My wife wants a divorce and wont even consider trying to 'work it out'

[kaylagrl]

Now that i think of it, yes, my wife knows the password to my email, my computer has no password to log on, she can pick up my phone any time and check it, she can see my phone records.

The entire time i knew her, i never once saw her phone records, i never had access to her email, i never had access to her phone (locked), well to be honest, i don't know if i could have a while back, because i never tried, i had complete trust for her.

You know, she actually made it one of her complaints that she sees her freinds getting phone calls from their husbands asking them where they are and what they are doing and what time their coming home, i don't do that, (unless something unexpected happens) and she is jealous of them!?!?

Also after my wife told me it's over, as part of my recovery plan, i wanted to try to learn to be more sociable, so i opened a Facebook page. My wife refused to friend me.... meanwhile she is telling me we should still be friends?? It may be normal for a woman not to want to friend someone they see as an ex, even if they are still friends and have a child together, any women here, is that an understandable thing? Or is it a clear signal she has something to hide? Even her mother, which i thought i have a good relationship with, refused to friend me on Facebook? What does her mother know that i don't?

I cant say for certain,I just know my husband and I dont hide cell phones or emails etc. Hes never on the computer but he knows my password. We dont talk to the opposite sex in emails or on facebook.We remove the temptation.Nothing should be hidden and certainly not a facebook page.It just seems she's not being honest with you and at this point it doesn't sense.Why not lay all the cards on the table? I think I would try and find the truth but then I dont know what good knowing will do.It will only hurt deeper and make you angry.Still as long as she is there you can try your best.But if she is cheating would you want her to stay?

 

[kaylagrl]

Hello, I just got on. I told my husband about this site and he doesn't want me on, so I feel bad about this but I like having someone to talk to. Things were better today, as long as I don't bring things up, its good, he will get mad quickly though if I do bring things up and blames me for everything. I believe nothing inappropriate is happening with him and our adopted daughter, I watch closely and she and I are getting to be a close and normal mom & daughter. She says things are normal and she thinks of him like a dad now, she still wants all his attention but he seems to show her normal dad attention. He never hurt our kids, and does hate that sort of thing. I don't think he's capable of it. Why he was so mean to me and did nothing to help with her when all that happened is beyond me. It was awful. The bank account is still kept secret. As long as I don't make him mad, things are good and he's trying hard to be sweet. He was 99% of the time the best husband in the world until the last couple of years. He does get physical when I really make him mad, he rarely did in the past years and use to be sorry. Now he just blames me. He tries to just stay away though, so he won't hurt me if he's mad. He is a good man, just hurt himself too. He just wants to serve and follow God and have peace in our household as I do, and I have said mean things too I need to stop as well. Things are going good now though, as long as I don't upset him. He's getting out of the shower. Gtg thanks

I wish you all the best. But a good and Godly man does not hit his wife,humiliate her and yell at her if he doesn't like what she's saying.It seems like you think you deserve this behavior.You do not.I hope one day your eyes will be opened and you will realize that a husbands love should mirror that of Christs love for the church.I don't want to upset you,things seem to be going well for you now.But I will leave you with this Bible verse...

[h=1]1 Corinthians- Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.8 Love never fails.[/h]

 

[mystikmind]

I cant say for certain,I just know my husband and I dont hide cell phones or emails etc. Hes never on the computer but he knows my password. We dont talk to the opposite sex in emails or on facebook.We remove the temptation.Nothing should be hidden and certainly not a facebook page.It just seems she's not being honest with you and at this point it doesn't sense.Why not lay all the cards on the table? I think I would try and find the truth but then I dont know what good knowing will do.It will only hurt deeper and make you angry.Still as long as she is there you can try your best.But if she is cheating would you want her to stay?

That's right, knowing won't do much good. There is little difference in my mind weather she is with another man now or later on. Because the divorce means another man is a fact, when and where is irrelevant. And not being certain, at least i have a tiny bit of doubt left to hold on to and then one day when my daughter is older and asks about these things i won't have to lie to her (it could be a lie, but because I'm not certain, it won't count as a lie).

As for taking her back if she has cheated, i probably would, i know i would, my love is too strong for me to do anything else. And if she has cheated, well, there is a part of me that would feel kindof relieved to finally have some evidence she actually likes sex!!!!!!!!! What i mean is, there was love and desire, but never lust, i never felt one iota of lust from her, the whole time we were together. If she cheated, then wanted to come back, i would have more hope of restoring a normal sex life than what i do now, because i would know there was something there to be found.

 

[kaylagrl]

That's right, knowing won't do much good. There is little difference in my mind weather she is with another man now or later on. Because the divorce means another man is a fact, when and where is irrelevant. And not being certain, at least i have a tiny bit of doubt left to hold on to and then one day when my daughter is older and asks about these things i won't have to lie to her (it could be a lie, but because I'm not certain, it won't count as a lie).

As for taking her back if she has cheated, i probably would, i know i would, my love is too strong for me to do anything else. And if she has cheated, well, there is a part of me that would feel kindof relieved to finally have some evidence she actually likes sex!!!!!!!!! What i mean is, there was love and desire, but never lust, i never felt one iota of lust from her, the whole time we were together. If she cheated, then wanted to come back, i would have more hope of restoring a normal sex life than what i do now, because i would know there was something there to be found.

That would seem so odd to me that during your relationship she would not be interested in sex and then cheat on you.You said that she never was really interested in your relationship. So its not like its just against you but just her normal demeanor.Did anything happen in her past that would make her avoid sex that you know of?

 

[mystikmind]

That would seem so odd to me that during your relationship she would not be interested in sex and then cheat on you.You said that she never was really interested in your relationship. So its not like its just against you but just her normal demeanor.Did anything happen in her past that would make her avoid sex that you know of?

She was very interested in the relationship for the first 4 years we were together and then the first 3 years of marriage after that. Just not so interested in sex. She told me it was because she was always tired because i do not help around the house enough, and that may be true, but also she never lets herself get enough sleep, always staying up late, she has always done this, i know it cannot be healthy, and i tried so hard to convince her but she just kept saying she is just a night owl... which is 'great', just great, do that and then refuse sex with your husband because your always tired, but it's ok because your a night owl! These last few years she has been getting increasingly bad headaches as well, but it is never from not getting enough sleep (according to her).

 

[kaylagrl]

She was very interested in the relationship for the first 4 years we were together and then the first 3 years of marriage after that. Just not so interested in sex. She told me it was because she was always tired because i do not help around the house enough, and that may be true, but also she never lets herself get enough sleep, always staying up late, she has always done this, i know it cannot be healthy, and i tried so hard to convince her but she just kept saying she is just a night owl... which is 'great', just great, do that and then refuse sex with your husband because your always tired, but it's ok because your a night owl! These last few years she has been getting increasingly bad headaches as well, but it is never from not getting enough sleep (according to her).

Really seems like she's using being tired as her go to excuse.If she is that tired and cant sleep she needs a doctors visit.Some women do have the issue of no desire and dont realize its a health issue and not because of their partner.Avoid issues wont help her in her relationship with you or any other man.New man,new set of issues.She'd do herself a favor to be mature enough to deal with her issues in herself and in the marriage.Leaving open wounds hurts her along with you.

 

[firstaider_2010]

Hi
I am a very private person and will not allow anyone to know my passwords for anything..
My late hub and I trusted each other and that trust was never violated. I think it's ok to talk to another human being ( male or female) but watch what you say and keep it clean.
Firstaider

 

[kaylagrl]

Hi
I am a very private person and will not allow anyone to know my passwords for anything..
My late hub and I trusted each other and that trust was never violated. I think it's ok to talk to another human being ( male or female) but watch what you say and keep it clean.
Firstaider

Well I know a lot of people who fell because they had issues in their marriage and turned to the opposite sex to talk it out and fell for them.Marriages have issues and problems and sometimes you feel you need someone else to talk to.Very easy to be tempted by talking to the opposite sex. Im private too but a husband and wife are one according to the Bible.He has a right to know my passwords and I his.JMO

 

[house13um]

First off, my condolences to you. I'm just now getting apprised of your situation, and I empathize strongly with the plight of the situation.

Have you guys ever heard of a book by Gary Chapman called The Marriage You Always Wanted?...

One book I recommend on my blog is by Chapman. If you haven't read it yet, it's Hope for the Separated. I didn't pick it up until several months after my wife left, mostly because I had no idea it existed. It's a good book to read through a journey like this, regardless of if you ultimately intend to remain faithful to your vows or not. I strongly recommend it.

One thing Chapman has to say in this book about separation is this:

"Sometimes an individual says to his partner, “I want you to be happy. If leaving will make you happy, then leave. It hurts, but I want you to be happy.” On the surface that may sound very loving and self-sacrificing, but in reality it is neither. Love seeks the good of the spouse. According to the Scriptures it is not good for them to break their marital vows and to leave. Therefore, they should not be encouraged to do so. (87)"

Just like I had to decide with my vows, every Christian who is separated and is familiar with New Testament scripture will have to decide upon which motives to make the next move. Will I let go of my spouse in order to make them feel better in the immediacy of the situation? Will I let them go because I can't handle the pain? Will I remain faithful for this, that, whatever reason? At no point have I ever tried to relinquish all my ties with my wife, even when I was in the middle of my affair with the other woman. But I have always respected the distance she wants -- well, at least after the first couple weeks' shock factor... I'm sure you understand how that goes.

I'm not here to offer advice on this forum, just my input and experience, so take from this what you will. But I would definitely check that book out at some point, and I will be hoping that all pans out for the best on your end.

 

[presidente]

That would seem so odd to me that during your relationship she would not be interested in sex and then cheat on you.You said that she never was really interested in your relationship. So its not like its just against you but just her normal demeanor.Did anything happen in her past that would make her avoid sex that you know of?

If there was an affair, who knows how long it's been going on?

 

[mystikmind]

First off, my condolences to you. I'm just now getting apprised of your situation, and I empathize strongly with the plight of the situation.



One book I recommend on my blog is by Chapman. If you haven't read it yet, it's Hope for the Separated. I didn't pick it up until several months after my wife left, mostly because I had no idea it existed. It's a good book to read through a journey like this, regardless of if you ultimately intend to remain faithful to your vows or not. I strongly recommend it.

One thing Chapman has to say in this book about separation is this:

"Sometimes an individual says to his partner, “I want you to be happy. If leaving will make you happy, then leave. It hurts, but I want you to be happy.” On the surface that may sound very loving and self-sacrificing, but in reality it is neither. Love seeks the good of the spouse. According to the Scriptures it is not good for them to break their marital vows and to leave. Therefore, they should not be encouraged to do so. (87)"

Just like I had to decide with my vows, every Christian who is separated and is familiar with New Testament scripture will have to decide upon which motives to make the next move. Will I let go of my spouse in order to make them feel better in the immediacy of the situation? Will I let them go because I can't handle the pain? Will I remain faithful for this, that, whatever reason? At no point have I ever tried to relinquish all my ties with my wife, even when I was in the middle of my affair with the other woman. But I have always respected the distance she wants -- well, at least after the first couple weeks' shock factor... I'm sure you understand how that goes.

I'm not here to offer advice on this forum, just my input and experience, so take from this what you will. But I would definitely check that book out at some point, and I will be hoping that all pans out for the best on your end.

Thank you, and yes what you say about letting them go if it makes them happy is true, that is correct. Except in my situation it is not a case of choosing between option A and option B, because option A is locked out, so all i have left is option B, i may as well let her go to make her happy, option C is fight her going, make her unhappy, but she goes anyway, So option B is the best option available.

 

[mystikmind]

If there was an affair, who knows how long it's been going on?

It is possible, but one thing is certain, she has known this guy a long time and confided in him.

 

[kaylagrl]

If there was an affair, who knows how long it's been going on?

Good question!

 

[mystikmind]

Update:

I looked on Ebay tonight. Auto complete reminded me what my wifes ebay username is.

I looked at her feedback, there was this one store she had about 10 different purchases with over the past month. I looked at that ebay store.

they sell only sexy lingerie and jewelry. I took a close look at all the jewelry and i have never seen my wife wearing any of that jewelry.

I also find one pair of very red and 'very' sexy panties in her clothes draw, still had the tag on it. It was right up the back, could have easily been missed by her when she packed to move out. Here is the link to the store she bought them from;
Bassoni Lingerie Online

The realization of truth Kindof hits home quite a bit harder than i anticipated. I really feel like shit.

Anyone know a good Christian lawyer in Sydney Australia?

 

[blue_ladybug]

Update:

I looked on Ebay tonight. Auto complete reminded me what my wifes ebay username is.

I looked at her feedback, there was this one store she had about 10 different purchases with over the past month. I looked at that ebay store.

they sell only sexy lingerie and jewelry. I took a close look at all the jewelry and i have never seen my wife wearing any of that jewelry.

I also find one pair of very red and 'very' sexy panties in her clothes draw, still had the tag on it. It was right up the back, could have easily been missed by her when she packed to move out. Here is the link to the store she bought them from;
Bassoni Lingerie Online

The realization of truth Kindof hits home quite a bit harder than i anticipated. I really feel like shit.

Anyone know a good Christian lawyer in Sydney Australia?

dude, watch it with the language in your second to last sentence. You gonna get yourself banned. I'm glad you're finally accepting the truth about your wife. She's made it clear there's no going back for her. She has revealed her true colors to you and they aren't pretty..

 

[cordoba]

Call your pastor and ask him for a family council session.

 

[mystikmind]

dude, watch it with the language in your second to last sentence. You gonna get yourself banned. I'm glad you're finally accepting the truth about your wife. She's made it clear there's no going back for her. She has revealed her true colors to you and they aren't pretty..

I did not think of it in terms of being offensive, but you are correct, and i am embarrassed! Perhaps a moderator will change the word to 'sad'?

 

[mystikmind]

Call your pastor and ask him for a family council session.

I was thinking of speaking to the pastor who married us, but he is Catholic (my wife is Catholic, i was confirmed into the Anglican church, but these days i prefer pentecostal church) so i don't know if i can get any practical advice from him? but on the other hand, my impression of him is that he is very wise and loving, i should try.

As for my wife revealing her true colors, well, let me tell you, before i met her when i was dating, i would meet women, and straight away i can feel this woman is 'flighty' and won't hold to a long term relationship through hard times. Allot of women are like this, that is why 50% more divorces are initiated by women than men. But when i met my wife, i knew she was different i immediately felt she would be someone who would be loyal to the end. She was just so loving, compassionate, generous and self sacrificing, life of the party, always smiling, and when she smiles the whole room smiles type of person. You know, i fell in love with her and with every fiber of my being i knew she would stick by me forever, i had total and complete trust for her..... i had put her up on such a high pedestal and this is such a long long way to fall, my belief in love, loyalty, commitment and trust shattered to a million pieces.

Just this last week i was cleaning out the shed and i found some old love cards she had bought me, and there on those pages i see where she has written the word 'forever' a number of times when describing her love for me. I threw those worthless cards in the bin.

 

[MadParrotWoman]

mystikmind, I've been following this thread and I have to tell you my heart breaks for you. I hadn't offered any advice because others here were doing just fine. I think deep down you already knew from the phone calls, texts etc. but yeah there is nothing like it smacking you in the face to jolt you to the truth. Your story is very sad but all too common. A man turns the head of a lonely neglected wife, makes her feel loved, special...that she matters. I think there is a lesson for husbands - and wives in your story, never ever stop telling your spouse they are loved and special, never stop the loving gestures. Marriage is hard work there is no doubt about it.

You will come out of this the other side a wiser man and you will get over it, your life will be different but it can be just as good but in a different way. Who knows what God has in store for you in the future? One thing is for sure you have many friends here who care, above all though you have God's unconditional love. HUGS bro.

 

[kaylagrl]

I was thinking of speaking to the pastor who married us, but he is Catholic (my wife is Catholic, i was confirmed into the Anglican church, but these days i prefer pentecostal church) so i don't know if i can get any practical advice from him? but on the other hand, my impression of him is that he is very wise and loving, i should try.

As for my wife revealing her true colors, well, let me tell you, before i met her when i was dating, i would meet women, and straight away i can feel this woman is 'flighty' and won't hold to a long term relationship through hard times. Allot of women are like this, that is why 50% more divorces are initiated by women than men. But when i met my wife, i knew she was different i immediately felt she would be someone who would be loyal to the end. She was just so loving, compassionate, generous and self sacrificing, life of the party, always smiling, and when she smiles the whole room smiles type of person. You know, i fell in love with her and with every fiber of my being i knew she would stick by me forever, i had total and complete trust for her..... i had put her up on such a high pedestal and this is such a long long way to fall, my belief in love, loyalty, commitment and trust shattered to a million pieces.

Just this last week i was cleaning out the shed and i found some old love cards she had bought me, and there on those pages i see where she has written the word 'forever' a number of times when describing her love for me. I threw those worthless cards in the bin.

Listen friend people are always going to let you down,always.We're human.God's the only one who wont let us down.And I'm not preaching because Im still trying to get that in my own heart.I'm sorry your wife changed and sorry she has chosen the path she is no now.But its like they say "the only thing worse than being in a bad relationship for a year is being in a bad relationship for a year and one day".If she's made her choice then let her go and be happy about it.Yes,happy.You dont need or want that type of person in your life.Not one more day.Good riddance to her.Move on in your life and be happy you got out when you did.