I'm having a weird day. Inside my head, I mean. Because out there in the real world, it's perfectly normal- whatever that is- and sunny and stuff...but in *here*, it's monsoon season. Or...I dunno. I don't know how to say what I'm trying to say, and it might be better kept to myself. The storm clouds.
See, I have this battle, with myself, sometimes- a thought or feeling will strike (sort of at random, but usually there's a reason), and it will make itself right at home for hours, days, sometimes weeks. I've learned it's usually best to ignore it, but it's super persistent. It's almost always stuff I've got no right to think or feel, and it's rare that I win the battle of keeping my mouth shut until it just goes away.
I spill the beans. And that doesn't end well...as you would expect a pot of beans being spilled on the floor wouldn't...
It's one of the things I really dislike about myself- how my imagination grabs onto certain things and blows them all out of proportion and I get to thinking that maybe it wouldn't be so bad to just...let slip...this idea, or this emotion. But then, you know...KABOOM. Or is it more like SPLAT? KAPOW?
Whatever.
What I mean is, I feel like I have almost no control over what comes out of my mouth. Which is ridiculous, because of course I do. I know I do. But in the midst of the minor insanity that these...storm clouds...bring, I feel very much like I have no choice but to voice what's on my mind.
I really don't think I'm making any sense, which only adds to the frustration. I used to be better at expressing myself, and that was part of the problem. I could express myself so convincingly that I would suddenly find myself part of something I hadn't ever intended to be part of.
It's awfully difficult to say clearly what I mean when I'm battling against saying clearly what I mean.
I think it's time to dye my hair back to a normal color.