Help, I Married the Wrong Person!

[Angela53510]

I don't know how many times I have heard "Help, I Married the Wrong Person!" from people posting here. This article debunks this myth, and if you are struggling in your marriage, this is a good place to start. Please click on the link.

Help, I Married the Wrong Person | TGC | The Gospel Coalition

"Gary Thomas has said that the purpose of marriage is to make you holy, not happy. Of course, a side benefit of marriage is companionship, shared experiences, and—many times—true happiness. But that’s not the ultimate goal. The ultimate goal is to make us like Jesus. We don’t get to the final day on our own. Marriage is one of God’s good means to sanctify us and bring us safely home.The belief that we have married the wrong person is far more sinister than we are led to believe. It feels good to be loved and appreciated. It feels good to know that passion is possible again. But all that love, appreciation, and passion will wither away once we get to the other side of the proverbial greener pastures. People are only people. They cannot meet the deepest needs of our souls, even if their words, actions, and Facebook profiles tell us otherwise.
A long-term view of marriage (and life for that matter), saves us from the propensity to bolt when it gets hard or is less than we expected. God has promised to get us to the final day more like Jesus than when we started (Phil. 1:6)."

I will say, I think I learned this important lesson in my marriage a long time ago. Marriage is never perfect, but when we learn that God is even using bad marriages for our good, we might be inclined to stay in a marriage and work to pull it back together, instead of searching for "greener" pastures.

 

[blue_ladybug]

​Contrary to popular belief, the grass aint always greener on the other side of the fence!! LOL..

 

[hopesprings]

I used to be one of those ppl...than I repented

 

[Jamal]

I've known many people who have gotten divorced, and it strikes me nearly every time how right they are for each other, even as they're getting the divorce. They just don't know how to maintain a marriage, and they don't get good advice.

 

[MadParrotWoman]

I think couples enter into marriage too lightly all the while knowing there's an option to split should things get difficult. I also think that if both parties are Christian it is more likely they will stick with it.

 

[Jamal]

I think couples enter into marriage too lightly all the while knowing there's an option to split should things get difficult. I also think that if both parties are Christian it is more likely they will stick with it.

Statics show that Christians get divorced at a higher rate than the rest of the public. It's a very shameful statistic. I think many Churches inadvertently, or maybe not so inadvertently, promote divorce rather than promote healthy marital relationships.

 

[MadParrotWoman]

Statics show that Christians get divorced at a higher rate than the rest of the public. It's a very shameful statistic. I think many Churches inadvertently, or maybe not so inadvertently, promote divorce rather than promote healthy marital relationships.

Oh that is sad

 

[Michelleks]

Oh that is sad

Yes, it is so sad. Is it really true Christians divorce more? I think the bible says, woman is part of man.

 

[presidente]

Statics show that Christians get divorced at a higher rate than the rest of the public. It's a very shameful statistic. I think many Churches inadvertently, or maybe not so inadvertently, promote divorce rather than promote healthy marital relationships.

I wish I could remember sources. But I recall a Barna study where evangelicals were a couple of percentage points above the general population on the stat of having been divorced. There could be a confound with that. Some divorced people may start going to church in search of healing. But as I recall, the difference between unbelievers and evangelicals was not statistically significant.

I've also read that some of these surveys are just based off of what religious beliefs someone claims. There are a lot of people who went to some church event, repeated a prayer, got declared saved and born again, and did not really follow the Lord's teachings in their lives. I've read that people who regularly go to church have a divorce rate of 22% less than the general population.

I've also read a couple of a couple of surveys that did not sound like they were peer-reviewed that indicated that far less than 1% of Christian married couples who pray together regularly get divorced. I think both were surveys done at conferences. It would be good if some serious peer-reviewed research were done on this question.

Btw, a man can also have a lower risk of divorce if he marries a woman who is a virgin (or who hadn't slept with anyone but him)--conclusions draw from a 1990 study by Teachman. (I'm assuming causation, I know.) The study did not show the same results for male virginity.

 

[presidente]

Statics show that Christians get divorced at a higher rate than the rest of the public. It's a very shameful statistic. I think many Churches inadvertently, or maybe not so inadvertently, promote divorce rather than promote healthy marital relationships.

I think you may be onto something here. From what I've read about Joel and Kathy Davisson, one of the techniques they've recommended to get the husband to submit to the wife (e.g. go to one of their conferences and do their programs) is to threaten divorce. There is a blog called Dalrock, a site from a blogger who takes a conservative Christian approach to marriage-related issues, feminism, and other related cultural trends. He has articles showing examples of church leaders who promote the idea that a wife should 'wake up' her husband by suggesting divorce. Even conservative groups like Focus on the Family have examples in their literature of marriages that were saved after the wife did this. I'm thinking of Benny Hinn, where he said his wife divorcing (or was it separating. I don't know.) led to some needed changes in his priorities. Just from reading and watching Christian (or so-called Christian) literature and media, women can come to the conclusion that rather than submitting to their husbands, they should threaten divorce to get their way or save their marriage. Dalrock also has examples of evangelical leaders promoting the idea that a man somehow has to earn the right to have sex with his wife, as opposed to the Biblical idea of each meeting the other's needs.

I know there are churches that hammer on the submission issue. I don't think I've ever gone to one. I have been to church where when the speaker got to the submission verses in Ephesians 5, he read it quickly, said we'd all heard a lot of teaching on that, but the man has a greater responsibility, and then went on to talk about the importance of communication. What I notice is we live in a society that is against women submitting to men, especially in marriage. There are feminists in the domestic violence industry that would consider marriages where wives submit to husbands to be abusive. There are also books written by non-language scholars that basically try to argue away requirements for women in marriage from passages like Ephesians 5, Colossians 3, and I Peter 3, arguing that the passages don't really say what they mean. I think when a pastor at a church gets to those verses in Ephesians 5, he probably needs to tell the women to submit to their husbands. Someone needs to explain it and go into detail. A lot of people have never seen it played out in the home.

I also believe those who preach and teach need to actively dispel some of the fairy tell notions people get about love from watching Disney cartoons and other movies and TV shows growing up. The idea is that two people meet, and if they feel the feeling of falling in love, it will last forever, so you marry. But if the feeling is lost, you are supposed to be happy, so you get a divorce and go find true love. If feelings define falling in love, then people who fall in love with married people justify that. There needs to be some teaching to help people separate feelings from Biblical concepts of love.

There also needs to be some serious teaching on unbiblical divorce and remarriage being adultery. I don't ever remember hearing this taught in church. Maybe I have, but don't remember it. Even when I was a child, divorce was widespread. Maybe preachers are afraid of offending people.

 

[Jamal]

I wish I could remember sources. But I recall a Barna study where evangelicals were a couple of percentage points above the general population on the stat of having been divorced.

There could be lots of mitigating factors. The biggest one, I think, is that the more committed to Christianity someone is, the quicker they'll get married. So, Christians get married in situations where others would just cohabitate.

I've read that people who regularly go to church have a divorce rate of 22% less than the general population.

If so, that destroys the explanation I just gave, about some people being quicker to marry and so marry into less solid relationships. Church-goers are more likely to marry than non-church goers, I would very much expect.

Btw, a man can also have a lower risk of divorce if he marries a woman who is a virgin (or who hadn't slept with anyone but him)--conclusions draw from a 1990 study by Teachman. (I'm assuming causation, I know.) The study did not show the same results for male virginity.

I hate to play devil's advocate, but young adults I believed to be virgins tended to be socially, aesthetically, or otherwise disadvantaged. If there marriages last, I'd contribute it more to an inability to test their commitment to the marriage, rather than prior virginity. Now, I'm assuming causation.

 

[presidente]

There could be lots of mitigating factors. The biggest one, I think, is that the more committed to Christianity someone is, the quicker they'll get married. So, Christians get married in situations where others would just cohabitate.

Nowadays with shaking up being acceptable, that probably does effect comparisons of the divorce rates. Couples who live together for years and have children who break up may not show up in the divorce rates if there is no common law marriage in their state.

I hate to play devil's advocate, but young adults I believed to be virgins tended to be socially, aesthetically, or otherwise disadvantaged. If there marriages last, I'd contribute it more to an inability to test their commitment to the marriage, rather than prior virginity. Now, I'm assuming causation.

Maybe if they aren't virgins on purpose. My wife is from another country. She and I were both virgins at marriage. She's a very good-looking woman and she's a social butterfly. She's not disadvantaged for looks or social skills at all.

I don't think I am either. My mom, my wife, and a prostitute who hit on me once all said I was good-looking, so I must not be too bad. Seriously, though, when I got to marrying age, living over in Asia, there were young women who seemed interested or directly showed it. And I'm not Rainman when it comes to social skills.

I saw a video once about the virginity/purity movement that showed one of their purity balls. The family they focused on had a good-looking teenage girl who seemed to have normal social skills. The people they showed at the ball seemed pretty normal. I didn't see any really nerdy types with tape on their glasses, snot dripping out of their nose, and unkept hair.

 

[Michelleks]

My mother,s generation has super low divorce rate! It is a big thing! No virgin are deemed as dis graceful. I could imagine what would I do, if I would be with another man! I am scared! I married my husband , whom I had a crush on since I was eight. He is my chosen husband. I did not see him until I was in my twenties, and after both parents agreed, we dated.
i think married as virgins have more steadier marriage.
Many families fought really hard, or are easy to get a divorce, because one or both party are non virgins!
I am asian.
my generation, if a man knows a wife is not a virgin, he will not love her so much.

 

[NewWine]

Statics show that Christians get divorced at a higher rate than the rest of the public. It's a very shameful statistic. I think many Churches inadvertently, or maybe not so inadvertently, promote divorce rather than promote healthy marital relationships.

This is such a sad statistic to me. As believers we are to show the right way for others...to be an example to the world of how life can be with Christ. When young people struggle in their new marriages, I tell them the principle of the equilateral triangle. Place God at the top, and each person on the other corners. The closer each gets to God, the closer they come to each other. I truly wish churches would teach this (among MANY other things) in premarital counseling. Since parents are divorcing at the same rates as young people, it would be difficult for many parents to teach their children how to stay married, but pastors should be able to do so?

 

[Angela53510]

That stat on divorce rates being higher among Christians is not true!

Marriage, Divorce, and the Church: What do the stats say, and can marriage be happy? | The Exchange | A Blog by Ed Stetzer


"Yet research found in Christians Are Hate-Filled Hypocrites... and Other Lies You've Been Told, shows that couples who are active in their faith are much less likely to divorce. Catholic couples were 31% less likely to divorce; Protestant couples 35% less likely; and Jewish couples 97% less likely, which in itself is quite impressive, I must say."

"Up to a point, yes. The article finds that conservative Protestants, and counties with higher shares of conservative Protestants, are indeed more likely to divorce—compared to Americans in other mainstream traditions, from mainline Protestantism to Mormonism to Catholicism. But I'll mention two caveats that have gone unrecognized by popular media treatments, such as Michelle Goldberg's article in The Nation:

1. This study also finds that religiously unaffiliated Americans, and counties with higher shares of unaffiliated Americans, are the most likely to divorce. So, religion per se is not the problem and, indeed, secularism seems to be more conducive towards divorce than conservative Protestantism.


2. A new article by sociologist Charles Stokes in Family Studies | The Blog of the Institute for Family Studies suggests that the problem here is mainly with nominal conservative Protestants—those who attend rarely or never. It's these nominal conservative Protestants—e.g., the Southern Baptist couple in Texas who rarely darken the door of a church—who are much more likely to divorce.


And, while we are addressing stats, let me add that no reputable study has found that 50% of marriages end in divorce—ever—though that does not stop it from spreading because people love bad stats. (The New York Times explains a bit on that stat here.)"

And here are some positives in Christian marriage, which means a committed marriage, not one where both partners pay lip service to God to keep their get out of hell free card!

"In her newest book, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, Shanti compiles some stats and conducts some research of her own on marriage, and specifically, what makes for a happy marriage.


Her statistical findings, and the implications of these findings, are fascinating.


Here are a couple of stats that I found to be particularly interesting as it relates to faith and marriage:


53% of Very Happy Couples agree with the statement, "God is at the center of our marriage" (compared to 7% of Struggling Couples).
30% of Struggling Couples disagree with the statement, "God is at the center of our marriage."
She writes, "Highly happy couples tend to put God at the center of their marriage and focus on Him, rather than on their marriage or spouse, for fulfillment and happiness" (pg. 178, Highly Happy Marriages). (See her book for the methodology.)

Dr. Wilcox finds that "active conservative protestants" who attend church regularly are actually 35% less likely to divorce than those who have no religious preferences.


In all cases, notice the active element of the faith commitment.


"Nominal" Christians, however, those who simply call themselves Christians but so not actively engage with the faith, are actually 20% more likely than the general population to get divorced—perhaps there is a link between putting on a show in the religious and relational context."

As far as feminism, I have been a Christian feminist since I was saved. I have a strong, solid marriage of almost 34 years.


My husband was reluctant to embrace of my egalitarian beliefs, but has really changed in that view as his relationship with God has grown stronger. Feminism is a red herring with regard to marriage and divorce. Dependence upon Christ and following him transforms us all. The Holy Spirit needs to mold and shape us, not some legalistic nonsense about roles, but rather mutually submitting and serving one another, as we make God the centre of our marriage, not feelings, or the expectations created by a sin saturated media!

 

[Jamal]

That stat on divorce rates being higher among Christians is not true!

Marriage, Divorce, and the Church: What do the stats say, and can marriage be happy? | The Exchange | A Blog by Ed Stetzer

It is true, and denial isn't part of the solution.

There are two ways to measure the divorce rate. 1. count marriages vs. divorces. 2. count married vs. divorced people. Your link uses the second method, which gives a misleading result. Suppose that 100% of people who get married will eventually get divorced at a random time between the day of their marriage and the day of their death. That's a 100% divorce rate. But, the second method, #2, would only show a 50% divorce rate, because that method is really only measuring whether people are pre- or post-divorce, not whether or not the marriage will end in divorce. (Even if the NY Times claims the best method is #1.)

Catholic couples were 31% less likely to divorce; Protestant couples 35% less likely; and Jewish couples 97% less likely, which in itself is quite impressive, I must say."

Catholic couples were 31% less likely to divorce than who? Protestant couples were 35% less likely to divorce that who? FYI, Jews aren't Christians and most of them are liberal and irreligious.

"Up to a point, yes. The article finds that conservative Protestants, and counties with higher shares of conservative Protestants, are indeed more likely to divorce—compared to Americans in other mainstream traditions, from mainline Protestantism to Mormonism to Catholicism.

Worth emphasizing.

This study also finds that religiously unaffiliated Americans, and counties with higher shares of unaffiliated Americans, are the most likely to divorce.

Yes, but were they relatively unaffiliated at the time of marriage? It's expected that has the marriage hits the rocks, church affiliation will flag. FYI, stats I've seen show that non-denominational Christians have the highest divorce rate of any group. So, it seems that being affiliated with a church, but not being affiliated with a denomination is also bad for a marriage.

 

[Angela53510]

Please post sources for your "stats" Jamal, or they are just unfounded rumours and hearsay!

 

[AnnaBou]

Stay a virgin until married, don't marry the first man who tries make him work at it and prove his worth to you for a long time before you marry him. That's what Im going to do anyway.

 

[presidente]

And, while we are addressing stats, let me add that no reputable study has found that 50% of marriages end in divorce—ever—though that does not stop it from spreading because people love bad stats. (The New York Times explains a bit on that stat here.)"

I believe this was an article I read when I tried to persuade someone that divorce rates weren't at 50%. I had to eat crow. The individual directed me to the CDC website. I don't know if this one was the article. It is one of many. Here are some quotes from a study 2012 on the CDC website:

http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/nhsr/nhsr049.pdf

Current estimates of divorce indicate that about half of first marriages end in divorce.

How to tease this information out of the data available requires different mathematical approaches, hence they are estimated.

Another method used to describe the rate of divorce is to calculate how many first marriages end within a given year, or set of adjacent years. In the 1995 NSFG, this type of measure was used to show that 50% of all women’s first marriages end in separation or divorce after 20 years (6). Similarly, the 2002 NSFG showed about one-third of men’s first marriages ended in divorce after 10 years (2). There are many factors that influence the likelihood of divorce from a first marriage, including educational attainment, employment status, and premarital cohabitation (11).

So 50% may be reasonably accurate depending on how you count it. The divorce rates are still high.

As far as feminism, I have been a Christian feminist since I was saved. I have a strong, solid marriage of almost 34 years.

No one is saying that all feminists get divorced, but there certainly is a relationship between the rise of feminism and divorce.

There were radical feminists in the 1960's describing marriage as if it were imprisonment and comparing it to prostitution. Some of the radical feminists have looked down on housewives who did not pursue a college education. There used to be a much stronger cultural ethic related to women taking care of their children and their families. Now, day care is considered a lot more desirable than it was in the past. And there are also feminists who see divorce as a woman's right if she wants it. Many of the 'rights' that feminists lobby for for women in regard to family law create incentives or at least minimize disincentives for women to divorce and blow up the family unit. For whatever reason, there is evidence that women initiate about 65% of no-fault divorces in this country.

 

[Jamal]

So 50% may be reasonably accurate depending on how you count it. The divorce rates are still high.

As I explained in my previous post, the Christian article, and book it uses for reference, use a counting method that significantly under measures the divorce rate (as I showed by demonstration). Basically, these "Christians" are lying about the divorce rate, and then these "Christians" lie again when they tell people that the 50% divorce rate is "just unfounded rumours and hearsay".

No one is saying that all feminists get divorced, but there certainly is a relationship between the rise of feminism and divorce.

Any man who marries a feminist is almost certainly going to end up divorced. Women, by nature, want strong men. Feminists, by philosophy, want men to be weak. Either way, a married feminist is not going to be happy with any man, not to mention feminism also has a strong misandric undercurrent.

For whatever reason, there is evidence that women initiate about 65% of no-fault divorces in this country.

Not all groups of women initiate divorce at the same rate. You can guess which groups greatly pulls up that statistic.