My wife wants a divorce and wont even consider trying to 'work it out'

[mystikmind]

We as Christians don't need to be good enough....we just need to allow ourselves to be loved.

Easy to say, not so easy to do! Especially when you have only known rejection your whole life, and then the person you truly thought was your one true friend and life partner rejects you as well.....

Oh well, , i think part of the issue with me, that feeling of worthlessness, it is a bit like a self for-filling prophesy, you feel worthless so you generate an environment where you get treated as worthless.

 

[Sirk]

Easy to say, not so easy to do! Especially when you have only known rejection your whole life, and then the person you truly thought was your one true friend and life partner rejects you as well.....

Oh well, , i think part of the issue with me, that feeling of worthlessness, it is a bit like a self for-filling prophesy, you feel worthless so you generate an environment where you get treated as worthless.

Making new neural highways in your brain is tough work when our thought patterns are so deeply rutted.

 

[mystikmind]

Making new neural highways in your brain is tough work when our thought patterns are so deeply rutted.

When your mind and your heart and your loved ones fail you, the one thing you always still have left is choice. No matter how dark, and deep the water, no matter how strong is the storm, you can still choose to reach out a had, You can still choose to put one foot in front of the other to start walking in the right direction - no matter how much you feel like you cannot. This is something i told my wife when she was telling me her reasons for not trying to save the marriage, but she would not listen.

 

[bellaj1977]

I understand wanting to try everything you can to save a marriage. I did try to save it and maybe he tried but never really saw it. By the time we divorced I was ready for it. We were never going to work. We did not want the same things and he did not want me. By the time of the divorce there were no feelings left just emptiness. My own emptiness from feeling like a failure. I grew up being taught marriage should last forever so when the divorce finally happened iI had to reconcile the fact that this was best for everyone but still feel like Ifailed. I finally realized I did not fail as I have two amazing children who are my world . they have two parents who love them uunconditionallyand who can now get along for their sake. I am happy and know that I tried everything iI could at the end of the day. 3 years later I finally have some peace in my life and I can take solace in knowing that God is still with me guiding me. I have great friends who have helped me and my family who have stood by me through all of it. So I know everyone gives advice but I wwon'tdo that as sometimes too much advice can be just as overwhelming. Instead if you ever need to talk just know I can give you a ear as someone who has been through it and can just listen. Ultimately whatever happens it is between you, your wife, and God and you need to know in your heart you tried everything. If she wwon'ttry you cannot force it ....i tried pushing him to make it work and all it did was push him farther away. All I can say is be patient with her and whatever happens just know you did fight for her in the end. I hope this awnsers your questions you had to me and iIam there if you need a friend.

 

[mystikmind]

I understand wanting to try everything you can to save a marriage. I did try to save it and maybe he tried but never really saw it. By the time we divorced I was ready for it. We were never going to work. We did not want the same things and he did not want me. By the time of the divorce there were no feelings left just emptiness. My own emptiness from feeling like a failure. I grew up being taught marriage should last forever so when the divorce finally happened iI had to reconcile the fact that this was best for everyone but still feel like Ifailed. I finally realized I did not fail as I have two amazing children who are my world . they have two parents who love them uunconditionallyand who can now get along for their sake. I am happy and know that I tried everything iI could at the end of the day. 3 years later I finally have some peace in my life and I can take solace in knowing that God is still with me guiding me. I have great friends who have helped me and my family who have stood by me through all of it. So I know everyone gives advice but I wwon'tdo that as sometimes too much advice can be just as overwhelming. Instead if you ever need to talk just know I can give you a ear as someone who has been through it and can just listen. Ultimately whatever happens it is between you, your wife, and God and you need to know in your heart you tried everything. If she wwon'ttry you cannot force it ....i tried pushing him to make it work and all it did was push him farther away. All I can say is be patient with her and whatever happens just know you did fight for her in the end. I hope this awnsers your questions you had to me and iIam there if you need a friend.

Thank you kindly Bellaj

I have an update to report;

I did not hear anything from my wife today, but she did change the privacy settings on her eBay account so no one can view her feedback anymore.

I think i have my answer, the only thing i do not know if this means we will be at war now? And i am asking this question to myself just as much as i am asking it to her.... because i am on the brink, i am on the brink of war and i do not know if i can hold myself back from unleashing the fury within, i pray God will calm my heart.

 

[mystikmind]

I'm feeling a bit better, i took consideration of my own advice, post 323 this page "When your mind and your heart and your loved ones fail you, the one thing you always still have left is choice. No matter how dark, and deep the water, no matter how strong is the storm, you can still choose to reach out a had, You can still choose to put one foot in front of the other to start walking in the right direction - no matter how much you feel like you cannot. This is something i told my wife when she was telling me her reasons for not trying to save the marriage, but she would not listen."

And i remembered my favorite line from the movie 'Castaway' "I knew, somehow, that I had to stay alive. Somehow. I had to keep breathing. Even though there was no reason to hope. And all my logic said that I would never see this place again. So that's what I did. I stayed alive. I kept breathing. And one day my logic was proven all wrong because the tide came in, and gave me a sail. And now, here I am. I'm back. In Memphis, talking to you. I have ice in my glass... And I've lost her all over again. I'm so sad that I don't have Kelly. But I'm so grateful that she was with me on that island. And I know what I have to do now. I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?"

 

[blue_ladybug]

Thank you kindly Bellaj

I have an update to report;

I did not hear anything from my wife today, but she did change the privacy settings on her eBay account so no one can view her feedback anymore.

I think i have my answer, the only thing i do not know if this means we will be at war now? And i am asking this question to myself just as much as i am asking it to her.... because i am on the brink, i am on the brink of war and i do not know if i can hold myself back from unleashing the fury within, i pray God will calm my heart.

mystik, you've had your answer all along,but refused to accept it. Now you're accepting it and that's good. The fact that she refuses to talk to you at all is a sign that you won't be at war because it's highly unlikely that you will ever even see her again, unless you have kids with her. I'm single but I don't speak to any of my exes nor do I try to contact her. Just cut off contact with her once and for all. Don't call her, don't text her, etc. Just let her go and move on. I know that's easier said than done, I've been there, been told that myself.

I've had low self esteem since I was a kid also, but now I know my worth. You are worth so much to Jesus!! Get rid of anything she left behind. Throw it out, give it away, whatever. Purge your house of her entirely. You have the right to be hurt and angry. Let out that fury, vent it to God. What I've done in the past to vent, is write a letter and get my feelings out on paper. Once you're done, destroy the letter. If you're still angry after that, go to a gym and beat up the punching bag. Jesus said something like "our battles are not our own to fight, because he will fight them for or with us." Something to that effect. Cry out to him right now, beg him to take her out of your heart and mind. That's what I did with my last ex--and Jesus did..He purged me of my ex entirely. Not instantly of course, but over time the hurt lessened until I didn't think about him at all. Your wife has completely let you go, now you need to completely let HER go, and once again, it's easier said than done, but with Jesus you WILL BE ABLE TO DO THIS. You can pm me and vent if you want. I'm a good listener and I know how it feels to be cheated on and thrown away without a second thought.

 

[mystikmind]

Another update: That was bad, she turned up at the house trying to brow beat me to believe there is no one else, and she said "so what if i bought some lingerie, that doesn't mean anything".

She is very convincing, almost had me doubting it, but i did not say that, i just said that true or not, it doesn't change anything.

She is angry now, but the way she was being friendly and expecting us to still be friends while divorcing me, made me feel sick. I do not know where she is getting her advice to have expected that to happen under these circumstances?

I think i am coming to terms with the idea that i do not want her, these few weeks alone have been hard but tonight's encounter reminded me what it is like 'with' her. I don't think she even has any idea the effect she has on me, i don't even think i had any idea of it, and this short break was enough for me to finally see it.

 

[blue_ladybug]

Another update: That was bad, she turned up at the house trying to brow beat me to believe there is no one else, and she said "so what if i bought some lingerie, that doesn't mean anything".

She is very convincing, almost had me doubting it, but i did not say that, i just said that true or not, it doesn't change anything.

She is angry now, but the way she was being friendly and expecting us to still be friends while divorcing me, made me feel sick. I do not know where she is getting her advice to have expected that to happen under these circumstances?

I think i am coming to terms with the idea that i do not want her, these few weeks alone have been hard but tonight's encounter reminded me what it is like 'with' her. I don't think she even has any idea the effect she has on me, i don't even think i had any idea of it, and this short break was enough for me to finally see it.

she's angry because she knows YOU know that she cheated, and she knows she's busted, and still won't admit it. Tell her to go her way and leave you alone, that she left and that house is NOT her home anyway and she needs to stay away. Be strong in this. You do not want her, tell her that and make it crystal clear to her that she's not welcome to come around anymore. If she came back, sounds like it would just be for a romp in the hay one last time, given her statement about the lingerie. Please don't go down that road, it will only hurt more. Make a clean break and move on.

 

[mystikmind]

she's angry because she knows YOU know that she cheated, and she knows she's busted, and still won't admit it. Tell her to go her way and leave you alone, that she left and that house is NOT her home anyway and she needs to stay away. Be strong in this. You do not want her, tell her that and make it crystal clear to her that she's not welcome to come around anymore. If she came back, sounds like it would just be for a romp in the hay one last time, given her statement about the lingerie. Please don't go down that road, it will only hurt more. Make a clean break and move on.

I had to smile here, ,, i think my wife would rather tip petrol on herself and light a match rather than have sex with me... (I'm just demonstrating how strong her desire is to avoid sex with me at all cost)

 

[blue_ladybug]

I had to smile here, ,, i think my wife would rather tip petrol on herself and light a match rather than have sex with me... (I'm just demonstrating how strong her desire is to avoid sex with me at all cost)

aww, I'm sorry. Her comment about the lingerie misled me..lol.. anyway, now you know what you want to do and that she's not worth all this heartache..did you get my friend request?

 

[mystikmind]

aww, I'm sorry. Her comment about the lingerie misled me..lol.. anyway, now you know what you want to do and that she's not worth all this heartache..did you get my friend request?

Yes thank you

 

[NewWine]

Hi Mystik,
No matter how things play-out here, there are two things I hope you always remember about things.
1. You are God's masterpiece (ephesians 2:10 I think). In all the amazing things God created, you, just as you are, are what God considers to be His greatest creation. Everything else was created for us! Pretty cool stuff don't ya think?

And the second thing to remember is that forgiveness is for you, not the other person. When the disciples went to Christ and asked how to pray, He gave them "The Lord's Prayer". In it it says forgive us, as we forgive others. It's not easy to do usually, but by simply forgiving, we gain power in our lives and in our hearts, through gaining closeness with Christ. Forgiveness doesn't mean being her doormat, nor does it even mean you ever have to tell her you forgive her or that you ever have to see her again. It just means you want God to bless her and protect her. It's a very powerful thing to do to her and for yourself. It will give you clarity in this situation.

I will keep you in prayer, for strength throughout this, for God to restore your heart, give you wisdom in this and all things, but mostly.....for God's peace in your heart. Peace

 

[SparkleEyes]

This'll probably get lost in all of the replies...

BOTTOM LINE is that you can't force her to do anything without the treat of (or actual) violence or coercion - neither of which are biblical.

 

[mystikmind]

This'll probably get lost in all of the replies...

BOTTOM LINE is that you can't force her to do anything without the treat of (or actual) violence or coercion - neither of which are biblical.

Here is where i remember that movie 'Bruce Almighty'. Bruce asks God, "how do you make someone love you?" God replies "welcome to my world" Yes it is Hollywood fiction, but i really like some of the messages/lessons in that movie.

 

[damombomb]

If i where you, i would let go and let God. You will see him work. If we keep our hands in it, his are tied.

 

[bernardopancakes]

Wow! I'm sorry it's led to this. My ex was the same, thought we would b friends. Thought we would even use the same lawyer. We never speak but I have forgiven him. It was life altering to let that hurt go. Good luck. I'd be happy to talk privately as well if u want another viewpoint!

 

[Kate_K]

Be encouraged. I once described the demise of my marriage as my greatest personal failure but it has turned out to be a blessing in disguise. God knew I deserved so much more than I thought I did. I am now so much stronger, wiser, more beautiful and limitless. Sometimes to find our purpose and discover our worth we have to let go of the one thing we desire to hold on to the most.

 

[blue_ladybug]

it's gonna be okay, mystik.. you're doing what you need to do..

 

[mystikmind]

Thanks for the encouraging posts guys, beautiful.

I am on my way to rebuilding my life and my relationship with God, I do not want to rebuild my relationship with my wife, but if God steers me in that direction i won't ignore that either.

I have discovered an option whereby we can go ahead with the divorce right away without having to wait the 12 months under Australian law. If we have been living in the same house, but separated, it counts towards the 12 months, and that is indeed true, my wife has refused sex and shut me out emotionally for the past 2 years, i can divorce her now if i want to, and i think i do.