Is my marriage over ?

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dandilion

Guest
#1
#1
I need advice from those who have been married . Some of my single friends are telling me to leave my husband because he hit me . He had a temper tantrum two weeks ago because he didn't want to go to the grocery store . He yelled at me and called me names and he hit me in the arm one time .
He has been getting steadily worse over the past seven years we have been together . Mostly verbal abuse at first . Lots of angry unprovoked outbursts. Perhaps I should have left the first time he yelled at me but I loved him so much I stayed .

I have prayed for God to heal him over the past couple of weeks. He did go get a prescription for his medication and began taking it again . It didn't help much when he was on it before but it did help a little . I have had friends pray with me for God to heal him .
I'm not sure if I should leave for good or just live in separate houses for awhile . I deserve a better partner than this ! Has anyone been in this situation before ? I would love to hear from anyone out there .
 
DavidLOVESsnow

DavidLOVESsnow

Senior Member
#2
Mar 4, 2014
411
4
0
#2
dandilion said:
I need advice from those who have been married . Some of my single friends are telling me to leave my husband because he hit me . He had a temper tantrum two weeks ago because he didn't want to go to the grocery store . He yelled at me and called me names and he hit me in the arm one time .
He has been getting steadily worse over the past seven years we have been together . Mostly verbal abuse at first . Lots of angry unprovoked outbursts. Perhaps I should have left the first time he yelled at me but I loved him so much I stayed .

I have prayed for God to heal him over the past couple of weeks. He did go get a prescription for his medication and began taking it again . It didn't help much when he was on it before but it did help a little . I have had friends pray with me for God to heal him .
I'm not sure if I should leave for good or just live in separate houses for awhile . I deserve a better partner than this ! Has anyone been in this situation before ? I would love to hear from anyone out there .
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Well, I can give you only my personal experiences.

First off, with my fiance. I've been with her a short time compared to you, but she used to get violent. Not intentionally, but it just progressed. Basically, I never acknowledged it as a problem, and therefore she didn't understand that it bothered me. It got worse because I never acknowledge the problem. My first point being, have you ever confronted him about this?

Secondly, my situation with my Dad. My Dad used to get so frustrated with me, he couldn't think. He didn't know logically what to do, so he just resorted to violence. My second point is, is he stressed out only because of the grocery store or such a minor thing, or is it because of a bigger problem? When someone's emotions are running really fast, it's really hard to control themselves. Even I, who try my best to be passive, when my cats are just never listening to me, no matter how many times I take the one off the other [we can't afford kittens] they keep doing it RIGHT in front of me. Sometimes it stresses me out, and I smack them instead but I accidently use too much power. I then feel bad and try to make them feel good. What I'm saying is, even the best of us have emotional outbursts.

So my point is, are you sure it's 100% unprovoked? I don't think people act like that for no reason. Stress from work or at home, financial problems, etc. can cause people to get really... wound up and ready to explode. Are you sure it's 100% unprovoked?

If it is 100% unprovoked, and you are sure it's nothing you, or any external causation, then it's up to you what you do. I'm not going to tell you what to do, it's your life not mine. I am just telling you from my experiences what I know about people.
 
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dandilion

Guest
#3
#3
Thanks for your reply DavidLOVESsnow ,
I really appreciate your input . Many good points to consider . Yes I have confronted him about his verbal abuse in the past . I still remember the first time he exploded over a simple matter - I think he didn't want to turn off his video game when I asked him to . I was so shocked by his violent outburst to what I thought was a pretty simple request . I remember crying and being in complete shock and having him come over and apologize to me telling me he would never yell at me again and that I didn't deserve that .
I don't remember any of his outbursts being provoked by anything other than a simple question or request . Everyday matters really. I know some people are quicker to anger than other people but I have never seen anything like this . When we are out having a good time with friends or family he will be just fine and then in the car on the way home he will start yelling at me or calling me a selfish "b" or other names.
 
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TaylorTG

Guest
#4
#4
@Dandilion

Good day mam.

Does he have any disorders or other medical problems? Maybe the tone of your voice ticks him off? (nagging tone?)
 
DavidLOVESsnow

DavidLOVESsnow

Senior Member
#5
Mar 4, 2014
411
4
0
#5
dandilion said:
Thanks for your reply DavidLOVESsnow ,
I really appreciate your input . Many good points to consider . Yes I have confronted him about his verbal abuse in the past . I still remember the first time he exploded over a simple matter - I think he didn't want to turn off his video game when I asked him to . I was so shocked by his violent outburst to what I thought was a pretty simple request . I remember crying and being in complete shock and having him come over and apologize to me telling me he would never yell at me again and that I didn't deserve that .
I don't remember any of his outbursts being provoked by anything other than a simple question or request . Everyday matters really. I know some people are quicker to anger than other people but I have never seen anything like this . When we are out having a good time with friends or family he will be just fine and then in the car on the way home he will start yelling at me or calling me a selfish "b" or other names.
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Interesting. I can't tell you what to do though, because then it's my fault if something goes wrong. I have opinions on this issue, but I can't say them at this point. I don't want to be responsible if anything goes wrong.

However, I would try to honestly talk to him about this... when he's in a good mood :D. You're his wife, you know how to make him happy. But thats really all the advice I can give without over-stepping my boundaries.

Basically, I'm no professional. I've barely lived marriage life myself, I am defintely under-qualified to help you. However, I would keep praying and asking God. God knows what is truely the source of his problem. Nobody on here, nor yourself it appears can figure it out 100%. So just ask God, or ask him, but don't try to cause a conflict :/.

On a last note because I need to study for my finals and I don't have much time, so I'm going to say this and leave for a bit [I'll check back later, hopefully some of the older people on CC will help you], have you two been having intimate time at all? In my honest opinion, intimate time is the foundation to a successful relationship. People may disagree with me, but I honestly think it is what makes you look at someone as more than just a "roomate". It doesn't have to be intercourse, but you know what I'm saying.

I'll send a prayer your way, but I don't really know 100% what to tell you. I apologize for my lack of qualifications to help you, and I honestly hope someone else chimes in and helps you out :D.

- David
 
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dandilion

Guest
#6
#6
Thanks David ,
Good question . No we are not being intimate very often. Not at all so far this year and only 6 times in 2013 . He doesn't want to . He is able , but never in the mood . He gets very angry if I try to talk about that subject and I avoid the topic . He says he has never been much for intimacy. At this point I really do feel like roommates. It's like a peanut butter sandwich without the peanut butter ! When I asked him to go to the grocery store it was in a normal tone of voice , and it was
because I was sick and could not go myself .
 
R

rainin

Guest
#7
#7
When my marriage was over I knew it. Only you can know such a thing. It was like something in my heart just knew. It didn't happen over night or even over a few months....it was 20 years in the process. The last 7 were the worst.....then one day it was just over. Just done.
 
Godslonelyhero

Godslonelyhero

Member
#8
Nov 24, 2013
40
0
0
#8
Hello, I agree with the above post, as you may know marriages have many layers on many levels with no magic one size fits all answer..If you truly love this man and he loves you, explore every option available to you to keep your relationship alive. Having been married once and divorced, after 8 years, severing ties is no picnic..believe me, however no one should be abused..please explore every avenue with your husband, your relationship could even become stronger for it in the end.
 
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jjtj22

Guest
#9
#9
Hi dandelion,

I am so sorry for your pain! Sending you hugs! I don't know your full situation but I do know of an excellent marriage resource Peacefulwife's Blog | The joy of God's design for wives and marriage. This site is full of godly advice on being a wife and I have found alot of freedom and inspiration from April's blog.

Lord, I ask for peace and restoration in this sister's heart and for a healthy unified marriage. Help us both to keep our eyes on you Jesus at all times. Amen
 
TheAristocat

TheAristocat

Senior Member
#10
Oct 4, 2011
2,150
26
0
#10
dandilion said:
I need advice from those who have been married . Some of my single friends are telling me to leave my husband because he hit me . He had a temper tantrum two weeks ago because he didn't want to go to the grocery store . He yelled at me and called me names and he hit me in the arm one time .
He has been getting steadily worse over the past seven years we have been together . Mostly verbal abuse at first . Lots of angry unprovoked outbursts. Perhaps I should have left the first time he yelled at me but I loved him so much I stayed .

I have prayed for God to heal him over the past couple of weeks. He did go get a prescription for his medication and began taking it again . It didn't help much when he was on it before but it did help a little . I have had friends pray with me for God to heal him .
I'm not sure if I should leave for good or just live in separate houses for awhile . I deserve a better partner than this ! Has anyone been in this situation before ? I would love to hear from anyone out there .
Click to expand...
My grandparents have beaten each other up quite literally. Found my grandfather and grandmother wrestling on the floor of the house one day. But my grandmother's pretty feisty and she can hold her own. They've probably been together for 50 or so years now. So... meh. It's marriage. They get over their fights though - verbal or physical. And I've seen them be very affectionate toward each other since.

No matter how much you get angry at each other the thing that matters is repentance and a heart of flesh rather than a heart of stone.
 
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notuptome

notuptome

Senior Member
#11
May 17, 2013
15,050
2,538
113
#11
Never discount physical abuse. If it is not addressed it will get worse. It will not correct itself. Professional counseling or separation. Getting back in fellowship with the Lord is essential.

A man who hits his wife disrespects himself, his wife and most of all the Lord.

For the cause of Christ
Roger
 
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dandilion

Guest
#12
#12
Thanks everyone for the advice and support . Last night was really difficult and I was up all night . I have a plan now and as always I am praying for my husband :) .
 
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BeanieD

Guest
#13
#13
Hi Dandilion, I was in a similar situation for 10 years. When the time was right I got hwlp from a really unexpected source. My husbans girlfriend, she provided the means to move out and gave me a job, and a place to live with one of her other employees. God totally works in strange ways. Trust God with everything and He will lead you.

I pray many blessings for you hon
 
ladybugg

ladybugg

Junior Member
#14
Mar 31, 2014
24
0
0
#14
Hi just want to say we teach people how to treat us. A very hard lesson i had to learn. I was in an abusive marriage for 18 years before i left. My girls had to watch while their dad beat me up. But i have learned the hard way and No man or woman has the right to resort to violence is is soul destroying. So if u find ur self making excuses why he did it then maybe u should let him know u wont stand for it. It is just Not acceptable. You are worth more than being his punching bag take care.
 
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dandilion

Guest
#15
#15
Thanks Beanie :D God really does work in mysterious ways that we don't understand . My prayers have already been answered in so many ways that I never could have predicted .

My best friends car suddenly died and she was forced to buy a new one , and now she needs a roommate to help pay the bills . We are going to share a place to live while my husband works on his issues . Thank God for prayers answered !
 
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dandilion

Guest
#16
#16
Thanks ladybug , I AM worth it ! I am done with the violence and abusive name calling and hitting . I have a plan now and I am secure . I feel so much better now ! :eek: I still need to ask him to move out and that will be tough , but I am done .
 
V

VetMom

Guest
#17
#17
Marriage is about respect from both parties towards both parties. If that is not occuring, you should seek help. Counseling together has helped me and my husband. We have been married 15 years and there have been many ups and downs, but never any physical abuse. That is totally crossing the line. Good luck to you.
 
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zaoman32

Guest
#18
#18
Glad to hear you have a plan together, I know it's tough, just keep your mind on God
 
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savedandIknowit

Senior Member
#19
Sep 26, 2013
138
0
16
#19
Im so sorry it has come to this, no-one should be treated this way, is your husband born-again. He is ment to love you as Christ loved the church, Before God he is responsible for you. You know his upbringing, what his life has been, has the Lord been able to use you to stand in the gap for him for his healing from these things he is angry on the inside about, is there a pastor that can spend abit of time to talk to him, man to man. Are you looking for a way for the Lord to get the Glory in your marraige. Be strong in the Lord and seek His face.
 
maxwel

maxwel

Senior Member
#20
Apr 18, 2013
9,735
2,787
113
#20
I would recommend a chat with your pastor.

If you're going to stay, you''ll be needing more help than we can offer here.
If you're going to leave, you'll be needing more help than we can offer here.
 
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