My wife wants a divorce and wont even consider trying to 'work it out'

[presidente]

I didnt say he was wrong,I said they were wrong.And yes,premarital sex is wrong so I dont know you'd even mention that.But that wasn't my point.My point was they had intimacy issues even before they married.He said she wasn't eager for sex before they married.He admitted to his own faults in the marriage.I have said they both "drove it in the ditch".And they are both responsible for getting it back on the road again.So I did not blame him.

Since they both took part in the break up of the marriage it will do him no good to tell her she is wrong.Most women do not walk away from marriage without counting the cost.She said she had never cried so much.This means this is painful for her as it is for him.When he said would flowers have helped she cried.She still has feelings but she is trying to bury them because she has been hurt.They are both hurting.And I dont think she's not taking her daughter into account.We haven't got her here to talk to but mystikmind never accused her of being a bad mother or an uncaring mother.Women are thinkers,deep thinkers.This has been boiling in her mind for a long time I'd bet.Not all men are good at reading women.I may be all wrong on this.But one thing I am not wrong on is him telling her what she is doing is wrong.I believe she has counted the cost and for some reason still feels divorce is the only way.I hope she changes her mind but rebuking her wont do it.She'll see him as an uncaring jerk.He has no right to tell her she's wrong when he's complicit in the marriage failing. If he doesnt care and just wants her out of his life then sure go ahead and say what you want.It wont make him feel any better.JMO

Kaylagirl,

It sounds like you are assuming he is guilty of things he hasn't mentioned, as if his posts aren't on the up and up. If he had done something really bad and hasn't told us, then he'd know the things I suggested wouldn't fit the situation at all. But if he hasn't, if he's been honest about it, she's got some emotional issues going on and she is seriously over-reacting.

I don't believe women are good and only leave marriages for good reasons. Women are bad. Men are bad. That's why we need a Savior. Women leave marriages for foolish, selfish reasons all the time. It's fairly typical. Sure, they justify it in their minds. She is choosing to leave rather than to stay and work on their marriage. I am not surprised if a woman in this situation has a relationship or love interest. It happens a lot, with both genders. But from what I've read, men seem okay with having a wife and mistress. Women feel like they are cheating on their boyfriend and want a divorce. I don't know if this is the case.

But if she's leaving for the reasons he listed, she's wrong. If he's withheld something, well, he knows that and can take that into account.

Most people experience difficulty and heartache in marriage, even if it's mild or brief. Those who stay married work through these things. I've seen in movies where a parent tries to get the future son-in-law to promise to never make the daughter cry or a man promises a woman he will never make her cry. That's a pretty stupid promise to make. What husband hasn't made his wife cry (even if it's not reasonable that she should cry.) Most married couples go through some kind of emotional strain unless one of them dies really early in the marriage. Some people work through it. Some people leave, especially now that society endorses it and there are people on the sidelines who will say that a woman doesn't leave unless she has a good reason, which can actually enable women who break up marriages. People aren't usually so approving of men who leave their families.

Maybe he's gone along with the divorce so far. But he could still turn that around. She's the one pushing for it.

 

[mystikmind]

Have you guys ever heard of a book by Gary Chapman called The Marriage You Always Wanted? My mom got me that book, i followed it, wife wasn't interested. As part of the process you have to write down all your partners sins and then write down all your own sins and confess them to God and your partner. I did confess to God but only partially to my wife, she won't hear it, but i think she read the full list.

There are two intrinsically connected things i have not mentioned so far. When things were getting slow in the bedroom, i don't remember exactly when, but my wife started buying these quite explicit romance books, clearly i was not meeting her needs. It made me feel like crap, inadequate, and she did not even try to hide the books, it was like she wanted me to see them, so i thought she is trying to send me a message, but when i asked her, and i asked many times, she was evasive about it and made out it was unimportant, just a little thing for entertainment. And no, she does not have any sex toys and she says she never masturbates.

Then instead of deciding to try to resolve our problems, my bright idea was to feel justified in using internet porn!

In the last couple of weeks, before she moved out, two full packs of raunchy romance books turned up in the bookshelf. Then when she moved out, they were the only books she took with her. Most likely she took those books so my parents would not see them, because she knows they were coming down to visit me when she moved out. On the other hand, if she actually wanted the books then that is both good and bad, good because it means she probably doesn't have a boyfriend, bad because it won't help her find feelings to come back to me.

So now you know every detail, there is nothing more to tell.

 

[mystikmind]

I just now thought of one other possibility regarding the raunchy books.... Probably not so much in recent times, but before, it is possible and likely she bought the books for both our benefit. I remember now, there were quite a few times when i would see her reading, then directly after we would have great sex! One time she even asked me if i wanted to watch an erotic movie together,,,, i think she may have been trying hard to make things work despite all my failings. Then what a fool i was!

It must have been hard for her to say she does not find me attractive, and that is why she would not talk about it properly with me

 

[kaylagrl]

I just now thought of one other possibility regarding the raunchy books.... Probably not so much in recent times, but before, it is possible and likely she bought the books for both our benefit. I remember now, there were quite a few times when i would see her reading, then directly after we would have great sex! One time she even asked me if i wanted to watch an erotic movie together,,,, i think she may have been trying hard to make things work despite all my failings. Then what a fool i was!

It must have been hard for her to say she does not find me attractive, and that is why she would not talk about it properly with me

Could it be that she simply didnt know how to ask for what she wanted? A lot of women are taught that sex is rather a dirty thing to discuss.Maybe there were things she was wanted but was afraid or embarrassed to ask for? Were the books a way to try and bring up the subject? Just a thought.

Books on marriage are great but when you're so close to divorce you really need one on one counseling. What I am getting from what you are sharing is that you both are at fault and both made mistakes. I am right? Because I dont see this as all her fault or all your fault.I'm trying to give fair and middle of the road advice,though I am no professional.It sounds like you had communication problems before you got married and things got worse as time went on.If you feel I am blaming you please let me know because that is not my intent.

 

[kaylagrl]

Kaylagirl,

It sounds like you are assuming he is guilty of things he hasn't mentioned, as if his posts aren't on the up and up. If he had done something really bad and hasn't told us, then he'd know the things I suggested wouldn't fit the situation at all. But if he hasn't, if he's been honest about it, she's got some emotional issues going on and she is seriously over-reacting.

I don't believe women are good and only leave marriages for good reasons. Women are bad. Men are bad. That's why we need a Savior. Women leave marriages for foolish, selfish reasons all the time. It's fairly typical. Sure, they justify it in their minds. She is choosing to leave rather than to stay and work on their marriage. I am not surprised if a woman in this situation has a relationship or love interest. It happens a lot, with both genders. But from what I've read, men seem okay with having a wife and mistress. Women feel like they are cheating on their boyfriend and want a divorce. I don't know if this is the case.

But if she's leaving for the reasons he listed, she's wrong. If he's withheld something, well, he knows that and can take that into account.

Most people experience difficulty and heartache in marriage, even if it's mild or brief. Those who stay married work through these things. I've seen in movies where a parent tries to get the future son-in-law to promise to never make the daughter cry or a man promises a woman he will never make her cry. That's a pretty stupid promise to make. What husband hasn't made his wife cry (even if it's not reasonable that she should cry.) Most married couples go through some kind of emotional strain unless one of them dies really early in the marriage. Some people work through it. Some people leave, especially now that society endorses it and there are people on the sidelines who will say that a woman doesn't leave unless she has a good reason, which can actually enable women who break up marriages. People aren't usually so approving of men who leave their families.

Maybe he's gone along with the divorce so far. But he could still turn that around. She's the one pushing for it.

Pres. you are not hearing what I am saying.Last time I'm going to state this,so please hear me.They are BOTH in the wrong.Im not assuming anything.He's admitted to making mistakes,she's made mistakes.That is marriage.When a marriage breaks up there almost always is fault on both sides unless there is abuse in the situation.

Some women leave marriages for selfish reasons. You dont know this womans side of the story.She hasn't told it on here.So you would then be the one assuming. Yes a man may make a woman cry but if he has any character and any love for his wife he dang well should be doing his best not to make her cry. A husband is a protector of his wife and of her heart.No woman should be crying,like he said his wife did.If a woman is crying all the time something is wrong in the marriage.Usually its a communication problem.

We dont know her and we dont know her reasons for leaving and if they're good reasons or not. Again she's not here to tell her side of the story.Maybe through counseling they can discover the real reasons and the deep down emotions that brought them to where they are.To simply say shes wrong and needs rebuking is just being blind to the fact that the two of them have deeper problems that contributed to the break-up of the marriage.

 

[mystikmind]

Could it be that she simply didnt know how to ask for what she wanted? A lot of women are taught that sex is rather a dirty thing to discuss.Maybe there were things she was wanted but was afraid or embarrassed to ask for? Were the books a way to try and bring up the subject? Just a thought.

Books on marriage are great but when you're so close to divorce you really need one on one counseling. What I am getting from what you are sharing is that you both are at fault and both made mistakes. I am right? Because I dont see this as all her fault or all your fault.I'm trying to give fair and middle of the road advice,though I am no professional.It sounds like you had communication problems before you got married and things got worse as time went on.If you feel I am blaming you please let me know because that is not my intent.

No i don't feel blame from you, but even if i did, if that is what i need to hear, then it's all good.

You are certainly right about counseling, but she refuses to participate in counseling.

Counseling and other such activities designed to try to save a marriage have no guarantee of success, everyone knows this, but most people realize that, what have they got to loose from trying? nothing. So there is no logical reason not to try. And the reason she told me sounds like baloney, she told me she does not want our relationship to deteriorate any further. I think divorce is pretty much as worse as it can get, so yes, her reason is baloney. As i mentioned earlier (somewhere) i think she is scared of trying to save the marriage in case it works! And she does not want it to work because she has found someone else, or at least the idea of finding someone else, this is what makes sense.

 

[MrsRoseTreasure]

My wife is Christian, but i am afraid if i push that line she would turn from God

This...not your fault. Stating Biblical truth is your job as the priest of your home, and we all own our own relationship with God. Besides, by leaving her marriage, it pretty much sounds like she's already there.

BTW...what are these irreconcilable differences? Not to be nosy, and not trying to be too specific, did some horrible thing happen to make her want to leave your marriage?

 

[presidente]

And the reason she told me sounds like baloney, she told me she does not want our relationship to deteriorate any further. I think divorce is pretty much as worse as it can get, so yes, her reason is baloney.

That does sound like baloney (bologna?) if that's the only reason she gave. This is from my male perspective. Sometimes female emotional reasons sound like processed lunch meat to use men.

 

[presidente]

mystikmind,

You said you watched Internet porn and something about watching erotic films with your wife. You know Christians aren't supposed to watch porn (because of the sin involved in looking with lust). Did you have a problem with porn that hurt your wife and your relationship with your wife?

 

[mystikmind]

This...not your fault. Stating Biblical truth is your job as the priest of your home, and we all own our own relationship with God. Besides, by leaving her marriage, it pretty much sounds like she's already there.

BTW...what are these irreconcilable differences? Not to be nosy, and not trying to be too specific, did some horrible thing happen to make her want to leave your marriage?

see post 58 on page 3

 

[mystikmind]

mystikmind,

You said you watched Internet porn and something about watching erotic films with your wife. You know Christians aren't supposed to watch porn (because of the sin involved in looking with lust). Did you have a problem with porn that hurt your wife and your relationship with your wife?

see post 222 and 223 this page

 

[MrsRoseTreasure]

see post 222 and 223 this page

Thanks. To point out a bit of plank in the eye, if she's reading romance novels, she's reading porn. Just saying.

Anyway, I've been married three times, so here's my armchair advice. Feel free to tell me to go to....Nebraska.

It wasn't her body you were missing, dude. I used to be a serial relationship sort of person. I also used to read A LOT of these trashy romance novels. It wasn't for the sex. Most women don't really care about the sex scenes; they're more like icing on the cake for those who read them. Women want to connect in the mind, emotionally and mentally. They want you to make love to them before you try to make love to them. That's what these books depict.

Men connect emotionally through sex, women connect emotionally and then have sex. It's a subtle difference, but an important one. Instead of asking her what's wrong with your sex life, maybe try asking her if she feels disconnected from you. Maybe ask what about the books she likes. Then, when she answers, be willing to listen to the why, and be willing to at least consider that she's right.

Otherwise, it sounds like you've done everything you can do, and trying to go to counseling is a great last step, by the way. At this point, all that's left is the praying. I will pray for you.

 

[mystikmind]

Thanks. To point out a bit of plank in the eye, if she's reading romance novels, she's reading porn. Just saying.

Anyway, I've been married three times, so here's my armchair advice. Feel free to tell me to go to....Nebraska.

It wasn't her body you were missing, dude. I used to be a serial relationship sort of person. I also used to read A LOT of these trashy romance novels. It wasn't for the sex. Most women don't really care about the sex scenes; they're more like icing on the cake for those who read them. Women want to connect in the mind, emotionally and mentally. They want you to make love to them before you try to make love to them. That's what these books depict.

Men connect emotionally through sex, women connect emotionally and then have sex. It's a subtle difference, but an important one. Instead of asking her what's wrong with your sex life, maybe try asking her if she feels disconnected from you. Maybe ask what about the books she likes. Then, when she answers, be willing to listen to the why, and be willing to at least consider that she's right.

Otherwise, it sounds like you've done everything you can do, and trying to go to counseling is a great last step, by the way. At this point, all that's left is the praying. I will pray for you.

Thank you, you remind me a little bit about my dear sister, she has had a hard life with men as well. Her first love cheated on her, her second love and husband (borne again) could not let go of his past (drugs and alcohol). Next husband, another borne again Christian refused to change his bullying mental abusive nature, Now she is going through another divorce. I am so sad for her, she has tried so hard, my dear sister, and she is so dedicated to Jesus as well.

These men did far worse than me, and got so many second chances, i get none. But we all make mistakes, at the end of it all the only thing that really stopped these men achieving real change and saving their relationships with my sister was dishonesty. For me, honesty or dishonesty is irrelevant because my wife is gone and doesn't want to hear it. i wish i had the chances my sister gave those men.

 

[presidente]

Some women leave marriages for selfish reasons. You dont know this womans side of the story.She hasn't told it on here.So you would then be the one assuming. Yes a man may make a woman cry but if he has any character and any love for his wife he dang well should be doing his best not to make her cry. A husband is a protector of his wife and of her heart.No woman should be crying,like he said his wife did.If a woman is crying all the time something is wrong in the marriage.Usually its a communication problem.

Women can cry for reasons other than the marriage, clinical depression for example. Caring husbands usually try to find out why if they can.

We dont know her and we dont know her reasons for leaving and if they're good reasons or not. Again she's not here to tell her side of the story.Maybe through counseling they can discover the real reasons and the deep down emotions that brought them to where they are.To simply say shes wrong and needs rebuking is just being blind to the fact that the two of them have deeper problems that contributed to the break-up of the marriage.

The Lord commanded 'let not the wife depart from her husband.' Where did He say, "But if she has some emotional reasons that are so hidden no one can figure them out without going to a counselor, then it's okay for her to leave."

A couple can have all kinds of emotional problems in the marriage. That doesn't mean it's okay to leave or divorce over it. If there is some really big secret (adultery, etc.) then mystikmind would know and could take that into account when reading my advice. I don't think we can find a spouse who hadn't made your normal marriage mistakes-- not spending enough time listening to a spouse, etc. Those sorts of things don't justify disobeying Christ. Having a talk with your spouse where you point out that leaving is immoral is a normal thing to do in this situation. One can do this while taking ownership for his own faults and sins at the same time.

 

[DawnIs12]

I just got on, I've only gotten on this site this week and as it is 4:00am I can relate with having a lot on my mind as well. I'm glad to see you are getting support from other men and advice. I know, as I'm sure you do, that God hates divorce and it was not His intention. I know what it says in 1Cor 7, which I believe has been brought up.

Um, forgive me for doing this, but I would greatly appreciate some advice myself. I love God and am devoted to Him, I haven't talked to anyone about this because I don't want to bring reproach to the Gospel, I witness and serve God anyway I can and I don't want to confuse anyone or hurt anything I've said for Jesus. But, I need help. My husband, the strongest man of God I've ever known, and I have been together many years. We served God together and were the happiest couple I've ever known. About 5 years ago, I was praying to draw even closer to God, Gods reply was always that it would cost. God in His greatness started moving shaving away people and things (God doesn't want us to have crutches to lean on, only Him). I should have just been overjoyed, but we started being persecuted and suffered through many things that are too many to mention. The toll of one thing after the next over these past few years has done something I would have never seen, we've turned on each other. We both want God only and to do His will yet it continues.
my husband bullies me, yells at me, and has humiliated me in front of our adopted teen (a girl who wants it to be just him and her) by saying stuff like I quit caring about you a long time ago, and threatening to file for divorce, or telling me to leave and find someone else. He had never done that ever before. Than if I try to talk or catch him in a lie (such as finding out he started a secret bank account), he's in my face yelling at me and sometimes worse.
I finally got to the point where I said I'd give him a divorce but then he said he just wanted his wife and peace. He blames me for everything, and I wonder if he's just pushing me to file so he doesn't look bad. I'm so lonely, this has gone on for 2 years now. He's nice to everyone but me and I feel humiliated because of how he treats me and every night I'm awake crying with no comfort from him only coldness. Sometimes he's so sweet, but if I do anything he's mad at me.

I feel like with all my crying and pleading with him I've made a fool of myself. There was a time before we were married when he chased me non stop and I was younger and beautiful (not to sound vain, but I wonder if this is because I'm getting older). I'm scared, I'm hurt, I'm humiliated. I was raised by my uncle and his wife and they hated me, and he rubs it in that I have no family. I have no money, no job (he wanted me to be a homemaker). Writing this now I don't want to make Christianity look bad. I don't believe Biblically I could remarry, and now I'm only in this marriage for survival and scared that I'll get older and it will be even worse if he leaves me later. He would never accept counseling or anything, that's not an option.

Sorry, for the novel I just wrote. Any help would be so appreciated, but mostly your prayers. I can only utter God help us at times.

 

[mystikmind]

I just got on, I've only gotten on this site this week and as it is 4:00am I can relate with having a lot on my mind as well. I'm glad to see you are getting support from other men and advice. I know, as I'm sure you do, that God hates divorce and it was not His intention. I know what it says in 1Cor 7, which I believe has been brought up.

Um, forgive me for doing this, but I would greatly appreciate some advice myself. I love God and am devoted to Him, I haven't talked to anyone about this because I don't want to bring reproach to the Gospel, I witness and serve God anyway I can and I don't want to confuse anyone or hurt anything I've said for Jesus. But, I need help. My husband, the strongest man of God I've ever known, and I have been together many years. We served God together and were the happiest couple I've ever known. About 5 years ago, I was praying to draw even closer to God, Gods reply was always that it would cost. God in His greatness started moving shaving away people and things (God doesn't want us to have crutches to lean on, only Him). I should have just been overjoyed, but we started being persecuted and suffered through many things that are too many to mention. The toll of one thing after the next over these past few years has done something I would have never seen, we've turned on each other. We both want God only and to do His will yet it continues.
my husband bullies me, yells at me, and has humiliated me in front of our adopted teen (a girl who wants it to be just him and her) by saying stuff like I quit caring about you a long time ago, and threatening to file for divorce, or telling me to leave and find someone else. He had never done that ever before. Than if I try to talk or catch him in a lie (such as finding out he started a secret bank account), he's in my face yelling at me and sometimes worse.
I finally got to the point where I said I'd give him a divorce but then he said he just wanted his wife and peace. He blames me for everything, and I wonder if he's just pushing me to file so he doesn't look bad. I'm so lonely, this has gone on for 2 years now. He's nice to everyone but me and I feel humiliated because of how he treats me and every night I'm awake crying with no comfort from him only coldness. Sometimes he's so sweet, but if I do anything he's mad at me.

I feel like with all my crying and pleading with him I've made a fool of myself. There was a time before we were married when he chased me non stop and I was younger and beautiful (not to sound vain, but I wonder if this is because I'm getting older). I'm scared, I'm hurt, I'm humiliated. I was raised by my uncle and his wife and they hated me, and he rubs it in that I have no family. I have no money, no job (he wanted me to be a homemaker). Writing this now I don't want to make Christianity look bad. I don't believe Biblically I could remarry, and now I'm only in this marriage for survival and scared that I'll get older and it will be even worse if he leaves me later. He would never accept counseling or anything, that's not an option.

Sorry, for the novel I just wrote. Any help would be so appreciated, but mostly your prayers. I can only utter God help us at times.

Without knowing much detail, i can say, i do not get a good feeling in my heart about that part where God tells you it will cost you, shaving away and removing crutches. Our God is not a God of isolationism but a God of fellowship.

I have seen something happen in other relationships close to me, and i wonder if there is any lesson for you in it? What i saw was, a difference in the method for raising children between the mother and father. The mother was determined to 'spare the rod' so to speak. The father took the attitude, well i will go along with this but i know it won't turn out well. They had five kids, the kids ran rampant and the mother was so suborn not to accept her mistake, she ended up falling mentally ill and the husband was treating her pretty much the same as yours is now. They even ended up separating, but somehow managed to pull things back when the kids got older and her foolish stubbornness with discipline was no longer such an issue. What i am trying to say is this, was there a situation where your stubbornly determined to peruse something your husband did not really agree with, perhaps that 'shaving' thing?

There are some similarities in your relationship with your husband with me and my wife, i too feel like my wife wants someone younger and more handsome etc etc. And she refuses counseling, but she is friendly to me.

I will pray for you

 

[kaylagrl]

No i don't feel blame from you, but even if i did, if that is what i need to hear, then it's all good.

You are certainly right about counseling, but she refuses to participate in counseling.

Counseling and other such activities designed to try to save a marriage have no guarantee of success, everyone knows this, but most people realize that, what have they got to loose from trying? nothing. So there is no logical reason not to try. And the reason she told me sounds like baloney, she told me she does not want our relationship to deteriorate any further. I think divorce is pretty much as worse as it can get, so yes, her reason is baloney. As i mentioned earlier (somewhere) i think she is scared of trying to save the marriage in case it works! And she does not want it to work because she has found someone else, or at least the idea of finding someone else, this is what makes sense.

I thought she was willing to go to counseling,my mistake.If that is the case you've done all you can do.I would at least say "Im willing to do what it takes to work on the marriage.If you have someone else, have the decency to let me know,thats only fair,and I'll let go".And if she does simply let her go.Her mind is made up,you've done your part and you've nothing to feel guilty about.It wont be easy but if shes found someone else there is little hope she'll change her mind.She will find out the grass isn't always greener.Thats a fantasy people tell themselves. Then your focus needs to be working on you and staying close to your daughter.But I would find out for certain if she had someone else.

 

[kaylagrl]

Women can cry for reasons other than the marriage, clinical depression for example. Caring husbands usually try to find out why if they can.



The Lord commanded 'let not the wife depart from her husband.' Where did He say, "But if she has some emotional reasons that are so hidden no one can figure them out without going to a counselor, then it's okay for her to leave."

A couple can have all kinds of emotional problems in the marriage. That doesn't mean it's okay to leave or divorce over it. If there is some really big secret (adultery, etc.) then mystikmind would know and could take that into account when reading my advice. I don't think we can find a spouse who hadn't made your normal marriage mistakes-- not spending enough time listening to a spouse, etc. Those sorts of things don't justify disobeying Christ. Having a talk with your spouse where you point out that leaving is immoral is a normal thing to do in this situation. One can do this while taking ownership for his own faults and sins at the same time.

Yes caring husbands do try and find out,we agree there.And wives are not the only ones that suffer depression.Men too have those issues.

Either your tone changed or I misunderstood you.I saw you saying go after her in a blunt manner and tell her shes a sinner and it seemed very arrogant to me.But in your last sentence you said " One can do this while taking ownership for his own faults and sins at the same time." I agree with that.Now if she is cheating on him thats a horse of another color.If she's not willing to seek help,thats different.I think she is in the wrong in that case.

 

[mystikmind]

I thought she was willing to go to counseling,my mistake.If that is the case you've done all you can do.I would at least say "Im willing to do what it takes to work on the marriage.If you have someone else, have the decency to let me know,thats only fair,and I'll let go".And if she does simply let her go.Her mind is made up,you've done your part and you've nothing to feel guilty about.It wont be easy but if shes found someone else there is little hope she'll change her mind.She will find out the grass isn't always greener.Thats a fantasy people tell themselves. Then your focus needs to be working on you and staying close to your daughter.But I would find out for certain if she had someone else.

See, this is the issue, in a Christian marriage, (aside from infidelity or abuse) who would ever suddenly tell their partner ok the marriage is over, then refuse to look at anything towards trying to save the marriage??????????????????????? no counselling, no trial break up, no previous conversation on breaking up, suddenly, its over the end, now sign these papers to sell the house, oh and buy the way, i think were still good friends. tell me, who does that?

A woman who has found someone else, that's who.

She says there is no one else, but I know my wife well, many times i have seen her lie to other people to avoid difficult situations, and i think this certainly qualifies as a 'difficult' situation!

Even back when she first announced the ending of our marriage she has been messaging on her mobile phone an awful lot, i found her messaging in the dark in the bedroom, i found her sitting in the car in the driveway after coming home from work messaging while i was inside looking after our Daughter, she messages all the time right next to me and if i move into a line of site she moves or puts the phone down. She gets up late at night to go messaging, she even goes outside sometimes to take some calls so i cannot hear, other calls she still answers inside as per normal, she has never done this before.

Given all the evidence, i do not know why she would think me such a fool to even bother lying to me about it. But i will continue to go along with it, i will continue to pretend i don't know, and i will continue to love her just the same. And who knows, it is not 'impossible' for me to be wrong, but i don't think it matters all that much either way, because the fact is, she will be with another man sooner or later.

 

[kaylagrl]

I just got on, I've only gotten on this site this week and as it is 4:00am I can relate with having a lot on my mind as well. I'm glad to see you are getting support from other men and advice. I know, as I'm sure you do, that God hates divorce and it was not His intention. I know what it says in 1Cor 7, which I believe has been brought up.

Um, forgive me for doing this, but I would greatly appreciate some advice myself. I love God and am devoted to Him, I haven't talked to anyone about this because I don't want to bring reproach to the Gospel, I witness and serve God anyway I can and I don't want to confuse anyone or hurt anything I've said for Jesus. But, I need help. My husband, the strongest man of God I've ever known, and I have been together many years. We served God together and were the happiest couple I've ever known. About 5 years ago, I was praying to draw even closer to God, Gods reply was always that it would cost. God in His greatness started moving shaving away people and things (God doesn't want us to have crutches to lean on, only Him). I should have just been overjoyed, but we started being persecuted and suffered through many things that are too many to mention. The toll of one thing after the next over these past few years has done something I would have never seen, we've turned on each other. We both want God only and to do His will yet it continues.
my husband bullies me, yells at me, and has humiliated me in front of our adopted teen (a girl who wants it to be just him and her) by saying stuff like I quit caring about you a long time ago, and threatening to file for divorce, or telling me to leave and find someone else. He had never done that ever before. Than if I try to talk or catch him in a lie (such as finding out he started a secret bank account), he's in my face yelling at me and sometimes worse.
I finally got to the point where I said I'd give him a divorce but then he said he just wanted his wife and peace. He blames me for everything, and I wonder if he's just pushing me to file so he doesn't look bad. I'm so lonely, this has gone on for 2 years now. He's nice to everyone but me and I feel humiliated because of how he treats me and every night I'm awake crying with no comfort from him only coldness. Sometimes he's so sweet, but if I do anything he's mad at me.

I feel like with all my crying and pleading with him I've made a fool of myself. There was a time before we were married when he chased me non stop and I was younger and beautiful (not to sound vain, but I wonder if this is because I'm getting older). I'm scared, I'm hurt, I'm humiliated. I was raised by my uncle and his wife and they hated me, and he rubs it in that I have no family. I have no money, no job (he wanted me to be a homemaker). Writing this now I don't want to make Christianity look bad. I don't believe Biblically I could remarry, and now I'm only in this marriage for survival and scared that I'll get older and it will be even worse if he leaves me later. He would never accept counseling or anything, that's not an option.

Sorry, for the novel I just wrote. Any help would be so appreciated, but mostly your prayers. I can only utter God help us at times.

Dawn if you dont mind my asking a few questions...You and your husband didnt have any issues,or big issues,until this persecution you are talking about,is that right? I know you have gone through a lot but can you give brief detail of the persecution you both faced? Some people can endure hardship and stress more than others.Could it be your husband has had a mental break down? I have been through the type of trials I think you are talking about.My family was in ministry and it has greatly affected my parents marriage.To the point that I believe one needs to go on medication. Im wondering if that is the same with your husband.

Secondly I would call his bluff.I would become independent as much as possible.No more pleading and crying.Pick yourself up and begin to act like you are single.What would you do if your husband died suddenly? Go and take a course,use gov't help if you need to and get independent. I'll tell you why I say this,when your husband sees you are ok on your own and that you are not pleading and depending on him it will open his eyes.He is being emotionally abusive and that is not ok and it is not Godly.You need to let him know that you are not going to tolerate that behavior and you'd rather be single and happy then married and miserable and abused.There is never,ever any excuse for abusing ones spouse.Act like you mean business and b proactive instead of passive.Let him know you will not stand for it anymore.The best way to do that is get as independent as possible.Make friends in your church,go out to ladies meetings,fill your time up with activities and no more tears.When he says you have no family tell him you have the family of God.Get active in your church,volunteer,take a class but do not shed anymore tears or beg him for anything.He needs a wake up call,give him one! You can survive being single if you have to.I hope you dont but you can do it.If you can go to counseling yourself go ahead and do it.Be strong in front of him and let him see you are no longer there for him to abuse.

You are not making Christianity look bad,he is! If you need to cry do it when he isn't there.Do not show him anymore weakness.If you can make crafts,have a yard sale,sell old books anything you can do to make some money go and do it and start your own bank account.When he begins to yell at you in front of the daughter simply turn and walk away.Go for a walk or a drive but dont take any more of that.The daughter is disrespecting you because your husband is.She feels its ok.Dont let it be ok.Walk away.If you have a good friend go spend time with them.If not,make a friend and busy yourself with other things.I say once again,do not put up with any more abuse.God does not expect that of you! Your husband is not being Christlike and abuse is always wrong,always! I hope something I said helps you in some way.I really feel for you.Blessings on you.Please keep us updated to your situation.