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i don't burn many bridges, for many reasons.
i don't have the capacity to care deeply for someone, then shut it off. i will build distance and walls between people who are unhealthy for me.
for those people, i will dial my personal investment way down. my expectations too.
that said, i've got people who i've zoned out of much of my life who know they could call me in a moment of devastation and i'd be down for helping them. but we can't become what we were. they're just permanently in my rear-view mirror.
also, for people who are bad for me, i'll do my best to show them why i shouldn't be in THEIR LIFE. i'll show them the side of me that isn't tolerant of their behavior, i'll lecture, and tell them what they're doing is foolish. like "tough love on steroids".
it's probably my way of testing their commitment to being my friend in spite of my lacking approval, and also probably hoping that they're going to "break up with me" if they can't handle me, at my sincere core.
but with breakups, i don't burn bridges, but i put space between us until i think the tie is broken.
i don't have the capacity to care deeply for someone, then shut it off. i will build distance and walls between people who are unhealthy for me.
for those people, i will dial my personal investment way down. my expectations too.
that said, i've got people who i've zoned out of much of my life who know they could call me in a moment of devastation and i'd be down for helping them. but we can't become what we were. they're just permanently in my rear-view mirror.
also, for people who are bad for me, i'll do my best to show them why i shouldn't be in THEIR LIFE. i'll show them the side of me that isn't tolerant of their behavior, i'll lecture, and tell them what they're doing is foolish. like "tough love on steroids".
it's probably my way of testing their commitment to being my friend in spite of my lacking approval, and also probably hoping that they're going to "break up with me" if they can't handle me, at my sincere core.
but with breakups, i don't burn bridges, but i put space between us until i think the tie is broken.
I
I'm a huge bridge burner. (not saying it's the right thing always to do) I just feel like sometimes it has to be done,for my own sanity. I've done it also to "protect" people from myself when I thought that my being in their lives was only hurting or distracting them. I guess prayer is the best way to handle this stuff. Ask God to show you if certain relationships need to be cut away.
I have to be honest, every-time someone mentions about me burning bridges, it irritates me because I had no intention of having anything develop from the beginning.
I've had to end friendship with people because they were not leading me towards the path of being a better Christian. Too much drinking and partying that was not fit of the life of a Christian. I never have regretted it because I'd rather be who I am supposed to be.
I've had to end friendship with people because they were not leading me towards the path of being a better Christian. Too much drinking and partying that was not fit of the life of a Christian. I never have regretted it because I'd rather be who I am supposed to be.
Z
zaoman-
PSSH at the sounding board thing
So anyway, when people use you like that, DO you call them out on it?
I just think burning bridges should be a last resort.
Also, what Ronnie said.
PSSH at the sounding board thing
So anyway, when people use you like that, DO you call them out on it?
I just think burning bridges should be a last resort.
Also, what Ronnie said.
Just a thought from someone who messes with words a lot. I would suggest the possibility that her meaning was more, "it means a lot to me that you texted and are there to pray for me" than " the only use I have for your friendship is to dump my problems on you". And she just expressed it poorly.
I definitely identify with feeling like people's guardian angel and that they only come to you when they need something. I'm starting to realize that I encourage it, however, by being more interested in problems or situations to analyze and fix than inane, mundane small talk. Recently I've been trying to keep my expectations in line with what I know to be true. So if someone has a lot of crap in their life and is all wrapped up in it, I realize that they probably aren't capable of being there for me like I am there for them. Sometimes people do their best, but they're still works in progress so their best isn't all that impressive when measured on an objective scale (like if I ran the 100 yard dash, my time would not be at all impressive). Then the challenge becomes to value that they are giving their best effort, but not to put expectations on them that they can't live up to at the present time.
There is a point where you need to stand up for yourself, but I do tend to believe that true friends can renegotiate the friendship when things aren't working. Of course the scary part is taking that chance of will they still want to be around you if you are a little bit difficult and actually want something for yourself instead of just to give. Sometimes bridges may need to be burned, but what has usually happened in my life is they have been abandoned or closed for a time and then not used after that.
I guess the other thing to add is that we all need some just for fun friendships. We need those people who can be refreshing and relaxing and we'll be there for each other if the need arises but mostly we just like each other's company. Such people are tough for me to find, but I treasure them when I do.
I definitely identify with feeling like people's guardian angel and that they only come to you when they need something. I'm starting to realize that I encourage it, however, by being more interested in problems or situations to analyze and fix than inane, mundane small talk. Recently I've been trying to keep my expectations in line with what I know to be true. So if someone has a lot of crap in their life and is all wrapped up in it, I realize that they probably aren't capable of being there for me like I am there for them. Sometimes people do their best, but they're still works in progress so their best isn't all that impressive when measured on an objective scale (like if I ran the 100 yard dash, my time would not be at all impressive). Then the challenge becomes to value that they are giving their best effort, but not to put expectations on them that they can't live up to at the present time.
There is a point where you need to stand up for yourself, but I do tend to believe that true friends can renegotiate the friendship when things aren't working. Of course the scary part is taking that chance of will they still want to be around you if you are a little bit difficult and actually want something for yourself instead of just to give. Sometimes bridges may need to be burned, but what has usually happened in my life is they have been abandoned or closed for a time and then not used after that.
I guess the other thing to add is that we all need some just for fun friendships. We need those people who can be refreshing and relaxing and we'll be there for each other if the need arises but mostly we just like each other's company. Such people are tough for me to find, but I treasure them when I do.
Z
Well, I know her well enough to know that she just speaks before thinking, and a lot of times says things that are rude like that, and while she backtracks and says she's joking, she's really not. I've witnessed her doing that several times.
If someone wants to come to me for help, I have no issues with that really, with few exceptions. Especially if it's someone I really care about. That's probably because I've vented and unleashed on so many people, I should return the favor
I understand people liking to have the "just for fun" friendships or whatever, if they like them that's fine, but for me personally I want more than someone to just hang with sporadically and do whatever. I want to know my relationship with someone has some kind of meaning and importance.
If someone wants to come to me for help, I have no issues with that really, with few exceptions. Especially if it's someone I really care about. That's probably because I've vented and unleashed on so many people, I should return the favor
I understand people liking to have the "just for fun" friendships or whatever, if they like them that's fine, but for me personally I want more than someone to just hang with sporadically and do whatever. I want to know my relationship with someone has some kind of meaning and importance.
M
I kind of think most people don't care much about forming deep, meaningful friendships (or relationships) in this day and age because...why? There's so much STUFF available, who needs true friends you connect deeply with? And everything is so easily, instantly obtainable- anything you want at the click of a button, delivered right to your door. No work or effort or thought involved. Feel lonely? Millions of chat rooms to join, millions of other people just looking to quickly fill a void. Again, requires little effort.
People are all about the biggest return for the least amount of trouble on their part. It's just what our society is. "Gimme, gimme, gimme, but gosh don't make me work for it" is the prevalent attitude.
This is a problem I've had in really connecting with anyone, too- I've tried being friends with women who were very nice people...but they were more concerned about having someone to shop with, tell them they looked good, entertain them while they got their nails done, whatever. That was all fine and dandy, but wow did it get old fast. And beyond that, there was nothing deeper to connect with them over.
...I got a phone call in the middle of trying to type this on my stoopid phone, and completely lost my train of thought. Anyway, there ARE people out there who are also looking for meaningful friendships...don't give up, and all that other optimistic stuff...
People are all about the biggest return for the least amount of trouble on their part. It's just what our society is. "Gimme, gimme, gimme, but gosh don't make me work for it" is the prevalent attitude.
This is a problem I've had in really connecting with anyone, too- I've tried being friends with women who were very nice people...but they were more concerned about having someone to shop with, tell them they looked good, entertain them while they got their nails done, whatever. That was all fine and dandy, but wow did it get old fast. And beyond that, there was nothing deeper to connect with them over.
...I got a phone call in the middle of trying to type this on my stoopid phone, and completely lost my train of thought. Anyway, there ARE people out there who are also looking for meaningful friendships...don't give up, and all that other optimistic stuff...