He promised me a baby, but lied

[Cairparavel]

Now if you have a Bible verse to prove that one, bring it forth.

If that were so, then under the Law there would be no command to single persons who fornicate to get married, as they would already be married.

I apologize, for I am not a Bible scholar. Today we live in much different society than the O.T....where in those days you went into someone's tent without any ceremony and were considered married. Sorry, I don't have a specific verse. But men also had several wives back then too and it was acceptable to God back then, apparently. Very different times. I always thought fornicating was random sex or one night stand type of sex...not someone you love and live with and have children with, someone who is "like" a husband in every way but the piece of paper. But I suppose that topic is up for a whole other debate.

 

[RickyZ]

you don't need a marriage certificate to be married in God's eyes. When 2 become one flesh, well basically you are already married, I believe. Sex with anyone else is adultry if you believe what the Bible says. Death is the only separator or if the other person leaves you....just sayin' what i've learned from the Bible. But i'm not trying to come from a place of judgement. I'm just calling it how I see it as it relates to the Bible - the book we should all follow as an example of how how God wants us to live and follow Him. Other people can give you more specific advice...it looks like they already have. My advice is to pray to God about the matter and draw nearer to Him. He is really there for you and loves you more than you can ever imagine. And if you leave him, according to the Bible, you should remain single the rest of your life until that man dies. Then after he dies, you free to marry whoever you wish. It may sound dire, but I didn't make the rules. God did. But of course, someone might say i'm misinterpreting the Bible. Maybe I am. That's why my advice is to pray about it and find a good church to have someone there pray with you. Prayer is key!!

Now if you have a Bible verse to prove that one, bring it forth.

If that were so, then under the Law there would be no command to single persons who fornicate to get married, as they would already be married.

She's right. It's in in the part about the two flesh becoming one. It is that act that establishes a spousal relationship. Marriage is just a public confession of that relationship. You can dissolve the marriage, but you're still and always will be spousal.

 

[Siberian_Khatru]

I would love to be married first, but its not up to me.

It's not up to him exclusively, either. That leap needs to be mutual, and if he doesn't want to be married to you, that could be a red flag. Being married is unlikely to solve the disagreement on children, but it is at least God honoring and, thus, all the more respectful to you (not to mention it would be a display of commitment on his end).

How do i stay with someone that broke such an important promise like having a second child? How do i stay with someone that doesn't respect me enough to make me his wife in a timely manner?

This is really something you need to address with him. If he doesn't already know how much it pains you, he needs to know. Compromises are part of being intimate with someone. You also need to understand that a "timely manner" is subjective between you two. Since he doesn't express interest in being married yet, timely for him may be on a VERY different point on his calendar than yours.

I hope you two can sort it out and prosper together, StevieNicole. Again, my heart goes out to you (as will prayer)!

 

[Standingwolf13]

I'm sorry that this happened to you.

"He said he throught marriage was pointless but he would do it anyway someday and he didn't want a big family, he said he never wanted our first one, so why would he want more?"

After months of back and forth he finally agreed, really. Think about what you are saying because you have made him out to be a monster take a closer look. I can only see the side of the conversation that you present and if this is the actual conversation what you have done is called premeditated or for better word cohersion.

 

[StevieNicole]

thank you for your support everyone, we have been actively talking about marriage as well, especially since the whole dishonest situation about having another child happened. He was thinking I was going to leave, which I highly considered leaving because honestly being just his girlfriend I feel like I have no commitment to him, now if I was his wife leaving wouldn't even cross my mind if something like this happened. Anyway he said he is getting closer to accepting the idea of marriage, but just needs more time, however it's been four and a half years we have a house together a child together joint bank accounts etc.. it's like make up your mind. I don't want another four and a half years ,3 years , 1 year or even 6 months to go by and me still be in this position. I'm trying to just be positive and not willing to give up hope yet. Maybe something good will come from him being dishonest about the second child situation? Maybe we will focus on a relationship and establishing a marriage first and try to do things the right way? But then again I have a hard time trusting his words because he completely devastated me when he lied about the baby situation so it's hard not to think he could just be lying about the marriage thing because he doesn't want me to leave. It's frustrating, it's like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. I just wish he would realize he's in a relationship with somebody else besides himself and its not fair that everything is done on his time frame. throughout the day I go back and forth thinking I want to leave, but then I really want to work it out.I'm just going to keep praying about it and see what happens. But honestly he's going to have to show some action real fast if he really wants to keep me around because his words don't mean anything anymore. Ugh...

 

[psychomom]

it's like make up your mind...
It's frustrating, it's like he wants to have his cake and eat it too.

yes, honey, it's exactly like that.

i'll keep praying for you. ♥

 

[ServantStrike]

Sorry folks, I did not read the opening post carefully enough, I was under the impression that they were married. So I'd agree with you, if the OP isn't even married, having babies should be put on the back-burner.

Actually, telling a woman to just go off birth control and force her husband into another child is just as irresponsible if she's married.

If I was married to a woman who did that to me, there would be a level of trust destroyed that would take a long time to get back. She would have gone from partner to liability in my mind

I have a friend who's wife did this to him. It was pretty devastating. The even sadder part was he had already communicated to her that he wanted to have a second child, but he was in the process of getting their life on track first. He wanted to wait until after they bought a house to have the second child.

Ladies, DO NOT DO THIS. You can't get what you want by holding a gun to someone's head, and using the womb as a weapon is no different.

thank you for your support everyone, we have been actively talking about marriage as well, especially since the whole dishonest situation about having another child happened. He was thinking I was going to leave, which I highly considered leaving because honestly being just his girlfriend I feel like I have no commitment to him, now if I was his wife leaving wouldn't even cross my mind if something like this happened. Anyway he said he is getting closer to accepting the idea of marriage, but just needs more time, however it's been four and a half years we have a house together a child together joint bank accounts etc.. it's like make up your mind. I don't want another four and a half years ,3 years , 1 year or even 6 months to go by and me still be in this position. I'm trying to just be positive and not willing to give up hope yet. Maybe something good will come from him being dishonest about the second child situation? Maybe we will focus on a relationship and establishing a marriage first and try to do things the right way? But then again I have a hard time trusting his words because he completely devastated me when he lied about the baby situation so it's hard not to think he could just be lying about the marriage thing because he doesn't want me to leave. It's frustrating, it's like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. I just wish he would realize he's in a relationship with somebody else besides himself and its not fair that everything is done on his time frame. throughout the day I go back and forth thinking I want to leave, but then I really want to work it out.I'm just going to keep praying about it and see what happens. But honestly he's going to have to show some action real fast if he really wants to keep me around because his words don't mean anything anymore. Ugh...

You know, you're throwing around the word "dishonest" an awful lot. It also sounds like you're at the point where you're issuing ultimatums. That's actually appropriate in this situation, but I'd advise you to ratchet it down a little bit, and to pick one thing at a time to focus on.

In a healthy relationship people are allowed to change their minds, and it isn't necessarily a broken promise. This wasn't like a marriage promise (which is a lot more important than a child by the way). Having a child is expensive, risky, and involves a lot of commitment. So is a marriage, but that's what normally happens when one has a child out of wedlock. You haven't even gotten through the last major milestone and you want to add another stumbling block into the equation.

One thing at a time. Either you leave, or you get married. Then you decide if you get married what the next step is. And just forget about the second child thing for a while. This guy sounds insecure and unsure of his direction in life. If you didn't already have the child with him I'd be advising you to jump ship immediately, but you're in a tough spot.

How did you approach this with him? It's impossible to tell from this side of things whether he's emotionally distant or you just wore him down until he finally agreed to have a child. Either way I'll say this - he probably never wanted the second child and he gave in because he didn't know how to tell you no. Some people do that. It's unhealthy, but some people are that way.

 

[StevieNicole]

To respond to the question of how we came to the conclusion to have a second child, well it wasn't a casual conversation, it was alot of discussion back and forth weighing the risks, benefits, we went back and forth addressing concerns he had, we talked through all his concerns and came up with solutions to them that we both agreed were acceptable. Its not like he was forced into just saying yes. He had the option to say no, we did however discuss my feelings and how i felt like if we didn't have a second child i didnt see our relationship lasting because i feel like i will be missing out on something i long for not only for my self, but mostly for our 3 year old, i feel like i owe it to our current child to give him a sibling for various reasons that we both agreed were valid, and the boyfriend is an only child if that helps some of you understand better . We discussed his feelings and he agreed that his mind was at ease and we both compromised a date we would start trying because we wanted to be responsible. We got finances in order, childcare, made plans to adjust my work schedule, got health coverage. We also talked about names, and setting up our spare room in our house for a nursery, birth plans, how to prepare our current child to be a big brother, told all our family and friends we made the decision to start trying in December and hope for Christmas i would be pregnant.We got all the physical, financial and emotional things in order prior to deciding on this. I know he said he didn't want it at first, but after we talked through everything he said he thought it could be fun to have another child and after discussing all his concerns he felt better and when he finally was ready, he made that commitment to me. The bottom line is i dont think he realizes he is in a relationship with someone other then himself, i think its part of being an only child, he thinks the sun rises and sets on him. Everything that has happened in our relationship has been when hes ready, there is no compromis. when I got pregnant with our first one I waited on him to accept it, waited on him to move us in together, waited on him to accept he was going to be a dad, he avoided me and ignored me and i just sat quite and waited ubtil he was ready, i just loved him and waited for years, making our home a safe comfortable place, taking care of everything imaginable for him, i waited on him for everything, he always knew i wanted to be married and still im waiting on him, I wanted to start trying to have another baby a year and a half ago, still I waited on him to be okay with it and set a date that would work for him. in the meantime I have done everything I can on my part to take any stress off of him and improve our family situation. When I got pregnant I lost my job halfway through my pregnancy so when our son was born I didn't work for about 6 months, I got a part time job at a salon my friend managed i worked for next to nothing a few hours a week then shortly after that I advanced to a large medical spa moved up the ladder made a lot more money and a lot more hours of work, until I got the position I'm at now well I work in a very successful medical practice, in the meantime I've been taking classes going to school to become a registered dietitian. Doing all of this so I can contribute financially to the family and we can live a very comfortable life, i also still take care of everything at home. What im getting at is i have literally done everything for this man, from putting my feelings and wants aside to give him more then enough time to figure out what it is he wants in our relationship, which has been 4 and a half years, i have worked really hard to make sure i am bringing home a substantial paycheck, while still maintaining everything in our home to make his life comfortable... and this is the appreciation i get? Broken promises? And no relationship commitment? What is it you all Would do? Im happy to put everything out there if anyone has any more questions about our relationship. I just feel it is not fair that this man has gotten everything he wants without zero thought as to how i may feel

 

[StevieNicole]

let me also add when I try to talk to him about how I feel like I've done nothing but just sit back and love him and be there for him and give him all this time to figure out things, and I feel like I have done everything and he has done nothing he response was "well I bought us this house so clearly I'm committed" i am grateful for our house, which is in his name so technically its his house, which he has made clear before. he knows I wouldn't care if we lived in a trailer because material items don't mean anything to me, and he didn't even buy us this house his parents gave him $10,000 to use for the down payment

 

[Dan58]

Actually, telling a woman to just go off birth control and force her husband into another child is just as irresponsible if she's married.

If I was married to a woman who did that to me, there would be a level of trust destroyed that would take a long time to get back. She would have gone from partner to liability in my mind

Remember that the (would be) husband previously agreed to another child and promised to marry her. So yes, there's a level of trust that has already been violated. But I essentially agree that promises broken hurt any relationship. Going back on your word destroys trust, and the boyfriend did so twice.

Another remedy might be ; No Marriage, no sex.. That's a tactic that would bring any guy around to your line of thinking

 

[StevieNicole]

I would never just go off birth control or trick someone into getting pregnant. Its not right, regardless that he deceived me, I still would not be able to intentionally deceive him... and in response to holding off on sex until marriage, I'm convinced he just wouldn't have sex with me for months and be okay with it. That's another problem we have in our relationship I want to have sex all of the time with him like several times throughout the week we've actually got into discussions and arguments about it he says that he is sexually attracted to me but he's okay with having sex like maybe once a month, its not a priority. and that is not enough for me. and it's not like I've let myself completely go in the last almost 5 years. Im 5 foot 4 a hundred and five pounds take really good care of myself i workout put an effort into my appearance every day for him, my physical appearance is still the same as it was when we met five years ago

 

[ServantStrike]

Remember that the (would be) husband previously agreed to another child and promised to marry her. So yes, there's a level of trust that has already been violated. But I essentially agree that promises broken hurt any relationship. Going back on your word destroys trust, and the boyfriend did so twice.

Another remedy might be ; No Marriage, no sex.. That's a tactic that would bring any guy around to your line of thinking

That's probably a remedy in this case, but it's much better as a preventative measure. Biblically we aren't supposed to have sex outside of marriage, and it's quite practical. It helps avoid situations like this one. It tends to cloud judgment and make a bad situation worse.

I'm just responding to the comment and saying it's a really bad idea to force a spouse into another child, regardless of what may have been previously discussed. It's a major life changing commitment and there can be legitimate reasons for why someone decides not to take that step. Then again, in a healthy marriage these things should be discussed. In a really healthy marriage the number of children to have should have been discussed before the marriage even occurred. Healthy communication equates to no suprises, which means expectations are realistic and attainable.

I would never just go off birth control or trick someone into getting pregnant. Its not right, regardless that he deceived me, I still would not be able to intentionally deceive him... and in response to holding off on sex until marriage, I'm convinced he just wouldn't have sex with me for months and be okay with it. That's another problem we have in our relationship I want to have sex all of the time with him like several times throughout the week we've actually got into discussions and arguments about it he says that he is sexually attracted to me but he's okay with having sex like maybe once a month, its not a priority. and that is not enough for me. and it's not like I've let myself completely go in the last almost 5 years. Im 5 foot 4 a hundred and five pounds take really good care of myself i workout put an effort into my appearance every day for him, my physical appearance is still the same as it was when we met five years ago

Well, again, this entire situation is off. What is Christian about sex outside of marriage? It's very clearly a no go. If there is sex involved the remedy is either get married or avoid this person like the plague (so there is no more sex).

I'm going to be honest. It sounds like this guy is a taker and not a giver, but it sounds like some growing is necessary for both parties involved here.

Seek some counseling from a respected pastor and try to work this out.


I haven't heard very much talk about Christ in any of this. I think you should focus on that as your top priority.

 

[biscuit]

Unbelievable!!! This belongs on Jerry Springer or Maury .... not CC.

 

[RickyZ]

Ahh the gift of compassion...

 

[StevieNicole]

To the person who said this belongs on jerry Springer or Maury is absolutely ridiculous. I am Christian woman who loves God. I just so happen to be dealing with a really rough situation that i thought seeking out advice from other Christian's would be helpful. I did not plan for*for my life to end up this way, I had no plans on having a child with somebody I wasn't married too, I had no plans on this man promising me a marriage and another child and then backing out on the date we agreed on, I got dealt a rough deck of cards and I'm trying to make it right, I'm trying to live my life according to what God would want, I'm trying to marry the father of my child, I'm trying to have more children with this man. What I'm getting at is I'm trying, so unless you have anything helpful to say keep your comments to yourself please.
Now to everyone that is being helpful...also, now we are trying to communicate a little better, and he is talking about marriage possibly happening again, but how do I believe somebody that has lied to me? I told him I need to see action because his words don't mean anything anymore, how long do I wait before I just give up hope with this man if i dont see action?

 

[hopesprings]

I had no plans on having a child with somebody I wasn't married too....

but u do have plans to have a second child with someone you're not married to....

something sounds off.....

 

[ServantStrike]

To the person who said this belongs on jerry Springer or Maury is absolutely ridiculous. I am Christian woman who loves God. I just so happen to be dealing with a really rough situation that i thought seeking out advice from other Christian's would be helpful. I did not plan for*for my life to end up this way, I had no plans on having a child with somebody I wasn't married too, I had no plans on this man promising me a marriage and another child and then backing out on the date we agreed on, I got dealt a rough deck of cards and I'm trying to make it right, I'm trying to live my life according to what God would want, I'm trying to marry the father of my child, I'm trying to have more children with this man. What I'm getting at is I'm trying, so unless you have anything helpful to say keep your comments to yourself please.
Now to everyone that is being helpful...also, now we are trying to communicate a little better, and he is talking about marriage possibly happening again, but how do I believe somebody that has lied to me? I told him I need to see action because his words don't mean anything anymore, how long do I wait before I just give up hope with this man if i dont see action?

You want other people over the internet to give you advice about whether or not to leave the father of your child? None of us are qualified to make that recommendation, only God is.

And as some of us have pointed out, having a second child is a really bad idea right now any ways. You've been spared another bullet in the cylinder while you play this game of relationship roulette.

Personally I'm still confused why having a second child was a more important promise than getting married.

but u do have plans to have a second child with someone you're not married to....

something sounds off.....

Agreed.

 

[masha]

As they say ladies becomes mature first than men.so he might be 50or 60 and maybe unmature.most men do fear risponsibility.so if you want ather child with him,its on your risk to have but know that if u don't trust him by now, its is not marriage or other child will make him to chage.so know that one day he will live you with your children.some time we can not chage the people the way they are. You are in time not to come to regrate.jane.

 

[DiscipleDave]

Im in desperate need for advice. I have been with my boyfriend for four and a half years. We have a 3 year old child together.

Sorry that is as far as i got, before i am responding. You want me to give you advise concerning you and your boyfriend living in fornication?

My advice is this, get married.

^i^

 

[Keeper]

Im in desperate need for advice. I have been with my boyfriend for four and a half years. We have a 3 year old child together. We didn't plan the pregnancy, it was a surprise, but we actually made things work, he bought us a house and we started a life together. He always knew i wanted to get married and have more children. I waited for the proposal and after 3 and a half years of nothing i brought up that i needed to be married and have more children in order to be fulfilled in life, and that i wanted this with him. He said he throught marriage was pointless but he would do it anyway someday and he didn't want a big family, he said he never wanted our first one, so why would he want more? After months of back and forth discussion he agreed we could have one more child and that was it. I was so happy, we set a date we would start trying to conceive, talked about how we were going to do things different this time, planned financially and everything. From the moment he told me we could have another child and we set a date to try and conceive, the image of that baby we were going to have grew in my heart. I even told our 3 year old that he was going to be a big brother some day and mommy was going to have a baby in her belly for Christmas.... well the day before we were suppose to start trying to conceive he told me its not happening anymore. He doesn't want it. I am devastated. The image of this baby grew in my heart and i was just waiting for the time WE agreed on to have it start growing in my belly. He says he doesn't care about his promise, he doesn't want it anymore and thats that. I feel like he killed something in me. I am completely broken inside and feel like i have already suffered the loss of this child because the image of this child we were suppose to have was in my heart and i dont know if i can ever forgive him. What do i do? I want to leave because i dont think i can ever trust him again nor do i feel like my life will be complete without a second child, but he is a good father to our 3 year old. I just keep hearing from him and his family "why can't you just be thankful for what you have?" And believe me, i am , but i dont see why me wanting to be someone's wife and giving my son a sibling is labeled ungratefu? .... help?

Sometimes the idea of "children" mean different things for a woman than for her partner. A woman sees fulfillment; joy and happiness... whereas the husband may be seeing responsibilities (not just financially but also intellectual, emotional, spiritual and so on.)

The man may be thinking: "Oh my goodness. So what if my child one day falls in love with a woman and she breaks his heart, what am I gonna tell him? I mean, what kind of words of wisdom do I have to give my child?"

Or: "OMG. What if my kid asks if God exists? Or if Santa Claus is real? What am I supposed to say, when I myself am still torn between believing and not-believing"

It's the 21st century. Men no longer have to be 100% mature before they enter a relationship. i.e. I don't have to endure loneliness up until I feel I am a "real man"... I can just have a girlfriend, so I don't have to be lonely anymore. But when my girlfriend brings up he subject of kids and/or marriage; then the fire alarms will go off inside my head... and I will start to think that maybe I messed-up getting in the relationship in the first place.

Anyhow. Things have changed, and we live the way we live today. That's just the way it is. So what should you do? First of all, if he promised something, then he MUST deliver. It's that simple. So if you decide to "punish" him in some way, the punishment will not be unfair (whatever it is). He deserves to be punished... and don't think about what his parents say (all that nonsese about being grateful and all). They weren't there when he PROMISED.

HOWEVER: If you can find it in your heart to forgive him, then please give him a little bit of time. He's already under enough pressure as it is, so if you can support him in anyway you can, one day he will thank you for it... and in the meantime, he will give you so many babies that you will be the one saying: "No. Let's stop now."