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Let's take a step back first.
1. Your name is "believer", but your profile says you are "unsure" whether or not you're even a christian.
2. You've posted some odd threads, which seem to make it clear you don't know if you really believe anything at all.
3. I think you also said, in another post, that you were marrying a non-believer.
If you are NOT a christian, and you're getting married to an unbeliever...
you have MUCH bigger problems than the behaviour of your child.
You need to deal with these bigger issues...
Or nobody here can truly help you with anything.
1. Your name is "believer", but your profile says you are "unsure" whether or not you're even a christian.
2. You've posted some odd threads, which seem to make it clear you don't know if you really believe anything at all.
3. I think you also said, in another post, that you were marrying a non-believer.
If you are NOT a christian, and you're getting married to an unbeliever...
you have MUCH bigger problems than the behaviour of your child.
You need to deal with these bigger issues...
Or nobody here can truly help you with anything.
I agree with Maxwel!
But regarding the twins, have you tried spanking them? I know the fad is time outs and other nonsense. But if they will not listen and they are already 5, you are going to be in big trouble with these girls, when they get older.
I spanked all my children. They were never rude or disobedient. They have grown to be very successful and loving people. I have a great relationship with all 4, their spouses and the grandchildren. You have to discipline them from the time they are little, and then as they grow up, you can give them more and more responsibility and build a bond of trust. Just don't beat them!! There is a huge difference. Just assert yourself and be in control. I just wish I could have talked to you when they were little. You have a hard road ahead!
But regarding the twins, have you tried spanking them? I know the fad is time outs and other nonsense. But if they will not listen and they are already 5, you are going to be in big trouble with these girls, when they get older.
I spanked all my children. They were never rude or disobedient. They have grown to be very successful and loving people. I have a great relationship with all 4, their spouses and the grandchildren. You have to discipline them from the time they are little, and then as they grow up, you can give them more and more responsibility and build a bond of trust. Just don't beat them!! There is a huge difference. Just assert yourself and be in control. I just wish I could have talked to you when they were little. You have a hard road ahead!
D
Hi Beliver,
Tantrums are difficult! The child's emotions are raging so hard calming them can be challenging. It's hard watching your child suffer so, but I think at times tantrums can be used as a tool to gain control, particularly when the child gets their way afterwards.
My firstborn was subject to having tantrums. He would cry until he turned blue and sometimes pass out, which totally freaked me out. That last time he did that I put his face under a faucet and turned on the water. He never had another tantrum. Lol the 'abuse police' will probably have something to say about that but the results speak for themselves.
My grandson had a couple tantrums with me. I forced him to toe the line while having the episode, and when he didn't comply I would begin taking away privileges. He could continue crying if he wanted but he had to obey me and accomplish the task too. I also believe in spanking (though I don't spank my grandchild), but I do not believe spanking a child while they're in the middle of an emotional rage could accomplish anything meaningful. Just my opinion.
Since they are five, they can reason now. If I was giving advice to my daughter, I would tell her to speak to my grandchild lovingly and do not judge them for being overly emotional, but do not acquiesce to it. Also never argue with them about carrying out their responsibilities; put your shoes on, take your toys to your room, share with your siblings (that's a fun one!), brush your teeth... These things are non-negotiable. Of course thee are always concessions but don't make them in the middle of a tantrum. YOU are in charge right now. Be careful not to confuse the child on this issue by waffling during a tantrum. Be firm. Children need boundaries, especially during times when they are out of control. Gently bring them back into control by keeping those boundaries ever do lovingly. Set boundaries securely and don't negotiate on the important stuff. Know you are giving a gift to your child by being the one in control.
Tantrums are difficult! The child's emotions are raging so hard calming them can be challenging. It's hard watching your child suffer so, but I think at times tantrums can be used as a tool to gain control, particularly when the child gets their way afterwards.
My firstborn was subject to having tantrums. He would cry until he turned blue and sometimes pass out, which totally freaked me out. That last time he did that I put his face under a faucet and turned on the water. He never had another tantrum. Lol the 'abuse police' will probably have something to say about that but the results speak for themselves.
My grandson had a couple tantrums with me. I forced him to toe the line while having the episode, and when he didn't comply I would begin taking away privileges. He could continue crying if he wanted but he had to obey me and accomplish the task too. I also believe in spanking (though I don't spank my grandchild), but I do not believe spanking a child while they're in the middle of an emotional rage could accomplish anything meaningful. Just my opinion.
Since they are five, they can reason now. If I was giving advice to my daughter, I would tell her to speak to my grandchild lovingly and do not judge them for being overly emotional, but do not acquiesce to it. Also never argue with them about carrying out their responsibilities; put your shoes on, take your toys to your room, share with your siblings (that's a fun one!), brush your teeth... These things are non-negotiable. Of course thee are always concessions but don't make them in the middle of a tantrum. YOU are in charge right now. Be careful not to confuse the child on this issue by waffling during a tantrum. Be firm. Children need boundaries, especially during times when they are out of control. Gently bring them back into control by keeping those boundaries ever do lovingly. Set boundaries securely and don't negotiate on the important stuff. Know you are giving a gift to your child by being the one in control.
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I watched my Grandson a lot when he was younger. He would sometimes have fits. I talked to the Dr. that i was taking him to.
for a cold he had.
I told him in front of my Grandson about his fits, and that i was at my wits end. He replied, that is their way of trying to get
your attention for you to listen to them. They may need you to hear them.
for a cold he had.
I told him in front of my Grandson about his fits, and that i was at my wits end. He replied, that is their way of trying to get
your attention for you to listen to them. They may need you to hear them.
My daughter threw tantrums when she was little. They were so filled with drama, it was amusing to see. She laid lace down on the floor and pounded it with fists and legs while screaming. I have felt like that at times, and wished I could act out my feelings as well as she did.
One day I threw a glass of water on her. That stopped them. When she was grown I asked her if she remembered them so she could tell me why she did that. She said "because I was used to your attention and when you were busy with something else, I wanted you to pay attention to me".
One day I threw a glass of water on her. That stopped them. When she was grown I asked her if she remembered them so she could tell me why she did that. She said "because I was used to your attention and when you were busy with something else, I wanted you to pay attention to me".
B
Are you spoiling them by caving in to their every demand? Buying them what they want regardless of their behavior. If so, you are giving them no mean to obey you. I worked as a childcare counselor in facilities that held children turned over by the state & courts. The age groups ranged from 5-17 and counselors in many cases had to change the "gimme, gimme" complex to a reward/punishment system. Guess what! many of these spoiled children went on a "tantrum" or just a complete "meltdown" when they couldn't get their way. We made those children comply to our system by making them accountable & responsible for everything by earning it, and it included cleaning chores. The system will work today if you are serious about discipline.
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I agree with Angela that you should try spanking if other things aren't working. Something else that works with my two-year-old is to pin her down. If she has a tantrum, I may lay her on the sofa and put just enough of the weight of my chest on her to hold her down without while pinning her hands above her head. If she's having a tantrum and not wanting to obey me, I'll do that and in about 30 seconds or so she will say 'Sorry, Daddy" and comply. She rarely has tantrums.
S
Get some books on parenting. An easy read that is really informative is "Scream Free Parenting"...its a short easy read. Anything by the "New Kid by Friday" guy....I think his name is Dr Lehman....is pretty good. Anything regarding emotional intelligence would give you some good insight.
Something to think about when a child is having a tantrum is that if you push them too hard it can send them into the base of their brain which is responsible for putting them into fight or flight mode. When you push a kid to fight or flight mode their brains are flooded with about 14 different chemicals.....if theyre to that point...fight or flight plays out until its over. The idea of teaching your kids emotional intelligence is that you help them to develop the neural pathways to the front part of their brain where logic and reason are performed. This might sound like a bunch of psychobabble but my 7 year old is the most emotionally intelligent kid I have ever known.
The following video is a great illustrator about the need for "reparations' with our children.[video=youtube;apzXGEbZht0]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=apzXGEbZht0[/video]
Another thing you can try is when they want something, validate their desire. Use language like...."wow that is really cool, I can totally understand how you would want that. I would want one of those too if I was you.....that does a couple of things...it shows that you care about what they want and it models empathy to them. I employed all those concepts with my son and rarely had to spank him....(I think "I've spanked him twice). I do it with my older step kids and it gives them the sense that I care about their feelings wants and desires and its really has had a profound effect on their attitudes and it empowers them.
Something to think about when a child is having a tantrum is that if you push them too hard it can send them into the base of their brain which is responsible for putting them into fight or flight mode. When you push a kid to fight or flight mode their brains are flooded with about 14 different chemicals.....if theyre to that point...fight or flight plays out until its over. The idea of teaching your kids emotional intelligence is that you help them to develop the neural pathways to the front part of their brain where logic and reason are performed. This might sound like a bunch of psychobabble but my 7 year old is the most emotionally intelligent kid I have ever known.
The following video is a great illustrator about the need for "reparations' with our children.[video=youtube;apzXGEbZht0]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=apzXGEbZht0[/video]
Another thing you can try is when they want something, validate their desire. Use language like...."wow that is really cool, I can totally understand how you would want that. I would want one of those too if I was you.....that does a couple of things...it shows that you care about what they want and it models empathy to them. I employed all those concepts with my son and rarely had to spank him....(I think "I've spanked him twice). I do it with my older step kids and it gives them the sense that I care about their feelings wants and desires and its really has had a profound effect on their attitudes and it empowers them.
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S
I think its really about finding ways to empower them. If ANYONE feels like they are powerless or another is taking power from them they will do things to get it back. Find ways to empower and validate. Another good concept is too enter their world by playing with them with the toys they like. Let them be the director.....that you are there to take orders from them. It takes a little time and effort but it can be done.
This takes time..but is effective.....the only time I give my children and now grands my attention....is when they have a happy face...
If not they get nothing from me....not attention...not treats... nothing....I walk away and find fun toys and go play
by myself....having the time of my life.....this stops them dead in their tracks.....I tell them I do not hang out with people
who are mean.... and if they want to be with me a happy face is required.....I also tell them they are good children....
And I dont understand them doing a bad thing.......if the children fight while we play then I take my toy and leave...
If its attention they seek they must understand they cant get it by tamtrums.....if they want my attention they must
be team players......they are 5.....it is time they add to the family.....find them chores that they can do.....
Make them part of the responsibilites .....always give them your attention when they are doing something good....
and always look them directly in the eye....if you make a big deal (even a parade ) for the good things they do....
how happy it makes.you....they will want to repeat the behavior....
I,ll be praying for you mama..you can do this......jo
If not they get nothing from me....not attention...not treats... nothing....I walk away and find fun toys and go play
by myself....having the time of my life.....this stops them dead in their tracks.....I tell them I do not hang out with people
who are mean.... and if they want to be with me a happy face is required.....I also tell them they are good children....
And I dont understand them doing a bad thing.......if the children fight while we play then I take my toy and leave...
If its attention they seek they must understand they cant get it by tamtrums.....if they want my attention they must
be team players......they are 5.....it is time they add to the family.....find them chores that they can do.....
Make them part of the responsibilites .....always give them your attention when they are doing something good....
and always look them directly in the eye....if you make a big deal (even a parade ) for the good things they do....
how happy it makes.you....they will want to repeat the behavior....
I,ll be praying for you mama..you can do this......jo
T
My youngest daughter who is 7yrs old in the past through a couple of tantrums. But the worse was when she whined to get her way. My husband and I really had to pray about how to handle her because she is a strong willed child. Basically, we decided never to give into her whining, even when we were really exhausted. Some kids try to take advantage of their parents when their exhausted because some parents cave. Anyway, we explained to our daughter that toys, candy, whatever her heart desires are a privilege. She isn't entitled to anything and if she whines then she definitely won't get what she wants. Children like to test the boundaries and when they see any kind of weakness in their parents they seek to gain control. You as the parent must never lose your temper with your child by yelling or getting angry--Once they see this they lose respect for their parents. If you find yourself getting really angry then take a step back before losing it. Also, tell your child what the consequence are for their behaviors. That way they know what to expect when they misbehave-- It's very important to follow through with your consequences. Many parents give their kids 4 and 5 chances. They threaten them and never follow through, so the kids have no respect for their parents because they know they will get away with it. Personally, I give my daughter one warning. I tell her what her consequence will be if she does it again. Then if she does it again I follow through on the consequence. When my daughter was 5 yrs. old I did spank her for major things. I didn't resort to spanking all the time. If I was really angry I would never spank her because I didn't want to take my anger out on her. Also, a couple minutes after I spanked her, I would embrace and love on her. I wanted her to know that no matter what she did, I loved her. I wanted her to feel secure in my love-- the way our heavenly father loves us when we do wrong. Now she is 7 and doesn't need to be spanked. As kids get older their consequences have to change because as they get older certain consequences become less effective. My husband and I have learned so much from the way that our heavenly father treats us. The key thing is prayer.
B
Thankyou for all your advice , I'm sorry for the reply is short but I'm feeling really like I don't belong on here ;,/ I'm honest and days from the beginning that I was not sure of I was Christian and that I'm young and new to the feelings but wanted to open it all in with open arms and trust my gut but am feeling like I'm being attacked
D
I can really relate to the 'empowering' method of play. My grandson needs only 10 or 15 minutes of this and he is ready to comply with anything I ask of him right afterward. Not that I do it for that reason... But I can see the benefit he reaps. Only thing is, when another child came last weekend for a sleepover, my grandson felt it necessary to have all play centered around what HE wanted to do! Fortunately the kid didn't tolerate that and my grandson and I had a couple talks about it. I know he listened to me because this weekend he and I ayes and he actually let me lead for the first time. And liked it! I love to watch him grow up.
D
I'm so sorry you feel this way. Everyone responds with what they think will help. Feel free to respond to those who you feel are attacking you and say you don't appreciate that, or don't agree with it. It's your thread! You are the reason we are here. You have your say. It may help us the next time we seek to offer advice.