Today my husband got his salary. He told me that he is going to let me handle the money this time, but just a while ago, he said that he wants to throw the money in my face. I was offended and hurt, so I talked to him about it. I asked him why he said that. He told me that he was just joking... but honestly, I think that he meant it. I told him that it was not a good joke, and I was waiting for him to apologize. I added that he should think about how he hurts me with his words and rude comments sometimes. Instead of saying sorry, he fired complaints back to me. He said that I should think about what I am doing wrong. When I asked him what those things are. He said "everything"... Those words hurt me even more. I was trying to talk to him, but he told me to go away. He was playing a computer game all along, as if that was more important than fixing things between us. I don't know what to do. He always hurts me with words, but he doesn't want to admit it when I tell him how he has hurt me. He always has an
excuse... a reason, and he always puts the blame on me. When we are not arguing, we are loving toward each other. He is a good man... but he doesn't consider my feelings. He just says whatever he pleases. He doesn't want to talk about this or the other times he offended me. Now I am left to wallow in the pain, thinking that I don't deserve this... I don't think I am a bad wife. Please, someone enlighten me. Am I just being too sensitive? Should I confront him again? I am afraid we'll end up arguing AGAIN. How is his behavior toward me ever going to change if we don't communicate our feelings to each other?
Hi, Honja.
About 23 or 24 years ago, I suffered from crippling panic or anxiety attacks. My attacks were so severe that I had to quit my job and I couldn't even drive my car for more than a block or two without having to pull over and call somebody to pray for me. I actually carried a list of about 25 names and phone numbers of different people and ministries with me at all times back then, just so that I could always get some sort of immediate prayer support. Why am I telling you all of this and how, if at all, does this pertain to your own present situation? Well, in my case, my deliverance from my own anxieties didn't come until God showed me the actual root cause of the same and until I began taking steps to deal with the actual root cause (I haven't had any attacks for 20 something years now, btw) and I'm thinking that the root cause of your own present anxieties may perfectly mirror my own. In my case, instead of being rooted and grounded in the love of Christ or rooted and grounded in the love of God my heavenly Father (Ephesians 3:14-19), I was actually finding my self worth in the opinions and behaviors of PEOPLE towards me. IOW, my focus was all wrong and I was suffering greatly as a direct result of the same. I'd like to give you some sound Biblical advice from I Peter chapter 3 which I believe pertains directly to your own situation as you've described it, but seeing how I Peter chapter 3 begins with the word "likewise", if I don't first go back to the preceding verses from I Peter chapter 2, then the significance of this "likewise" and the significance of what Peter was actually saying is going to be totally missed. Peter wrote:
I Peter chapter 2
[18] Servants, be subject to your masters with all fear; not only to the good and gentle, but also to the froward.
[19] For this is thankworthy, if a man for conscience toward God endure grief, suffering wrongfully.
[20] For what glory is it, if, when ye be buffeted for your faults, ye shall take it patiently? but if, when ye do well, and suffer for it, ye take it patiently, this is acceptable with God.
[21] For even hereunto were ye called: because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that ye should follow his steps:
[22] Who did no sin, neither was guile found in his mouth:
[23] Who, when he was reviled, reviled not again; when he suffered, he threatened not; but committed himself to him that judgeth righteously:
[24] Who his own self bare our sins in his own body on the tree, that we, being dead to sins, should live unto righteousness: by whose stripes ye were healed.
[25] For ye were as sheep going astray; but are now returned unto the Shepherd and Bishop of your souls.
Here, Peter encouraged servants or slaves to be subject unto their own masters with all fear and not only to be subject unto those masters who were good and gentle, but also to be subject unto the froward or to those who were presently moving in a direction which was away from God ("froward" is basically the opposite of "toward" as in "to and fro"). In fact, Peter told such servants or slaves that such subjection unto the froward was thankworthy or worthy of thanks or praise. How in the world could suffering wrongfully possibly be thankworthy? Well, it's thankworthy when one endures the same FOR CONSCIENCE TOWARDS GOD and I hope to explain exactly what that means before this post is through. Peter not only said that such wrongful suffering and buffeting is thankworthy, but he also said that a patient taking of the same is acceptable with God. Again, how can this be? Well, Peter told us exactly how such can and ought to be when he continued on with the word "for" or because. IOW, because Christ suffered wrongfully for us, thereby leaving us an example, we also ought to be prepared to suffer wrongfully at times in our own lives, thereby following in His (Christ's) steps. What type of example did Christ leave us? Well, when He was reviled, He reviled not again, so you really ought not respond to your own husband in the same rude manner in which he sometimes behaves towards you. Also, Christ didn't threaten those who were reviling Him. I mean, think about Christ's example for a minute...
Here we have the Spotless Lamb of God "Who did no sin, neither was guile found in His mouth" and when He comes down from heaven to walk amongst His Own creation, people are accusing Him of having a devil or demon, always trying to catch Him in His Own Words or in what He was saying and constantly plotting in relation to killing Him. Even in his own hometown, the people whom He grew up amongst sought to throw Him headlong or headfirst from a hill or cliff. How did Christ patiently endure such things and basically maintain His Own God-given course? Well, the answer to this question is found here:
HE COMMITTED HIMSELF TO HIM THAT JUDGES RIGHTEOUSLY.
IOW, regardless of how PEOPLE were treating Him and regardless of what PEOPLE were saying about Him, Jesus looked up to get His Father's assessment of Him. What, then, was the Father's assessment of Jesus? Well, it was basically this:
THIS IS MY BELOVED SON IN WHOM I AM WELL PLEASED.
Seeing how Jesus knew and understood that His heavenly Father was pleased with Him and His actions, the behaviors and opinions of PEOPLE really had no damaging effect upon either Him or His ministry. We'd be wise to learn from Jesus' example and to similarly look up to get our own heavenly Father's assessment of us as opposed to being so preoccupied with the opinions and behaviors of PEOPLE towards us. With this introduction, let's now examine Peter's "likewise" in the following chapter:
I Peter chapter 3
[1] Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;
[2] While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.
[3] Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel;
[4] But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.
[5] For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands:
[6] Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.
Honja, even though your own husband presently "obeys not the word" in that he is not a Christian, God still calls you to suffer wrongfully to a degree (if it ever got to the point where your life was somehow in danger, then I believe that you could contact the Police or others in that such are actually considered to be "God's ministers" who have been ordained by God to deal with evildoers - Romans 13:1-6) and to still be in subjection unto your own husband. Furthermore, God doesn't expect you to "win him" with the Word of God (IOW, don't preach to him), but rather with your "conversation" (an old English word which means "behavior"). Yes, as you, WITH CONSCIENCE TOWARDS GOD (remember this began with a "likewise") or as you COMMIT YOURSELF TO HIM (GOD) WHO JUDGES RIGHTEOUSLY, maintain a chaste conversation or a chaste behavior which is coupled with fear (as in the fear of God) and as you maintain a meek and quiet spirit (again, don't revile your husband or seek to win him with the preaching of the Word of God) by being in subjection to him, God can use the same to convict your husband of his wickedness and hopefully bring him to a place of genuine repentance. Honja, your husband is presently incapable of treating you right. I'm not saying that to somehow justify his wrong actions, but I am saying that simply because it is the truth. There's an old story that goes something like this (there are other variations of the same):
A scorpion asked a frog to give him a ride across the pond on his back. The frog told the scorpion, "I'll give you the ride under one condition...that you promise not to sting me". The scorpion replied, "I promise not to sting you". Well, the scorpion got on the frog's back and the frog proceeded to give him a ride across the pond. As soon as they got to the other side of the pond, the scorpion stung the frog. As the frog lay there dying, he looked at the scorpion and said, "Why did you sting me when you promised me that you wouldn't?" The scorpion replied, "I'm a scorpion...it's my nature to sting."
And so it goes.
Honja, as an unsaved man, your husband is going to continue doing that which is in line with his present fallen nature. IOW, he's going to keep on "stinging you", whether intentionally or unintentionally, until the time comes that he is truly "born again" or until the time comes that he receives a new nature from God. I mean, even if he receives counselling and recognizes that what he is doing isn't right, he's still going to do the same because of his fallen nature in the same manner in which the scorpion in the story that I just related "stung" according to its own nature. I'm not saying that counselling is therefore a bad thing, but I am saying that counselling alone, unless it is coupled with a genuine new birth or born again experience at your husband's end, isn't going to ultimately rectify the problem. Again, the best ways which you can help in this hopeful end result (your husband becoming born again) are by NOT reviling him, NOT threatening him, NOT turning your back on God (IOW, maintain your chaste behavior before God and your husband), NOT preaching to him (you're not called to "win him" with the Word or by preaching to him), NOT getting "proud and loud" (maintain a "meek and quiet spirit which is of great price in God's sight") and NOT rebelling against him (remain in subjection unto him unless he encourages you to do something sinful). How in the world can you ever do the same? Well, again, there's only one way:
COMMIT YOURSELF UNTO HIM THAT JUDGES RIGHTEOUSLY, EVEN AS JESUS OUR EXAMPLE DID.
IOW, always look up and get the Father's assessment of who and what you are and act accordingly. If you're doing what's right when your husband (or anybody else, for that matter) is abusive towards you, then just rest comfortably in your heavenly Father's love and patiently endure any wrongful sufferings or buffetings. On the other hand, if your heavenly Father convicts you of any wrongdoings of your own (like reviling back in turn), then humbly repent before Him of the same and make whatever amends are necessary.
Honja, 20 something years ago I began doing the same myself and my life has never been the same. Whereas before I used to constantly be anxious and distressed, now I genuinely walk in both the peace and love of God....EVEN IN THE MIDST OF GREAT TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS. Jesus said that both the wise and the foolish are going to encounter the storms of this life, Honja, and what types of foundations our lives are built upon will ultimately determine whether or not we weather such storms. Your foundation needs to be built upon the love of Christ and obedience unto Him and His Word. Yes, Honja, if you want God to consider you to be a daughter of Abraham, then you need to "do well" (I Peter 3:6) irrespective of how others treat you. IOW, regardless of how others treat you wrongfully, Honja, whether it's your own husband or anybody else, we are still called by God to folllow Christ' example. Yes, we are actually CALLED UNTO such wrongful sufferings (I Peter 2:21), so we really ought not be either suprised or offended by the same when they come upon us.
Anyhow, hopefully what I've written will be of some help to you.
Have a blessed day in the Lord.
