20 something

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Rachel20

Senior Member
May 7, 2013
1,639
106
63


You feel in colour. Blue. When you wake up
From 3 hours of sleep, yet your skin is supple,
Firm without a line, kissed by the sun, tanned,
Bronzed honey is the colour, you need no make up


Red is when you bite your lips, in embarrassment
at the desire you evoke, you are the epitome
of youth, of potential energy, multifarious
yet you are kinetic, in motion and sentiment


The women stare with jealousy , you care so less about calories
You eat what you want, your slender waist is a testimony
Your body is determined by your heart; The colour is gold
You are all woman and child. All Innocent and bold.




Soft like a rose petal, yet you gave your heart
to someone heartless, who lost his colours, watched it fade
as you wait for yours to crumble, you're all too familiar
With the grief of being unloved, your depth is too deep
An endless ocean, watch as it dries up slowly. Leaving you green
Watch as it all fades away, the vigour must die like a foe
Wait for him to accept you, Let time teach you to let go
Of all the raging colours, then stare with jealousy
as youth slowly leaves, as calories become real
Watch as he wants the next 20 something.
 
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About the Poem -

I wanted to experiment with a structured form - specifically ghazal and some anaphora thrown in.

I have never taken a class in poetry however the beauty of poetry is how it is capable of expressing itself in a manner that leaves prose and verbal communication far behind.

I allowed myself to just let my thoughts flow.

So the poem breaks away from it's structure and metrics progressively, for a momentous buildup until the final stanza where it is very much a prose poem.

Handing your subconscious metaphors is really fun :)

So I hope you enjoy this poem - to whoever is reading - and to finish off -


Proverbs 31:30

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

 
Rachel...it seems to be your job to leave me weeping! lol

i weep for the woman in that poem...for all those women...for us.

the structure of your poetry is great--

but the content, dearest sister, the content...♥
 
Rachel...it seems to be your job to leave me weeping! lol

i weep for the woman in that poem...for all those women...for us.

the structure of your poetry is great--

but the content, dearest sister, the content...♥


Ellie ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥


I don't think I would be happy to make you sad, but I am touched that the poem moved you.

To know that you get it , that you understand , is so great, it makes me glad! It's not a pointless soliloquy :)

For that woman in the poem, and for countless others - "us" , I can't express what I truly feel in simple prose.

Just I am grateful you enjoyed it and understood.

Thank you for reading my poem.

Love you so much Ellie. Your kindness and compassion in all your posts just shines through.

God bless you

and ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ ♥♥♥ ♥♥♥♥♥♥ ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
 
It is a sad poem - it could have been me. I got the right man. Even with an aging body and lines in her face, he loves me. Here's to the man who sees beneath into the heart of a woman.
 
Oh and I modified the poem in my blog.

When I heard someone read my poem out loud, the word multifarious stuck out as too.....meh.

well the pronunciation part irked me. It could be mul-"tea" or mul-"tie"... Either way I didn't like the discrepancy it proved to the poem's flow.

Also, I wanted the last stanza to move with an absolute rush (hence the free verse) because of the impact of emotion and pain the woman undergoes.

The word vigour was kind of a stumbling block, so I modified that as well.

Modified version -

http://christianchat.com/blogs/rachel20/5770-20-something.html
 
I enjoyed this. It is simple colorful expression; not hard to understand, but deep. I thought "You feel in colour" was a solid and engaging start. Thanks for sharing.