If you feel suicidal in the future, please phone a suicide hot line. And talk to your doctor about this. Stress can be a big trigger, but there has to be more going on underneath.
A lack of neurotransmitters in the brain can make the perfect life seem like it is not worth living. I went through about 7 years of deep depression when I first got RA. God did help me in amazing ways, and I am depression free. But part of helping me was getting me the right psychiatrist, the right meds, and eating better and exercising more.
You sound like you are having "intrusive thoughts." This can be stopped with the right medication. And if you ever need to talk, please PM me.
Praying for you, sjr, and for Zerotublence. The same for you - just PM me! (I am a trained chaplain, and have had many courses and personal experience with depression and other mental illnesses!)