Forgiveness from Adultery

[Beautiful_In_His_Sight]

I am a Christian but committed adultery several times. My pastor told me that unless I confess the full detail of everything to my husband God cannot forgive me. My husband is aware that I have "been bad" but has not yet said the words "adulteress" or "I understand you have had sex with other people during our marriage" but says he forgives me for my "being bad" and "today is a new day" and that he does not want to know what it is I have done as he forgives me anyway. Do you agree with my pastor in that you think I have to tell my husband the full detail of everything in order to be forgiven by God? My pastor says that unless my husband forgives me God will not forgive me.

 

[Jimbone]

I am a Christian but committed adultery several times. My pastor told me that unless I confess the full detail of everything to my husband God cannot forgive me. My husband is aware that I have "been bad" but has not yet said the words "adulteress" or "I understand you have had sex with other people during our marriage" but says he forgives me for my "being bad" and "today is a new day" and that he does not want to know what it is I have done as he forgives me anyway. Do you agree with my pastor in that you think I have to tell my husband the full detail of everything in order to be forgiven by God? My pastor says that unless my husband forgives me God will not forgive me.

Wow, this is one heck of a situation you find yourself in. I think your feelings and what your pastor told you are right. I don't think anything can be resolved by sweeping it under the rug, or just not wanting to know, but when it seems he has a pretty good idea of what it is and says he forgives you no matter what I personally don't know. It really sounds like he just doesn't want to face reality and even if he thinks he can just not face it and move on never having to worry about it again he should really think about it. Just putting it on the backburner and trying to go on like nothing happen may work out for a while but it tends to rear it's ugly head right as everything seems to be at its best, in my experience. Getting a few different view is great to get a better overall look at the whole situation, but go to God for the final say. This situation is beyond my personal experience, but nothings beyond His.

 

[Beautiful_In_His_Sight]

Psalm 32 speaks of "..acknowledge and confess sin to you (ie God)" 1 john 1:9 "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness" .....I am sure there are more but that is all about confession/repentance to God himself (which I have done - my last and what will be my final affair was about 6 years ago). The only thing I can find for confessing to others is James 5:16 "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective" or Matthew 18:15-20

""[15] If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. [16] But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.' [17] If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector. [18] "I tell you the truth, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. [19] "Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. [20] For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them.""

I can't find anything about having to tell everything to your spouse in order to be forgiven and I am sure God is not "held to ransom" in his ability to forgive based on another human being forgiving first. HOWEVER based on what my pastor said I do wonder if God somehow has it as a principle that first the spouse must forgive before he will.

 

[MadParrotWoman]

My guess is that your husband has a pretty good idea but while it is not being spelt out to him he is able to be in denial. God already knows and He knows your heart, despite this you must bring it out in the open. Give it to the Lord in prayer and ask Him for guidance. God cannot forgive you unless you declare it and truly repent - I don't mean just say it will never happen again but ensure it will never happen again. Then you need to sit down with your husband and go over the reasons why it happened and put things right between you. Hiding the truth may work in the short term but it can't work long term, you need to talk it through and come to an understanding. Ask God to bless that important conversation you have with your husband.

 

[Jimbone]

Psalm 32 speaks of "..acknowledge and confess sin to you (ie God)" 1 john 1:9 "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness" .....I am sure there are more but that is all about confession/repentance to God himself (which I have done - my last and what will be my final affair was about 6 years ago). The only thing I can find for confessing to others is James 5:16 "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective" or Matthew 18:15-20

""[15] If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. [16] But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.' [17] If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector. [18] "I tell you the truth, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. [19] "Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. [20] For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them.""

I can't find anything about having to tell everything to your spouse in order to be forgiven and I am sure God is not "held to ransom" in his ability to forgive based on another human being forgiving first. HOWEVER based on what my pastor said I do wonder if God somehow has it as a principle that first the spouse must forgive before he will.

As far as God is concerned it's between you and Him. My only point was if your husband doesn't deal with it now it will more than likely rear it's head again later in life. As far as God and your salvation go, no third party has a say, all that is between you and Him. My opinion is you are doing the right thing, but I also agree with Madparrot in that it would really be in your husbands best interest to put it all on the table now then move forward, but you can't MAKE him listen. Good luck with the whole thing and I'll pray for you to find the way through His name.

 

[Angelique]

According to God you and your husband are one. Like the body of Christ. To hold back truth from one member of your unity in Christ is to bring darkness into a union created to be in the light. It holds back Gods blessings and healing..

 

[Beautiful_In_His_Sight]

My guess is that your husband has a pretty good idea but while it is not being spelt out to him he is able to be in denial. God already knows and He knows your heart, despite this you must bring it out in the open. Give it to the Lord in prayer and ask Him for guidance. God cannot forgive you unless you declare it and truly repent - I don't mean just say it will never happen again but ensure it will never happen again. Then you need to sit down with your husband and go over the reasons why it happened and put things right between you. Hiding the truth may work in the short term but it can't work long term, you need to talk it through and come to an understanding. Ask God to bless that important conversation you have with your husband.

I have already covered with him some of the reasons why it happened. Some of the "contributing" factors we can (and are) working on for eg ensuring we have a prayer/bible time at least some part of 3 evenings a week. Other things we are unable to "put right". I have a history of sexual abuse. I have had help from the church and have had professional psycho sexual therapy. I have asked God privately and in "alter call" type forums over and over again to heal those wounds in me etc and yet it is still like a PTSD response. Some of my "adultery" was just more abusers coming to me and abusing. Other parts of it were me trying to "fix myself" so that I could be "fixed" for my marriage - I was hoping that if I could learn to respond sexually when with someone who "knew what they were doing" it would break down the barriers in me and that I would then be free to be sexually open with my husband. Some of it was to do anything at all that would distract me from my overwhelming urge to end my life. Lots of "reasons" lots of "contributing factors" but regardless of all of that no "excuses" and still fully, wholly, completely my sin.

As well as raising the question on here I am seeking guidance from a female elder at my church, she is currently praying about the situation. I am praying that just like when Mary had to tell Joseph.....God had already prepared Joseph's heart to be able to deal with the information. I am praying that if I do indeed have to once again ride rough-shod over my husbands express wishes "not to know" and for the self-centered sake of ensuring that I can be restored to Christ force him to listen to every detail of every man that I can remember that my husband will be supported enough from within the church to be able to withstand the devastation and that we can come to a place of healing.

The stakes are high. I do not "have" to tell. I have not been "caught". We have a young son who has already come from one broken home and the last thing he needs is for myself and my husband to give him another broken home. However, my absolute primary relationship that is most important above all others (even though I have always loved my husband and love him more now than ever before) is between myself and God.

 

[Beautiful_In_His_Sight]

According to God you and your husband are one. Like the body of Christ. To hold back truth from one member of your unity in Christ is to bring darkness into a union created to be in the light. It holds back Gods blessings and healing..

He has recently given us great blessing in the shape of a son. He has brought me healing in the shape of (amongst other things) my desperate prayer that he would turn my heart of stone back into a heart of flesh. He also brought me peace on this adultery matter via an alter call at which I said to Him "Lord if there is ANY possible way for you to forgive me without me having to destroy my husband by telling him then please, in your mercy, forgive". I felt "release" but asked Him for confirmation and the Pastor who was leading then said "whatever you have said to God here today he wants you to know it is finished, the matter is closed, it is done with (or words to that effect)" and I went from there feeling as if I really was allowed a fresh start. However, the words from my pastor (spoken maybe nearly 10 years ago) kept eating at that feeling and I re-started to wonder was it really possible to be completely forgiven by God if I had not been forgiven by my husband and in order for my husband to have a chance to forgive he would need to know as much detail of everyone as I could possibly remember (and I really do not remember every detail of everything, it has been an abuse period over a nearly 30 year time span).

 

[psychomom]

I am a Christian but committed adultery several times. My pastor told me that unless I confess the full detail of everything to my husband God cannot forgive me. My husband is aware that I have "been bad" but has not yet said the words "adulteress" or "I understand you have had sex with other people during our marriage" but says he forgives me for my "being bad" and "today is a new day" and that he does not want to know what it is I have done as he forgives me anyway. Do you agree with my pastor in that you think I have to tell my husband the full detail of everything in order to be forgiven by God? My pastor says that unless my husband forgives me God will not forgive me.

Beautiful...it sounds like your husband would rather not hear the gory details...(who would? )

i don't know him, and so have of way of knowing if he's in denial...

but i am sorry for your past suffering.

this may be a minority opinion, but what i see in Scripture is that God in Christ has completely forgiven all our sins.
no 'ifs, ands, or buts' about it.

you have repented before your Father and your husband, right?

God will never bring it up again.

forgive me if i'm not understanding properly. ♥
ellie

 

[Beautiful_In_His_Sight]

Beautiful...it sounds like your husband would rather not hear the gory details...(who would? )

i don't know him, and so have of way of knowing if he's in denial...

but i am sorry for your past suffering.

this may be a minority opinion, but what i see in Scripture is that God in Christ has completely forgiven all our sins.
no 'ifs, ands, or buts' about it.

you have repented before your Father and your husband, right?

God will never bring it up again.

forgive me if i'm not understanding properly. ♥
ellie

Yes I have repented before God and before my husband. I have said to my husband I have sinned against you and against God, I am guilty, I am sorry for the barrier it has put between us and the pain that even the fact you now have a little knowledge has caused you let alone the pain and devastation it will cause you and everyone if I have to force you to listen to me say the actual words of what I have done and go into the full detail.

I do not know if he is "in denial" - he is not denying that I have been unfaithful even though he has not yet said the word "unfaithful"....he has asked me things like "did you do it in this house" to which I replied "some of it".......he has said "you know it is wrong now so wont do it again" to which I replied "I knew it was wrong then but did it anyway" to which he asked "why" and my response was "there are many contributing factors some of which are" a) I was suicidal and was doing anything to distract me from that simply to stay alive b) I was hoping that if I could learn to respond that I could bring that back into our marriage and "fix" our sex c) unless you understand how long term sexual abuse warps the mind particularly in "children" - I was age 13-15 ish when it finally culminated in rape you will not understand how it was next to impossible for me to say "no" when men made it clear they wanted it from me, I considered it my "job", "purpose", "function" and when you feel "dirty to the marrow of your bones" you think "what's one more, I am doomed anyway".

So surely in all of that he must really have some idea that I am talking adultery. However, he has only had a very short time to start to "process" this new info and so as time goes on I do not know if he will ask for more. I am sure though that if I can come to peace with it, knowing that God and I are OK and knowing absolutely for sure that God does not say I have to tell my hubby every detail that hubby will go back to "life as normal".....it is the fact that I am currently not able to "let it go" which is keeping it "live" in our household.

 

[tourist]

Yes I have repented before God and before my husband. I have said to my husband I have sinned against you and against God, I am guilty, I am sorry for the barrier it has put between us and the pain that even the fact you now have a little knowledge has caused you let alone the pain and devastation it will cause you and everyone if I have to force you to listen to me say the actual words of what I have done and go into the full detail.

I do not know if he is "in denial" - he is not denying that I have been unfaithful even though he has not yet said the word "unfaithful"....he has asked me things like "did you do it in this house" to which I replied "some of it".......he has said "you know it is wrong now so wont do it again" to which I replied "I knew it was wrong then but did it anyway" to which he asked "why" and my response was "there are many contributing factors some of which are" a) I was suicidal and was doing anything to distract me from that simply to stay alive b) I was hoping that if I could learn to respond that I could bring that back into our marriage and "fix" our sex c) unless you understand how long term sexual abuse warps the mind particularly in "children" - I was age 13-15 ish when it finally culminated in rape you will not understand how it was next to impossible for me to say "no" when men made it clear they wanted it from me, I considered it my "job", "purpose", "function" and when you feel "dirty to the marrow of your bones" you think "what's one more, I am doomed anyway".

So surely in all of that he must really have some idea that I am talking adultery. However, he has only had a very short time to start to "process" this new info and so as time goes on I do not know if he will ask for more. I am sure though that if I can come to peace with it, knowing that God and I are OK and knowing absolutely for sure that God does not say I have to tell my hubby every detail that hubby will go back to "life as normal".....it is the fact that I am currently not able to "let it go" which is keeping it "live" in our household.

Your husband is not naïve or delusional and knows for certain that you are talking about adultery. It seems to me that you are in the one who is denial by rationalizing your behavior. Your husband's life will never be back to 'normal'. I am sure that God has forgiven you and your husband is a saint for giving you another chance. Yes, you do indeed need to let it go but this may take considerable time. What is now part of your character that was lacking before that will prevent unfaithfulness to once again rear its ugly head and disrupt your marriage even further?

 

[Beautiful_In_His_Sight]

My husband is at an absolute loss as to be able to understand WHY I cannot just accept the forgiveness he has given me. I told him it was because (and he would be the first to admit this) he is not a strong spiritual man and whilst he may indeed be able to forgive me I cannot trust him enough (yet) for spiritual leadership and to know for sure that I really am OK with God if I do not tell hubby the full detail of my sin. I have asked him "how can you blanket forgive me when you do not know what I have actually done?" His response is "it is a new day, the past is in the past, you are not going to do it now (which is true as all the "reasons" I did it are no longer there) and I forgive you.

 

[Beautiful_In_His_Sight]

What is now part of your character that was lacking before that will prevent unfaithfulness to once again rear its ugly head and disrupt your marriage even further?

a) I am no longer suicidal - the reason for that has been removed by the fact we now have a son b) I have established that I am not able to "respond" in sex even with an "experienced" partner so my hope of "learning how to respond in order to bring that into my husband and my sex life" is no longer valid and therefore there is no requirement for further adultery. c) God did bring me to one place of massive healing a few years back in the fact He gave me the ability to finally say "no" and stand up to a man wanting sex d) I am aware it might be a "weak" area for me and have removed myself from some of the "sources" where men may be able to "access" me.

 

[psychomom]

...it is the fact that I am currently not able to "let it go" which is keeping it "live" in our household.

dear sister, sounds like a case of spiritual amnesia.
(i recognize it because i have it so frequently! )

1 John 1:9
If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

Jesus forgave the adulterous woman brought to Him for stoning.
Jesus forgave the woman at the well with many 'husbands'.

It's okay, Beautiful...you can safely believe the Gospel.
i understand the difficulty of 'letting it go'...

i'm praying for you, that God will increase your faith to simply believe Him. ♥

 

[tourist]

a) I am no longer suicidal - the reason for that has been removed by the fact we now have a son b) I have established that I am not able to "respond" in sex even with an "experienced" partner so my hope of "learning how to respond in order to bring that into my husband and my sex life" is no longer valid and therefore there is no requirement for further adultery. c) God did bring me to one place of massive healing a few years back in the fact He gave me the ability to finally say "no" and stand up to a man wanting sex d) I am aware it might be a "weak" area for me and have removed myself from some of the "sources" where men may be able to "access" me.

I am sorry if I came off as harsh in my reply to you but I am a strong believe in fidelity in marriage. God has forgiven you and so has your husband and I wish you the best for your marriage. I believe that you are having a problem in believing that you actually have been forgiven and that will require prayer and reflection. I will say a prayer of healing for your marriage and for you in particular.

 

[Beautiful_In_His_Sight]

dear sister, sounds like a case of spiritual amnesia.
(i recognize it because i have it so frequently! )

1 John 1:9
If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

Jesus forgave the adulterous woman brought to Him for stoning.
Jesus forgave the woman at the well with many 'husbands'.

It's okay, Beautiful...you can safely believe the Gospel.
i understand the difficulty of 'letting it go'...

i'm praying for you, that God will increase your faith to simply believe Him. ♥

I have been wondering if all this is because I do not want to/cannot forgive myself for how dirty my life has been and how sinful I have been. We had a guest speaker in church last Sunday and he preached all about forgiveness and "it is finished" and "nailing it to the cross". I am going to re-listen to all he has said over and over again in the church .mp3

 

[Beautiful_In_His_Sight]

I am sorry if I came off as harsh in my reply to you but I am a strong believe in fidelity in marriage. God has forgiven you and so has your husband and I wish you the best for your marriage. I believe that you are having a problem in believing that you actually have been forgiven and that will require prayer and reflection. I will say a prayer of healing for your marriage and for you in particular.

It is OK and to be expected, this is why I am unsure of how accurate my pastor's statement is (all be it about 10 years old now) of "you have to confess to your husband as if he does not forgive you God cannot forgive you" as I am not sure how much of his own response was his human feeling of abhorrent at what I had done compared to Godly counsel. Many people (and I am not saying this applies to you) assume that the reasons why THEY might have an affair (standard ones like "can't help it, lust of the moment") will be my reasons for it and "judge" me based on that.

If it was not for my pastor's words (and the fact that I hold him in authority over me) I think I would not have had a problem believing that God had actually forgiven me for what has to be one of the worse sins a person can ever do.

 

[LeeLoving]

"you have to confess to your husband as if he does not forgive you God cannot forgive you"

This doesn't make sense to me. Aren't we forgiven when we bring our sins to Christ, repent, and ask for forgiveness?

 

[Ariel82]

??? you say that your husband has forgiven you, and if you have repented and gone to God with it, then He has forgiven you.

Right now you need to learn to turn from your sin and learn to forgive yourself. Heal and learn to love and be loved as God intended you to be.

I'll keep you in my prayers.

 

[bee88]

Do you think maybe a part of you wants to go into further detail so your husband can be part of your healing ? My husband had an affair and I have forgiven him and I know God has. I think part of healing is talking about it. Maybe your struggling to forgive yourself fully because your husband is so unknowing to some things. My husband and I went to a family life weekend to removed after the affair and it was the best thing we ever did. No matter what stage you are in your marriage it helps. If yo want more info on it send me a message I can get you a discounted rate.