unsure as to what to do..

[willheal]

My husband and myself are disCuSsing seperation for last few days.. Im not happy and he want to be alone. We r still making our minds up. I'm so confused about it all cAuse I have the most love for him and I know he still loves me. One day we will be ready to find hin a place n the next will be we will be better. I'm just confused why this is wishy washy as you would say we have always been indecisive but this just can continue for something this serious. I have been through a lot with my husband his drug and alcohol abuse/rehab him being in jail for short stays but I know I deserve to be happy and our daughter doesn't deserve that fighting (we do try to conceal it). I nag him caise I come home from work clean cook and take care of our child till about 7 and then he gets home either is in a bad mood or just tired and I dont recieve any help. I just cant deal with stress, he creates with having to pay to things that could of been avoided like going to jail attourney and etc... ihelp him pay for all of this but i wonder why i have to constantly ask you got money for rent or the sitter or ill have to pay some of his and mine.i mean i know marriage is working together but I feel like im trying to take care of a child when it comes to him and money. It just kills me he thinks that I am not important cause I work from 9-3 its so I can pick up our daughter but its just funny that I think he resents me for making lot more a week than he does in way less hours. Idk if I can stand the stresses or the no help. I feel like its all up to me and he helps here and there. Idk what to do extremely confused. I want to be happy,can he make me happy it hasn't been that way in a long time or are we just to afraid to start new so we are compromising? Ugh help

 

[mystikmind]

Is it the case that your husband is one of these types that struggle to find fulfillment in life?

 

[PeterJens]

You are in a difficult hurting place. You both need to have other people involved in your lives to help you get perspective and support. No relationship is without pain or conflict, and it is this sensitivity that reflects the real need etc. Men often use situations, and when things get emotionally difficult try to walk away than face some realities. You really need outside help, and owe it to each other and your child. I have been with people for weeks, listening, to understand who they are and how they relate etc. Once all this was on board a way through could be found.
So the question is do you know someone who could help you do this?

 

[willheal]

He has dealt with depression bipolar and recently went to rehab for depression in the severe manner. He does t have much he does for him self he comes home and works. Many if he got a hobby and actually had time and he wasn't doing something like gambling or drug use (addictive) it would be good for him. I may be to up tight and closed minded to deal with much. I dont tolerate drug use drinking or expamle poker gambling.

 

[willheal]

if he wanted to receive marital counseling and he just says to me that we have to many problems they would just tell us to split. By nature I'm a very stressful person I worry and as my husband he doesn't carry any of that worry he's very carefree he said Oh it'll be ok I'm on the other hand this needs to be done to worry about it or to fix it. and I feel like I'm carrying all of his stress as well and it's multiplying and multiplying and I feel honestly that I'm raising another child because I wake him up in the mornings because he has to work I make sure that he takes his medicine every day for his depression and bipolar I make sure that he has enough money for rent every month making sure he can pay for other things making sure that he can fill out paperwork for a example he had to take an ambulance to the hispital and the hospital sent a bill and the ambi lance sent the bill. I waited for 4 weeks for him to do it wrote it down and asked uim to make sure he did it never was done till i did it.now he just has to pay cause i paid for most of it already and idk if it will get done. I feel like this more pressure put on me because I have to do it but I shouldn't have to do it. I know that life isn't supposed to be stressful completely but I need him to take responcibility. I feel like he is still inmature.

You are in a difficult hurting place. You both need to have other people involved in your lives to help you get perspective and support. No relationship is without pain or conflict, and it is this sensitivity that reflects the real need etc. Men often use situations, and when things get emotionally difficult try to walk away than face some realities. You really need outside help, and owe it to each other and your child. I have been with people for weeks, listening, to understand who they are and how they relate etc. Once all this was on board a way through could be found.
So the question is do you know someone who could help you do this?

 

[PeterJens]

Unfortunately it sounds like you are behaving like a mother to him. You chose to marry him and be involved even though he is very dis-functional. His behaviour is very self pitying and childish. There is one simple answer, it is brutal though. Does he accept he is a sinner in need to help and has a desire to follow Jesus?
Jesus has taken many from his state into a stable and healthy place, but without recognising sin this is worthless. Unless he is prepared to open up to the love in his heart, and let Jesus heal the pain, the cycle of self destructive behaviour will continue. The saddest part of this situation, is you do have to walk away if it continues, because it will destroy you and your child, and become more abusive as time goes on. Unfortunately either the ship continues sinking or it has a new beginning. People do have choices, and finding life is about facing up to reality...
I share from a family with schizophrenia, and a lack of openness about love and emotional expression, but have built a family based on openness, love and emotional expression because of the love the Lord planted in my soul, so I know it works...

 

[Reborn]

I'm sorry to hear this.
Most of those types of behaviors shouldn't be tolerated for very long....but God, love and time, helps correct all.

That commitment, for better of for worse, right?
So sorry, now happens to be one of those "worse" times for you two.
I wish I had someone to tell me to stick it out. Now my daughter makes me incredibly sad, every time she asks me to move back in with her.

If not for your kid at first, (as motivation) try everything to make it work, and find that place where you and your husband once were.....see how things go from there.

Trust God.
It might take some time.....but believe me, in the long run, you will be happy you worked on it.
You always have people here to listen.


God Bless.

 

[willheal]

Unfortunately it sounds like you are behaving like a mother to him. You chose to marry him and be involved even though he is very dis-functional. His behaviour is very self pitying and childish. There is one simple answer, it is brutal though. Does he accept he is a sinner in need to help and has a desire to follow Jesus?
Jesus has taken many from his state into a stable and healthy place, but without recognising sin this is worthless. Unless he is prepared to open up to the love in his heart, and let Jesus heal the pain, the cycle of self destructive behaviour will continue. The saddest part of this situation, is you do have to walk away if it continues, because it will destroy you and your child, and become more abusive as time goes on. Unfortunately either the ship continues sinking or it has a new beginning. People do have choices, and finding life is about facing up to reality...
I share from a family with schizophrenia, and a lack of openness about love and emotional expression, but have built a family based on openness, love and emotional expression because of the love the Lord planted in my soul, so I know it works...

His faith is hard to describe he believes the bible and its truth but not in its intierty. If that makes sence. I have tried compromising with him on tryi g different churches cause I know he has a faith and doesn't like some of the pastors explanation. I havent gone into a real depth with hi. Cause he is very shut off with his feelings and everything. We are trying to start this week reading a few chapters before bed to try to bring us closer in the fact of doing things together and he brought this up. Its just we haven't slept in the same bed in over 2 months and since we talked about seperation its like we are joined back together so that is my goal for today is to sit and read a few chapters of the bible that might benefit us. And I also saw a book called Marriage you always wanted by Gary Chapman. I am a newly renewed believer to Christ because of something that happened in my life and devil got my faith. I have seen his work in the last few months after my husband went on a serious drug use phase and wanted to dismiss him self from this earth. I sat at the beach and prayed be for work one day and the next day he recieve d help and the day after his supplier moved out of no where. I am proud of his faithfulness to himself with drugs... not so much drinking but defiantly better than it was.... thanks so much for you in put.. you have the same outlook as my mother. And I know its not the easiest thing to accept advice from a parent so I needed affirmation.

 

[willheal]

I love my husband and I always will I told him the day before we were married I was in this for life. I think a seperation of individuals will help him realize that we need a unity. Maybe if for only a month or two. I need some kind of moment to sit back and figure out what is bes and matbe read a few marriage books to uunderstand. Trust God. That is so weird I just finish typing understand and trust god popped up. I just finished asking him for guidance. I am smiling right now.

I'm sorry to hear this.
Most of those types of behaviors shouldn't be tolerated for very long....but God, love and time, helps correct all.

That commitment, for better of for worse, right?
So sorry, now happens to be one of those "worse" times for you two.
I wish I had someone to tell me to stick it out. Now my daughter makes me incredibly sad, every time she asks me to move back in with her.

If not for your kid at first, (as motivation) try everything to make it work, and find that place where you and your husband once were.....see how things go from there.

Trust God.
It might take some time.....but believe me, in the long run, you will be happy you worked on it.
You always have people here to listen.


God Bless.

 

[PeterJens]

One word comes to mind here, boundaries. Every relationship needs them. They only work when they are actually real. Physical abuse is equivalent to adultery, adultery creates emotional hurt and betrayal, while physical abuse is real hurt and betrayal. Once someone makes you into an object within their emotions, all respect and love has left them, unless they truly repent and commit themselves to a new way of living. Unfortunately no matter how much you love the sinner, you cannot help them unless the reality and their choice becomes the discussion. If they cannot go there, it means nothing will change and you just need to walk away. The kingdom is not about suffering abuse hoping the abuser will change, because that is a strange way is saying the abuse is ok, when 100% it never is ok, just circumstance and power sometimes robs people of being able to act on it. Those who say marriage is a commitment to stay with abuse are miss-guided and wrong. Abuse is equivalent to adultery and frees the victim of their marital commitments before the Lord.

 

[willheal]

One word comes to mind here, boundaries. Every relationship needs them. They only work when they are actually real. Physical abuse is equivalent to adultery, adultery creates emotional hurt and betrayal, while physical abuse is real hurt and betrayal. Once someone makes you into an object within their emotions, all respect and love has left them, unless they truly repent and commit themselves to a new way of living. Unfortunately no matter how much you love the sinner, you cannot help them unless the reality and their choice becomes the discussion. If they cannot go there, it means nothing will change and you just need to walk away. The kingdom is not about suffering abuse hoping the abuser will change, because that is a strange way is saying the abuse is ok, when 100% it never is ok, just circumstance and power sometimes robs people of being able to act on it. Those who say marriage is a commitment to stay with abuse are miss-guided and wrong. Abuse is equivalent to adultery and frees the victim of their marital commitments before the Lord.

Is there a passage in the bible that explains that so I can read it to him.

 

[secularhermit]

"Abuse is equivalent to adultery and frees the victim of their marital commitments before the Lord."

Not necessarily but, abuse leads the victim to another person and, sometimes those abuser are making THEIR VICTIMS to be adulterers, at least emotionally and, as a matter of relationships, those limits are good to be seen, known, and respected, Peter.

Verbal or physical abuses aren´t a token of love, even inside friendships.

 

[secularhermit]

Is there a passage in the bible that explains that so I can read it to him.

I have seen many persons leading "me" to be like Christ suffering HIS cross... Paul´s writings tend to do the same but...

 

[PeterJens]

Is there a passage in the bible that explains that so I can read it to him.

Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children and walk in the way of love
Ephesians 5:1
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her
Ephesians 5:25
In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.
Ephesians 5:28

This is very much the positive side of relationships. Paul was unaware of the negative side of marriages and the abuse and wrote little in regard to this. Jesus equally spoke about the one body aspect of marriage and its essential nature, but not the failure and struggles within when one party is very dis-functional and the other has to walk way for survival, which happens. The gospel and its language is very much aimed at each individual learning healthy ways of being emotionally, and spiritually. Unfortunately marriages are often a repeat of family setups the partners have come from and suffer the same failures, because both understand the emotional rules of these systems, so easily fall into the same situation.
Jesus came to rebuild us, to plant love, and to help us question each point step by step. It is though slow, and often difficult, full of emotional ups and downs, but my Lord is faithful, and will be if you search Him out like you are doing.

 

[secularhermit]

1Co 7:10 I instruct married couples to stay together, and this is exactly what the Lord himself taught. A wife who leaves her husband
1Co 7:11 should either stay single or go back to her husband. And a husband should not leave his wife.

1Co 7:15 If your husband or wife isn't a follower of the Lord and decides to divorce you, then you should agree to it. You are no longer bound to that person. After all, God chose you and wants you to live at peace.

An abusive person, having children, will teach wrongly such things you are witnessing by hurting experiences and here alccohol + drugs are bad to keep on.

 

[secularhermit]

Excellent Pete! That is.

Thanks!
The Spirit of God is with you.

 

[PeterJens]

1Co 7:10 I instruct married couples to stay together, and this is exactly what the Lord himself taught. A wife who leaves her husband
1Co 7:11 should either stay single or go back to her husband. And a husband should not leave his wife.

1Co 7:15 If your husband or wife isn't a follower of the Lord and decides to divorce you, then you should agree to it. You are no longer bound to that person. After all, God chose you and wants you to live at peace.

An abusive person, having children, will teach wrongly such things you are witnessing by hurting experiences and here alccohol + drugs are bad to keep on.

The problem with these verses is they are not sound if taken as absolutes. Jesus said divorce for adultery is acceptable.
What Paul is addressing is relationships where the christian faith has come in and one party believe and the other do not.
Within this context separation is not acceptable.
Too often people rush into marriages because of emotional need that do not function and go very wrong.
If you have an unloving spirit you would say tough, your partner owns you like a slave and can do what they like. This is a denial of the faith, and respect and love, but there are many who are so blind they ready the gospel this way.

 

[Reborn]

I love my husband and I always will I told him the day before we were married I was in this for life. I think a seperation of individuals will help him realize that we need a unity. Maybe if for only a month or two. I need some kind of moment to sit back and figure out what is bes and matbe read a few marriage books to uunderstand. Trust God. That is so weird I just finish typing understand and trust god popped up. I just finished asking him for guidance. I am smiling right now.

Thank you for PMing me.
I hope I helped?

God Bless.

 

[PeterJens]

The problem with divorce and separation is being a couple is like becoming one person. Things can break this up, but the shared experience between both parties is at all levels. Some regard marriage as a temporary agreement, while ignoring we all come from such relationships whether within or without marriage, it is the foundation of our society. The sad reality is for this relationship to work well needs serious work and growth, and nothing can be taken for granted. It has twice the problems and benefits of being single so often fails when dishonesty becomes a part of it.
Life used to be short and sweet, brutal and simple. Now we live 70+ years with many choices and obligations, the whole aspect of the relationships becomes intense and difficult. In truth only as a last resort, abandoning the project is an option, but abuse and adultery are the two things that justify it.
Looking at history christianity has been poor at being honest about the dilemmas within marriages, and forced women often to put up with adulterous and abusive husbands as the shame of divorce was too great to bare.
What lonely people are calling out for, is loving individuals who can respond appropriately to the stress of life, and be positive to their partner, and those dependant on them, but this is lost among the bitterness of shattered dreams and desire for revenge. But I live being true to love in my heart, and call you to do likewise, because that is the hope Jesus called us to live by.

 

[PeterJens]

"Abuse is equivalent to adultery and frees the victim of their marital commitments before the Lord."

Not necessarily but, abuse leads the victim to another person and, sometimes those abuser are making THEIR VICTIMS to be adulterers, at least emotionally and, as a matter of relationships, those limits are good to be seen, known, and respected, Peter.

Verbal or physical abuses aren´t a token of love, even inside friendships.

I think the bible does not deal with abuse because there is not a simple way of defining it. What I am talking about is physical violence, where hitting and intimidation are used, along with threats to kill the partner.
I am not talking about sarcasm, or anger, or manipulation, though these can become a problem, they also have answers and normally are expressions of defensive and hurt feelings, but the individual does not know a way out.

What I want to emphasis is loving relationships are founded on respect and good behaviour. Without this goal, it is easy to get lost in the parent child roles, or men using women as replacement mothers, which is total abdication of responsibility or love itself. What I find hard to say, is a bad marriage built in immaturity and confusion should be maintained when it has no future other than the initial commitment.

Paul in his writing is saying marriage is sacred yet if one is a believer and the other not, splitting up is ok if that is what is wanted. Unfortunately this is not consistent theology...