This is the ranting thread right? Good.
I feel like obligation has consumed my life and I hate it. I hate that people are so emotionally fragile that if I don’t want to be around them they take it personally. I’m not sure weather I hate that people are different from me or that they expect me to be like them, but so often maintaining relationships with anyone just seems like its not worth it. I’m so tired of feeling like I’m valued for what I can do than who I am. Feels like I’m overlooked by everyone, even God most of the time. And most of the time I feel I don’t have the right to feel this way. I’ve had a blessed life, God gave me what I thought I wanted, why did he make me want something I’m completely incompetent to do? Or rather why did he give me a personality that makes me completely incompetent to line up with the expectations of church culture? Or is church taking me away from God? But if I abandon church will I spin off into a godless void, or into the arms of God himself? But I can’t think these things, because church is important and being part of a church is important. But it feels more like obligation and performance these days. And God is moving around me, there’s not too much question about that, but I feel like I don’t have any part of it, like there’s nothing I’ve done or influenced that is part of what God’s doing. Instead it seems that a lot of my efforts have been invested in something futile and what God has done would have happened with or without me. If all the challenges and hardships lead to something, that’s not so bad; but when they lead to nothing, it’s really hard not to feel like my life is being wasted.
(yes cinder’s having a bad day. No “encouraging” Bible verses and christian cliches won’t help though hugs and prayers might. And no this has nothing to do with anyone on CC or thread interactions or anything so don’t anybody get offended or blame yourself)