all that matters is what He thinks and what He says I am. I can't look to the left, or to the right, I have to keep my eyes on Him.
This 'alone' is scary. This is completely out of my comfort zone, but this is an opportunity of a life time. It is an opportunity to go deeper with the God I most love, to gain a deeper understanding of His love for me, His joy and delight in me. There is a hole in this heart I am trying to put barriers around, and all He wants to do is fill that emptiness with Himself. There is a frightening silence washing over me, there is no life form breaking the flatness over the horizon, but maybe this is where I need to be so I can hear the words that are coming over me softly.
I've recently been connected to a new church, but being so new, all relationships are still surface level. So know, you're not alone in feeling alone. (I know, I talk about myself so much)