Breakthrough - the cause of relationship difficulties

[MahogonySnail]

After a short period of contemplation, and getting some inspiration from the philosophical wisdom of the book of ecclesiastes, I believe I have discovered the two main causes of relationship difficulties. The first cause is thinking. If you think too much in your relationship you will soon sink into negativity. What if, what about this, why this, why that. These things stem from a root cause of fear or worry which are not godly attributes. Probably 90% of issues that arise in relationships could be solved if you stop thinking about it.

The second one is communication. Most verbal conflicts arise from communication. Over-communication in particular. How many conversations have started well, only to end in a nasty exchange of words? When does this argument normally occur? Towards the end of the conversation! So a solution to conflict is to limit verbal communication, and prevent conversations going too long.

In fact, men instinctively practice these two methods of maintaining relationship - by limiting thinking, and by avoiding communication, such as when preferring to communicate with their partner with grunts, noises or growls and various types of hand signals, rather than cohesive and properly formed sentences. These types of relationships will probably last a long time because of this.

 

[greatkraw]

you are onto something concerning worrying

a surprising number of problems sort themselves out if you just do nothing

 

[Sharp]

Agreed. Talking and thinking is a recipe for disaster.

Women always want to talk about their feelings. And most women always want to 'discuss issues' with their relationship, even when there are none. Its because in movies and TV shows, women are always talking about the relationship with the man. As a result, women feel like they have to do this. "I just want to know where we stand on this". "I just want to tell you how I feel about this". "I want to know how you would feel if this happened".

Definitely agree with MS on this. "Problems" go away if you ignore them.

 

[wwjd_kilden]

*starts ignoring*

 

[MahogonySnail]

I agree sharp. I think women get their inspiration and ideas from Days of our Lives and Bold and the Beautiful and Beuty and the geek and other shows like this. I can't imagine cavewoman Jane and caveman Tarzan having a deep and meaningful conversation about their relationship or how they are feeling today. They just did their jobs and got on with life and that's why they could stay together for so long. I find it's the talkative touchy feely types who may have the most problems.

 

[carpetmanswife]

excuse me while i
* sits quietly by wwjd_kilden*

 

[Kakashi]

I think it would be more constructive to say: think carefully, but don't worry as you think and think twice before you speak as you;'re conversing with people, especially loved ones.

Ain't nothing wrong with thinking deeply about relationships as long as it's constructive and not destructive.

Conversations can be as long as you want, being that you're not pulling off someone's ear longer than they'd like. I know my bro does not liked to be talked to for too long, but hey I have many friends who love to talk for long periods of times because we have a lot in common. Just gotta watch what ya say,

 

[heart4him]

I agree sharp. I think women get their inspiration and ideas from Days of our Lives and Bold and the Beautiful and Beuty and the geek and other shows like this. I can't imagine cavewoman Jane and caveman Tarzan having a deep and meaningful conversation about their relationship or how they are feeling today. They just did their jobs and got on with life and that's why they could stay together for so long. I find it's the talkative touchy feely types who may have the most problems.

Correct. The archaeologists have vast amounts of evidence proving the duration of the romantic relationship between Jane and Tarzan. Solid argument.

 

[Sharp]

Look how high the divorce rate is these days. Its because men cheat on their wives. Why do men cheat on their wives? Because they talk too much. They think, "this one's broken, I'll just get a new one". This whole generation of men is frustrated by how much relationship conversation they have to endure. Women think well if Mr. Darcy, or Hugh Grant, or Ryan and Seth from the OC can do it, my man will do it too. Wrong.

 

[carpetmanswife]

Look how high the divorce rate is these days. Its because men cheat on their wives. Why do men cheat on their wives? Because they talk too much. They think, "this one's broken, I'll just get a new one". This whole generation of men is frustrated by how much relationship conversation they have to endure. Women think well if Mr. Darcy, or Hugh Grant, or Ryan and Seth from the OC can do it, my man will do it too. Wrong.

men cheat because we talk too much? you have GOT to be kidding me!!
LOL love the snowman by the way

 

[FixYourWeave]

I agree with mahoganysnail on this one. My take is if your problems cant be solved in a five minute conversation then you should just break up. I hate talking about stuff, especially when the guy just doesnt know when to shut his mouth! He keeps going and going and going, bringing up this and that, then your talking and arguing about something totally different then what it started out as.

Here are some methods i use when i want to end a conversation.

-The stare, I just stare off into space while the guy is talking acting totally uninterested, or i just stare at him while hes talking looking extrememly bored.
- I start agreeing with everything he says, like yeah okay uhh huh your right, and make sure you nod your head at certain points, so it appears your listening. I find when you just agree with the person it makes the conversation go faster and end quicker.
- Sometimes i will just ignore him and walk away if he starts trying to talk about something i dont want to.
-Dont respond, If he starts asking me questions i dont wanna answer i just look at him, and dont say anything. Eventually he'll get so frustrated he'll stop asking.
-This next one seems to work the best for me, While he is in the middle of going on and on and oooooon, i just stand up and say something like, DO YOU EVER STOP TALKING!! or heres one my ex husband loved, QUIT RUNNIN YOUR MOUTH, YOU SOUND LIKE A WOMAN!

yup seriously people i do all these things, and there guaranteed to work! I do believe that is why alot of relationships fail. To much talking. Anything should be able to be solved in five minutes or less, however if its a really bad fight. Six minutes tops

 

[greatkraw]

I agree with mahoganysnail on this one. My take is if your problems cant be solved in a five minute conversation then you should just break up. I hate talking about stuff, especially when the guy just doesnt know when to shut his mouth! He keeps going and going and going, bringing up this and that, then your talking and arguing about something totally different then what it started out as.

Here are some methods i use when i want to end a conversation.

-The stare, I just stare off into space while the guy is talking acting totally uninterested, or i just stare at him while hes talking looking extrememly bored.
- I start agreeing with everything he says, like yeah okay uhh huh your right, and make sure you nod your head at certain points, so it appears your listening. I find when you just agree with the person it makes the conversation go faster and end quicker.
- Sometimes i will just ignore him and walk away if he starts trying to talk about something i dont want to.
-Dont respond, If he starts asking me questions i dont wanna answer i just look at him, and dont say anything. Eventually he'll get so frustrated he'll stop asking.
-This next one seems to work the best for me, While he is in the middle of going on and on and oooooon, i just stand up and say something like, DO YOU EVER STOP TALKING!! or heres one my ex husband loved, QUIT RUNNIN YOUR MOUTH, YOU SOUND LIKE A WOMAN!

yup seriously people i do all these things, and there guaranteed to work! I do believe that is why alot of relationships fail. To much talking. Anything should be able to be solved in five minutes or less, however if its a really bad fight. Six minutes tops

clearly the voice of experience

 

[FixYourWeave]

clearly the voice of experience

LOL....... yes, CLEARLY!

 

[SeaGlass1111]

MahoganySnail,

Very interesting indeed! I've always over-thought things in most areas of my life and it seems that when I stop...things would get better...and it does all come from fear.. and that is not Godly...wow...I think you just helped me with quite a few things..

Ya just never know how the Lord will lead us to hear what we need to hear..because He just led me here

 

[Jon1412]

You forget the number one problem: pride. It is pride and selfishness that destroys relationships. You won't apologize, you won't listen, you won't give time, you won't do what God has commanded you to do; whatever the reason may be. God commanded man to love woman as Jesus loved the church. How did He show his love? He DIED for the church in the most painful and difficult way possible. This is what man must do for woman. God commanded woman to obey man, as the church obeys Jesus. Most couples will not do this anymore, and that is why America has a divorce rate approaching 50%. You must do as God commands in marriage, He ordained it, man did not make it. Our plan will never work in marriage.

 

[songster]

After a short period of contemplation, and getting some inspiration from the philosophical wisdom of the book of ecclesiastes, I believe I have discovered the two main causes of relationship difficulties. The first cause is thinking. If you think too much in your relationship you will soon sink into negativity. What if, what about this, why this, why that. These things stem from a root cause of fear or worry which are not godly attributes. Probably 90% of issues that arise in relationships could be solved if you stop thinking about it.

The second one is communication. Most verbal conflicts arise from communication. Over-communication in particular. How many conversations have started well, only to end in a nasty exchange of words? When does this argument normally occur? Towards the end of the conversation! So a solution to conflict is to limit verbal communication, and prevent conversations going too long.

In fact, men instinctively practice these two methods of maintaining relationship - by limiting thinking, and by avoiding communication, such as when preferring to communicate with their partner with grunts, noises or growls and various types of hand signals, rather than cohesive and properly formed sentences. These types of relationships will probably last a long time because of this.

I understand what you're saying, but after 13 years of marriage, I would say that the opposite is true of your theory on communication. The more communication you have, the less assumptions there are. One of the problems some men encounter when in a marriage is determining what women want. Some find that they are almost expected to become mind readers, as they are told that they should have known a particular thing, without having to be told.

Thoughts/thinking can have a negative impact on a marriage. But I believe that it depends on the motivation behind the thoughts. If a wife is unhappy in her marriage, any negative thinking is due to her perception of her husbands inability to fulfill her expectations, or perhaps in satisfying her emotional needs.

The same is true of the thoughts of a husband. Negative thinking can easily be the result of perceived nagging, or a reduction in the amount of freedom the husband now has within his marriage.

Communication reveals thoughts, and while this can create disagreements, it is better to deal with them openly. Concealing thoughts, limiting thoughts, and limiting communication. leaves a person to struggle with a one sided view of any situation. This gives way to something called 'vain imaginations', which the bible discourages. Vain imaginations could be defined as unfounded suspicion, paranoia, or internal conversations. having no real basis for truth. Frequent, respectful communication has the potential to dissolve vain imaginations, which in turn can contribute to the longevity of a marriage.

 

[shad]

David mentions to the Lord that His gentleness had made him great / 2Sam 22:36, Ps 18:35. Both men and women respond to gentleness within the context of any relationship including marriage. When someone is angry with negative reactions the scriptures teach that soft words turn away wrath / Prov 15:1. An argument escalates because no one is gentle or soft with their words. Communication is very important but how we communicate is vital. One of the greatest devises that destroys any relationship is familiarity.

Familiarity doesn't trust the other person and reflects on the same old things that cause displeasure or frustration. Anxiety and impatience toward the other party reveals a lack of faith and trust in the heart toward the nature and promises of God. We are always to reveal Christ to one another no matter where we are at in our relationship with God. Evil communication corrupts good manners / 1Cor 15:33. Our conversation should reveal and minister grace and not corrupt communication / Eph 4:29.

Jesus was very kind and gentle with the woman caught in adultery / John 8. He did not condemn or judge her and treater her with gentleness. The woman that anointed His feet with ointment was thought of harshly by those in the house of the Pharisee, but Jesus, who was his guest, treated her with gentleness and allowed her to minister to Him / Luke 7.

Eph 4:32 'And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.'

Psalm 145:9 'The LORD is good to all: and his tender mercies are over all his works'.

James 3:10 'Out of the same mouth proceedeth blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not so to be'.

1Jn 3:16 'Hereby perceive we the love of God, because he laid down his life for us: and we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren'.

Gal 5:22 'But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith...'

James 3:17 'But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be intreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy.'

 

[lil-rush]

Agreed. Talking and thinking is a recipe for disaster.

Women always want to talk about their feelings. And most women always want to 'discuss issues' with their relationship, even when there are none. Its because in movies and TV shows, women are always talking about the relationship with the man. As a result, women feel like they have to do this. "I just want to know where we stand on this". "I just want to tell you how I feel about this". "I want to know how you would feel if this happened".

Definitely agree with MS on this. "Problems" go away if you ignore them.

I'm not sure if you are being serious or if you're being sarcastic. If you're being serious, I suggest you read some books on how the female brain works. If you're being sarcastic... well, I don't really have anything to say if you're being sarcastic.

 

[greatkraw]

Well, I was enjoying the humour of the thread - Fix Your Weave said it all lol

 

[Sharp]

I'm not sure if you are being serious or if you're being sarcastic. If you're being serious, I suggest you read some books on how the female brain works. If you're being sarcastic... well, I don't really have anything to say if you're being sarcastic.

I've been reading about female brains, as you suggested. Interesting reading, but pretty much unsubstantiated nonsense.

I read that all brains start as female brains, and some turn in to male brains at 18 weeks with a testosterone injection. I don't believe it. Brains are brains. This book that everyone keeps talking about, "The Female Brain", I read a couple of chapters. Feminist propaganda.

Women these days in the secular world are taught from a very young age to control men by complaining to them about their actions. Look at Miley Cyrus's song "7 things I hate about you". Seemingly harmless, but she is encouraging young girls to systematically analyse the things they want to change about their boyfriends and convey this to them, preferrably through song.

Look at sit-coms these days. The typical family structure in them involves a dumb fat man as the husband, and a sparkling energetic pretty woman as the wife. The woman spends all her time confusing the man about what she wants him to do. The man spends all his time trying to keep up. The son is troubled, spending all his time in his room wondering why he can't understand women. The daughter manipulates her father into doing whatever she wants him to do. Its subtle, but its madness.

Look at romance movies. The male lead is always a pretty nancy boy, like Hugh Grant or Jude Law. They go to ridiculous lengths to please a seemingly plain woman. Fantasy, but it manifests itself as reality.

Even the 'christian' family drama - 7th Heaven. The wife is a control freak. The husband is a docile doormat who gives in to the stern looks of his wife and sugar-coated manipulative demands of his daughters.

Yes, I am convinced that the western world is being run behind closed doors by a group of socialist feminist women with hyphonated surnames who wear trousers. The end.