My wife wants a divorce and wont even consider trying to 'work it out'

  • Christian Chat is a moderated online Christian community allowing Christians around the world to fellowship with each other in real time chat via webcam, voice, and text, with the Christian Chat app. You can also start or participate in a Bible-based discussion here in the Christian Chat Forums, where members can also share with each other their own videos, pictures, or favorite Christian music.

    If you are a Christian and need encouragement and fellowship, we're here for you! If you are not a Christian but interested in knowing more about Jesus our Lord, you're also welcome! Want to know what the Bible says, and how you can apply it to your life? Join us!

    To make new Christian friends now around the world, click here to join Christian Chat.
K

kaylagrl

Guest
#241
#241
mystikmind said:
See, this is the issue, in a Christian marriage, (aside from infidelity or abuse) who would ever suddenly tell their partner ok the marriage is over, then refuse to look at anything towards trying to save the marriage??????????????????????? no counselling, no trial break up, no previous conversation on breaking up, suddenly, its over the end, now sign these papers to sell the house, oh and buy the way, i think were still good friends. tell me, who does that?

A woman who has found someone else, that's who.

She says there is no one else, but I know my wife well, many times i have seen her lie to other people to avoid difficult situations, and i think this certainly qualifies as a 'difficult' situation!

Even back when she first announced the ending of our marriage she has been messaging on her mobile phone an awful lot, i found her messaging in the dark in the bedroom, i found her sitting in the car in the driveway after coming home from work messaging while i was inside looking after our Daughter, she messages all the time right next to me and if i move into a line of site she moves or puts the phone down. She gets up late at night to go messaging, she even goes outside sometimes to take some calls so i cannot hear, other calls she still answers inside as per normal, she has never done this before.

Given all the evidence, i do not know why she would think me such a fool to even bother lying to me about it. But i will continue to go along with it, i will continue to pretend i don't know, and i will continue to love her just the same. And who knows, it is not 'impossible' for me to be wrong, but i don't think it matters all that much either way, because the fact is, she will be with another man sooner or later.
Click to expand...

Well I dont think you told this part before,or I missed it.This changes everything.I tell you this much,if that was my spouse I would check that phone out when she wasn't looking.Her phone would suddenly go missing.You have a right to know and a right for her to be honest with you.If she wont be honest take the phone and find out for yourself.Listen in on the calls when she doesn't know it.Find out the truth.Then when you do face her with it.Dont be passive,let her know straight out what you think.Dont get nasty but be straight.Then I would give her a divorce and be done with her.If she's cheating you have a right to leave her.But I sure would find out the truth and face her with it.You say "she will be with another man sooner or later" if she's cheating on you you dont need or want her in your life.If shes not adult enough to face you and to deal with the issues you all have then you dont need to have anything more to do with her.Let her become another mans problem.Once the new wears off her relationship she'll see the grass isnt greener.And if she comes knocking at your door then your answer is NO!
 
M

mystikmind

Guest
#242
#242
kaylagrl said:
Well I dont think you told this part before,or I missed it.This changes everything.I tell you this much,if that was my spouse I would check that phone out when she wasn't looking.Her phone would suddenly go missing.You have a right to know and a right for her to be honest with you.If she wont be honest take the phone and find out for yourself.Listen in on the calls when she doesn't know it.Find out the truth.Then when you do face her with it.Dont be passive,let her know straight out what you think.Dont get nasty but be straight.Then I would give her a divorce and be done with her.If she's cheating you have a right to leave her.But I sure would find out the truth and face her with it.You say "she will be with another man sooner or later" if she's cheating on you you dont need or want her in your life.If shes not adult enough to face you and to deal with the issues you all have then you dont need to have anything more to do with her.Let her become another mans problem.Once the new wears off her relationship she'll see the grass isnt greener.And if she comes knocking at your door then your answer is NO!
Click to expand...
Thanks for getting angry for me Kaylagrl, i appreciate it.

I think my wife probably believes that all she has to do is tell me the marriage is over and that is enough. In her mind she is now free to do whatever she wants.

In between my moments of feeling angry and betrayed, i feel compassion and love for my wife. And although it would give me some satisfaction to see her stumble because of this path she has chosen, that satisfaction is not worth the price of more sadness and heartache for her, i would rather see her find happiness, and she will have my forgiveness too, this is the only thing left that i can give to her.
 
D

DawnIs12

Guest
#243
#243
Mystikmind. Thank you for your reply, it feels wonderful to talk about this. As for "God takes away our crutches", I was quoting A.W. Tozer, and probably very sloppily explaining what Jesus mentioned about following Him and what comes with that if you truly are His, and doing things His way and not the worlds and those around you.

We have children together, and everything was wonderful. I believe the husband is the head of our family, and what the Bible says in all ways on the subject (this is why most other women dislike me, lol). But, you are correct in what you said, only in reverse. We adopted a girl who's now 14. We had known her, she was not a relative, and I love her very much. When she came home after a long year going through all the legal requirements, background, home checks, etc she came home. We were warned by cps that her behavior was to lean toward men in inappropriate ways (she had learned because of her past to dislike women). She and I had been so close when she was little (I hadn't seen her for a long time before the adoption) that I didn't think it would be a problem. However, since she's come home she "stalks" my husband, has said I need to leave,she should run the house, she wants us divorced, you get it. It's gotten so bad with her treatment toward me in the past, I've pleaded with him to say something. My argument has been he could have stopped this the first month by taking care of things, but he only comes after me, never her being disaplined. It's humiliating. The first blow was over a year ago with her next to him, I was in tears and said don't you care about me? He said "I quit caring about you a long time ago". Than the yelling, bullying, divorce threats all came. I've just been in shock. It's like he hates me and I've become pathetic and want my husband back. If he spends 10 minutes with me she goes crazy texting him and has openly said it makes her jealous. He won't disapline no matter what she does, just looks tired of "dealing with it all" and says this needs to end. I'm working hard on giving her love and explaining things, and it's been working and she's really starting to love having a mom but he's checked out a long time ago of the situation. When I'm out now by myself, I sometimes have men flirt with me, I act like I should. But at one place where we get water there was a man making me so uncomfortable, that I told my husband to please go with me last night, he told me to "take a gun". After getting treated coldly last night after that, we were both up a lot but not together. If I say anything, which sadly I do, I get yelled at and cry. He doesn't treat me like a wife, he actually challenged me to fight him once (that's wrong and he can really hurt me). I hate being treated like this, it's like my husband is gone and I don't know who he is. He even looks at me with contempt. I don't want to sin, and now I have to battle the flesh in thinking how nice it would be to have someone to talk to, and oh how I would love just to be hugged but I know that would be sin and I love God more.

on his text, he protects himself won't answer direct questions, and says he loves me and wants his wife, but in person he's very mean.
 
D

DawnIs12

Guest
#244
#244
Kaylagrl, thank you for your kindness. I feel like you get how I feel. I think your right, I need to step out of this situation and start doing my own thing. God can handle this, He is greater than evil. I think I'll start walking, getting away from the house, and not let this all hurt me anymore. As far as persecution, Jesus says we will be-not might be, if we belong to Him and I need to count my sufferings as joy. God is all I need. Thank you so much
 
K

kaylagrl

Guest
#245
#245
mystikmind said:
Thanks for getting angry for me Kaylagrl, i appreciate it.

I think my wife probably believes that all she has to do is tell me the marriage is over and that is enough. In her mind she is now free to do whatever she wants.

In between my moments of feeling angry and betrayed, i feel compassion and love for my wife. And although it would give me some satisfaction to see her stumble because of this path she has chosen, that satisfaction is not worth the price of more sadness and heartache for her, i would rather see her find happiness, and she will have my forgiveness too, this is the only thing left that i can give to her.
Click to expand...
Its not easy not to be angry.But all it will do is hurt you more in the end and like you said,her too.If she has made up her mind its best to let her go.But that doesn't mean God cant still work in this situation.And if she doesn't allow him to work in her life he can still work in yours.Whatever happens stay close to God.He has a plan for your life no matter what your wife decides to do and He will carry you through.
 
K

kaylagrl

Guest
#246
#246
DawnIs12 said:
Kaylagrl, thank you for your kindness. I feel like you get how I feel. I think your right, I need to step out of this situation and start doing my own thing. God can handle this, He is greater than evil. I think I'll start walking, getting away from the house, and not let this all hurt me anymore. As far as persecution, Jesus says we will be-not might be, if we belong to Him and I need to count my sufferings as joy. God is all I need. Thank you so much
Click to expand...
Exactly! Get involved in church and church friends.God will help you through. When your husband sees you walking away hopefully he will wake up and realize you dont have to take abuse from him.Hopefully he will be convicted and stop what he's doing.Keep in touch and let us know how you are doing.
 
P

presidente

Senior Member
#247
May 29, 2013
9,166
1,797
113
#247
Mystikmind,

If you are on the same cell phone plan with your wife, you may be able to order a record of recent calls and texts. This allows you to check out charges, etc. You can see if your wife is texting a boyfriend. She's gone now, but you may want to know what is going on. You do have a daughter who will be effected by her decisions.
 
K

kaylagrl

Guest
#248
#248
presidente said:
Mystikmind,

If you are on the same cell phone plan with your wife, you may be able to order a record of recent calls and texts. This allows you to check out charges, etc. You can see if your wife is texting a boyfriend. She's gone now, but you may want to know what is going on. You do have a daughter who will be effected by her decisions.
Click to expand...
Yep,agree with you there.If she's cheating she should tell him the truth.If not he needs to find out and face her with it.
 
K

kaylagrl

Guest
#249
#249
DawnIs12 said:
Mystikmind. Thank you for your reply, it feels wonderful to talk about this. As for "God takes away our crutches", I was quoting A.W. Tozer, and probably very sloppily explaining what Jesus mentioned about following Him and what comes with that if you truly are His, and doing things His way and not the worlds and those around you.

We have children together, and everything was wonderful. I believe the husband is the head of our family, and what the Bible says in all ways on the subject (this is why most other women dislike me, lol). But, you are correct in what you said, only in reverse. We adopted a girl who's now 14. We had known her, she was not a relative, and I love her very much. When she came home after a long year going through all the legal requirements, background, home checks, etc she came home. We were warned by cps that her behavior was to lean toward men in inappropriate ways (she had learned because of her past to dislike women). She and I had been so close when she was little (I hadn't seen her for a long time before the adoption) that I didn't think it would be a problem. However, since she's come home she "stalks" my husband, has said I need to leave,she should run the house, she wants us divorced, you get it. It's gotten so bad with her treatment toward me in the past, I've pleaded with him to say something. My argument has been he could have stopped this the first month by taking care of things, but he only comes after me, never her being disaplined. It's humiliating. The first blow was over a year ago with her next to him, I was in tears and said don't you care about me? He said "I quit caring about you a long time ago". Than the yelling, bullying, divorce threats all came. I've just been in shock. It's like he hates me and I've become pathetic and want my husband back. If he spends 10 minutes with me she goes crazy texting him and has openly said it makes her jealous. He won't disapline no matter what she does, just looks tired of "dealing with it all" and says this needs to end. I'm working hard on giving her love and explaining things, and it's been working and she's really starting to love having a mom but he's checked out a long time ago of the situation. When I'm out now by myself, I sometimes have men flirt with me, I act like I should. But at one place where we get water there was a man making me so uncomfortable, that I told my husband to please go with me last night, he told me to "take a gun". After getting treated coldly last night after that, we were both up a lot but not together. If I say anything, which sadly I do, I get yelled at and cry. He doesn't treat me like a wife, he actually challenged me to fight him once (that's wrong and he can really hurt me). I hate being treated like this, it's like my husband is gone and I don't know who he is. He even looks at me with contempt. I don't want to sin, and now I have to battle the flesh in thinking how nice it would be to have someone to talk to, and oh how I would love just to be hugged but I know that would be sin and I love God more.

on his text, he protects himself won't answer direct questions, and says he loves me and wants his wife, but in person he's very mean.
Click to expand...

Dawn I just read this post.You really have a problem there with the young lady and it is putting you and your husband in danger besides ruining your marriage.The young girl seems deceptive and possessive of your husband.If she accused him of molesting her,which seems very possible she would,or you of abusing her,well you'd be in a lot of trouble.I would get her in to counseling as soon as possible.She has issues with boundaries and sex and no good can come of it.Your husband should never be alone with her,nor should you for that matter.She has issues that need to be dealt with,right now.

Your husband challenging you to fight him worries me.You need to be sure you have a safe place to go in an emergency and a friend you can call if you are ever in trouble.I dont want to step out of line here but you do not suspect anything going on sexually between your husband and your daughter do you? The fact that her protects her and demeans you...I dont know I may be way,way off base.Only you know that.But you need to protect yourself if your husband is being as abusive as he sounds.Please be careful and aware of your surroundings as to what is going on.Something deeper is happening here Dawn.You need to be strong,I know that is very hard,but find out and get to the bottom of what is really going on.
 
M

mystikmind

Guest
#250
#250
kaylagrl said:
Yep,agree with you there.If she's cheating she should tell him the truth.If not he needs to find out and face her with it.
Click to expand...
My wife has said a number of times now that our daughter is her number 1 priority in all of this. So if my wife thinks not telling me about her boyfriend helps our daughter, then she will never tell and she will never reveal him to anyone until much later on and she will pretend to everyone the relationship is new, and i will have to look that man in the face and pretend to be nice, all the while knowing he was the one coaching my wife to divorce me right from the start. Would it be so un-Christian to feel like giving him a big punch in the head?? lol
 
D

DawnIs12

Guest
#251
#251
Dawn I just read this post.You really have a problem there with the young lady and it is putting you and your husband in danger besides ruining your marriage.The young girl seems deceptive and possessive of your husband.If she accused him of molesting her,which seems very possible she would,or you of abusing her,well you'd be in a lot of trouble.I would get her in to counseling as soon as possible.She has issues with boundaries and sex and no good can come of it.Your husband should never be alone with her,nor should you for that matter.She has issues that need to be dealt with,right now.


Your husband challenging you to fight him worries me.You need to be sure you have a safe place to go in an emergency and a friend you can call if you are ever in trouble.I dont want to step out of line here but you do not suspect anything going on sexually between your husband and your daughter do you? The fact that her protects her and demeans you...I dont know I may be way,way off base.Only you know that.But you need to protect yourself if your husband is being as abusive as he sounds.Please be careful and aware of your surroundings as to what is going on.Something deeper is happening here Dawn.You need to be strong,I know that is very hard,but find out and get to the bottom of what is really going on.


hello again, believe me I've thought of everything and have watched like a hawk. My husband, who was sexually abused as a child, hates that sort of thing and he's always been a super dad with our other children (who are now out of the house, our 20 year old moved out because of the fighting). I put the age I was saved on my profile (nervous about putting bday as I've never been on a chat room before). I'm 45 and was married as a teen, as the two people who raised me were getting a divorce and I wanted out of that home. I'm scared, he says he wants his wife and to stay married, but blows up if I ask any questions about things he's said or done. He does seem to try with me, but anything can get him yelling at me. He has hit me, but tries not to, it's mostly just yelling. I know it sounds whimpy, but I don't want to be alone or not have a home. I'm going to try to do better myself and just show him love, but I honestly sometimes wonder how I can take this until she's grown! She wants to be right next to him, and in the past did say she thought of him as a boyfriend, I've talked to her and she says he's not done anything but been a dad to her. But it does bother me that when she was saying stuff, and sending him inappropriate text I wasn't suppose to see, he's reaction was to viciously come after me. I thought he was trying to push me to divorce him, but he says he doesn't want one. I try hard to make things good for my daughter, and it seems to be helping but she is still obsessed with him (and would be this way with any man and has been to any she's around). I'm trying to help her so she has no problems later, but admit it has taken a toll on me and my family. Please pray my husband acts as he ought and puts an end to this behavior. I've been going solo in my attempts to set boundaries. I have no one but God, I don't have extended family and I have no friends that I'm close to. He knows this, and reminds me all to often. Reading what I'm writing, I would think what a creep, get out. But I've seen women alone, and have to confess I'm hoping for the best. I know God is greater than any evil and can crush this, I also know he loves God, but he is so changed I've wondered if he has a brain tumor at times! I'm a wimp, when we first got married if he'd hurt me, he'd be sorry and so nice but now that I'm older there's no remorse just blames me. And the attack we first came into was by people we thought were our friends and fellow Christians that came into our church, it was the most evil thing I've seen inside church walls. I forgive, but it did take a toll on us. After that we've had death to deal with, and many other things but thank God way more things to be joyful about so I should have let all that go a long time ago. Thank you for talking with me, you cannot know how much it means to me.
 
D

DawnIs12

Guest
#252
#252
Sorry, I'm not sure that I'm responding correctly, new to this. My above message was for kaylagrl
 
M

mystikmind

Guest
#253
#253
Dawn... You probably already realize this but very young adults don't know how to handle all these new 'adult' emotions that they feel and extreme situations can very quickly develop.

As for your husband? I really don't know, but let me suggest one other possibility... very deeply seated guilt and or self loathing can generate that kind of behavior in men, and it can be exceedingly destructive to men with very high Christian moral standards. He will be at war with himself, and you will sometimes come into his line of fire. The hatred he throws at you, is probably a reflection of the hatred he feels for himself. Also, I'm not sure about this too, but because you are his wife, he feels you are a part of him, and if he hates himself then.... get my drift?

If any of this is true, then the answer is that he has to learn to forgive and love himself before you can restore your marriage. It is possible he has a long way to fall yet before God will have an opportunity to turn this around, i pray that is not the case.
 
D

DawnIs12

Guest
#254
#254
mystikmind said:
Dawn... You probably already realize this but very young adults don't know how to handle all these new 'adult' emotions that they feel and extreme situations can very quickly develop.

As for your husband? I really don't know, but let me suggest one other possibility... very deeply seated guilt and or self loathing can generate that kind of behavior in men, and it can be exceedingly destructive to men with very high Christian moral standards. He will be at war with himself, and you will sometimes come into his line of fire. The hatred he throws at you, is probably a reflection of the hatred he feels for himself. Also, I'm not sure about this too, but because you are his wife, he feels you are a part of him, and if he hates himself then.... get my drift?

If any of this is true, then the answer is that he has to learn to forgive and love himself before you can restore your marriage. It is possible he has a long way to fall yet before God will have an opportunity to turn this around, i pray that is not the case.
Click to expand...

He he was the best man of God I'd ever seen, and has been hurt and been through so much too. I think you have very good points, and I have been on him a lot about everything; I get no answers and he feels he's married to a contentious woman. I asked him again tonight (he's working again) if we could spend time together tonight and he wants to and says he wants me but will never admit he's done anything wrong, he especially guards what he says in his text (yet yells at me in person or on the phone). I asked him in a text (that's the safest way for me to try to get him to talk) if he wanted a divorce and was trying to get custody of our daughter, but he will never text that he wouldn't try to get custody. That bothers me, because I think.....has he told her he'd fight for her in a divorce? She use to say she wanted us to divorce and would write me letters saying she couldn't help it but hated me and her siblings. In all this, he just changed and acted like he hated me when I said anything. I have had trouble not pestering him about all this and I need to stop, "love keeps no record of wrongs" . I don't want to nag him or bring things up. My daughter, I need to say too has come a long way and just wants things "normal", as she says now but she still has trouble wanting attention from men (shed been in different homes before she was adopted and always had trouble with the woman or felt abandoned-like from her birth mom). But we get closer daily and I do think she loves and trust me now that I'm here for her.
 
D

DawnIs12

Guest
#255
#255
I'm sorry by the way to talk about myself and hope that God is allowed to clean out the trouble in your marriage and restore you to one another for His Glory.
 
D

DawnIs12

Guest
#256
#256
As I hope for myself and my husband
 
M

mystikmind

Guest
#257
#257
Dawn, There is an interesting philosophical/scientific concept i like to imagine about sometimes; What happens when an unstoppable object collides with an immovable object?

You do not see this in nature, but i often see it in people! What i mean is, there is a collision going on inside the person and neither side will relent. There is going to be allot of turmoil while this is going on, and the person cannot be honest about what they are going through, because being honest is to close to one side relenting, and the person cannot let that happen, not until they are ready.
 
D

DawnIs12

Guest
#258
#258
mystikmind said:
Dawn, There is an interesting philosophical/scientific concept i like to imagine about sometimes; What happens when an unstoppable object collides with an immovable object?

You do not see this in nature, but i often see it in people! What i mean is, there is a collision going on inside the person and neither side will relent. There is going to be allot of turmoil while this is going on, and the person cannot be honest about what they are going through, because being honest is to close to one side relenting, and the person cannot let that happen, not until they are ready.
Click to expand...
Well said :)
 
D

DawnIs12

Guest
#259
#259
kaylagrl said:
Dawn I just read this post.You really have a problem there with the young lady and it is putting you and your husband in danger besides ruining your marriage.The young girl seems deceptive and possessive of your husband.If she accused him of molesting her,which seems very possible she would,or you of abusing her,well you'd be in a lot of trouble.I would get her in to counseling as soon as possible.She has issues with boundaries and sex and no good can come of it.Your husband should never be alone with her,nor should you for that matter.She has issues that need to be dealt with,right now.

Your husband challenging you to fight him worries me.You need to be sure you have a safe place to go in an emergency and a friend you can call if you are ever in trouble.I dont want to step out of line here but you do not suspect anything going on sexually between your husband and your daughter do you? The fact that her protects her and demeans you...I dont know I may be way,way off base.Only you know that.But you need to protect yourself if your husband is being as abusive as he sounds.Please be careful and aware of your surroundings as to what is going on.Something deeper is happening here Dawn.You need to be strong,I know that is very hard,but find out and get to the bottom of what is really going on.
Click to expand...
sorry this is a repost since I figured out how to do this:
hello again, believe me I've thought of everything and have watched like a hawk. My husband, who was sexually abused as a child, hates that sort of thing and he's always been a super dad with our other children (who are now out of the house, our 20 year old moved out because of the fighting). I put the age I was saved on my profile (nervous about putting bday as I've never been on a chat room before). I'm 45 and was married as a teen, as the two people who raised me were getting a divorce and I wanted out of that home. I'm scared, he says he wants his wife and to stay married, but blows up if I ask any questions about things he's said or done. He does seem to try with me, but anything can get him yelling at me. He has hit me, but tries not to, it's mostly just yelling. I know it sounds whimpy, but I don't want to be alone or not have a home. I'm going to try to do better myself and just show him love, but I honestly sometimes wonder how I can take this until she's grown! She wants to be right next to him, and in the past did say she thought of him as a boyfriend, I've talked to her and she says he's not done anything but been a dad to her. But it does bother me that when she was saying stuff, and sending him inappropriate text I wasn't suppose to see, he's reaction was to viciously come after me. I thought he was trying to push me to divorce him, but he says he doesn't want one. I try hard to make things good for my daughter, and it seems to be helping but she is still obsessed with him (and would be this way with any man and has been to any she's around). I'm trying to help her so she has no problems later, but admit it has taken a toll on me and my family. Please pray my husband acts as he ought and puts an end to this behavior. I've been going solo in my attempts to set boundaries. I have no one but God, I don't have extended family and I have no friends that I'm close to. He knows this, and reminds me all to often. Reading what I'm writing, I would think what a creep, get out. But I've seen women alone, and have to confess I'm hoping for the best. I know God is greater than any evil and can crush this, I also know he loves God, but he is so changed I've wondered if he has a brain tumor at times! I'm a wimp, when we first got married if he'd hurt me, he'd be sorry and so nice but now that I'm older there's no remorse just blames me. And the attack we first came into was by people we thought were our friends and fellow Christians that came into our church, it was the most evil thing I've seen inside church walls. I forgive, but it did take a toll on us. After that we've had death to deal with, and many other things but thank God way more things to be joyful about so I should have let all that go a long time ago. Thank you for talking with me, you cannot know how much it means to me.
 
D

DawnIs12

Guest
#260
#260
He just came in for a minute and had to leave again for work ( I do believe he's really working). I am hoping that everything will be better, I don't think he would ever do anything inappropriate and he seems also to want things restored between us. I'm going to try to just show love and quit trying to get him to listen or give an apology or anything. Every time though I see my daughter next to him it does make me mad, he humiliated me and rewarded her bad behavior (get it out of my system here). I'm going to pray continually still that we all are as we ought to be for God. Hope everyone is having a good night. :)
 
You must log in or register to reply here.