A Humor Forum
- Thread starter Pemican
- Start date
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What Would Jesus Drive?
Q: Did you know that they had automobiles in Jesus’ time?
A: Yes, the Bible says that the disciples were all of one Accord.
God's Creation
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Who Makes the Coffee??
A married couple were arguing who is making the coffee, the wife said that in the Bible it says that men should make the coffee and the husband asked her where it said that. The wife opened the Bible and said: "Right here in HEBREWS!"
A Woman at the Post Office
A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
"What Denomination?" Asked the clerk.
"Oh, my goodness! Have we come to this?" said the woman.
"Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic!"
Going Down!!
As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?" One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray." "Good," said the captain, "you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short."
Donation
Father O'Malley answers the phone.
"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"
"It is"
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"
"I can"
"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"
"I do"
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is"
"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"
"He will".
Q: Did you know that they had automobiles in Jesus’ time?
A: Yes, the Bible says that the disciples were all of one Accord.
God's Creation
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Who Makes the Coffee??
A married couple were arguing who is making the coffee, the wife said that in the Bible it says that men should make the coffee and the husband asked her where it said that. The wife opened the Bible and said: "Right here in HEBREWS!"
A Woman at the Post Office
A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
"What Denomination?" Asked the clerk.
"Oh, my goodness! Have we come to this?" said the woman.
"Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic!"
Going Down!!
As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?" One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray." "Good," said the captain, "you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short."
Donation
Father O'Malley answers the phone.
"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"
"It is"
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"
"I can"
"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"
"I do"
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is"
"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"
"He will".
V
A man is talking to God. "Lord, how long is a million years to You?"
God answers, "To Me, it's like a minute."
"Lord, how much is a million dollars to You?" the man asks.
God replies, "It's like a penny."
The man ponders for a moment and then asks, "Lord, may I have a penny?"
And God answered, "In a minute."
God answers, "To Me, it's like a minute."
"Lord, how much is a million dollars to You?" the man asks.
God replies, "It's like a penny."
The man ponders for a moment and then asks, "Lord, may I have a penny?"
And God answered, "In a minute."
V
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, I didn't lie to you. Your mom was talking about her side of the family."
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blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Stan, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.
I'm never going to Wal-Mart again......lol.....yea I will I can't lie.....lol
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In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Stan, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.
I'm never going to Wal-Mart again......lol.....yea I will I can't lie.....lol
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blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde. Her friend tells her "go do something to prove them wrong! Why don't you learn all the state capitals or something?" The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying.
The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets all indignant and claims, "I'm NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the state capitals!"
The guy doesn't believe her, so she dares him to test her. He says "Okay, what's the Capital of Montana?"
The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, "That's easy! It's M!"
Any other questions?
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The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets all indignant and claims, "I'm NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the state capitals!"
The guy doesn't believe her, so she dares him to test her. He says "Okay, what's the Capital of Montana?"
The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, "That's easy! It's M!"
Any other questions?
J
God said, "Let there be Brain Humor." Then came out this thread.
Satan eavesdropped the conversation between God and man.
As a meddler, he spreads out Brain Tumor.
God reprimanded him and sent him to hell.
Get Tumor (Two more of brains, Satan. you might get it right the next time, that is if God will allow you to have a second chance!)
Peace for everyone! Goodnight!
Satan eavesdropped the conversation between God and man.
As a meddler, he spreads out Brain Tumor.
God reprimanded him and sent him to hell.
Get Tumor (Two more of brains, Satan. you might get it right the next time, that is if God will allow you to have a second chance!)
Peace for everyone! Goodnight!
O
Following a great sermon on lifestyle evangelism one family
thought they had better do something to witness to Jesus. So
they invited their neighbours to dinner the following Friday
night.
When it came to the meal, the hostess was keen to show their
neighbours that they upheld Christian standards in their home.
So she asked little 5 year old Johnny to say grace.
Little Johnny was a bit shy. "I don't know what to say" There was
an awkward pause, followed by a reassuring smile from the boy's
mother.
"Well darling," she said, " just say what Daddy said at breakfast
this morning."
Obediently, the boy repeated, "Oh God, we've got those awful
people coming to dinner tonight"
thought they had better do something to witness to Jesus. So
they invited their neighbours to dinner the following Friday
night.
When it came to the meal, the hostess was keen to show their
neighbours that they upheld Christian standards in their home.
So she asked little 5 year old Johnny to say grace.
Little Johnny was a bit shy. "I don't know what to say" There was
an awkward pause, followed by a reassuring smile from the boy's
mother.
"Well darling," she said, " just say what Daddy said at breakfast
this morning."
Obediently, the boy repeated, "Oh God, we've got those awful
people coming to dinner tonight"