Huh. So, you preferred your opinion to loving your wife... or that's how it reads to me.
Does God pull you kicking and scared behind him so that you will do his will? Or does God approach you and comfort your fears and tell you that you will be alright? When you are fearful in taking the next step of submission to him, does he push you through that door, or out that window, or does he prove to you (again) how faithful he is, so that what lies beyond is not more than what you can trust him with?
A helpmate, a friend, a confidant, a prayer partner with whom you prayerfully consider God's direction in your lives is what you signed up for with a wife. Is that how you treated her? "Fighting over stuff that didn't matter"? Well, it sounds like it mattered to her. Did you hear her? Were you her champion in life? Was she able to trust that your ultimate decision was the direction that God was leading your family?
It sounds here (and forgive me, these two posts are all I know about you), like your view of advancing the kingdom were your sole focus. And as a married man? That's not the case. This is the reason that Paul encourages those who can abstain from marriage to do so, your primary ministry as a married man is to your wife and children. (Now as a single father, your primary ministry is to your children.) God will make a way for his will to be done, even for a man in ministry (or a woman in ministry), and he does soften hearts - including the heart of a wife who is afraid to trust God. But the way to do that isn't through force, it's coming together in prayer and asking God to give her confirmation that where you are being lead is where he wants you to go. God is faithful and does not want to see families broken. If you both are submitting to God, that way will be clear.
I hear a lot of pain in your post, and I am so very sorry that she left and betrayed your marriage. I don't know what abusive and hateful means (and I don't need to know). I know that neither of you are perfect. I don't know if either of you struggle with health issues or mental health issues. I don't know if you entered the marriage from a place of seeking God's glory or to satisfy each other.
If I may be so bold, prayerfully consider if you need to seek your ex-wife's forgiveness over how you lead your marriage, or the type of husband you were with her. I'm not saying that the marriage can be (or should be) reconciled, but again... as the male leader of the relationship, that's a huge point of leadership: Knowing that when you are wrong, seeking forgiveness for your wrongdoing. You might be surprised how true humility leads to submission.
