My wife wants a divorce and wont even consider trying to 'work it out'

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mystikmind

Guest
#1
#1
My wife wants a divorce
She informed me of her decision on 11/01/2015 and since then i have tried very hard to convince her we can work it out. But this has only caused more grief for her and i cannot bear to hurt her anymore so i have agreed to accept it is over.

After i accepted it is over, all of a sudden she is just so happy and friendly with me and looking forward to the future without me!

We have both had our issues creating unhappiness in this relationship and slowly the wall between us grew, but we have never talked about separating before.

I knew things needed to change but i never thought it would come to this, i never thought it would come to the point where it would be impossible to work it out. Nor do i understand why that is the case, but i do not need to understand it, i only need to see her tears and believe it. Sometimes, even when you love someone so much, the best thing you can do is let them go.

Our love was once the stuff of legends, in my memory where the light shines brightest, the time i walked with an angel at my side and i did not know what i had until she's gone.

The Christian way is to fight to save the marriage, but how can i do that when it hurts her for me to try?

Edit: what is also very saddening about this is that we have a wonderful 3 year old daughter
 
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Sirk

Guest
#2
#2
mystikmind said:
My wife wants a divorce
She informed me of her decision on 11/01/2015 and since then i have tried very hard to convince her we can work it out. But this has only caused more grief for her and i cannot bear to hurt her anymore so i have agreed to accept it is over.

After i accepted it is over, all of a sudden she is just so happy and friendly with me and looking forward to the future without me!

We have both had our issues creating unhappiness in this relationship and slowly the wall between us grew, but we have never talked about separating before.

I knew things needed to change but i never thought it would come to this, i never thought it would come to the point where it would be impossible to work it out. Nor do i understand why that is the case, but i do not need to understand it, i only need to see her tears and believe it. Sometimes, even when you love someone so much, the best thing you can do is let them go.

Our love was once the stuff of legends, in my memory where the light shines brightest, the time i walked with an angel at my side and i did not know what i had until she's gone.

The Christian way is to fight to save the marriage, but how can i do that when it hurts her for me to try?

Edit: what is also very saddening about this is that we have a wonderful 3 year old daughter
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Sometimes fighting means respecting the boundaries that have been set.
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#4
#4
You never mentioned what your wife believes. If she is not a Christian the bible actually says if your unsaved spouse wants to leave you, let them.
If she is a Christian, yes, it makes sense to fight, but there also needs to be wisdom. Sometimes you need the wisdom to recognize when the fight is nothing more than fighting for the sake of fighting, because it's not going to get you anywhere. Kind of like beating your head against a brick wall, the wall isn't moving, but your head is caving in.
Perhaps now is the time to learn a lesson to appreciate what you have in your life (no matter who or what that is) and to always act in such a manner, instead of 'loving' someone so much you try to force them to bend to your will.
 
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mystikmind

Guest
#5
#5
My wife is Christian, but i am afraid if i push that line she would turn from God
 
S

Sirk

Guest
#6
#6
Often times a woman will close off emotionally over a long period of time until one day the switch flips and she is done. This ddidn't happen overnight. While I don't know the circumstances of your marital issues, when a woman reaches this point, begging will only solidify her opinion of you in her mind. If you want to have any chance in her flipping the switch back to on you have to focus on yourself an healing yourself. Time is your friend. No more pleading...no more convincing. Begin your journey that ends with you not needing her. Then and only then will you ever "win her back". It's risky but its your only chance.
 
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mystikmind

Guest
#7
#7
This is my dilemma, and this is why i am looking for help, i want what is best for my wife and I'm not sure that divorce is not the best option,,,, but when i think about having to sign the divorce papers, something definitely dousn't seem right in my spirit
 
M

mystikmind

Guest
#8
#8
That is good advice Sirk, it is what i have been doing already, nice to have confirmation, thnx
 
M

mystikmind

Guest
#9
#9
It is difficult to reconcile 'not needing her'/accepting it is over with my duty to my love, my marriage and my family to try to save the marriage
 
S

Sirk

Guest
#10
#10
mystikmind said:
This is my dilemma, and this is why i am looking for help, i want what is best for my wife and I'm not sure that divorce is not the best option,,,, but when i think about having to sign the divorce papers, something definitely dousn't seem right in my spirit
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It's a tough situation that I know all too well. If you don't want a divorce I would tell her that you take back what you said about being in agreement to divorce and that you are going to remain true to the vows you made.....however, if this is the route she chooses, you will honor it as you would rather have her happy without you than unhappy with you. Thats what I told my wife. She didn't talk to me for three months, I respected her boundary and didn't text call beg or contact her at all... and her switch flipped back to on and we are now better than we ever were.

Mind you....I went after my pain hard and chased jesus as hard as I could. For the first month I hardly slept. It was rough but in the end I'm a better man as a result.
 
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mystikmind

Guest
#11
#11
Yes i have to say that i did not take care of my spirituality before this.... well if i did, this probably wouldn't be happening. Anyway, it is as if my heart has been 'asleep' and the divorce has 'woken' it up and now i can hear Gods council
 
S

Sirk

Guest
#12
#12
mystikmind said:
Yes i have to say that i did not take care of my spirituality before this.... well if i did, this probably wouldn't be happening. Anyway, it is as if my heart has been 'asleep' and the divorce has 'woken' it up and now i can hear Gods council
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Yup....she has your attention now and is in the drivers seat and that is okay. You still have options and choices and are not completely powerless. Woman want an emotionally strong man. It's time to stand up tall and face this trial head on. You can do it. If I can do it....you can do it. Get into a counselor. Get ownership of your flaws and chase the pain.

PM me anytime you need to vent. Find someone you can download the emotional stuff to so you don't do it with her and Don't use alcohol or drugs.
 
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mystikmind

Guest
#13
#13
I was away for a bit, sorry, but thank you kindly Sirk
 
S

Sirk

Guest
#14
#14
mystikmind said:
I was away for a bit, sorry, but thank you kindly Sirk
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No problem. I truly do feel your pain. I thought mine would never end.....usually the way it is when you're in the midst of crisis.
 
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mystikmind

Guest
#15
#15
And on top of everything else, i have my own doubts and fears to deal with.... because, well, i never had any doubt's we were going to be together forever, i had as complete a trust in her and belief in 'us' as is humanly possible,

So if we did get back together, how will i ever get that trust back, i do not want to go on in a marriage wondering if tomorrow or next week or next year, she might do it again!
 
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Sirk

Guest
#16
#16
mystikmind said:
And on top of everything else, i have my own doubts and fears to deal with.... because, well, i never had any doubt's we were going to be together forever, i had as complete a trust in her and belief in 'us' as is humanly possible,

So if we did get back together, how will i ever get that trust back, i do not want to go on in a marriage wondering if tomorrow or next week or next year, she might do it again!
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Ya man. I'm sure you have more questions than answers right now.
 
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mystikmind

Guest
#17
#17
I almost envy married couples who's marriage is in trouble because of infidelity, because then you have a tangible reason why the marriage is in trouble, you have a tangible reason why your partner wants you gone, but in my case, i have to live with having no reason other than i am someone who is not worth being married to, soeone who is not even worth trying to save the marriage, i made her so miserable just by being me

Edit: i even say this as being a person who has experienced infidelity in a relationship long ago before this one
 
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Sirk

Guest
#18
#18
mystikmind said:
I almost envy married couples who's marriage is in trouble because of infidelity, because then you have a tangible reason why the marriage is in trouble, you have a tangible reason why your partner wants you gone, but in my case, i have to live with having no reason other than i am someone who is not worth being married to, soeone who is not even worth trying to save the marriage, i made her so miserable just by being me
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Was she your emotional caretaker?
 
M

mystikmind

Guest
#19
#19
Yes, i did make her carry allot of my load in the relationship
 
M

mystikmind

Guest
#20
#20
I think we started out with her being a bit too generous and giving and we sort of got used to that pattern of behavior, but in the long term it wore her down
 
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