A
Well, OK, at times women do baffle me. Really though, the only woman that I have to figure out is my wife. She doesn't really baffle me too much but she does amaze me, I just do my best to connect the dots. 
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I'm tempted to ask hubby if I baffle him, but he'll focus on the love. I see the baffled when I say something he doesn't get. lol
A
Nah, I truly suspect Greg is who he says he is. I also understand the devastation of a marriage. When you expect to live your life with the person you marry and it ends up everything you never expected (which happens when you don't know there are mental issues at the time of the marriage or they develop later), it really does put you off kilter for the longest time. I married a guy with that kind of background, but he got so far as to go to the one who puts us back on kilter before we met. Not the same as getting over it. It took a good 20-30 years before he finally truly trusted I won't do what she did to him.
A
Wildwind, you wanted someone to talk to, 14 responses and you tip out the door because it was nothing you wanted to hear? And you've been divorced twice, hmmm. Your reluctance and apprehension towards your current relationship might have something to do with your 2 previous failures. I suspect you don't trust your own inclinations now? Women aren't hard to figure out, just give them everything they want and the puzzle is solved
M
To me, it sounds a bit like a matter of faith..... faith in the man/woman relationship that is.
If you have had faith in the past and that faith was broken, then it is a very difficult thing to deal with.
My advice to the OP is that somehow he has to find the faith that the relationship will work out, because it is hard to have a real and complete relationship without that belief.
If you have had faith in the past and that faith was broken, then it is a very difficult thing to deal with.
My advice to the OP is that somehow he has to find the faith that the relationship will work out, because it is hard to have a real and complete relationship without that belief.
I believe he has left and really didn't want to hear the truth about what he is on the rebound for and how he is about to have a crash landing. No one can answer the perspective of another woman. Only God can read the mind..yes there are similarities among women..but only a woman can answer for herself.
I hope he hasn't left, because I wanted to think about this post before I answered.
I think the musician thing is the key. I was a professional musician for 7 years before I got saved. Then a music teacher for about 10 years. And I always have either played or sang in worship bands including being a worship pastor for 4 years.
The musicians I know are restless. They want excitement. They love to worship and play, but also to make the music new, and different. I think you are relating to women as if she were a song. Rather than looking for a song you can sing for a long time, and always love - because the music is well written and the lyrics rich, you are looking for the latest woman/song on the hit parade. One the congregation might not be able to sing, it is so idiosyncratic. Meaning very hard to sing, or as they used to say on American Bandstand, "I didn't like the beat because I couldn't dance to it."
When I came to Christ, I gave up all that wild life. Even your screen name is a bit wild. So if you like wild, then don't try and domesticate it. Either live with it and all the mental disorder than comes with it, or find someone that is tame, and calm and will last a few more decades.
And I'm sorry your lonely, and I hope you meet many new friends at CC.
I think the musician thing is the key. I was a professional musician for 7 years before I got saved. Then a music teacher for about 10 years. And I always have either played or sang in worship bands including being a worship pastor for 4 years.
The musicians I know are restless. They want excitement. They love to worship and play, but also to make the music new, and different. I think you are relating to women as if she were a song. Rather than looking for a song you can sing for a long time, and always love - because the music is well written and the lyrics rich, you are looking for the latest woman/song on the hit parade. One the congregation might not be able to sing, it is so idiosyncratic. Meaning very hard to sing, or as they used to say on American Bandstand, "I didn't like the beat because I couldn't dance to it."
When I came to Christ, I gave up all that wild life. Even your screen name is a bit wild. So if you like wild, then don't try and domesticate it. Either live with it and all the mental disorder than comes with it, or find someone that is tame, and calm and will last a few more decades.
And I'm sorry your lonely, and I hope you meet many new friends at CC.
W
Okay...I've read through these posts three times. Not sure where to start. In no particular order...
When I signed up, a screen appeared that it was $4.99/month or $25 something for a year for access to anything more than a couple of sections (lurking was free, partaking cost a few bucks). Not true? I don't mind donating, do so often with other sites. Anyway, no matter.
Wildwind - is a name I made up a very long time ago and remember fondly. It has nothing to do with personal wildness. I am very far from being wild. I'm very shy (despite all the music and plays), not aggressive in the least toward women, I don't drink (never been drunk), don't smoke or do drugs, generally prefer to stay in rather than go out - so "wild" I am definitely not.
As for "were the women crazy and I married them anyway." No. Actually I think the first was but she concealed it very well. And we dated for over two years. On the honeymoon a switch flipped or something and I saw a side of her I never dreamed existed. To this day I ask how I missed it. Maybe blinded by her beauty and amazing testimony? She began to show her true colors pretty early. The second seemed super together, an excellent match. But a serious (non-treatable) personality disorder ran very strong in her family. Until things went sideways, I had never heard of it. There is no medication or treatment. It bascially makes relationships impossible (and not just marriage - unable to get along with anyone, it's always their fault, fired from jobs or always on the verge no matter their skills). When I did hear it was from doctors, first about her 25YO daughter, and then from her own doctor who felt the syndrome was greatly exacerbated by menopause. We had three great years, then three years where she moved out of the bedroom (returning for short period - minutes - and then leaving again for the night).
Both became extremely abusive and both lost the faith they once manifested. And both cheated. (No, I never did - terrified at the prospect and my own character would never permit it, something that did get tested at various times.) The second one seemed to "lose it" when I was laid off from a 20+ year job when we got bought out, despite being in a very good financial situation and me beginning to have success in personal business.
So no, they weren't nuts at first and I am hardly the type to go there no matter how good looking they were.
Two divorces in the same decade? Hmmm...first one ended in 2000, second in 2013. Believe me, I never considered divorce a way out. The first was driven due to her cheating and nearly killing my older daughter. The second - well that story is too weird for this little box. And maybe a larger box. But to her, it was a business arrangement. I didn't know that going in - she told me later. Mainly she had needs and her strict upbringing would not permit filling such needs with being married. And alcohol abuse was a factor in both.
The musician part as cause - sorry. That doesn't describe me at all. I guess I'd be the serious one that nobody notices at first, and then they start to hear what I'm playing. I'm the one that people come up to rather than me going out to meet them. Like I said, very shy, though I dearly love people. And I realize much (if not all) the loneliness is my fault but after all these years, I still don't know how to get past the shyness.
Did I feel like I deserved a good woman? YES!! I spent my entire 20s in "counseling" with my married friends and reading dozens of Christian books on marriage, wanting to be the very best husband (and father) on the planet. I feel good about what God did inside of me, but obviously all that time didn't serve me somehow. Again, too many words for such a small box. But to this day, I believe powerfully I deserve(d) better. FWIW, both ex-wives have told me their treatment, cheating, and abuse was horrible, begged me to forgive, and asked me to re-marry them. The first changed her name back to mine (and she got married/divorced after that). So maybe you can see why I'm a bit confused?
Why don't I just come out and ask her? I'm not sure you'll believe the answer. Very early on she established a "pace," a very slow pace, and told me that certain things had to wait until she was ready. She's not manipulative - just deeply wounded. And there is another factor - she's fairly wealthy. So being a personable woman of substance and physically very distracting (without dressing for it), there has been a LOT of men who see the home on the lake and other things. She does not flash her money - older car, nice house but not amazing, conservative in her spending habits - but her guard is up. . There's more, but enough for now. There are times we can speak directly. And we are making progress. I mainly need to try to understand better about the things she can't (or won't in some cases) speak of and why she keeps holding back even some basic things.
I'm not going to look at the notes again. I do appreciate the responses. I'd like to say I wasn't running from truth, but you can decide that one. I admit I took offense to come of them (and it's very hard to offend me). I have used the Wildwind name for 30 years. It's the first time anyone associated it with wildness of anything but the Holy Spirit. As there is significant meaning to that name, I let that get to me. And I think most of us would be displeased by the suggestions of "if I was really real, then this stuff would not be happening." I admit freely my part in all that has transpired. And it did seem that some came to their conclusions without evidence. I very much feel like I stumbled on a group of veteran members who are making sure I realize I don't belong. Not yet anyway.
When I signed up, a screen appeared that it was $4.99/month or $25 something for a year for access to anything more than a couple of sections (lurking was free, partaking cost a few bucks). Not true? I don't mind donating, do so often with other sites. Anyway, no matter.
Wildwind - is a name I made up a very long time ago and remember fondly. It has nothing to do with personal wildness. I am very far from being wild. I'm very shy (despite all the music and plays), not aggressive in the least toward women, I don't drink (never been drunk), don't smoke or do drugs, generally prefer to stay in rather than go out - so "wild" I am definitely not.
As for "were the women crazy and I married them anyway." No. Actually I think the first was but she concealed it very well. And we dated for over two years. On the honeymoon a switch flipped or something and I saw a side of her I never dreamed existed. To this day I ask how I missed it. Maybe blinded by her beauty and amazing testimony? She began to show her true colors pretty early. The second seemed super together, an excellent match. But a serious (non-treatable) personality disorder ran very strong in her family. Until things went sideways, I had never heard of it. There is no medication or treatment. It bascially makes relationships impossible (and not just marriage - unable to get along with anyone, it's always their fault, fired from jobs or always on the verge no matter their skills). When I did hear it was from doctors, first about her 25YO daughter, and then from her own doctor who felt the syndrome was greatly exacerbated by menopause. We had three great years, then three years where she moved out of the bedroom (returning for short period - minutes - and then leaving again for the night).
Both became extremely abusive and both lost the faith they once manifested. And both cheated. (No, I never did - terrified at the prospect and my own character would never permit it, something that did get tested at various times.) The second one seemed to "lose it" when I was laid off from a 20+ year job when we got bought out, despite being in a very good financial situation and me beginning to have success in personal business.
So no, they weren't nuts at first and I am hardly the type to go there no matter how good looking they were.
Two divorces in the same decade? Hmmm...first one ended in 2000, second in 2013. Believe me, I never considered divorce a way out. The first was driven due to her cheating and nearly killing my older daughter. The second - well that story is too weird for this little box. And maybe a larger box. But to her, it was a business arrangement. I didn't know that going in - she told me later. Mainly she had needs and her strict upbringing would not permit filling such needs with being married. And alcohol abuse was a factor in both.
The musician part as cause - sorry. That doesn't describe me at all. I guess I'd be the serious one that nobody notices at first, and then they start to hear what I'm playing. I'm the one that people come up to rather than me going out to meet them. Like I said, very shy, though I dearly love people. And I realize much (if not all) the loneliness is my fault but after all these years, I still don't know how to get past the shyness.
Did I feel like I deserved a good woman? YES!! I spent my entire 20s in "counseling" with my married friends and reading dozens of Christian books on marriage, wanting to be the very best husband (and father) on the planet. I feel good about what God did inside of me, but obviously all that time didn't serve me somehow. Again, too many words for such a small box. But to this day, I believe powerfully I deserve(d) better. FWIW, both ex-wives have told me their treatment, cheating, and abuse was horrible, begged me to forgive, and asked me to re-marry them. The first changed her name back to mine (and she got married/divorced after that). So maybe you can see why I'm a bit confused?
Why don't I just come out and ask her? I'm not sure you'll believe the answer. Very early on she established a "pace," a very slow pace, and told me that certain things had to wait until she was ready. She's not manipulative - just deeply wounded. And there is another factor - she's fairly wealthy. So being a personable woman of substance and physically very distracting (without dressing for it), there has been a LOT of men who see the home on the lake and other things. She does not flash her money - older car, nice house but not amazing, conservative in her spending habits - but her guard is up. . There's more, but enough for now. There are times we can speak directly. And we are making progress. I mainly need to try to understand better about the things she can't (or won't in some cases) speak of and why she keeps holding back even some basic things.
I'm not going to look at the notes again. I do appreciate the responses. I'd like to say I wasn't running from truth, but you can decide that one. I admit I took offense to come of them (and it's very hard to offend me). I have used the Wildwind name for 30 years. It's the first time anyone associated it with wildness of anything but the Holy Spirit. As there is significant meaning to that name, I let that get to me. And I think most of us would be displeased by the suggestions of "if I was really real, then this stuff would not be happening." I admit freely my part in all that has transpired. And it did seem that some came to their conclusions without evidence. I very much feel like I stumbled on a group of veteran members who are making sure I realize I don't belong. Not yet anyway.
K
Everyone who comes here belongs unless they are rude or stir up strife.I dont see you doing that.I've read what you said and I have a thought.You say you are shy,was there something in your ex wives that made up for your shyness? Were they more outgoing? Perhaps that put you at ease.Maybe that is why you choose the same type of women.We usually choose people who have things in their personalities that we lack.Just a thought.
You said you need a womans perspective,so what is it that you need to know? I think its a good idea. Ive read relationship books that are for men,helps me see how men see things.No matter what society tries to tell us we are different and we think and act differently.If you stay around Im sure people will try to answer your questions as best they can.I know I will. Blessings.
W
Thanks kaylagrl,
Both wives were fairly reserved when sober, a fairly even match. I am shy but not crippled. I don't hide from social contact, but I'm not likely to initiate it with strangers (sometimes I can - never figured that out about myself). Plus I do things like arrive early (handy since I have stuff to set up anyway) and don't attract much attention myself (hard to explain with the music thing).
But both got far more outgoing when drinking. #2 could not legally drive (and had trouble walking) after one or two drinks. The last date she and I had was a Christmas party, work-related (some Christians but not all) and the host was buying drinks. She went right after it. Within minutes she was drunk and openly lusting over one man and saying (out loud) how fast she would sleep with him, and then she went to dance floor (alone except for her drink) and did some seriously dirty dancing, displaying her figure brazenly. On the way home (I could barely get her into the car) she babbled continually about past lovers. Keep in mind this was the same woman who told me flat out she wanted to have an affair, then two weeks later named names. It turns out the day of the party was when she filed for divorce, which she didn't share with me for several days.
Reasons later given - #1 saw me as her ticket out of the ghetto (such as we have around here - she was raised very poor); #2 saw me as someone who would/could feed and fill her sensual cravings, plus she wanted to quit her job. She had been alone (widowed) for 13 years.
Both wives were fairly reserved when sober, a fairly even match. I am shy but not crippled. I don't hide from social contact, but I'm not likely to initiate it with strangers (sometimes I can - never figured that out about myself). Plus I do things like arrive early (handy since I have stuff to set up anyway) and don't attract much attention myself (hard to explain with the music thing).
But both got far more outgoing when drinking. #2 could not legally drive (and had trouble walking) after one or two drinks. The last date she and I had was a Christmas party, work-related (some Christians but not all) and the host was buying drinks. She went right after it. Within minutes she was drunk and openly lusting over one man and saying (out loud) how fast she would sleep with him, and then she went to dance floor (alone except for her drink) and did some seriously dirty dancing, displaying her figure brazenly. On the way home (I could barely get her into the car) she babbled continually about past lovers. Keep in mind this was the same woman who told me flat out she wanted to have an affair, then two weeks later named names. It turns out the day of the party was when she filed for divorce, which she didn't share with me for several days.
Reasons later given - #1 saw me as her ticket out of the ghetto (such as we have around here - she was raised very poor); #2 saw me as someone who would/could feed and fill her sensual cravings, plus she wanted to quit her job. She had been alone (widowed) for 13 years.
K
No I understand being shy but being in music.I traveled and sang in a family gospel group for 20yrs. traveled in the US and Canada.Im not an outgoing person at all.I wouldnt have what one would call a performers personality but felt called to sing.So I get what you mean.
I dont see alcohol as being a good thing.Even people who are just "buzzed" say and do things they would never do if sober.I dont drink myself at all. I dated a person briefly who seemed to be one thing but turned out to be the devils own. Sometimes we dont have a great judge of character when we are lonely.That was the mistake I made.I suffered because of it.The guy really tore my life apart.I was more careful the next time I dated.Perhaps feeling lonely was why you made the choice in women you did?
I hate to point something obvious out to you, but it is simple. You are displaying a lack of respect for yourself and your relationships, speaking in public about things you care deeply about. This is not appropriate or wise. We are strangers to you, and if we met you would never be involved at this level or are in anyway in a position to give real advice.
You need a personal friend who can help you get emotional perspective. I suspect you enjoy this display of emotional exposure and attention, but I am not sure this is really you. I would advise you to talk to people who know you best, but maybe there is a real reason you do not trust them?
You claim maturity, experience yet you are here talking to strangers about things very personal, which in itself points at the opposite. So unfortunately I do not believe you, and I do not believe you really know yourself or how you function, but you are very gifted at deflecting attention away from what is really going on. Who do you really care about and why?
You need a personal friend who can help you get emotional perspective. I suspect you enjoy this display of emotional exposure and attention, but I am not sure this is really you. I would advise you to talk to people who know you best, but maybe there is a real reason you do not trust them?
You claim maturity, experience yet you are here talking to strangers about things very personal, which in itself points at the opposite. So unfortunately I do not believe you, and I do not believe you really know yourself or how you function, but you are very gifted at deflecting attention away from what is really going on. Who do you really care about and why?
I am not saying it is a mistake to seek someone, but I am saying you are abdicating responsibility for your own decisions, which in the end are yours to make, and yours to live with the consequences.
Firstly you need to own everything you have ever done. Next you need to admit failure, mistakes, forgiveness for people you have hurt, damage you have caused. Next you need to realise Jesus accepts it all and still love you.
When all the emotional turmoil has ceased, then you will know what you actually want to do next.
But all this is your walk, and your working out. People can help you find your perspective, but it is you who are the focus, which you seem to be running away from, trying to get others to do it for you.
I hope this helps.
Firstly you need to own everything you have ever done. Next you need to admit failure, mistakes, forgiveness for people you have hurt, damage you have caused. Next you need to realise Jesus accepts it all and still love you.
When all the emotional turmoil has ceased, then you will know what you actually want to do next.
But all this is your walk, and your working out. People can help you find your perspective, but it is you who are the focus, which you seem to be running away from, trying to get others to do it for you.
I hope this helps.
You and I, on screen, have the same profile, except that I have been married to the same woman, my first love, for 39 yrs and we're still kinda on that honeymoon trip just a little! lol We do not look nor act 'our age' and I am also heavily involved with music, am very close to my minister dad, raised with honor and integrity and so forth. Us men will never fully understand the full mental makeup of the opposite sex, even at our age. But, they most likely feel the same about males, in general. I do not know the ultimate answer for your future, but you surely cannot change your past, but to learn from it, good or bad.