Lies, Infidelity and Forgivness

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Q

Quest20

Guest
#1
#1
I recently discovered that my fiance had been cheating. The details are extreme. There were a lot of partners, he has made several pregnant and promised a future to one of them. It is all too extreme for me. Needless to say, I have walked away from the union. From there, I have been very upset, sad and disappointed every single day. The only time I heard from him was through a text message in which he told me that he needed my help.

I've decided to forgive him, so that I can be free and happy but I don't know how. Please advise.
 
santuzza

santuzza

Senior Member
#2
Feb 12, 2013
1,609
38
48
#2
So glad you found out about his behavior BEFORE you actually got married. Don't walk away from this guy -- RUN, RUN, RUN away from him.

You are right to forgive, but that doesn't mean you have to be his doormat. Yes, you will have a period of mourning over the loss of this relationship, but, honestly, you are much better off without him.

Take this time to rededicate your life to God -- bury yourself in His Word -- surround yourself with godly, mature Christians -- take every opportunity to praise God. Nothing helps one through a difficult time than praising our great Savior.

Blessings my friend -- stay strong in the Lord -- I'll be praying for you!
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#3
Feb 21, 2014
70,937
9,689
113
#3
Quest20 said:
I recently discovered that my fiance had been cheating. The details are extreme. There were a lot of partners, he has made several pregnant and promised a future to one of them. It is all too extreme for me. Needless to say, I have walked away from the union. From there, I have been very upset, sad and disappointed every single day. The only time I heard from him was through a text message in which he told me that he needed my help.

I've decided to forgive him, so that I can be free and happy but I don't know how. Please advise.
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You made the right decision. Definitely get yourself tested for STD's..if he's been with that many people, it's a safe bet that he's passed something on to you. He's saying he needs you, and saying he's sorry because you caught him. Once a cheater, always a cheater. It's like a sickness or addiction to them, and they can't stop. Forgive him and move on. You deserve so much better than this jerk..
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#4
Mar 13, 2014
42,721
17,181
113
70
Tennessee
#4
Quest20 said:
I recently discovered that my fiance had been cheating. The details are extreme. There were a lot of partners, he has made several pregnant and promised a future to one of them. It is all too extreme for me. Needless to say, I have walked away from the union. From there, I have been very upset, sad and disappointed every single day. The only time I heard from him was through a text message in which he told me that he needed my help.

I've decided to forgive him, so that I can be free and happy but I don't know how. Please advise.
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Forgiving him is one thing. Giving him a chance to wreck havoc on your life is another thing altogether.
 
Q

Quest20

Guest
#5
#5
I receive an STD screening tonight and have been praying that I'm clean.
 
V

VioletReigns

Guest
#6
#6
Sister Quest20, that's heartbreaking for sure. *sigh* :( I'm sorry you're hurting. But honestly, what a blessing you found out before you married him. Oh what a disaster that would have been!!! But now you can be FREE and HAPPY. Forgiving him is one thing, But PLEASE don't take him back. Behavior like his doesn't change overnight. Of course, the Holy Spirit can change someone in a heartbeat. But that is God's business and not yours. You could never change him. Move on with your life, dear sister.

Hand him over to Christ Jesus, and allow the Holy Spirit to forgive that man through your surrendering him to the Lord. And then allow Jesus to renew your thoughts and flood you with His peace. I pray that for you in Jesus' name.
 
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Q

Quest20

Guest
#7
#7
blue_ladybug said:
You made the right decision. Definitely get yourself tested for STD's..if he's been with that many people, it's a safe bet that he's passed something on to you. He's saying he needs you, and saying he's sorry because you caught him. Once a cheater, always a cheater. It's like a sickness or addiction to them, and they can't stop. Forgive him and move on. You deserve so much better than this jerk..
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You're correct, but he never said he was sorry. We were not moving in together until after marriage. Unfortunately, he found out that I caught him before I could actually confront him. I texted him time frames that I would like to meet with him and he wouldn't agree to any time. He wouldn't even answer the phone. He told me to text him whatever it was that I needed to discuss. I wouldn't text it as I felt like this topic is too important for texting. We ended on this note.

A few days later, he texted "I need your help" & that was the last that I've heard from him.

Needless to say, I was very much in love with him and this is hurtful. I pray each night for the lord to see me through this.
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#8
Feb 21, 2014
70,937
9,689
113
#8
Quest20 said:
You're correct, but he never said he was sorry. We were not moving in together until after marriage. Unfortunately, he found out that I caught him before I could actually confront him. I texted him time frames that I would like to meet with him and he wouldn't agree to any time. He wouldn't even answer the phone. He told me to text him whatever it was that I needed to discuss. I wouldn't text it as I felt like this topic is too important for texting. We ended on this note.

A few days later, he texted "I need your help" & that was the last that I've heard from him.

Needless to say, I was very much in love with him and this is hurtful. I pray each night for the lord to see me through this.
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God will definitely bring you through this..in the meantime, stop texting him, take his number off your phone..pack up anything of his and have someone return it to him..disconnect yourself from him totally.. I know how it feels to be cheated on--a couple of my exes did it from day one..ask God to take this man out of your head, heart and mind..
 
Q

Quest20

Guest
#9
#9
blue_ladybug said:
God will definitely bring you through this..in the meantime, stop texting him, take his number off your phone..pack up anything of his and have someone return it to him..disconnect yourself from him totally.. I know how it feels to be cheated on--a couple of my exes did it from day one..ask God to take this man out of your head, heart and mind..
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Done. But, I secretly want to hear from him so that I know that I mattered. This really hurts my self esteem. I'll keep holding God close and pray that my heart if mended.
 
E

ember

Guest
#10
#10
You do matter. You matter to God and you need to matter to yourself as His child.

I am so sorry this happened to you but thank God you found out before you married this person.

He does not need your help. Please, take everyone's advice and stay away from him and do not contact him in any way unless it is absolutely necessary and then only if you have another, older and wiser, person there.

Again, terribly sorry.
 
Q

Quest20

Guest
#11
#11
I will not contact him anymore unless tests are positive
 
E

ember

Guest
#12
#12
I'm not sure on this one, but isn't there a law or something in place that necessitates every person he has been in contact with in an intimate way, being notified they may have an STD?

I still wouldn't contact him...not even if he was turning green
 
Q

Quest20

Guest
#13
#13
In some cases, depending on the std, it is criminal to not tell past partners that you have it. I have prayed that this will not be an issue
 
E

ember

Guest
#14
#14
I certainly hope it is not an issue
 
Dan58

Dan58

Senior Member
#15
Nov 13, 2013
1,991
339
83
#15
Quest20 said:
You're correct, but he never said he was sorry.
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Then your not obligated to forgive him.. (Luke 17:3)

Quest20 said:
Done. But, I secretly want to hear from him so that I know that I mattered. This really hurts my self esteem.
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Never establish your self-esteem in others. Him telling you that you mattered shouldn't booster your self-esteem or make you feel special.. He's probably told all the women that they matter and are important to him, but make sure that flattery gets him nowhere. jmo
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#16
Feb 21, 2014
70,937
9,689
113
#16
Dan58 said:

Then your not obligated to forgive him.. (Luke 17:3)



the bible says we are to forgive others of their sins against us, so that God may forgive US of our sins towards others. The Lord's prayer says, "forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us." I would say God considers it a MUST for her to forgive her cheating, lying husband. Jesus forgave those who hurt and betrayed him. We are commanded to do the same.
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Z

zaoman32

Guest
#17
#17
You're getting a lot of good advice here. From the Blue_Ladybug and VioletReigns and ember, and others. I'm just going to reiterate. If you have no ties to this guy, get him out of your life. I realize you probably still love him and all that, but all being in contact is going to do is make matters worse. Your heart will hurt more, it's going to take a lot longer to get over. When my ex and I divorced we had three kids. I had to see her several times a week, and even though I had no feelings for her anymore, it was still extremely difficult. It was a reminder of all the things that had happened. It's been 3 years since we separated, 2 since we divorced and we're just now on level terms with each other. However, I can still barely look her in the eye.

You have to do what you have to do to protect your heart, don't let anyone in that's going to damage it. Feelings or not you need to callous yourself to him so you can't be hurt again. Don't forget that you are a daughter of a King.
 
N

NewWine

Guest
#18
#18
Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us......When the disciples asked Jesus how to pray He gave them "The Lord's Prayer" and in it it says to forgive us as we forgive others.

It takes practice, patience and a firm grasp of tenacity to forgive some people. Be patient with yourself, continue to ask God to bless him as He has always done, and before you realize it, you will have forgiven him. Forgiving him doesn't mean you ever have to see him or speak to him again, just that you want God to bless him now as before.

I am so sorry you're hurting. It says in Ephesians that you are God's masterpiece. Focus on rebuilding yourself in Christ, bathing in His love for you, basking in the warmth of His peace. Anyways, just my thoughts.
Peace and prayer.....
 
MarcR

MarcR

Senior Member
#19
Feb 12, 2015
5,486
183
63
#19
Quest20 said:
I recently discovered that my fiance had been cheating. The details are extreme. There were a lot of partners, he has made several pregnant and promised a future to one of them. It is all too extreme for me. Needless to say, I have walked away from the union. From there, I have been very upset, sad and disappointed every single day. The only time I heard from him was through a text message in which he told me that he needed my help.

I've decided to forgive him, so that I can be free and happy but I don't know how. Please advise.
Click to expand...
Forgiveness only needs to involve freeing yourself of bitterness and resentment.

It need not and should not involve continuing the relationship.
 
J

Jeff_56

Banned
#20
Dec 26, 2014
3,757
19
0
#20
if this is addressed somewhere else, just ignore this post. (most people will anyway, just saying I don't see it here).


since you slept with him (or would it be more proper to ask how you might have gotten an std some other way from him if you didn't have sex with him?),

and you're not married to him,

there remains the matter of how if ever do you plan to "get right with God".... ?

nothing else that anyone does, or even anything you do, matters if you don't "get right with God", and maybe you don't plan to, who knows......

or did you already, sometime, and just didn't mention it here ?

like i said, if already taken care of, go on.

and if not, if you're not forgiven yet, that would be the utmost importance right now, today.
 
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