Men: To pursue or not to pursue. Apprehensions? Fears?/ Women: The line

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arwen-undomiel

Guest
#1
#1
Men: To pursue or not to pursue. Apprehensions? Fears?

Women: When does a guy's pursuing pass the line and enter into 'creep/he seems desperate/needy' territory?
What are defining factors of genuine pursuing vs. creepy? Does it come down to attraction? To a feeling the person gives off? Personality?

I am reminded of the Notebook (yes...), when Noah who is below that girl's social standard, finally wins her over- at first she wants nothing to do with him, but he performs these stunts, goes to great lengths to pursue her and finally it works. Is that how it works?
 
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jeremyPJ

Guest
#2
#2
arwen-undomiel said:
Men: To pursue or not to pursue. Apprehensions? Fears?

Women: When does a guy's pursuing pass the line and enter into 'creep/he seems desperate/needy' territory?
What are defining factors of genuine pursuing vs. creepy? Does it come down to attraction? To a feeling the person gives off? Personality?

I am reminded of the Notebook (yes...), when Noah who is below that girl's social standard, finally wins her over- at first she wants nothing to do with him, but he performs these stunts, goes to great lengths to pursue her and finally it works. Is that how it works?
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In life, I have found that as a man, if she ain't interested, she ain't interested. Period. Forget that old movie stuff where pursuit= good results. And especially nowadays, further pursuit (especially in your age group and younger, although the age is going up) It is laughingly referred to as "stalking". So it doesn't take me but the first hint to leave her be, if I Facebook a gal and she doesn't respond, or doesn't have much to say to me in public, I just leave it be. In my opinion, things have progressed far enough in society that if she's interested, she will let me know somehow. And if not, I've just saved myself a lot of grief. One thing about getting older, for me I don't really get all bound up about it like when I was 20, 30, or even 40. Makes no difference to me anymore. I know what I want and it doesn't involve hassle, not even in my vocabulary anymore, and I'm not bothered in the least. Just my two cents...
 
Lynx

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
#3
Aug 13, 2014
26,698
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I just wonder if some of the women out there are waiting for a guy to do insane stunts to get their attention. Perhaps they have seen far too many romance-comedies and they think that's the way it should be in real life - that if a guy DOESN'T do things like they do in those movies, he's not really interested.

At any rate, I could swear we had a thread on the same topic as this thread a week ago...
 
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arwen-undomiel

Guest
#4
#4
Lynx said:
I just wonder if some of the women out there are waiting for a guy to do insane stunts to get their attention. Perhaps they have seen far too many romance-comedies and they think that's the way it should be in real life - that if a guy DOESN'T do things like they do in those movies, he's not really interested.

At any rate, I could swear we had a thread on the same topic as this thread a week ago...
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Really????????? oh i missed that. sorry if this is a repeat.
 
E

ELECT

Guest
#5
#5
i honestly think most men pursue more openly while most women pursue more secretly just my observation both like a chase
 
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Shouryu

Guest
#6
#6
arwen-undomiel said:
Men: To pursue or not to pursue. Apprehensions? Fears?
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Meh. Fear of rejection is so 9th grade. Reality is, I don't do any pursuing because there is no one I wish to pursue. I know precisely what I want, and precisely what I do not want. I'm not going to waste any effort on someone who isn't right for me.
 
Trailblazer

Trailblazer

Senior Member
#8
Sep 8, 2014
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#8
If smiles are happening and the conversation is going well. I pursue onward to get a phone number.
If she seems a little nervous, cranky, or stuck up. I do not pursue.
Whats a bummer! If she is nervous due to shyness. She may be interested, but I did not pick up on that. And the shy girl may be the nicest of them all.
 
Trailblazer

Trailblazer

Senior Member
#9
Sep 8, 2014
432
30
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#9
Shouryu said:
Meh. Fear of rejection is so 9th grade. Reality is, I don't do any pursuing because there is no one I wish to pursue. I know precisely what I want, and precisely what I do not want. I'm not going to waste any effort on someone who isn't right for me.
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And you know this of someone that you have never spoken with :confused:
 
S

Shouryu

Guest
#10
#10
Trailblazer said:
And you know this of someone that you have never spoken with :confused:
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A lot of times, yes.

It would be different, much different, if I didn't live where I currently live.
 
wisebeardman

wisebeardman

Banned
#11
Mar 22, 2013
4,718
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Indiana
#11
I don't pursue period. no point in it, if I want to waste my time I'll go beat my head into the pavement.
 
Theygaveutheirworst

Theygaveutheirworst

Senior Member
#12
Jun 25, 2010
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Can't I have a conversation with a girl my age without them thinking I have a hidden agenda of wanting to date them?Bahahahahaha The human need to make things awkward.:)
 
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musicguy85

Guest
#13
#13
Sure there are absolutely apprehensions and fears, at least I've experienced plenty of them. Fear of rejection, looking like a creep, being laughed at, etc. I typically don't pursue but I'm not one to say I would never or that I have never done so. It just takes a lot for me to want to take that step.
 
gypsygirl

gypsygirl

Senior Member
#14
Sep 19, 2012
1,394
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#14
Women: When does a guy's pursuing pass the line and enter into 'creep/he seems desperate/needy' territory?
What are defining factors of genuine pursuing vs. creepy? Does it come down to attraction? To a feeling the person gives off? Personality?

it all comes to attraction. if i am not attracted to a guy, then once i've said "no thank you", it's all unwanted and can quickly become creepy.

if i am on the fence, and maybe don't know him that well: in the past, a guy who has demonstrated a little persistence has won me over. it was a one time deal, and that isn't typically the case, which only served to prove to me that my gut is usually right on these things.

if am not attracted to him, and i have said "no thank you" i would always prefer he respect that. i would MUCH rather be in a position to change my mind and tell him such (i.e. perhaps my circumstances have changed), than have him make some valiant effort to try to persuade me otherwise.

usually that kind of persistence just comes off as a guy who won't take a hint or doesn't understand boundaries or care very much about respecting me--not a good start for any relationship.

and also, that is more like me to make me think that (to him) i am just a conquest, instead of a person he wants to get to know better.
 
Test_F_i_2_Luv

Test_F_i_2_Luv

Senior Member
#15
Jan 24, 2009
1,601
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#15
Lynx said:
I just wonder if some of the women out there are waiting for a guy to do insane stunts to get their attention. Perhaps they have seen far too many romance-comedies and they think that's the way it should be in real life - that if a guy DOESN'T do things like they do in those movies, he's not really interested.

At any rate, I could swear we had a thread on the same topic as this thread a week ago...
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Insane stunts?

It isn't happening.

I'll be a gentleman and treat her like a woman. I'll respect her and focus on getting to know/understand what the neurons between her ears cause her to think/do.

If that's not good enough, too bad.
 
I

INTJer

Guest
#16
#16
I believe in boundaries - I have my boundaries and I expect she has hers. Once it is evident that there is no interest, I let it be. I am not about to make a fool of myself and I don't want to be that dense or creepy guy who doesn't accept that it is okay for someone not to be interested in him.
 
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Tintin

Guest
#17
#17
Sure. Rejection had a lot to do with me generally not pursuing girls. I believed that the guy should pursue but I experienced enough rejection with all of the bullying through my high school and TAFE years, so I had the mindset: why would I want to add to that? Of course, there were some girls I was interested in (primary school, high school and especially my uni days) and I let them know but there was nothing there, it was all one-sided. Each time I was rejected my heart was battered that bit more (sadly, not the fish and chip kind) and I didn't want to experience that over and over. So I stopped pursuing. Besides, I only ever seemed to fall for girls who were already in relationships, engaged or married (their men weren't present at the time) and those are big no-nos. Online though, it's another story. I think there's a better chance of something happening if the girl lets the guy know that she likes him. I needed it spelt out plainly, and Arlene did - eventually. The rest is history.
 
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MisterHarmony

Senior Member
#18
Jan 31, 2014
129
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#18
Not to pursue.
Its not the fear of rejection. Its the hurt of endless rejection on top on social rejection because of being a Christian. That hurt builds up a pretty solid resistance. So a girl would really have to put on all the green lights and even tell me that she likes me, and even then I may still walk away or struggle my way out of it because of the hurt of what has already happened. Its tragic for me. I used to be so hopeful about this sort of thing. Until I saw that hope was a constant road to devastation. It never happens.
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#19
#19
Theygaveutheirworst said:
Can't I have a conversation with a girl my age without them thinking I have a hidden agenda of wanting to date them?Bahahahahaha The human need to make things awkward.:)
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Is it the need to make things awkward? Or is it more likely that that is what they are accustomed to, so it's what they expect?
CC is the perfect example of this. I've seen women join this site who were friendly and open to anyone. But they get hit on so frequently they become more selective and less open to the men they talk to.
 
Theygaveutheirworst

Theygaveutheirworst

Senior Member
#20
Jun 25, 2010
707
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#20
MisterHarmony said:
Not to pursue.
Its not the fear of rejection. Its the hurt of endless rejection on top on social rejection because of being a Christian. That hurt builds up a pretty solid resistance. So a girl would really have to put on all the green lights and even tell me that she likes me, and even then I may still walk away or struggle my way out of it because of the hurt of what has already happened. Its tragic for me. I used to be so hopeful about this sort of thing. Until I saw that hope was a constant road to devastation. It never happens.
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Ever have one of those moments when you read something that perfectly words your current situation in life?lol
 
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