I
I don't know why I am referencing a song from The Sound Of Music as the title of this thread,other than the simple fact that it's an annoying song,and that like Maria,I feel I am not an asset to the CC community at large.
I should start by saying that more than likely this will be a long post. So if you don't like to read and/or simply don't care about what I have to share,then this is not the post for you.
Where to begin?
I'm not sure,but I suppose I could start out with this much...just in case those of you who read this don't make it through the story/explanation portion.
I want to ask everyone in general,but also a handful of specific members for forgiveness. (I won't name names,out of respect for their privacy,and as not to draw unwanted attention to them...they know who they are)
I know we all deal with sin,but some of us deal with it in ways that are beyond foolish,and basically know what they are doing is wrong,but try & justify it with whatever crap they make up in their heads.
I have been doing that for a while now. I have chosen to pursue a relationship that I had/have no business getting involved in. I have come up with a thousand scenarios in my mind of why it was ok to do it,and I had pretty much convinced myself of my own diluted lies.
I ask forgiveness to those whom I have cause to stumble in their hearts & minds through my selfishness & pride.
I'm not trying to assume that "I am all that" and everything I do here affects my CC brother & sisters...I know you all have lives that are far removed from the things that go on here,but I am aware of a few people that I have certainly upset,offended,hurt,or caused annoyance to.
Some of them I wasn't even aware of until they told me,and some just have stopped speaking to me all together,thus me sort of getting the "hint".
I need to ask God to forgive me most of all. (which I have been doing off & on for about 5 months now) There's a huge difference between asking for forgiveness,and actual repentance. I have certainly not been turning away from this sin,because I have held it close to my heart with vain justification. Period.
With all that said...
I contemplated how I would,or if I should even post this. How would it be received,or would it really even matter? Have I done too much damage,is there any going back?
I was also extremely angry at one point this week. Wanting to make a post about people gossiping,assuming thing's about which they don't know,projecting their own insecurities onto me & using me as some sort of scapegoat. Feeling like certain people are hypocrites by judging me for what I've done,when they have or are doing much the same as me.
Then I realized how insane it would be for me to lash out at anyone at all considering the gross amount of sin I was/am in!!!!! Even if I weren't...how Christ-like is that of me?? Glass houses..plank in the eye...pot calling the kettle black & all. How dare I?
I rarely even post in threads anymore about anything that has any real value because deep down I feel like such a hypocrite myself...how can I "advise" or "counsel" someone in something or "preach" at them,when my own life is in ruins & my heart is living a lie?
The past year...
During my stay in CC it has been both amazing & bittersweet.
I never came to this place in hopes or with the desire of meeting a woman & having some sort of wonderful love connection. As a matter of fact,it was quite the opposite. After my ex-wife divorced me without any real explanation & dissolved our 9 yrs together in a matter of moments...the last thing on my mind was ever finding another "love" or going down the road of marriage ever again. I was absolutely fine with that. Although,I came off to a few here in CC as a man who was anti-marriage & now a bit jaded. I explained to many that this was not the case at all...I just felt as though I wasn't cut out for it...God gave me my shot,and I obviously blew it. (opting to marry a non-believer instead of waiting for God to bless me with a Christian) But those people who still longed to have a spouse..More Power To Ya'! was my motto...just leave me out. lol
Within my 1st year on CC I met another member,we became friends,and used to joke around a bit in the forum..and flirt. One thing led to another & we actually started talking more & more in PM's,and on the phone. She was completely opposite of any woman who'd I'd ever be interested in for various reasons (too many to list) but something about her was sort of endearing,and her sarcasm & humor were a plus. Oh,yeah..and she was a Christian!
She said some pretty amazing things to me...which made me feel pretty special. No woman,let alone a Christian woman had ever said such wonderful things about me or professed to see things in me in such a way. I kinda fell for it hook,line & sinker. Even knowing how much we didn't see eye to eye on a great many important things,as well as some very twisted secretive stuff that I didn't completely figure out at the time,but then it was all revealed.
Long story short...
This girl & I never "dated" officially,and we never met in person. The whole crazy thing lasted all of 2 months if you include the time of first meeting her here in the forums. Turned out that the only reason she was showing any interest in me at all was because she was jealous over another male member in CC who she had been close to & involved with for quite some time,and he was now pursuing "other" lady friends,but still would talk to her...but now he wasn't so interested in her life,or their relationship,but more interested in talking 24/7 to her about his new love interest.
In this time,I decided to take a 2 month-ish hiatus from CC.
Now the fun begins...
While I was hashing out the craziness of this odd relationship I was involved in,one of the thing's this girl hated about me was that I had certain friends in CC that were married. I understood her concerns from a biblical standpoint,but I also knew that her reasons for being upset stemmed from jealousy,not because she was concerned about my spiritual well being,that much was clear.
For a brief moment in time I really prayed about it & thought maybe it wasn't right,that if it caused other's to stumble or question,then I should remove it from my life. I did. Then I regretted it.
During my time away from CC I realized that someone I'd been friends with since practically joining the forums I seriously missed. I mean like...really really missed speaking to them...sharing daily life junk...stories...jokes...God stuff. It just so happened that it was a woman & she was married. I prayed and asked God,what was wrong with me? Why was I thinking about this person so much & why did I feel like a part of my life was missing,now that I wasn't getting to see them in CC daily???? Was I to pray for them? Are they ok??? Why are they on my heart so much? I realized that I was in love with them. Yup. In love with a happily married woman.
I felt like crap about myself. Why? How?
*side note...at this point there was never ever EVER one single time that during my friendship with this woman that she or I ever flirted,joked about things of a sexual nature,talked about anything that would be looked at as inappropriate in any way,shape,or form!*
So,I tried to just forget all of what I was coming to terms with & just gave it to God. I just thought maybe I was going insane.
Out of a combination of sheer insomnia & feeling like I left CC in a really odd way,I came back!
(looking back now,realizing this would be the most unfortunate thing for many)
Within the first week on coming back,I had a few PM's from old friends asking how I was,nice to see you back,etc...
One Pm was a bit surprising to me,as in it some thing's were admitted to me about how I was a bit of a thorn in their side by my presence in the forums,yet they realized it was more than likely due to their own insecurities. They were doing well & interested in a new member on CC,and life was grand! That was the last time him or I talked like normal people with one another.
Getting back acquainted with my peeps from CC...the woman I had realized I was in love with & I started talking again. Excited to see one another again & pretty much picking up again right were we left off...as awesome friends!
Until...
We'd been talking & she mentioned how she was finally leaving her husband. I was shocked & yet not all at once. Of course I asked all the typical questions..Why? Are you sure? Can't you work it out..tried counseling?...etc
After hearing the extent of her situation,I told her that of course I would pray for her/them..the whole situation.
It should have ended there.
The next day,I think,was where I overstepped the line of right & wrong. Because I am such an arrogant,pride-filled beast who thinks being "honest & open" with other's is soooooo "admirable & righteous",I decided to tell this woman..my friend,that I was in love with her. That the few months w/out her in my life were so very sad,and how I realized that I felt more for her than I'd ever imagined. That no one in my life was so easy to talk to & share with...no uneasiness,just like some sort of perfect thing that had always been a part of me that I was just now realizing was there.
I justified much of this based on the idea that "Well,she's leaving her spouse,and I don't want to hide this fact that I have feelings for her,I am just being honest with her."
I never expected her to have any feeling's towards me. Never expected anything but her to say..."Dude yer' crazy,grow up!" She was a bit surprised,for sure,but told me that it didn't freak her out..needed some time to think about all this.
Understandable.
Turns out she did "have" feelings for me.."love"???? meh. Doesn't matter now really...but apparently I wasn't the first man in CC to confess his "interest" in her,since she announced her plans to divorce her husband. Hence,where the previously mentioned friend who I had been a thorn to,now disliked me even more. Which was confusing to me,because the girl he said he liked was not THIS girl.
So this friend of mine,this woman I told I loved...decided that she loved me,and that while we knew it wasn't right to pursue anything while she was still legally married. We did. I say "we" because we both chose to go down that road,and neither of of forced the other to make the decisions we made.
So here I am today,feeling a vast array of emotions. As if the past few years of my life hadn't been messed up enough,I added to my own misery with a false hope of happiness with a person it was not only wrong to be with, but with a person that I said I claimed to love & yet I selfishly put in a terrible position by telling her all those things I never should have.
My time here in CC has seemed to negatively affect more here than help. "You will know them by their fruit"
I certainly don't have much of it,and what I do have is rotten.
I hope some of what I've said has made sense or cleared up some gossip,rumors or questions.
This post wasn't to gain attention or sympathy or be narcissistic in any way.
I just felt it was time to come clean with everyone.
I'm never sure about what is over-sharing with people. It's a huge fault of mine. In part I feel much of it is due to never really feeling like I directly hear God,no matter how close I've tried to draw near to Him.
But that's my life...and my junk to work through.
BTW...I just want to say...and I won't use his name...
You told her that God showed you that her & you were to be together,and that you had a bad feeling about me.
Well,I don't know what God shows others,but you were right about me.
I am kinda a mess,so maybe that was yer' "bad feeling" you got,bro.
On that note. Thanks for reading & again,sorry for any problems I caused for anyone on any level.
I should start by saying that more than likely this will be a long post. So if you don't like to read and/or simply don't care about what I have to share,then this is not the post for you.
Where to begin?
I'm not sure,but I suppose I could start out with this much...just in case those of you who read this don't make it through the story/explanation portion.
I want to ask everyone in general,but also a handful of specific members for forgiveness. (I won't name names,out of respect for their privacy,and as not to draw unwanted attention to them...they know who they are)
I know we all deal with sin,but some of us deal with it in ways that are beyond foolish,and basically know what they are doing is wrong,but try & justify it with whatever crap they make up in their heads.
I have been doing that for a while now. I have chosen to pursue a relationship that I had/have no business getting involved in. I have come up with a thousand scenarios in my mind of why it was ok to do it,and I had pretty much convinced myself of my own diluted lies.
I ask forgiveness to those whom I have cause to stumble in their hearts & minds through my selfishness & pride.
I'm not trying to assume that "I am all that" and everything I do here affects my CC brother & sisters...I know you all have lives that are far removed from the things that go on here,but I am aware of a few people that I have certainly upset,offended,hurt,or caused annoyance to.
Some of them I wasn't even aware of until they told me,and some just have stopped speaking to me all together,thus me sort of getting the "hint".
I need to ask God to forgive me most of all. (which I have been doing off & on for about 5 months now) There's a huge difference between asking for forgiveness,and actual repentance. I have certainly not been turning away from this sin,because I have held it close to my heart with vain justification. Period.
With all that said...
I contemplated how I would,or if I should even post this. How would it be received,or would it really even matter? Have I done too much damage,is there any going back?
I was also extremely angry at one point this week. Wanting to make a post about people gossiping,assuming thing's about which they don't know,projecting their own insecurities onto me & using me as some sort of scapegoat. Feeling like certain people are hypocrites by judging me for what I've done,when they have or are doing much the same as me.
Then I realized how insane it would be for me to lash out at anyone at all considering the gross amount of sin I was/am in!!!!! Even if I weren't...how Christ-like is that of me?? Glass houses..plank in the eye...pot calling the kettle black & all. How dare I?
I rarely even post in threads anymore about anything that has any real value because deep down I feel like such a hypocrite myself...how can I "advise" or "counsel" someone in something or "preach" at them,when my own life is in ruins & my heart is living a lie?
The past year...
During my stay in CC it has been both amazing & bittersweet.
I never came to this place in hopes or with the desire of meeting a woman & having some sort of wonderful love connection. As a matter of fact,it was quite the opposite. After my ex-wife divorced me without any real explanation & dissolved our 9 yrs together in a matter of moments...the last thing on my mind was ever finding another "love" or going down the road of marriage ever again. I was absolutely fine with that. Although,I came off to a few here in CC as a man who was anti-marriage & now a bit jaded. I explained to many that this was not the case at all...I just felt as though I wasn't cut out for it...God gave me my shot,and I obviously blew it. (opting to marry a non-believer instead of waiting for God to bless me with a Christian) But those people who still longed to have a spouse..More Power To Ya'! was my motto...just leave me out. lol
Within my 1st year on CC I met another member,we became friends,and used to joke around a bit in the forum..and flirt. One thing led to another & we actually started talking more & more in PM's,and on the phone. She was completely opposite of any woman who'd I'd ever be interested in for various reasons (too many to list) but something about her was sort of endearing,and her sarcasm & humor were a plus. Oh,yeah..and she was a Christian!
She said some pretty amazing things to me...which made me feel pretty special. No woman,let alone a Christian woman had ever said such wonderful things about me or professed to see things in me in such a way. I kinda fell for it hook,line & sinker. Even knowing how much we didn't see eye to eye on a great many important things,as well as some very twisted secretive stuff that I didn't completely figure out at the time,but then it was all revealed.
Long story short...
This girl & I never "dated" officially,and we never met in person. The whole crazy thing lasted all of 2 months if you include the time of first meeting her here in the forums. Turned out that the only reason she was showing any interest in me at all was because she was jealous over another male member in CC who she had been close to & involved with for quite some time,and he was now pursuing "other" lady friends,but still would talk to her...but now he wasn't so interested in her life,or their relationship,but more interested in talking 24/7 to her about his new love interest.
In this time,I decided to take a 2 month-ish hiatus from CC.
Now the fun begins...
While I was hashing out the craziness of this odd relationship I was involved in,one of the thing's this girl hated about me was that I had certain friends in CC that were married. I understood her concerns from a biblical standpoint,but I also knew that her reasons for being upset stemmed from jealousy,not because she was concerned about my spiritual well being,that much was clear.
For a brief moment in time I really prayed about it & thought maybe it wasn't right,that if it caused other's to stumble or question,then I should remove it from my life. I did. Then I regretted it.
During my time away from CC I realized that someone I'd been friends with since practically joining the forums I seriously missed. I mean like...really really missed speaking to them...sharing daily life junk...stories...jokes...God stuff. It just so happened that it was a woman & she was married. I prayed and asked God,what was wrong with me? Why was I thinking about this person so much & why did I feel like a part of my life was missing,now that I wasn't getting to see them in CC daily???? Was I to pray for them? Are they ok??? Why are they on my heart so much? I realized that I was in love with them. Yup. In love with a happily married woman.
I felt like crap about myself. Why? How?
*side note...at this point there was never ever EVER one single time that during my friendship with this woman that she or I ever flirted,joked about things of a sexual nature,talked about anything that would be looked at as inappropriate in any way,shape,or form!*
So,I tried to just forget all of what I was coming to terms with & just gave it to God. I just thought maybe I was going insane.
Out of a combination of sheer insomnia & feeling like I left CC in a really odd way,I came back!
(looking back now,realizing this would be the most unfortunate thing for many)
Within the first week on coming back,I had a few PM's from old friends asking how I was,nice to see you back,etc...
One Pm was a bit surprising to me,as in it some thing's were admitted to me about how I was a bit of a thorn in their side by my presence in the forums,yet they realized it was more than likely due to their own insecurities. They were doing well & interested in a new member on CC,and life was grand! That was the last time him or I talked like normal people with one another.
Getting back acquainted with my peeps from CC...the woman I had realized I was in love with & I started talking again. Excited to see one another again & pretty much picking up again right were we left off...as awesome friends!
Until...
We'd been talking & she mentioned how she was finally leaving her husband. I was shocked & yet not all at once. Of course I asked all the typical questions..Why? Are you sure? Can't you work it out..tried counseling?...etc
After hearing the extent of her situation,I told her that of course I would pray for her/them..the whole situation.
It should have ended there.
The next day,I think,was where I overstepped the line of right & wrong. Because I am such an arrogant,pride-filled beast who thinks being "honest & open" with other's is soooooo "admirable & righteous",I decided to tell this woman..my friend,that I was in love with her. That the few months w/out her in my life were so very sad,and how I realized that I felt more for her than I'd ever imagined. That no one in my life was so easy to talk to & share with...no uneasiness,just like some sort of perfect thing that had always been a part of me that I was just now realizing was there.
I justified much of this based on the idea that "Well,she's leaving her spouse,and I don't want to hide this fact that I have feelings for her,I am just being honest with her."
I never expected her to have any feeling's towards me. Never expected anything but her to say..."Dude yer' crazy,grow up!" She was a bit surprised,for sure,but told me that it didn't freak her out..needed some time to think about all this.
Understandable.
Turns out she did "have" feelings for me.."love"???? meh. Doesn't matter now really...but apparently I wasn't the first man in CC to confess his "interest" in her,since she announced her plans to divorce her husband. Hence,where the previously mentioned friend who I had been a thorn to,now disliked me even more. Which was confusing to me,because the girl he said he liked was not THIS girl.
So this friend of mine,this woman I told I loved...decided that she loved me,and that while we knew it wasn't right to pursue anything while she was still legally married. We did. I say "we" because we both chose to go down that road,and neither of of forced the other to make the decisions we made.
So here I am today,feeling a vast array of emotions. As if the past few years of my life hadn't been messed up enough,I added to my own misery with a false hope of happiness with a person it was not only wrong to be with, but with a person that I said I claimed to love & yet I selfishly put in a terrible position by telling her all those things I never should have.
My time here in CC has seemed to negatively affect more here than help. "You will know them by their fruit"
I certainly don't have much of it,and what I do have is rotten.
I hope some of what I've said has made sense or cleared up some gossip,rumors or questions.
This post wasn't to gain attention or sympathy or be narcissistic in any way.
I just felt it was time to come clean with everyone.
I'm never sure about what is over-sharing with people. It's a huge fault of mine. In part I feel much of it is due to never really feeling like I directly hear God,no matter how close I've tried to draw near to Him.
But that's my life...and my junk to work through.
BTW...I just want to say...and I won't use his name...
You told her that God showed you that her & you were to be together,and that you had a bad feeling about me.
Well,I don't know what God shows others,but you were right about me.
I am kinda a mess,so maybe that was yer' "bad feeling" you got,bro.
On that note. Thanks for reading & again,sorry for any problems I caused for anyone on any level.
