Stressed out step mom

[CJH]

I don't even know where to begin...coming to this chat room is not me at all, but it's worth trying. I am so stressed out with the whole stepmom thing, that lately I have started feeling like I regret my marriage. I feel like I just want to give up, cuz no matter what I do or how hard I try, it's never good enough for her or her mom. I get so overwhelmed and caught up that I get depressed and then my other children and my marriage suffer because of it.

 

[damombomb]

How long have you been married?

 

[CJH]

Going on 12 years

 

[damombomb]

Kids are unruly these days.

 

[CJH]

I believe in most cases, kids become who their parents are. In this case I'm parenting my husbands ex wife! It has been a struggle most of our marriage, but the past 3 years have been very, very, very hard.

 

[damombomb]

You have a good point.

 

[Sirk]

Just a guess but it sounds like you got sucked in to other peoples emotions instead of being responsible for your own and processing your painful ones in assertive, honest, boundary conscious ways.

 

[mystikmind]

Children, especially teenagers can put their mothers through hell. It can be a far worse ordeal than what many women would normally divorce a husband for! This can be true for mom's or step mom's.

As a man being divorced by his wife, i do secretly admire the idea that women cannot simply run away from all their problems - children!!!! Imagine if people treated marriage as much of a serious relationship as they have with their children, food for thought?

 

[CJH]

I guess I couldn't totally deny that. I am a people pleaser...everyone else's feelings are always more important than mine, that's just my attitude since I can remember. I have never struggled like this before though, I don't understand why I can't overcome these feelings of just wanting to give up and not deal with it anymore. The struggle has brought me closer in relationship to God, but it's breaking me down and my marriage.

 

[mystikmind]

I guess I couldn't totally deny that. I am a people pleaser...everyone else's feelings are always more important than mine, that's just my attitude since I can remember. I have never struggled like this before though, I don't understand why I can't overcome these feelings of just wanting to give up and not deal with it anymore. The struggle has brought me closer in relationship to God, but it's breaking me down and my marriage.

Again, as a man being divorced by his wife, i have not sat idly by like i did before she told me it is over. I have done so much research online, counseling, books, videos, renewing my relationship with God, and i have discovered that there is just so much knowledge and wisdom to be found out there, on any issue, you just have to look. Remember, your not the only one who has gone through what you are going through now, and you are not the only one looking for answers/help, and help is out there (and up there) in abundance!

I would bet you could even find a discussion forum online dedicated for step mom's and dad's, if anyone here knows one, do tell? I am just guessing here, but i would imagine other step parents would make a fantastic ongoing support group?

 

[Sirk]

I guess I couldn't totally deny that. I am a people pleaser...everyone else's feelings are always more important than mine, that's just my attitude since I can remember. I have never struggled like this before though, I don't understand why I can't overcome these feelings of just wanting to give up and not deal with it anymore. The struggle has brought me closer in relationship to God, but it's breaking me down and my marriage.

Unprocessed pain leads to anger anxiety and depression. Sounds like your tank is empty.

 

[jogoldie]

I have been a step mom......and I understand.......and I survived.....But there is a way....my step children have a special place in my heart......From what I can tell......the child must be a teen or preteen.....The mother looms by.....waiting for you to dosomething wrong....critizing.....the good guy.....in everyone's eyes.....or so you think....maybe making comments.....the child is stubborn and quick to let you know you are not her mother.....How am I doing so far......which probably brings you to her father seeking support and to be on your side.....only to find he defends ....probably both of them........cause he doesn't want to deal with it......or be in the middleof two.....or should I say three women......pretty much sums it up.....I'm sure there is more.......Now.....what to do???? You are gonna have to get some new perspective........Of course we do this Gods way....thanking Him for keeping your peace......The child.....her actions are not what she feels.........She is in a position that is dead center of three adults.....she feels like if she loves you.....if she becomesyour friend..... like she wishes she could....she will be betraying her mother......she wants to like you....butthe last thing she can do is hurt her mom.......so she can't .......she is angry....dad can't help.....anywhere thatpoor guy turns he is just taking sides.....he has three woman to duck......stay out of the line of fire......and pray for peace......and there is you.....hurt...feeling alone....probably doing all the stuff ....running in circleshoping someone notices ....you always come out looking like the bad guy......and all you really wanted....was just for everyone to get along......finally.....his ex.....he couldn't deal with her....that's why he is not married to her.....she isso threatened by you......but you could be Minnie mouse....and she would still not like you.....you are living her life....and you got her husband ......there's no way your getting her baby......so she is hurt.....betrayed...angry...jealous....So think of those things.....see its not easy for anyone.....and maybe....if you try special time with her....ask her to helpyou with food shopping.....she will break...eventually....I know this is long....sorry....I just want you to know......that was my life......and she did come around .......but she can't until she is old enough to know its OK to love you.......help her.... be patient......look what others must begoing through and then you can handle things with understanding and not hurt feelings......peace....and love for you sister...jo

 

[CJH]

Wow! That's pretty close! Thank you for taking the time to reply Jo. It helps just knowing that other people know what it feels like. I have a Friend who has a step daughter, but things seem so good for them, and if it's not she can just let things go so much better than I can. I feel like a complete failure and it just weighs on me, then I feel guilty when I throw my hands up and say I'm done trying. I don't want our last few years with her living at home to be bad, ugly, hurtful. I want to enjoy them, with her. I want her to know that I love her so much!

 

[pwrnJC]

whatever happened to old fashioned sit down and tell it like it is? This calls for a meeting of the minds, all parties involved..openly, honestly and to the point...get your point across..get the support of your spouse and go from there. You are not the government, live in maid, mom, counselor, accountant, landscaper, cook, and more while others share NOTHING but demands on you. There is definitely something wrong with this picture. You are surrendering power over to others that apparently have NO appreciation for you or your time and talents. You have to toot your own horn and begin to dictate a little responsibility onto others. Your sanity depends on it.

 

[jogoldie]

Wow! That's pretty close! Thank you for taking the time to reply Jo. It helps just knowing that other people know what it feels like. I have a Friend who has a step daughter, but things seem so good for them, and if it's not she can just let things go so much better than I can. I feel like a complete failure and it just weighs on me, then I feel guilty when I throw my hands up and say I'm done trying. I don't want our last few years with her living at home to be bad, ugly, hurtful. I want to enjoy them, with her. I want her to know that I love her so much!

I guess that depends on the ex......your friend might have a grown up one she's dealing with.....
When my oldest daughter had to visit her fathers house with a step mom I made sure her and I
got along for my daughters sake.....I called and started to have a open communication and whether she
liked it or not.....my daughters happiness was the most important thing......I told her that we were
co parenting and we needed to keep an open dialogue......you must find peace....besides looks are deceiving.....it might look like they are having an easy go of it......but I'm sure the struggles are there....you really should addresss this .....because this poor kid is going to.... if she hasn't already
effect her grades .....and worse......teen girls are an odd breed.....they are extreme and emotional....
Of course when I was a teen .......I was the good one....lol.........seriously ......if you need to talk .....you can pm me any time ....I can be a shoulder.......you are doing your best......and no one can ask for more......peace and love....jo

 

[Sirk]

My stepson has aspergers and ocd. On top of that his love language is gifts. So not only is he a typical teenager where everything is about him but it is magnified by about 20 because of the ocd and aspergers. He pretty much thinks that EVERYTHING is his for the taking. If I lock my shop and tell him to stay out of my tools, he breaks in and takea my tools anyway.

As you might imagine, it feels very disrespectful coupled with the fact that he makes a mess wherever he goes and not just little ones....he's 14 and has been pretty destructive. With all that being said, I got really angry and was walking around at about a 5 out of 10 on the anger scale and the littlest things set me off. As a result of my getting stuck in an anger/pain cycle my wife and I separated for about 4 months....no contact.

I went on on a journey of learning to identify pain and processing it on healthy assertive ways....so fast forward to today. I come home and he has decided to take my computer and claim it as his own and sets it up. Immediately I recognize pain in myself....I feel disrespected and used so I go in my room and I pray and wait for mom to get home. When she gets home I walk out where they are and I say "hi guys, I've got something that is really bothering me and I would like to share it with you both if I could. If now is not a good time I understand but I need to in the very near future because I don't want to feel disconnected from my family". They said sure....now is good.

So I started with "I feel used". The boy asks why. I say, "well first of all, my heart and goals for you are for you to be hsppy and have nice things and for us to have a close connected relationship and it hurts me when you take mine without asking..,.especially when I ask you to help out around the house and you complain about that but it seems so easy for you to take my stuff and get into my things without permission. My heart really hurts right now because I so much want the best for you but it feels like you don't care about me at all and are just using me...,,I know that's not true, but that is how your actions cause me to feel".

I hane to say that since that day our relationship has been better and I didn't get stuck in the pain cycle. When it happens, I just calmly and respectfully remind him that I'm feeling a bit used and taken for granted and we turn it right around back to connectedness. The goal should always be to stay connected on the midst of conflict.

Hope this helps some.

 

[CJH]

These are both great ideas, our situation is a bit odd...I used to be friends with "ex". I am a completely different person than she is, but I made it work thinking it was the best for our daughter as I'm sure she made it work too (I know it took both of us)This actually made things worse, cuz I am a very passive person and she is very controlling and outspoken, so I let her manipulate me daily...long story short, I finally had enough and didn't have an ounce of grace and I blew up one day and told her about herself. I have since apologized, but our relationship has changed. I still feel horrible for what I did. The biggest problem is our daughter is her mom through and through, which makes it even harder. I pray for "ex" all the time, I know that she is not happy and because of that she wants everyone around her to be miserable too. I pray that she can be happy soon before all her children turn out to be unhappy no matter what anyone does for them. It has to be miserable to be that unhappy. She has so much to be thankful for, but you wouldn't know it by her attitude. Unfortunately this is exactly the attitude our daughter has. I think my husband feels the way I do, but just like me in the end, we don't want her to leave and go live with her mom. I sometimes feel guilty that I treat her different from my own children...as in she gets away with everything, but I hold my children accountable. I worry my children will resent me for this one day.

 

[Sirk]

I think the best thing you can do in a step situation with teenage kids is to be calm collected and assertive when they cross boundaries and appeal to common relationship goals. One core value that everyone has is "be nice to me". That is where I started with my stepson. He wants me to be nice to him and I want him to be nice to me. It's a great place to start.

 

[MollyConnor]

Try to treat your step-daughter nicely and just be a good friend to her. She already has a mom and a dad, maybe she needs a friend and that could be you! I'm not saying to let her walk all over you, set your boundaries, but be more lenient than her parents. When you take your kids out, try take her as well. Spend some alone time with her and just talk. Maybe do each other's nails to spent time together. It would help her open up.

About the mother: I suggest you pray for her. I can only imagine her feelings towards you and they are probably not good if she is giving you a rough time. Show her love and be her friend too. By showing God's love to others, they will see his light in you and they will want it for themselves. I hope this situation turns out better for you and that your marriage is kept solid by faith in Jesus Christ.
God bless you and your family!

 

[TalentedPoet]

I am not the typical step-daughter... because I didn't have a typical mom...
My mom had a private conversation with my dad (until this day I have no idea what she said to him, lol!) A conversation with my stepmom, my stepmom says that she just told her her expectations and the rules at home and that was it. And several conversations with my brother and I... these were usually had when we were being dropped off to my dad and they went a little something like this... "she is your father's wife and you had better treat her with respect! You listen to her! If she tells me that you have been disrespectful or broken a house rule you will serve any punishment at her house and then suffer the consequences at home as well. Have I made myself clear!"
Years later I asked my mom how come her and my stepmom never had any drama like some of my friend's parents she said simply, "That woman, (a that wasn't her being disrespectful, but showing total respect... from a woman toward a woman)... never done anything wrong or hurtful to me. Nope. That was your father. I don't like him, but I forgave him and have moved on."

To me that was it! My mom had respect for my father's wife and new life and she had grieved the loss of the relationship, allowed God to heal her broken heart.
My stepmom respected my mom and the new type of relationship my mom and dad had as co-parents.
And my dad eventually learned to stay out of the way... no, that was a bad joke...

my relationship with my stepmom is more like a mom/daughter... she never tried to be my mom... we knew that all 3 parents set the rules and boundaries...for the most part they were a united front (my dad was the issue most times)

If the ex-wife isn't over the hurt, pain and loss of the failed marriage... it will be a battle to be fought on your knees in prayer. But if she has truly moved on the 3 of you will need to set some ground rules and then the rules should be presented by the birth parents. Same rules should app,you to both households if there is shared custody. If the mom isn't I their lives you have to reassure the child you are there to help love and support the child...

I love my stepmom... I don't call her by name, in fact I call her Ma. And my mom has been ok with that. Because as she says, "I know you know who your mom is. And I like that you have her in your life."
And I thank God I do.

Stay in prayer. Love hard.