The Missing Link Between Love and Sex

[MissCris]

People have sex without being in love. People can love each other without hopping into bed together. A person can love another person and sleep with somebody else. People who don't even like each other can have sex, and people who are deeply in love can experience times of not wanting to have sex.

I've heard it said that men equate sex with love, but also that men are more capable of separating their emotions from the act itself. I've heard it said that women can't sleep with someone without their emotions getting involved, but then I've heard women tell each other that a one-night stand is the best way to get over a broken heart.

I know that a person's religious views and relationship with Christ play a huge role in how that persons views/thinks of sex, whether they keep their virginity until marriage, whether they are faithful to their spouse, all of that. But even Christians who are strong in their faith and obedient to God face temptation and sometimes lose the fight. So even faith in God doesn't bridge that gap between just loving a person, and just having sex with someone.

There are a lot of contradictory (and false) statements made about sex and about love. In a perfect world, nobody would have sex outside of marriage, and that would be that. But we don't, and the topics of love and sex seem to pop up for a lot of people and it's often embarrassing or painful or too difficult for people to really talk about.

I brought this up because I had a kind of insulting offer made to me by an ex-boyfriend (which I declined) and it got me thinking about how sad it is that such an intimate act as sex is ever done without love, and the skewed perception of what love is that makes anyone feel that if you're in love, you should show it by having sex. I just feel that there's something missing between the two, some key ingredient that ties sex and love together to create the level of intimacy that should only be found within marriage but is often missing even there.

So I have a few questions at this point:

-Have I even made enough sense for you to answer a question on this subject? If not, please tell me and I'll try to explain better.

-Do you agree/disagree/have a different opinion to share on the topic?

-What do you think that "missing link" is?

 

[DuchessAimee]

I think the missing link is fear. When you include love when you have sex you are very vulnerable. Your partner holds you and your emotions completely and fully in their hands, and that's terrifying if you've been massively hurt. It's terrifying if you have suppressed your true emotions to the point of denial.


So you have sex, you have fun, and you have very little attachment to the person. That's what the world says. But the bible says something different. If you read Song of Solomon you see how intimate God has designed us to be. SOS shows us what the missing link you mentioned is.

 

[secularhermit]

@ Criss

I liked your post. Allow me to share a thought about this: " I've heard it said that women can't sleep with someone without their emotions getting involved"
"Traditionally it is "known" that female prostitution is older than men prostitution. Female prostitution exists because we men are guilty of making it to exi$t.
I tottally agree on "we men equate sex with love". I had a very wrong view of that subject, but I have hope we all, as human beings keep on learning. Particularly OUTSIDE the secular world who had taught "us" many wrong values. One of this I learnt: "If you don´t take it, you are a fool, you are not a man". So the enviroment where I grew "help me" to feel that push and, of course, we, as citizens, spoil the whole society (and female attitudes towards us).

We all need to re-shape ideas and help others to grow on the right sexual attitude. At least I´m trying my children to get it through.

 

[secularhermit]

@ cRISS " In a perfect world, nobody would have sex outside of marriage, and that would be that. "

The PERFECT LINK seems to be LOVE (perhaps in blue). When that LOVE exists, one another is pending to give, instead of receiving and, I hope "we" men had acknowledged that women don´t function like us... I´m sure many people, my age, know we have a trigger women don´t have that fast and, if there is LOVE, at least the awareness women have a different process in the art of love making, that dissastisfaction will not be so widespread and, I just guess, many man (in a perfect world) will stop misbehaving like a cock in the middle of an haren with bunches of hens (just because those "hens" aren´t loved, but simply used).

 

[secularhermit]

Additionally to what I said (and I´m aware I could be more wrong). Let´s suppose marriage gave some safeguard, some bulletproof jacket against being hurt and damaged... Do it exist or not? (divorce).

I can show a dozen people there is an anti-LINK: The emotional divorce and, although millions are legally married, there are people who are emotionally divorced.

And I´m happy I´m not a mind reader.

So, I agree on the idea Aimee held: Fear is also needed to help grow LOVE.

 

[ThePottersClay]

The missing link is the degeneration of moral values caused by the conditioning of the mind. You have to consider why the act of sex is included in our human existence - procreation mainly. Sex is merely an act, and a potential mechanical one at that. Any two people can insert Part A into Part B. However... because we are passionate souls with a Loving God who felt it was needed to insert the Song of Solomon into the bible, we are giving the expression of sexuality and this is a whole other story, because sexuality is a behavior, it reflects a personality trait and in this case the trait is sexual in nature.

Like any personality, there is always the one we show the world and the one we hide underneath, these two are very rarely aligned, but rather mirrored images of one another. When it comes to your sexual personality you open yourself up on a level that is not superficial, it is here were you express your deepest desires. And funny enough love is not a dependent variable in this equation. These things can happen in the presence or the absence of love.

When it comes to Marriage the lack of a sexually charged personality serves as a mechanism for a partner to insulate him/herself, and this extends to the partner, with this issue, there can be no real exchange, no human connection, sexual or otherwise. Instead, it's a trap that imprisons people. And so... of course the sex dies. It’s not interesting. It’s flat, one dimensional, boring.


At the end of day, since you can have sex without sexuality, but you can’t have sexuality without sex, it makes sense that the fun of it would fizzle for many couples due to the disconnect between sex and sexuality.

It is for this reason the word of God does not only shun the act of sexual promiscuity, adultery etc, but He also shuns the fact that if we even "THINK to covet another man's wife/husband" that we have already sinned.

Not sure if this helped.... but in almost 90% of cases where you find a prostitute selling herself, or a person who falls into a sexual addiction, you will find that there is an emotional disconnect, and this more often than not is born from experiences in childhood, or later, indoctrinated beliefs even and fear that has been imprinted in so many.

 

[secularhermit]

I wish the prostitution Stats lower... Only God knows it completely and, as sad as it is, the reasons for "it" creeps around childhood damaged, not only for abuses, but from sexual harassment or wrong indoctrination. I know it 1st hand, and I know my family well.

 

[didymos]

(...). I just feel that there's something missing between the two, some key ingredient that ties sex and love together to create the level of intimacy that should only be found within marriage but is often missing even there. (...)

-What do you think that "missing link" is?

My best guess is 'trust.'

 

[Nocturnus]

Some might call it fear; for the longest time I called it respect. Whatever the case is, it exists and it is missing from many, but not everyone.

Personally, I've never seen sex and love as equals or even close, not even when I wasn't a Christian. If love is meant to endure everything, sex is certainly nowhere near close to matching up to it.

Love is not simply an emotion; it becomes an action, a commitment one honors willingly without counting wrongs, without reproach, without condition. Sex is a tool meant to be used with respect and with care, and when used as such, can take and help that love along, symbolizing the very things we come to desire in a loving relationship, such as trust, affection, complete and willing surrender, being joined together for the rest of life, regardless of ups and downs, good or bad, sickness and health.

I once heard someone say that a child is the heart of two souls joined together, walking in the world as living proof of their emotions for one another. As I look at the many children who live without a parent who decided enough was enough I can't help but feel this is true, for while they might learn love and respect it is certainly harder to do without two parents who truly desire each other in every way life has to offer.

 

[seoulsearch]

Hey Cris, great topic. While I certainly agree with all the answers here, I also think two components we often don't associate love and sex with are RESPONSIBILITY and COMMITMENT. Anything worth something in life takes a lot of hard work and persistence, and sex without God's principles isolates the supposed "fun" part while removing all the work, which is what makes it so attractive to the sinful nature.

One of the most challenging aspects of the Christian life is that there is only ONE way a Christian can have a sexual relationship--by committing to ONE person for the REST of their life, through the GOOD AND BAD. That means, if a child is born as a result of having sex, you are responsible for that child. If one or both partners have had previous sexual partners (whether through a previous marriage to someone who gave it to them, past casual sex, etc.) and an STD is somehow transmitted along the way, you are now committed to that person for LIFE, no matter what challenges come along.

I was complaining to God once about how tough single life is, etc., and He smacked me in the face with, "Kim. You are not responsible enough to have sex right now." I started thinking about all the things I see other couples going through around me as I get older: a spouse getting cancer, a child dying, aging parents and grandparents with Alzheimer's, mental illnesses, spending most of their time virtually as a single person anyway because their spouse is always at work... the list goes on and on. As a single person, I can pray and help as I am able but I am not bound to another person's family issues as well as my own. To be honest, taking on the responsibilities of having two families (my own and a spouse's) is pretty intimidating. NOT that I wouldn't do so in the future but God was making me take a good, hard look at my own heart. He was saying... Are You Ready For These Kinds of Responsibilities?

When we're younger we think that love is romance and flowers and gifts and going to concerts and movies together and having someone there on major holidays. Sure, it can be all that. But love is commitment, sacrifice, and often, doing what we don't want to do. We think of love as a natural spontaneous feeling that inspires us to do things we don't want to do, but long-term love doesn't work that way. God is love. God didn't want to have to send His Son to die, and Jesus didn't want to have to go through His suffering and death. God was not overcome with wild butterfly feelings that overcame the dread and horror of what was to come on the cross. But He did it anyway. Because of love. And that's a picture of what real love is all about. Sure, there are fun, wonderful times... but there are also heavy, dark times of doing what you don't want to do because you committed yourself to being there and it's a commitment that is not to be broken.

Our human nature is to want all the fun and none of the work or responsibility. This is what isolating sex does--it provides the momentary thrill while removing the big picture, and it emphasizes a (relatively) small part of an entire system God established for it to be a part of.

Sex without love, work, or responsibility is a lot like processed food. Processing strips away all the nutrients but gives us something easy to consume that tastes really, really good. Most of us would prefer to eat pizza and cookies rather than broccoli and spinach. I literally force myself to eat healthy food. It's not what I naturally enjoy, but I know it's good for me and that God wants me to take care of my body.

Likewise, choosing the right things can be really, really hard. But, we also see the alternative when we choose fast, easy, and fun. Food is a good example--all the processed food we love to eat that's had all the good things filtered away, leaving us with vast amounts of sugar, salt, and fat... is literally killing all of us in one way or another: obesity, high blood pressure, heart disease, diabetes, and it even affects our mental and emotional state.

In the same way, sex pared down to "fast and easy" is obviously wreaking havoc on our society: broken homes, no commitment, no satisfaction in any relationship no matter how many a person goes through, sexually transmitted diseases, children growing up with one parent or literally raising themselves...

Whenever we take something and try to extract all the fun without God's basic principles of being responsible for our actions, it always results in disaster.

But I know. Always easier said than done... for myself as well. Just as we are almost all lured to a plate of French fries rather than a plate of steamed vegetables... A fun and easy time over a lifetime of both triumphs and heartaches can be awfully tempting. When I start to think about the "big picture" of what God wants and expects for us... It's rather overwhelming and I wonder if I will ever be able to live up to that responsibility... And suddenly... the thought of just plain sex doesn't seem all that appealing anymore, because I realize that no matter what, my ultimate responsibility is to God.

 

[secularhermit]

My best guess is 'trust.'

True!

"Innocent until proven guilty" (or, should I say: "Guilty until proven innocent" ? ).

So I´d keep on trusting.

 

[ijustwanttheTruth]

a good friend of mine once told me that there are 3 things greatly needed for a good healthy relationship- to understand a person, to respect a person, and to like/love a person. if you understand and respect someone, but don't love them, then they are in a position above you, but have no access to your heart.
if you love someone but don't understand them, your love will not communicate such to their heart. if you love someone but do not respect them, you put yourself in a higher position over them. and love is never higher.

love is always equal, and if necessary, lower.
I respect few.
i understand some.
I love many.

but if physical intimacy is enacted without these components of connection, trust (as previously stated) and submission,
then it is nothing. but more than nothing, it is a half truth. and a half truth is not enough.

 

[Shouryu]

I was complaining to God once about how tough single life is, etc., and He smacked me in the face with, "Kim. You are not responsible enough to have sex right now."

I'm pretty sure He says this to the vast majority of us, at all ages. The problem is, too many of us respond by sticking our fingers in our ears and yelling, "LA LA LA CAN'T HEAR YOU LA LA LA I'VE GOT A LOVE-EL-LEEE BUNCH OF COCONUTS!"

(I use the term "us" to denote the general population of single people who self-identify as Christian, not to denote anyone here specifically. Don't worry, I'm not casting stones...rather, speaking from experience.)

 

[biscuit]

-What do you think that "missing link" is?

The true test of love is the ability to 'trust' one another in a time of a crisis. Love & sex won't matter if the trust factor isn't strong enough.

 

[wisebeardman]

sex? what is this I don't even....

 

[ThePottersClay]

Lesson 1: Marriage...

sex? what is this I don't even....

 

[wisebeardman]

Lesson 1: Marriage...

Marriage.. its like the lotto, you spend big amounts of cash hoping to win, but you end up losing big.

 

[gypsygirl]

first i agree with what's been shared here. definitely.

but what no one has said yet, is that finding marriage material, allowing the relationship to develop over time, honoring God with our words/deeds/thoughts -- all that takes TIME.

we, as humans want what we want, and we want it now. and all of us have varying levels of self-control and abilities to delay gratification - a fruit of the Spirit.

for some, it takes awhile to believe that God has more for us, "His way" than what we can rebelliously gain for ourselves.

 

[secularhermit]

first i agree with what's been shared here. definitely.

but what no one has said yet, is that finding marriage material, allowing the relationship to develop over time, honoring God with our words/deeds/thoughts -- all that takes TIME.

we, as humans want what we want, and we want it now. and all of us have varying levels of self-control and abilities to delay gratification - a fruit of the Spirit.

for some, it takes awhile to believe that God has more for us, "His way" than what we can rebelliously gain for ourselves.

Yes!

Another missing link: GOD + His will. Thanks Gypsy!

 

[secularhermit]

Marriage.. its like the lotto, you spend big amounts of cash hoping to win, but you end up losing big.

Respecfully, may I ask how often have you bet?

I haven´t loose all (I´m just close to accepting I have nothing to give in turn).

P.S.

Here is where miracles comes to operate in healing.