bothered by fiance's past

[John_agape]

You gave the key to unlock your problem when you said, "thats how abusive relationships work, they are very hard to get out of."

If you have never been in an abusive relationship, or helped someone out of an abusive relationship, then you have no right to doubt her integrety. She went through hell in that relationship. Leave it. Let it go.

If you think that a person cannot become a stronger Christian after falling, then I think you don't understand Christ, the Bible and the realities of a Christian life. She fell and she got up. One sign of a strong Christian is not that they don't fall, but how they respond to having fallen.

We are all capable of falling. If you think you haven't then you are living a sheltered life. A Christian who falls, turns to Christ, repents and stands up again, is a stronger Christian than before the fall.

In Ephesians we read how the ideal marriage looks like. Don't read the part about how the wife is supposed to be. Read the part about the husband.
"Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; that he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, that he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish."

If you are not able to hold Christ's standard in your relationship, and do your part (being towards your wife as Christ is to the church) you have no right to doubt your fiancee.

If she says "It was OK," or if she is unwilling to talk about it, or if she gets worked up when talking about it, then the most rational reason is that she is dealing with her trauma with God. Speaking about it opens raw wounds in her soul.

My wife left me for another man. He became abusive after I was out of the picture. I went back and helped her leave him, and we started our relationship over again. That was 25 years ago. I don't know what they did together. My wife has suppressed any memory of that time. She doesn't want to remember it. I respect that and don't think about it either. It is not a part of my relationship with my wife. The hurt it caused was, but with God's grace we have left that in the past.

Remember that when the priests brought a woman caught in adultery to Jesus, Jesus forgave the woman and told her to go and sin no more.

I don't see her past as a problem. The problem I see is you dwelling on it and making it an issue.

 

[Jasonxvx777]

I do know what it's like to be broken, I've had an extremely rough childhood/life so I do understand just how hard things can be at times. I also am very far from perfect and I have sinned sexually a lot in the past, worse than her I would argue. I don't know why my heart is hard on this issue, I would work on it if I knew how. I've always struggled with letting go of the past in previous relationships, the problem is within myself and sometimes I do wonder if it's better for me to be alone.

 

[Esanta]

Let me start this out by saying I'm with an amazing and sweet woman who I love very much and I look forward to marrying. We get along really well and have few problems but one of our biggest problems is me struggling with her past. This has gone on for quite some time now and it makes her feel absolutely horrible to the point of hating herself and crying which I do not like to see.

I want to keep this anonymous so I won't go too deep into detail. My fiance is a christian woman who is and always has been involved in the church. She has good morals and tries to live right the best she can. When she was younger she tried some sexual things with a boyfriend of hers out of curiosity and didn't like it but he was a very abusive person and started forcing her and threatening her to get her to keep doing these things. this went on for years and somehow she kept on ending up back with this person who treated her like crap. According to her it was because she didn't see a way out but she hated all of it, she hated the sexual things and being treated like crap but he just kept forcing her and she was terrified of him.

Later I came along and she had just decided to finally leave this person. Whenever I asked about the past or it came up, she made it sound like it was completely normal and she was happy with him but later she came out and told me everything and I can't help but feel like I don't know if she is being honest about things or just pretending like she already did with me. I

I can understand that it is hard to talk about but it still bothers me. The other thing is I can't seem to stop thinking about all the sexual things she has done with this guy and how it went on for years. I often wonder how can a person so strong in her faith live this way? How can a youth leader and sunday school teacher keep living that way? I see her and sometimes this is the only thing I can think of but it's even worse that it hurts her and brings up painful memories of her past.

Why is this about you? What I mean is, your girl's been abused in the past and has mustered up the strength to admit it to you yet your reaction is to mistrust that she's telling you the truth and to get jealous because another man has had sexual relations with her which, from her admissions, was not always consensual nor something she actually enjoyed. You're asking how could she do those things. Well, in her shoes, how would you imagine?

She was a little young, a bit naive, fell in love, then got taken advantage of. That's a mistake that I'd be sure to learn from and not want to repeat. I'd also not want, in her shoes, to meet another guy who mistrusts me and keeps bringing up my past or getting bothered and annoyed about it.

She's gone through enough. Just be there for her and make it a point to want to make her happy. She can't change her past no matter how many times you ask her and it is not her responsibility to make you feel okay about it. That's your issue and you shouldn't direct it at her. If you really need to talk about it a therapist would be a neutral place to start where your issues don't create tension in your relationship and you can get unbiased advice friends can't give you - friend's tend to validate us too much, make us think we're always right.

Plus the fact that she would appreciate you making a true effort to change your trust problems.

There is a saying where I come from; 'the past is unchangeable, and the future is unknown. All things sit presently'.

It means that nothing you do can effect the past, nothing you do can predict the future, and everything you do is done in the moment you currently reside in. Now. Always now. The scientific way to say it is 'lucid conscious experience is always momentary'.

Think of it this way. In any present moment where you reflect on the past and bring up things she has done in the past, you waste your present and make your present negative. Don't make your present negative, because then your relationship, at that moment, is negative.

Make your present positive. The present is a present. Don't give rotten eggs.

 

[secularhermit]

You are right!

"There is a saying where I come from; 'the past is unchangeable, and the future is unknown. All things sit presently'. "

Sadly there´s a remorse. I also was engaged with someone who had several things more and I felt sad (and sorry for me) when she was not so solid rooted on this present everybody would love to live out everyday.

In my family there were several persons involved in prostitution and in cheating (I know it well) (I wish I had no need to tell it). As a man, there´s a remorse for many things I know (and some could be feared of).

In my personal experience it downed on me that I want sexual exclusivity, the same I would give, and that´s where many concerns would arise to both, men and women.

Past cannot be changed, just MY fears and remorse.

 

[John_agape]

Hi Jason, That last post explains a lot. I am starting to guess what your problem could be. You can PM me if you want to talk about it.

 

[sassylady]

I doesn't sound like she is truly repentant about her past, and the deception part is a red flag to me. I would not jump into marriage with this person very soon at all, and of course stay in prayer about it. It is right to want somebody who is pure, especially if they say they are saved, so I can understand it is going to bother you a lot. That's not the way to get into a serious relationship!

 

[John_agape]

I doesn't sound like she is truly repentant about her past, and the deception part is a red flag to me.

I feel quite the contrary. I think she wants to heal from the trauma of an abusive relationship. If she has repented and changed, why should she wallow in digging up the past that she has already repented and regretted.

I don't see any deception there. I see a hurt person healing. Dwelling on it and talking about it is to the soul, what ripping off the bandages, removing the stitches and looking into the opened wound, is to the body.

 

[MissCris]

Speaking as a woman with a "past", the OP was very difficult for me to read without feeling angry, and even a little hopeless. And some of the responses! "She seems unrepentant", "Don't marry her", "she seems hooked on the past"...

This woman made mistakes, and this woman was abused. Praise God for freeing her from that! Don't compound the terrible things she went through (either of her own doing or at the hands of others) by holding those very things against her. If you can't let it go and love her for who and what she is Now, Today, then get out of her life and give her the chance to be with someone who accepts every part of her.

Stop making her relive her past. Stop dragging her heart through the mud with your issues about her history.

Surviving rape and any kind of abuse is hard enough, but having those things held against you by someone who claims to love you is just as bad. If you love her, let her be free...from her past.

 

[Jasonxvx777]

Thank you all. I seriously feel like und worst pperson alive right now. Here is this beautiful girl who was aabused and eventually taught that she deserved it and I come along and question her on why she would ever stay making her feel like she was what caused it. I know you all don't believe me but I really don't want to hurt her or be cruel.

If I can't let it go, I just want to let her go so she can be free and happy and find someone who can treat her better. I'm so sad to see this truth about me but I'm glad I did. I do tell her she is beautiful everyday, I point out all her qualities all the time and try to guide her. I've told her she deserves to be treated better than that but I say this with tears in my eyes, she also deserves to be treated better than what I've given her. I may be the lesser of two evils but she should be treated much better than what I've given.

Feel free to pm me friend

 

[Loveneverfails]

I don't think you're ready to marry this woman. You admit that the problem is in you and your inability to forgive and move on, and that's a great first step, but I think you may need to deal with yourself some more before marrying her, otherwise this will continue to be an issue in your marriage and could end up hurting her more. I'm glad you're here seeking godly counsel on the matter. Perhaps try to also seek counsel in your local area.

I will pray for you and your fiancé. God Bless.

 

[gypsygirl]

you know, after reading all your messages, i think this comes down to a matter of trust. you're struggling with your ability to trust her.

since you see her past seems inconsistent with you know her to be, and also, her ability to make choices that you don't understand gives you reason to suspect that you can trust her now, and what she tells you. and i can't even imagine how difficult it might be for someone else to understand how abuse can both influence, predispose, and even create the trap of sexual sin.

abuse can influence profoundly complex and difficult to understand behavior. i speak from experience.

unless she is currently acting inconsistent with trustworthy behavior, you need to look within for why you're struggling with trust issues. usually, in my experience, this is found in insecurity and often history that can go back as far as childhood.

as a result, i think part of your growing from this is realizing that your lacking trust is probably very little to do with her. if you can see that, and work on that both as a couple and independently, you might be able to grow from this. in my history, a relationship with a man who has trust issues is completely joyless and rather controlling. you can't proceed further with her until you find some healing from this.

i wish you both the very best. : )

 

[BeeD]

I think it was a mistake for her to even tell you about her past and the things she did with him. Some things are best left unsaid. Her past with him had nothing to do with you, nor did her actions. By her telling you those things it has caused you to view her in a bad light and to even distrust her. She should have confeseed her sins to God and someone else in her church....like her Pastor maybe, anyone but you. People are not as forgiving nor as understanding as God is about the faults and misdeeds of a Christian. It does make them say, " How can you call yourself a Christian and do such things ? You and your fiance` need to go to God together in prayer. She needs to ask God for His forgiveness for her wrong, if she hasn't already; if she has, she needs to realize the she is forgiven and let go of the guilt and forgive herself and move on in peace. You need to ask God to help you to put aside any doubt and distrust for your fiance` and to help you to get passed the things in your heart and mind that she has told you she did. If not your marriage to her will be over before it even begins. You both need to enter your marriage with love, trust and forgiveness. Marriage is hard enough without going into it with problems.

 

[Bushido8000]

I can't help but feel like I don't know if she is being honest about things or just pretending like she already did with me.

Can you not bring this part up to her for any particular reason? Also may I ask how old you two are.

 

[presidente]

I don't like to se people break off engagements, after anouncing things to friends and family. It's best for the man to be absolutely committed to marrying her (contingent on her father's approval) BEFORE.

But in the Old Testament, if a woman pretended to be a virgin and let her father receive the bride price for virgins, and was later found not to be one after the wedding, she was to be put to death. My point in bringing this up is that pretending to be a virgin is a big thing. If she pretended to be one, got engaged to you, and then revealed she wasn't, I can see why you would break it off. She probably witheld information because it was too embarrassing and painful to talk about.

Even if he was an abusive type of person, unless he actually raped her, then she agreed to experiment with him. If she lied about that, that's something to consider. You can understand why someone would lie about something they regret that is so personal and shameful. But it isn't fair to you.

If she told you she wasn't a virgin, for example, and you knew that, but found out more details about her past sex life that bothered you because you got too much information, and she has repented, and you are both believers, I don't feel it would be right to break off an engagement over that. If it's all sexual stuff she did short of losing her virginity, and she made herself out to have a perfectly innocent past and changed the story after you got engaged, maybe that's more of a grey area for me personally, but I could understand wanting to break off an engagement. It may be old fashioned, but I think it's reasonable for a man not to marry a woman if she has a sexual past and he doesn't like that, and vice versa. If you didn't find out before you proposed, well, you probably should have tried. But there aren't a lot of older folks explaining the need for finding such things out to younger folks these days in our sexually permissive culture.

If her story keeps changing, and she keeps adding details that contradicts what she said in the past, and as time goes on, her accounts of her sexual involvement with him get more and more intense, and she's claiming to be a virgin (technically), just beware of that. I've heard the phrase 'trickle truth' and that seems to be a good way of describing things like this.

The scenario I heard 'trickle truth' in reference to was a woman who went out to party when she took a trip to Vegas with her girlfriends. When she got home, she let slip that she danced with a man at a club. Her husband asked some questions. The next time, she let slip that he kissed her. Over time, he asked, and she told him more details. Why do people trickle the truth out like this? Part of it may be the pain and shame of telling the truth. Another part may be guilt. The person is lying, and feels guilty about lying, but doesn't want to tell the truth. Telling pieces of truth makes him or her feel less guilty. It could also be a strategy to slowly boil the water so the frog won't jump out instead of dropping the frog in the hot water. The frog will stay in and die if the water is slowly heated, but jump away if someone tries to drop it into boiling water. The wife in the scenario may realize her husband may be more willing to forgive smaller infractions leading up to full-blown adultery and desensitize him a bit when she finally tells him the truth.

I don't know if this is the case with your fiancee, and her sins were prior to meeting you. It's a different scenario. If she has secrets and feels ashamed and guilty, and more details come out, more and more, that show that she's been lying, the secret could be a big one. If you believe she is honest and has told you everything that needs to be told, that's good. IMO, knowing whether she is a virgin or not or whether she has 'experimented' or not is enough. You don't need too much detail. You may want to know if she has aborted a baby or put one up for adoption or things like that that could effect your future life together.

If she's being honest, even if she isn't sharing all the details, and you can marry her with her past and accept her and not hold it over her head and you love her, you may decide to continue the engagement and marry her. But if you percieve that she has some big secret that she is lying about. you may want to insist on her telling the truth if you are to continue the engagement. If she's told you things that she lied about before engagement about her sexual past that would have been 'deal breakers' if you'd known before, you may have a reason to break it off if you choose, or you can overlook it. Whatever the case, she needs to have repented, and she needs to be honest with you.

 

[sunburn]

I am going to ask you one question, Jason....HAVE YOU SLEPT WITH HER?
It's important you DO NOT.
Especially if you want to question her integrity.
Secondly, Are you a virgin? where do you stand in your own -no-sex-before-marriage- journey...

Now I need you to understand this: You question her integrity with God, that's normal...you need to do that for your own integrity since she is your fiancee...
You are not just bothered by her past, you are not able to reconcile the idea of her being sexually damaged by another man and subconsciously, you cannot forgive her for allowing herself to be in that position...She is weak and damaged in your eyes...
She def has issues. And you need o get to know her. How long have you been engaged? how long do you know her? why are you marrying her? Why?

You might decide she is not for you and may be you are right...but she might later on find a man who is willing to love her as Christ love the church, broken and damaged...that's what marriage is all about....
Most women and men are broken inside some way or another...
Sin comes in different form..be careful not o judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Don' stick around and hate her silently. But make a decision to know what you really want in life and in a partner, with maturity. She has issues to resolve that's for sure...and it might be too big for you.
unless of course you can take on that challenge.

PEACE

 

[Jasonxvx777]

My past is pretty bad actually, I haven't been pure and I've done more than she has. We are both 24 and no I haven't kept this silent. I usually try to discuss it and work it out, although I know that can be hard for a person to discuss their past and motives. I've come to the conclusion that the problem is my own insecurities and worries being taken out on her. Also that tends to try to sugarcoat things and I feel like I need the truth always to trust her completely. The other problem is that she still didn't completely let her ex go before we started dating, at least not the hurt.

 

[sunburn]

My past is pretty bad actually, I haven't been pure and I've done more than she has. We are both 24 and no I haven't kept this silent. I usually try to discuss it and work it out, although I know that can be hard for a person to discuss their past and motives. I've come to the conclusion that the problem is my own insecurities and worries being taken out on her. Also that tends to try to sugarcoat things and I feel like I need the truth always to trust her completely. The other problem is that she still didn't completely let her ex go before we started dating, at least not the hurt.

You still have not answered the question: Have you slept with her?

 

[Jasonxvx777]

We had a very very long conservation last night and most of it is pretty clear now. I made it hard for her to be honest about everything because I do get pretty upset about sexual stuff and she has lied about some things which hurt horribly. Also I realized she was was taught that she was nobody and that if he left her, she would be alone for life because she is so horrible. It's quite sad that she still doesn't feel she deserves love. She is such a beautiful lovely lady. I know I need to reassure her constantly that she is wonderful. The crazy thing is, it's not true. Plenty of guys would want her and have, crazy how someone can actually convince a person they are nobody.

The part she wanted to confess was that sometimes she did like sexual things to feel wanted and get attention, that she was willing at times. She was also forced a lot though and treated like crap. Why would anyone even want attention like that from a complete jerk is what I wonder but I shouldn't dwell on the past too much.

 

[dabodab]

We had a very very long conservation last night and most of it is pretty clear now. I made it hard for her to be honest about everything because I do get pretty upset about sexual stuff and she has lied about some things which hurt horribly. Also I realized she was was taught that she was nobody and that if he left her, she would be alone for life because she is so horrible. It's quite sad that she still doesn't feel she deserves love. She is such a beautiful lovely lady. I know I need to reassure her constantly that she is wonderful. The crazy thing is, it's not true. Plenty of guys would want her and have, crazy how someone can actually convince a person they are nobody.

The part she wanted to confess was that sometimes she did like sexual things to feel wanted and get attention, that she was willing at times. She was also forced a lot though and treated like crap. Why would anyone even want attention like that from a complete jerk is what I wonder but I shouldn't dwell on the past too much.

she isn't ready for marriage, and neither are you.

Theres a a good chance her parents are to blame for making her feel like a nobody. Do you know her parents? This kind of feeling, which I have experienced and acted out on when I was young, usually doesn't happen as a result of a bad relationship but much earlier in life. The acting out with men is commonly a result of that feeling of worthlessness. Trying to find a person who can love you. It's more complicated than this, you understand. She should seek counseling and figure out the root and deal with that before getting married.

Your past is also an issue. Carousing can injure your outlook on the opposite sex. For me, it destroyed my trust in men. For men this is also likely true. Get counseling and tell someone besides a board of strangers what is happening in your lives.

 

[biglife]

If you ask me I will say DO NOT MARRY THIS LADY. Remember God is not the author of confusion in any way or concerns related to any sector of our lifes. If you are having a troubled mind about her then what makes you think that you will not have same when you are married and probably no way to come out? Like that you will be in a state of "troubled mind" for the rest of your years? Or you will then seek for divorce? Why not spare yourself, spare the lady and all of us the regret and pains that is definitely lurking around the corner. I think you need to watch if what you feel is even love. Let me tell you: Love without peace is definitely not from God. Remember the blessing of the Lord maketh rich and adds no sorry with it, it means if you are having sorrow already then question yourself if God is involved.
WATCH AND PRAY very very hard before you marry anyone. This goes for both men and ladies. Good luck.