I need someone with sound, new testament advice on an important issue.

[justamanda]

This is a long story but I will try to sum it up:When I met my husband he was a christian by title, not by action. He has little church and biblical knowlege. I have spent a lot of time in church and reading the bible but was agnostic at the time.I had been hung up on my high school sweet heart and even though we hadnt talked in 2 years i was still convinced we would be together one day. Meeting my husbnd made me want to forget the x but I didnt know how.I went in and out of phases of wanting to contact the x but thought he hated me. A month before I married my husband I was contacted by the x for the first time in years. Not being christian at the time it was hard to discern what to do. I was pregnant and loved who is now my husbnd so i decided to burry the hatchet with the x.A lot of things have affected me emotionally wrn it comes to my relationship with my husbnd. He has a lot of, for lack of better word, skanky girls that have been in the picture since before me and some are exes and all are women i dont want in my or my husbands life. I wojld catch him looking at porn, wait hours for him after he was due home from work, and spent a lot of time alone with kids while he was at the bar or band practice. i started to feel lonely, unwanted, and paranoid.with those feelings i started wondering if picking my husband and not the x was a good idea. i contacted my x and told him i may leave my husband and i wanted to travel across the u.s. to see the x again. he advised me to live out my life.as if things arent bad enough, i was a cheater in the past and have probæems with sexualþaddiction. as i started to feel unwanted and cheated on , i resorted to online means of dealing with my sexual problems. i did not trade bad photos or have extended contact with anyone so i justified that it wasnt real chrating ajd that my husbnd was probably doing things too, especially because i knew about the porn. i had stopped watching porn and all that because i was trying to be who he deserved, and it really hurt me when he didnt see it as cheating. thats how i justified my actions.i did come out of these behaviors, though had lingering wispers about the x. several months since i talked to him last online, and had stoped other bad internet behavior, my husband found my computer history and conversations with the x. he was shocked and devistated and didnt realise how unhappy i was until finding it. he promices that porn was all he was doing at thw time so all of ky fears and assumptions about what he was dping were false. i still felt like the porn, the exes girls and various "friends", and leaving me home alone/ not helping with the kids was legitimate reasons for my upset. I HANDLED IT VERY WRONG, THOUGH.The last two years since then have been a mess. we have two kids together and I am pregnant again. I Now am a christian and am trying to listen to the holy spirit about how to save my marriage. Last year a month before i delivered our baby he slept with his friends girlfriend. i found out from another woman that i later found out he told ppl was his "secret love" that he never got to be with. i think she told me about his affair out of jealousy. he was staying out all night at thr bar, the female bartender his new best friend. he has calmed downn on all that behavior now.every time i think things are getting better he informs we we are nothe doesbt think we are soul mates and he doesnt think we can heal from all this he never lets me near his phone but i looked through it the other night and found that he has been on instagram and snap chat and all his friends are naked women on there, and he contacted the girl he slept with on tye day he left me, but ye cake back that night.When i woke him and confronted him all he said was that he doesnt think we are meant to be.the bible says that God made us soul mates on our wedding day and the bible also says the key to marriage is following Gods word together. I know that with God our marriage can be healed. I want to leave because he keeps cheating and only thinks the physical affair is cheating, not whatever is going on with these naked women. He doesnt respect me and because i wasnt a christian when we got together he blows it of. he is a christian but clearly isnt much in touch with the holy spirit at this time. he is slowly seeking God more but not with readind scripture or church or other christians. he has been on youtube watching videos about the proof of God in science. Yet he has been on snapchat and instagram while ive been seeing that he MIGHT start pursuing God more. Even when I share scripture he doesnt thing we are meant to be, when God commands we stay together. He says were different but I see that our differences would settle by pursuing chriat together.I believe Jesus came to teach UNCONDITIONAL love. But i dont want to stand by to be cheated on, dishonored and humuliated and I have no way of knowing if he is goingto stop the snapchat/instagram cheating. or if he WANTS TO STOPPLEASE PLEASE GIVE SCRIPTUAL INSIGHT. THANKS

 

[kaylagrl]

Well I will give the best advice I know to give.First i have a question though.Have you sought Christian marriage counseling? Is your husband willing to go with you? That would be a great starting point to untangle your situation.

 

[kaylagrl]

My next advice is that if your husband seems to think you are not meant to be together and is not willing to change his behavior this moment then you need to walk away and show him you mean business.I understand this situation is hard on you but I guarantee it's worse on your children.They can sense what we aren't telling them.Its time for your husband to grow up and be a responsible father,with or without you.If he wants to keep the marriage together there are some non negotiable things that need to happen and being faithful is one of them.The Bible says if you look at a woman with lust you've committed adultery.So he is in the wrong.You need to put your past and your ex behind you.You need to care for yourself and your children and leave men alone for now until you are strong enough to make better decisions.You need counseling whether your husband is willing to go or not.There is chaos and confusion in your home and it must stop now.Any number of verses will back up what I'm saying but common sense tells you this is not what God wants for you and your children.Marriage counseling is the first place to start,Christian if you can find it.Hope that advice helps in some way.

 

[damombomb]

Here is my sound advice as much as i can give. Forgive, let the past go, keep your focus on Jesus. Trust him completely to
handle this. Every time it pops in your mind, thank the Lord for handling it. Rebuke the enemy from your marriage, loud and clear and thank God for what he is doing. The Lord is is the business of restoration. he can turn this around like you have never seen. It is the Lord's battle, let him handle it, cast it on his shoulders and walk in his perfect peace. PS, will be praying for you.

 

[justamanda]

Thanks for your replys, it is important to me to make sure my judgement is based on what God commands, not human oppinion. the support is appreciated.

justmamanda

 

[kaylagrl]

A Christian marriage councilor will help you do just that.As you talk things will come out and there will be healing.But not dealing with it directly would be a mistake.It will take some work on both your parts to begin a new life together.But if he is unwilling then according to the Bible you have a right to leave him if he is unwilling to be faithful to you.Mentally and physically.

 

[tourist]

Thanks for your replys, it is important to me to make sure my judgement is based on what God commands, not human oppinion. the support is appreciated.

justmamanda

Sound New Testament advice is, by definition a human opinion. In my humble human opinion your marriage is a sham as your husband does not love you. If he did love you he would remain forever faithful and not seek out other women. I recommend that you get a divorce lawyer. This advice is offered based on my years of study of the New Testament. I am not offering any particular passage to back up my counsel as I would have to quote practically the entire book. You have two choices - remain in a loveless marriage or end a loveless marriage.

 

[jogoldie]

Anything that you can do to keep your focus on God is what is best.....if this is consuming your thoughts.....
effecting your choices ..is best left behind.....we cant make people do right by us......its a winless battle....
We are responsible for how we allow people to hurt us.......a marriage takes two ....both wanting and needing
to want what is best for the other.......of course saving a marriage would be ideal.....but people will treat you
the way you let them...walk away.....get yourself together....and see if he is willing to follow .....staying and
living this way is not going to make things change......if both of you start to put God first and allowing Him
to change your hearts is the only way to survive this marriage......I know your worried for the children....
but staying like this as two broken parents......is much worse than having at least one complete parent...
for now....give this to God....and see where He wants you to be......get peace my girl.....then things will
start to improve....im right here if you need someone.......praying for your peace and joy.........jo

 

[Ugly]

That, i think, is the biggest wall of text i've seen on this site so far.

 

[notuptome]

I am at a loss for a response. Why would what God wants matter in this situation? It seems that Gods interests have not been addressed.

OK scrap the whole deal. Put all the energy into the kids. The children will be grown and on their own long before the parents grow up and act like adults let alone Christians.

God have mercy.

For the cause of Christ
Roger

 

[justamanda]

Roger your answer doesn't reflect Christ at all. I wasn't a christian when I married my husband, i have only been saved for a couple of months and started cleaning up my act 2 years ago when these problems started.

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

 

[beth2014]

Im going to try to give advice based on personal experience.I'vebeen through a very similar situation. I've been married over 20yrs. I've been a Christian all my life but have been human. My husband was, addicted to porn for, years, I was, neglected and raised our children basically alone. I had an affair with an ex. I needed someone to know I was alive, my husband didn't. I left, filed for divorce. It caused him to turn to God, get saved, start church, and turn into an amazing husband. I'm not saying leaving your husband is right or, wrong...everyone's situation is different. What I am saying is, even if we, step out of Gods will, He is, always there, to forgive and take us back. If you need to leave, then leave. If that's not Gods will, pray he guides you in what way to go. Even if you're wrong, he's still going to love you and want the best for you.

 

[IDEAtor]

The Bible tells of the importance of a good friend and godly advice. Of course, nothing is better than hearing from and following God. But, we do need other people to help us in our walk, this way or that. You need a friend to pray for your commitment to God, your commitment to your children, and your commitment to your husband... and for your husband's commitment to God, kids, and you. Counseling works, but most cars on the road don't live at a professional mechanic's shop. You need something that will sustain you, and good-timing words are invaluable! But you need someone who can walk with you. And your husband needs the same. Ask God to show you how to worship Him in the marriage and how to show Christ's love to your husband. And ask the same for your husband.

There is no way that you wrote your whole history with the guy. There are details left out that don't need to be shared on this forum. However, it is vital for you to find peace with yourself (though not prideful "peace." See Luke 18:11). And it is necessary for husband to find that also. The catch is, it is found in humbly accepting God's grace, mercy, and discipline.
Discipline is a word that is not tossed around as much as grace and mercy; but this is also a characteristic of God. It is loving discipline.

Amanda, I praise God for your openness in that you are so hungry for a better walk with God and your husband. I pray that the Lord will break the pride and ruin the evil plans in your husbands heart. And that he will man up and have godly sorrow (2 Corinthians 7:10) and that he will change his ways, to honor God, you, and your children. Like you said, God can restore.

Drop the ex as someone with whom you relate. If you want healing in your marriage, you need to ask God to help you let go of that relationship that causes division of allegiance. Remember, a house divided cannot stand. And you have children with your husband, so do not let that man distract-- even if you could have married him. It is done.

Jesus was honest when he prayed, "Lord, let this cup pass me by. However, let not my will be done, but Yours" (from memory, not perfect quote). Be honest, I am not suggesting you lie about your feelings in prayer; but, focus on what God wants. That is call for every person. Sorry for all the poor choices already made and how it impacted your family. But God can grow a testimony out of the pain. He is Faithful, even when all we have is "not enough." He will add good and multiply that in you and your family. "Just keep swimming" (not from the Bible) .

--IDEA

 

[justamanda]

Thanks for the reply IDEA, I agree that we need christians in our lives to give insight, that's why I joined as i have limited contact with anyone.

 

[notuptome]

Roger your answer doesn't reflect Christ at all. I wasn't a christian when I married my husband, i have only been saved for a couple of months and started cleaning up my act 2 years ago when these problems started.

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

I'm glad you have come to Christ. You cannot unring the bell. You are forgiven the moment you trusted Christ but that does not erase all the consequences of your past indiscretions. You must make the children a top priority in your new life with Christ. Your personal happiness is way down at the bottom of the list.

I do not mean to be unkind but you have dug a real deep hole for yourself. Not impossible to get out of because of the Lord but it is going to be a long and hard struggle. You will be tempted many times to quit but for the children at least you cannot.

You need to prepare yourself to do things that are far harder than you have ever done and really to do them for others and not yourself. If you commit yourself to getting things right with the Lord you can depend on the devil to tempt and test you with all the things he has in the past only with much more intensity. That means you must stay very close to the Lord and not allow any space for the tempter to get into your life.

Now expect the worst and pray for the best. Go and glorify God in your suffering and in your victories.

For the cause of Christ
Roger

 

[presidente]

Hi,

If you want to save your marriage, there is one passage that talks about what wives can do if their husbands do not obey the word, I Peter 3. Those instructions apply to all wives, but may help win an unbelieving husband.

You can suggest some things to your husband. Do you go to church? Is he open to that idea? What about joining a cell group, or his joining a men's group at the church, or maybe a marriage Sunday school class or something along those lines? The idea is to get believers involved in your lives who can disciple you and your husband and to give you husband some accountability.

Remind him it's a blessing that his wife has become a Christian. You could ask him if he could pray with you every day. Include your marriage and your relationship as a prayer request. I've read that less than 1% of Christian couples who pray together regularly divorce.

If he talked about soul mates, if I were you, I might mentioned that the Bible doesn't say there are soul mates. I does teach about a man taking a wife and becoming one flesh with her. It also warns against a man behaving treacherously against his wife in Malachi. That was when men were putting away their wives.

I'll pray for you and your marriage.

Btw, if you post on here, please use paragraphs. It's mostly psychological for the reader. It feels a lot easier to read.

 

[justamanda]

Thanks Roger, i am doing all i can to be patient and to avoid temptation. Had I been a christian at the beginning of my marriage i never would have made those choices. I was caught up in what the world says about love and happiness. I haven't talked to the x since before my hisbamd even found out about it and even though my husband slept with someone else i haven't resorted to getting even. I know that the person I am today and my strength against temptation is because of God living within me.

I just don't know what to do at this point. Two years of trying to make up for mistakes I made by simply typing on a computer, and lets remmber the wrong mindset too. I thought that if i wasn't DOING things literally or sharing photos/developing a relationship that it could be taken back or hidden forever.
Now I realise how thoughts can manifest.

 

[jandian]

I've seen friends go through these situations. God is able.
I agree you should focus your attention on your children. They need you. Your children may be watching, so encourage them to pray with you for their father teach them that is the first way they deal with their problems, they take it to the ONE who has all things in HIS hands(Jam 5:16). Do not speak ill of your husband. (I'm not talking about how you listed your problems here) life and death is in the power of the tongue(Prov 18:21). Pray as though he is someone who need to get right with GOD not just because you want to stop hurting (James 5:19-20). Leaving should not be your first choice, although, GOD is able to restore even if you separate and should remain a prayerful decision between you COUNSELLOR HOLY SPIRIT. Be thankful for the things that are going well in your life, trust me you have some. Let you light shine (Matt 5:16) as you surrender more of yourself to the LORD. Follow that scripture that Presidente spoke about ( I Pet 3:1) said husbands can be worn over by your conduct. Consider that as bad as he might be right now, he may actually be desiring to serve GOD fully but has open doors in his life that maybe making difficult return. Your prayer can really help.

I pray that a great testimony shall arise out of your present situation. That family will rise up as an example of the power of a living GOD. I pray that you will have the grace to endure this situation will it is difficult. I pray that in the midst of it you shall be covered with the peace of GOD which surpasses all understanding. GOD bless you

 

[Angela53510]

First, on the grounds of adultery, the Bible says you can leave. Esp if he continues to cheat on you. (And yes, porn counts!)

But I do pray you will get Christian counselling and save your marriage. Write off the ex, I agree. That is not what starting over is about. Starting over means getting yourself right with God, and living on your own and raising the children, probably in joint custody if possible.

Next time, please use paragraphs or white space, it would be so much easier to read.

Praying God will work a miracle in your marriage.

 

[Dan58]

I tend to think your husband is right, he doesn't feel connected to you or feel like your "soul" mates. His feelings were probably confirmed when you tried to get back together with your ex-boyfriend after you had gotten married. Its very hard to take your spouse seriously after you've discover something like that. You've both been a little two-faced and haven't honored your marriage vows. I personally think your a good match, your a lot alike because neither of you are committed to the other. Bottom line is that you have 2 kids and another one on the way, so how bad could things really be? You both need to get your libido under control, it doesn't sound like either of you were ready to settle down, and that's a tough thing to learn post-marriage. jmo