I have told him that if I feel it's the last resort I will file for divorce if I feel nothing has changed and he's even agreed it's for the best. I don't know if he's saying it but he can also be very prideful. He said that if I divorce he would just pack up his things and move back to Cali.
You'd mentioned in the OP something that indicated that you were upset at his going along with it when you suggested divorce. I know some women do that-- suggest divorce, but then get hurt when the other spouse says 'okay.' From a male perspective, that's kind of messed up-- why would a woman be upset or hurt at her spouse for saying 'okay' to a divorce that she suggested? If she doesn't want a divorce, why suggest it? Men sometimes operate under the foolish assumption that their wives know exactly what they want and don't have mixed emotions about these things.
His anger seems to be only at me. He can get frustrated with the kids sometimes and lose patience but thank goodness he doesn't abuse them. I think he thinks me leaving him is abandoning him but I am not. It's not what I want but sometimes what we want is not good for us. I have tried counseling, begging him to see my side, trying to get him to read the bible and pray but if he has no desire there's nothing I can do. Only God can change his heart if he truly wants to change. The threats of suicide seem to be more manipulation tactics but I do worry about that.
If you moved out of the house and told him you wanted a divorce, then you did leave him. He may be messed up in a lot of ways, but that doesn't mean that you didn't leave him. I don't think you need to be in a hurry to divorce, either. The US does have legal separation so you can file taxes separately and all that stuff.
The Bible says, "but if she departs, let her remain unmarried and be reconciled to her husband" and "he that marries her that is divorced commits adultery." If you live separately, you can leave the door open for reconciliation. If what you really want is for him to change, that makes a lot more sense. It might lessen the temptation for him to go out and find someone else. The emotional blow might be less to both of you if it's a separation for a while, and you could go to counseling together. If you don't plan to remarry (and after all, the Bible doesn't say you can if your husband lies, hits you with a towel, and wipes poop on you, as nasty as that is), then agreeing not to get a divorce could be a wise course of action. It could also alleviate his concern that you may go out and find someone else.
If he has anger management problems, if he'd admit it to himself, I hear that World Challenge has programs for men and women where people with substance abuse and anger management problems go and receive ministry. It's a long program and knocks them out of work for a while. I know that their sister organization, Teen Challenge has had really, really high success rates that put secular programs to shame. It's a very Christ-centered program, where people are taught to trust in Christ for deliverance from addictions and sins. I don't know that much about the inner workings. I just heard of it and had a conversation with a man who went there for anger management, but left early to get back to work and support his family.
If you did opt for separation and really talk it out and both be in agreement that you would be faithful, I'm thinking of I Corinthians 7 where it says to prevent fornication let every woman have her own husband and every man have his own wife. Separation doesn't do much for those needs, and neither one gets 'due benevolence.' Maybe 'conjugal visits' could be help with that. You could think and pray about that.
It takes two to do this, but I've also read that some unpublished surveys show that far less than 1% of marriages where husband and wife pray together regularly end in divorce. Couples who profess to be evangelical Christians divorce at about the same rate as the general society in the US according to Barna surveys. Those who go to church regularly divorce at 20% less than the average population. Those are some things to think about if you do want to work on the marriage.
In my own experience, a key to getting over conflict with my wife in the past was humbling ourselves, praying together, and confessing sins.
And also remember that I Peter 3's instructions to wives whose husbands don't obey the word is to submit to them that they might be one by their wives lifestyles. If you had married a secular atheist who lied, that is to be expected. And the Bible doesn't urge wives in that situation to leave their husbands. It doesn't say to divorce if you can't trust your husband.
As a professing believer though, church discipline is a relevant issue if he's a liar. Unfortunately, church discipline seems to be a largely forgotten doctrine in churches today, but you could talk to leaders in your church.
If what you really want is for your husband to repent and for you to have a strong happy marriage together, then believe God for that. Don't set the bar low and believe God to do nothing.
Look what Jesus told His disciples in Mark 11:24
Therefore I say unto you, What things soever ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them.
I've got two questions:
What do you want?
What should you want?
If you want something that is in line with God's revealed will, pray for that. If you want your husband to repent, then believe God for that.
If you want something that is not in line with God's will, then pray for your desires to line up with it.
Some people say when you pray, you can't violate someone else's free will. The Bible doesn't actually teach a doctrine of free will. There are passages that seem to fit with a free perspective, but also passages about people being predestined. But the Bible doesn't teach us to limit our faith when we pray by the doctrine of free will. It teaches us to believe God.
So when you intercede for your husband pray like a Calvinist who is somehow convinced that the person he is praying for is one of the elect.
