My wife wants a divorce and wont even consider trying to 'work it out'

[presidente]

Thanks Presidente, i did write down a rebuke on paper ready to tell her, but when the moment came, it just didn't feel right or i was scared or it's not the right thing to say, or.... Some things are better left unsaid, on the other hand i do not want the marriage to end in such a way that i will always wonder if i could have done more? if i could have saved it? But i will probably think that regardless, i think most divorced people do?

Some of this is guesswork based on other things you have written, but maybe if you'd have stood up for yourself and for what's right, things might have turned out differently. They could still turn out differently from the way they seem to be going. Keep praying. Divorce people have reconciled before.

If it were me, I'd be asking myself if I had corrected her, maybe things would turn out different. If it were me in your shoes a year from now, if things ended in divorce, I'd be asking myself if, back in Feb. 2015, if I had shared with her a word of correction after she left the door if she might have changed her mind and gone down the right path.

I don't know what all you've done. But it sounds like you've been kind of passive about it. Maybe that's why she got bored with you.

In Matthew 18, Jesus COMMANDS if your brother sins against you, rebuke him. If he repents, forgive him. I've been paraphrasing from Leviticus a lot in posts to you. Jesus also teaches this.

Offering a word of correction is part of the Christian life. It's something oft-ignored in American evangelicalism, but the Bible has plenty to say about it. As a husband, you are to follow the example of Christ who washed the bride with the water of the word.

Being passive, if that's the case, hasn't kept your wife in the house so far. If you are thinking you will be asking yourself if there was something you could have done-- I'm telling you that there is something the Bible says you should do.

I'm not talking about yelling at her, berating her, or being harsh to her. It's not wrong to tell her that you are disappointed in her, or even that it's hard to respect her actions and character the way she has been behaving.

If it were me, I'd be saying something like this. If I could pull it off, I'd say it with a calm voice. I'd ask her just to give me X number of minutes for me to talk and get it all out without interrupting. It doesn't sound like you have a 'hot' relationship of yelling back and forth, but I could be wrong. Even so, it's good not to be interrupted.

I'd say something like this,

"I'm really concerned for you and disappointed because you are turning down a sinful path, away from God's word. The Lord commanded for the wife not to depart from her husband, and you are doing just that. I've gone along with it, and I was wrong to do that. I should have opposed you more strongly.

The Bible also teaches that if you marry someone else, you would be committing adultery.

You know I have long had difficulty respecting people who treat marriage as disposable. Those who have marriage problems, who can't get along, or aren't in love, need to work on their marriages or repent and love their spouses. God commands us to love. The solution for not loving is repentance, not divorce.

Don't think if you leave this marriage because you are discontent with me that you will go off and have a good relationship. Statistically, women who do that are likely to get divorced later on. They haven't taken care of their own character issues, and they take their problems into their next marriages, after they remarry adulterously against the teachings of Christ.

I am also disappointed at you for being a covenant breaker, a sin of which Romans 1 says that those who do such things are worthy of death. Maybe you haven't broken covenant yet, but you are certainly close to it. When you spoke those words to me at the church (before the judge, etc.) I believed you. I did not expect you to be a liar or covenant breaker. I accepted those words in good faith. I may not have been a perfect husband, but I have always been faithful to you, both sexually by not sleeping with anyone else, and in terms of having good faith toward you to keep you as my wife and to be a husband to you.

I am also concerned at how reckless you are with our daughter's life. Children raised in broken homes.... [look up a few statistics about grades and teen pregnancy and things like that. Focus on the Family or the Family Research Council might have something.] I don't want my daughter to learn from you to break covenant or not respect her father. I don't want her to learn that marriages are temporary. Yes, she's young, but that means there are more years of her life for this to affect her. I don't want her to call some other man daddy or some other woman mommy. You probably haven't thought of the idea of how you would feel about her calling some other woman mommy. People may divorce left and right in this country, but that doesn't make it right, and it doesn't make it a good thing for the children. I think you are being very selfish putting these emotional desires of yours not only before me, but before our daughter, and most importantly before God.

Some time ago, you began to cut me off sexually. This really hurt our marriage. I made a mistake by not insisting on seeing a counselor or taking other action to solve the problem. I wonder, with your cheerful attitude about blowing up our marriage and our daughter's home like you are, if you aren't thrilled because you have a boyfriend. If you have committed adultery, I do want you to repent. As far as our marriage is concerned, that's something you'd have to come clean on and let me know about. Whether you have or haven't, you aren't being a faithful spouse to me like leaving me. The book of Jeremiah speaks of a wife who treacherously departs from her husband. You have betrayed me. You have hurt me, and destroyed our home. Your decisions are also going to hurt our daughter. But it's not too late to change things.

My feelings for you are not what they once were. It's hard for me to respect you with your attitude toward our marriage and toward God. But this isn't something that can't be overcome. None of our problems are really big problems that other couples haven't dealt with and gotten past. But it would take repentance, determination, hard work, and faith in God to restore what you've started to destroy.

I have made some mistakes as a husband
[list mistakes, e.g. not paying her enough attention.] If we did reconcile, I can't guarantee I'll be the ideal husband in every aspect, but I will dedicate a lot of effort to our marriage to make it the best marriage it can possibly be. We can go to a counselor, go to seminars, read books on marriage together, and other things to make our marriage the kind that both of us have dreamed of."

If she manages to listen to the whole thing, she might walk right out the door. But she could have difficulty sleeping at night. What you say might keep coming to mind. She's done wrong, and it may just take someone frankly correcting her like this to get her to confront what she has actually done.

 

[presidente]

Clearly Presidente, he needs to be in a position to be blameless himself to be able to rebuke someone else; surely someone has to remove the dirt in his own eyes before attempting to do so for the other. that's the situation our friend is in.
Quoting scripture and calling sin what is actually a consequence of sin is a little of a useless exercise.

And how does he do that? He confesses his sins and finds forgiveness. If he's sinned against her, he confesses his sins. Maybe he's done that already. Then he points her sin out to.

Notice the passage you reference says first remove the log out of your own eye that you may see clearly to remove the speck out of your neighbor's eye.

It doesn't say to leave the speck in your neighbor's eye.

Have you read the thread? Can you show me where he confessed some sin that would have 'just consequences' of his wife leaving him? If you are married, have you ever gone through a period of time when you haven't paid as much attention to your spouse as your spouse would like? Is that Biblical grounds for divorce?

I think I've kept up with the thread. Maybe I missed a page. Could someone remind me if he dropped a bomb on us of doing something really big to destroy the marriage?

 

[sunburn]

"I'm really concerned for you and disappointed because you are turning down a sinful path, away from God's word. The Lord commanded for the wife not to depart from her husband, and you are doing just that. I've gone along with it, and I was wrong to do that. I should have opposed you more strongly.

The Bible also teaches that if you marry someone else, you would be committing adultery.

You know I have long had difficulty respecting people who treat marriage as disposable. Those who have marriage problems, who can't get along, or aren't in love, need to work on their marriages or repent and love their spouses. God commands us to love. The solution for not loving is repentance, not divorce.

Don't think if you leave this marriage because you are discontent with me that you will go off and have a good relationship. Statistically, women who do that are likely to get divorced later on. They haven't taken care of their own character issues, and they take their problems into their next marriages, after they remarry adulterously against the teachings of Christ.

I am also disappointed at you for being a covenant breaker, a sin of which Romans 1 says that those who do such things are worthy of death. Maybe you haven't broken covenant yet, but you are certainly close to it. When you spoke those words to me at the church (before the judge, etc.) I believed you. I did not expect you to be a liar or covenant breaker. I accepted those words in good faith. I may not have been a perfect husband, but I have always been faithful to you, both sexually by not sleeping with anyone else, and in terms of having good faith toward you to keep you as my wife and to be a husband to you.

I am also concerned at how reckless you are with our daughter's life. Children raised in broken homes.... [look up a few statistics about grades and teen pregnancy and things like that. Focus on the Family or the Family Research Council might have something.] I don't want my daughter to learn from you to break covenant or not respect her father. I don't want her to learn that marriages are temporary. Yes, she's young, but that means there are more years of her life for this to affect her. I don't want her to call some other man daddy or some other woman mommy. You probably haven't thought of the idea of how you would feel about her calling some other woman mommy. People may divorce left and right in this country, but that doesn't make it right, and it doesn't make it a good thing for the children. I think you are being very selfish putting these emotional desires of yours not only before me, but before our daughter, and most importantly before God.

Some time ago, you began to cut me off sexually. This really hurt our marriage. I made a mistake by not insisting on seeing a counselor or taking other action to solve the problem. I wonder, with your cheerful attitude about blowing up our marriage and our daughter's home like you are, if you aren't thrilled because you have a boyfriend. If you have committed adultery, I do want you to repent. As far as our marriage is concerned, that's something you'd have to come clean on and let me know about. Whether you have or haven't, you aren't being a faithful spouse to me like leaving me. The book of Jeremiah speaks of a wife who treacherously departs from her husband. You have betrayed me. You have hurt me, and destroyed our home. Your decisions are also going to hurt our daughter. But it's not too late to change things.

My feelings for you are not what they once were. It's hard for me to respect you with your attitude toward our marriage and toward God. But this isn't something that can't be overcome. None of our problems are really big problems that other couples haven't dealt with and gotten past. But it would take repentance, determination, hard work, and faith in God to restore what you've started to destroy.

I have made some mistakes as a husband
[list mistakes, e.g. not paying her enough attention.] If we did reconcile, I can't guarantee I'll be the ideal husband in every aspect, but I will dedicate a lot of effort to our marriage to make it the best marriage it can possibly be. We can go to a counselor, go to seminars, read books on marriage together, and other things to make our marriage the kind that both of us have dreamed of."

If she manages to listen to the whole thing, she might walk right out the door. But she could have difficulty sleeping at night. What you say might keep coming to mind. She's done wrong, and it may just take someone frankly correcting her like this to get her to confront what she has actually done.

Wow. Nice one Presidente.
I can't stop laughing.
Not that what you said is not true and good on paper but boy, you definitely know the way to a woman's heart !!!

remember your marriage is not the same as Mystic's and your wife is not Mystic's wife and Mystic is Definitely NOT you.

 

[presidente]

One who refuses to sign, is only causing strife, causing the other to be offended, being difficult.

Let's change the scenario. Let's say the papers are some kind of legally required consent for someone else to have an abortion. Would you be in favor of signing it then?

I totally disagree with your point of view. He's just enabling her by going along with this. If he'd opposed it strongly and given her some pushback, she might have rethought her stance. She probably knows she's wrong. Maybe she doesn't have anyone calling her out on it. She might not have the nerve to go through with it if someone would actually stand up to her and say what she is doing is wrong. Right now, she's got some kind of girlfriend congratulating her on getting a divorce. A lot of times.

All these things are not of God. We are to live peaceable with ALL men if in our power to do so.

But you don't sin in order to live at peace with other people. You can also decline to do something sinful in the most peaceable manner possible.

You can't make someone LOVE You. if she wants the divorce, she files for the divorce, and you have made it known to her that you are against it, do not want it, then sign the papers, your hands are clean.

They aren't clean if they have the ink from the divorce papers on them.

Biblically, the man gave the woman the divorce papers. Jesus was against that, at least in most kinds of cases. Why should he give her a writing of divorcement, contrary to the teachings of Christ, and against his own desires. If he gives it to her, she may use some kind of OT rationalization that she's free to remarry. If he doesn't, he can tell her he hasn't given her a certificate of divorce and to remain unmarried or be reconciled to him. She should do that anyway. But it takes away one less justification she can use to sin.

It also is another step in capitulating when she may just need a little push-back to help her make some right decisions.

Take a look at the life of Jesus. Sometimes He opposed people. Paul also strongly opposed people at times. Being loving doesn't mean being a wimp and just being agreeable all the time. Jesus certainly wasn't.

 

[mystikmind]

Thank you Presidente, you have given me some things to think about, and i appreciate it must have taken some time and effort to write that post, so to you, and to all the people who posted here as well, i really appreciate it.

To be honest though, i don't feel like i have the right to say those things to her, but even so, i do understand they need to be said, and if not by me then who? It is my job, like it or not, worthy or not, it is my job, my responsibility.

 

[sunburn]

And how does he do that? He confesses his sins and finds forgiveness. If he's sinned against her, he confesses his sins. Maybe he's done that already. Then he points her sin out to.

Notice the passage you reference says first remove the log out of your own eye that you may see clearly to remove the speck out of your neighbor's eye.

It doesn't say to leave the speck in your neighbor's eye.

Have you read the thread? Can you show me where he confessed some sin that would have 'just consequences' of his wife leaving him? If you are married, have you ever gone through a period of time when you haven't paid as much attention to your spouse as your spouse would like? Is that Biblical grounds for divorce?

I think I've kept up with the thread. Maybe I missed a page. Could someone remind me if he dropped a bomb on us of doing something really big to destroy the marriage?

Sin.
Is there supposed to be a sin bigger than the other? Seriously wake up President.Just because you are married and your wife puts up with you, doesn't mean you don't sin against her.
You are probably lucky to have a prayerful wife and just may be you have learned to manage your own prayer life, things have gone swiftly. But you cannot assume that this man has done nothing wrong. Not that I am condoning this woman leaving. I believe she is absolutely immature but so is HE. No point raising scripture at one party. There is a time for this. Right now, this man needs to hear some hard truth about his own behaviour. and what you are doing is absolutely disgraceful. you want him to be a man without calling him out on his own issues?

Husbands LOVE your wives. It might have escaped you like most Men, but there is some wisdom in it.

 

[sunburn]

Thank you Presidente, you have given me some things to think about, and i appreciate it must have taken some time and effort to write that post, so to you, and to all the people who posted here as well, i really appreciate it.

To be honest though, i don't feel like i have the right to say those things to her, but even so, i do understand they need to be said, and if not by me then who? It is my job, like it or not, worthy or not, it is my job, my responsibility.

Mystik, I am sure your wife knows all of this. Yet she decided to leave.
This is not the time and place to rebuke someone. Pray and be wise.

 

[presidente]

The second question, sometimes i did wonder if she was just doing this to wake me up. But since then, several things occurred which means that cannot be the case. The most obvious one being her desire to sell the house, she has already had the real estate agent draw up the contract and she wanted me to sign it. Then my parents offered to sell their house, move in with me and buy my wife out of her share of the house. My wife said it was a good idea.... no women who was not absolutely certain about a divorce would ever think that was a good idea! So with the exception of a miracle of God, this is the one thing that finally convinced me this marriage is definitely over.

I think you are making the same mistake that myself and millions of other men have made: thinking that women know what they want. You've got all kinds of mixed emotion yourself. What makes you think that she wouldn't feel the same way? Certainly, she has a very clear agenda that involves destroying the family, and divorcing you. But you can't know from that whether she is torn up inside. Part of her may want to work the marriage out. She may be telling herself you have to make yourself go through with this divorce, don't cave. Maybe she's telling herself that because she knows she's doing an evil thing. It could be a word of correction from you or someone else would cause her to look herself in the mirror, realize she is being a bad wife and mother, and change her course of action.

If you haven't put up some strong resistance to what she is trying to do, you probably wouldn't be able to unmask these true feelings. She did let slip that you buying flowers before she mentioned the divorce might have changed her mind. I don't think you should dwell on that as some sort of 'what if' to beat yourself up over. That's kind of silly. Flowers don't save marriages. What you should get from that is a clue that on some level, she is conflicted in this decision.

She may also not have anyone giving her good godly advice right now. She's got some girlfriend who wrote her that congratulatory note. So she may have one or more friends who lack morals when it comes to issues of marriage and sexuality. She may meet with them at lunch and work, and they may be telling her 'you go girl.' They may tell her not to chicken out in leaving you, pumping up her confidence to do evil. She may just need someone tell her what she is doing is wrong, sinful.

You are the husband. You should be piloting the ship. It sounds like you are letting her pilot the ship with the divorce agenda. Could she have lost respect and therefore sexual interest in you because you aren't leading her? Does she make a lot of decisions. I'm convinced that many modern women, even those who think they want to be in charge and call the shots, hate it when it actually happens in the home. They talk about wanting to be strong independent women, but they want a stronger man to protect them, guide them, or whatever. This desire shows itself in a twisted form in modern women wanting to read books like 50 Shades of Grey about a 'strong' man tying his girlfriend up and spanking her (never read it, btw).

She could also really want the divorce. But at the same time, she may really want you to insist it doesn't happen and 'fight for your marriage.' I read a post on another forum about this verbally crazy-sounding abusive woman who kept asking for a divorce. Then she was upset about her husband not wanting to fight for their marriage when he went along with what she was saying about wanting to get a divorce.

If she treats you with disrespect and you let her to do that and don't put up resistance, she may not respect you for letting her get away with not respecting you. It's a vicious cycle.

I'm not trying to get you to be harsh, but it sounds like you've tried the nice guy approach, kindness, going with the flow, etc. and that hasn't worked for you. Why don't you call her out on the way she's acting? Why don't you obey Jesus and rebuke her for her sin? You should do it to obey Jesus no matter what. But it's possible doing something different might get you different results. Doing the same thing over and over seems to be yielding the same results.

 

[sunburn]

Mystik, I would go straight ahead and say as you sort of realised, Don't listen to Presidente.
some good pointers in what he says but all in all, he has a pump up ego inflated by the fact that he "controls" his ship. Nice way of describing the marriage covenant by the way...

But anyone is entitled to their opinion

 

[Sirk]

The more words the less the meaning and how does that profit anyone? Eccl 6:11

 

[sunburn]

The more words the less the meaning and how does that profit anyone? Eccl 6:11

you should be the one talking to Mystik. Again and again. until he gets it.

 

[presidente]

Sin.
Is there supposed to be a sin bigger than the other?

Of course. Have you ever studied the Bible to find this out? High handed sins are bad. But some sins are unintentional. Some sins get the death penalty in the Old Testament. There is also an unpardonable sin.

Seriously wake up President.Just because you are married and your wife puts up with you, doesn't mean you don't sin against her.

If my wife sees that I'm doing something sinful, she'll tell me. If I perceive that she is doing something sinful, I tell her. That's the way it's supposed to work.

You are probably lucky to have a prayerful wife and just may be you have learned to manage your own prayer life, things have gone swiftly. But you cannot assume that this man has done nothing wrong.

He's said he's made mistakes. Maybe he isn't showing all his cards on the forum. God hasn't told me His list of hidden sins. Do you think everyone who sisn should be divorced.

Not that I am condoning this woman leaving. I believe she is absolutely immature but so is HE. No point raising scripture at one party.

Jesus said if your brother sins against you, rebuke him. Do you think Christians should obey Jesus or not?

Just even from a secular perspective, it seems rather idiotic to me for people to be against the idea that if a wife wants to destroy the family by leaving over some shallow emotional reasons that aren't really concrete, that it's wrong to call her out on being flighty and irresponsible. People on these forums don't have a problem with telling posters they are acting sinful in their marriages when they try to defend these kinds of actions on the forum.

There is a time for this. Right now, this man needs to hear some hard truth about his own behaviour.

What behavior? What are his sins that need correcting that he hasn't confessed and owned up to? Please let us know the source for your information, too.

and what you are doing is absolutely disgraceful. you want him to be a man without calling him out on his own issues?

Are you perfectly sinless? Otherwise, why would you call what I'm doing disgraceful? Also, why do you think it is okay to say what a stranger is posting in a forum is disgraceful, but not okay for a man who actually knows his wife and has lived with her for years that she is doing something sinful and very damaging to the family when the consequences for her actions are so great?

If you see someone about to jump off a cliff, are you going to be silent about it? I know, you can be silent about it if the drop is far and the person is a wife chained to a man and a three-year-old, but scream if it's one person and a three-foot drop.

Look at my posts. I've told mystic if he's sinned or fallen short as a husband to confess it. Even in the post of what I'd say I included that.

Husbands LOVE your wives. It might have escaped you like most Men, but there is some wisdom in it.

That's what I have been saying. The question is, do you love the way Jesus does and the way the Bible teaches, or in some wimpy way that goes along with other people sinning? Leviticus says to love your neighbor, and to rebuke your neighbor frankly so that you do not share in his sin. This is commentary on how to love your neighbor.

And this is basic Christianity. Correcting each other should be a regular part of the Christian faith. It should certainly be a part of marriage between believers where our lives are very much intertwined.

 

[Sirk]

you should be the one talking to Mystik. Again and again. until he gets it.

its hard to know if he is broken or not. Kinda seems like not....I know that when I went thru it I worked really hard to get myself well. I tried early on in this thread to impart some of what I learned but it seems he is more interested in changing Her behavior vs his own. I could be wrong but that is how it appears to me. What are your thoughts sunburn?

 

[sunburn]

Of course. Have you ever studied the Bible to find this out? High handed sins are bad. But some sins are unintentional. Some sins get the death penalty in the Old Testament. There is also an unpardonable sin.



If my wife sees that I'm doing something sinful, she'll tell me. If I perceive that she is doing something sinful, I tell her. That's the way it's supposed to work.



He's said he's made mistakes. Maybe he isn't showing all his cards on the forum. God hasn't told me His list of hidden sins. Do you think everyone who sisn should be divorced.



Jesus said if your brother sins against you, rebuke him. Do you think Christians should obey Jesus or not?

Just even from a secular perspective, it seems rather idiotic to me for people to be against the idea that if a wife wants to destroy the family by leaving over some shallow emotional reasons that aren't really concrete, that it's wrong to call her out on being flighty and irresponsible. People on these forums don't have a problem with telling posters they are acting sinful in their marriages when they try to defend these kinds of actions on the forum.



What behavior? What are his sins that need correcting that he hasn't confessed and owned up to? Please let us know the source for your information, too.



Are you perfectly sinless? Otherwise, why would you call what I'm doing disgraceful? Also, why do you think it is okay to say what a stranger is posting in a forum is disgraceful, but not okay for a man who actually knows his wife and has lived with her for years that she is doing something sinful and very damaging to the family when the consequences for her actions are so great?

If you see someone about to jump off a cliff, are you going to be silent about it? I know, you can be silent about it if the drop is far and the person is a wife chained to a man and a three-year-old, but scream if it's one person and a three-foot drop.

Look at my posts. I've told mystic if he's sinned or fallen short as a husband to confess it. Even in the post of what I'd say I included that.



That's what I have been saying. The question is, do you love the way Jesus does and the way the Bible teaches, or in some wimpy way that goes along with other people sinning? Leviticus says to love your neighbor, and to rebuke your neighbor frankly so that you do not share in his sin. This is commentary on how to love your neighbor.

And this is basic Christianity. Correcting each other should be a regular part of the Christian faith. It should certainly be a part of marriage between believers where our lives are very much intertwined.

You see, here is the problem. You take one good thing and distort it.
Nobody disputes the truth. The problem lies with duplicates.
Deceipt disguised as truth. Chronically avoiding the real subject of the matter is not helping the situation.
But it's your call not mine to be convinced.

 

[presidente]

Mystik,
Take sunburn's posts with a grain of salt. He seems to have a problem with the Biblical teaching that a wife should submit to her husband.

 

[presidente]

You see, here is the problem. You take one good thing and distort it.
Nobody disputes the truth. The problem lies with duplicates.
Deceipt disguised as truth. Chronically avoiding the real subject of the matter is not helping the situation.
But it's your call not mine to be convinced.

If there is something that isn't true, or that is distorted, point it out in detail. You can point out mystik's sins that I should be confronting him on in the same post if you don't mind.

Btw, If a wife leaves her husband and it's not for something big (e.g. adultery), and both are Christians, IMO, it's very strange and unusual for the husband not to tell the wife some of the things I've suggested if they have been dialoging about it for a while.

 

[sunburn]

its hard to know if he is broken or not. Kinda seems like not....I know that when I went thru it I worked really hard to get myself well. I tried early on in this thread to impart some of what I learned but it seems he is more interested in changing Her behavior vs his own. I could be wrong but that is how it appears to me. What are your thoughts sunburn?

I think I have to agree. He fluctuates in between anger, resentment ,guilt and resignation. Mystik seems lost and discouraged but not broken to the point where he will own up to his own responsibility and work on himself. at least, he is not saying anything about praying and taking care of himself emotionally without her. He wants her to change so it will make him feel better..... which annoys her the more.

 

[Sirk]

I think I have to agree. He fluctuates in between anger, resentment ,guilt and resignation. Mystik seems lost and discouraged but not broken to the point where he will own up to his own responsibility and work on himself. at least, he is not saying anything about praying and taking care of himself emotionally without her. He wants her to change and make him feel better which annoys her the more.

i get the feeling that she was his emotional caretaker and she just simply is over it and he either needs to grow up and learn to regulate himself or become a divorcee.

 

[sunburn]

i get the feeling that she was his emotional caretaker and she just simply is over it and he either needs to grow up and learn to regulate himself or become a divorcee.

I cannot agree more.

 

[presidente]

I think I have to agree. He fluctuates in between anger, resentment ,guilt and resignation. Mystik seems lost and discouraged but not broken to the point where he will own up to his own responsibility and work on himself. at least, he is not saying anything about praying and taking care of himself emotionally without her. He wants her to change so it will make him feel better..... which annoys her the more.

You guys know he's reading the thread?

IMO, if you don't have something concrete that he can work on about himself, you don't have any business posting this kind of stuff back and forth. Us posters are operating mostly in the dark about his marriage, for obvious reasons. We only get what he has shared. What we see is what any reasonable hurt man whose wife is leaving him is going to say--I've made mistakes as a husband. I wasn't always there for her, etc.

But if you don't know that there is something in particular that he needs to work on about himself, why bring it up?

If he's being forthright and hasn't withheld some big secrets (e.g. affairs, not supporting the family, drug addiction, abuse), then it would seem his wife is leaving her because of her own emotional reasons, unjustifiable reasons for breaking up a family. So what's wrong with him wanting her to change or to change her mind. Sometimes the other person has to change to make the marriage work, especially if the change needed is to be willing to stick around and work on the marriage.