A
(Trigger warning!)
My experiences have been very difficult. I have church hopped over the years, denounced being a christian, changed my belief/religion over and over. I was so lost. I was searching for what religion felt like it was mine. Some felt right for awhile before not feeling right for me. Christianity was confusing for me growing up. I attended sunday school sometimes and my family didn't inform me much about the bible and such so a lot made no sense to me. By middle school my inner self was crumbling to pieces. I was abused by my boyfriend who put so many awful thoughts into such an innocent mind. I fell out of everything. Eighth grade i started to minorly self harming. By high school a bit more every now and then. The last year of high school it got worse. Around 2012-2013 i was self harming nearly every day. I was loosing it. I ended up in the psych wing for a week. After that i kept dabbling in this and that and was still lost. I kept coming back to god only to feel pushed away or turned down.
Here i am again. Going to church each sunday, trying to keep up with my bible studies and balance my hectic life.
I feel loved now though. I feel as long as i keep going to church, and reading my bible it gives me so much strength and love that i have craved for so many years. I haven't self harmed in over a year and my depression has gotten much better. I still struggle with bad anxiety problems but i know those will go away some day too.
Bottom line.
I realized "what if my life is such a mess because i lack jesus and god in my life? What if my disbelief in god and my depression is just the clutches of demons and the devil against me, trying to make me further from my relationship with god?"
That self-realization set me straight.
A few days ago i was out on the beach around 7am. The sun was hiding behind some clouds as i was reading my daily scriptures. I decided to listen to the psalm i was on in the form of a song (Psalm 4)
Literally seconds after i put the song on, the sun peered through the clouds onto the water in the most beautiful golden rays. I had never seen something so beautiful. I started crying and thanking god for everything god has done for me in my life and how sorry i was for becoming so far from him. (photo below from that moment)
That-is why i believe in god.
My experiences have been very difficult. I have church hopped over the years, denounced being a christian, changed my belief/religion over and over. I was so lost. I was searching for what religion felt like it was mine. Some felt right for awhile before not feeling right for me. Christianity was confusing for me growing up. I attended sunday school sometimes and my family didn't inform me much about the bible and such so a lot made no sense to me. By middle school my inner self was crumbling to pieces. I was abused by my boyfriend who put so many awful thoughts into such an innocent mind. I fell out of everything. Eighth grade i started to minorly self harming. By high school a bit more every now and then. The last year of high school it got worse. Around 2012-2013 i was self harming nearly every day. I was loosing it. I ended up in the psych wing for a week. After that i kept dabbling in this and that and was still lost. I kept coming back to god only to feel pushed away or turned down.
Here i am again. Going to church each sunday, trying to keep up with my bible studies and balance my hectic life.
I feel loved now though. I feel as long as i keep going to church, and reading my bible it gives me so much strength and love that i have craved for so many years. I haven't self harmed in over a year and my depression has gotten much better. I still struggle with bad anxiety problems but i know those will go away some day too.
Bottom line.
I realized "what if my life is such a mess because i lack jesus and god in my life? What if my disbelief in god and my depression is just the clutches of demons and the devil against me, trying to make me further from my relationship with god?"
That self-realization set me straight.
A few days ago i was out on the beach around 7am. The sun was hiding behind some clouds as i was reading my daily scriptures. I decided to listen to the psalm i was on in the form of a song (Psalm 4)
Literally seconds after i put the song on, the sun peered through the clouds onto the water in the most beautiful golden rays. I had never seen something so beautiful. I started crying and thanking god for everything god has done for me in my life and how sorry i was for becoming so far from him. (photo below from that moment)
That-is why i believe in god.
