boyfriends dad-help???

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JFSurvivor

JFSurvivor

Senior Member
#1
Jan 20, 2015
1,184
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0
#1
Ok so I have HAD IT with my boyfriends dad! He thinks I need to just "get over" my social anxiety. And not only that he thinks Edgar shouldn't be asking me questions about Jesus!!!! He thinks he either shouldn't be asking them at all or should be going to a pastor. I dunno the whole story but I am angry!!! what do I do?
 
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Siberian_Khatru

Guest
#2
#2
JFSurvivor said:
Ok so I have HAD IT with my boyfriends dad!
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Oh just "get over" him. :p

I dunno the whole story but I am angry!!! what do I do?
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Get the whole story. Are you on speaking terms with Edgar's dad? (If yes, maybe you can talk with the dad about this, as long as it won't be crossing any lines.)
 
P

Pilkington

Senior Member
#3
Jan 13, 2015
640
101
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#3
Ok did your boyfriend tell you that his Dad has said you should just "get over" you social anxiety and that your boyfriend shouldn't be asking you questions about Jesus.

If it is your boyfriend telling you what his Dad is saying you need to explain how difficult you find what his Dad is saying and that it might be best if he just doesn't tell you. If your boyfriends Dad is saying it directly to you then I would say you need to talk to him about it. I don't think many people understand social anxiety and why you can't just "get over it". With regards to your boyfriend asking questions about Jesus is your boyfriend and or his Dad Christians? Firstly it may be a cultural thing, secondly he may not feel that you know enough or that only the pastor has the "right answer".

Also what does your boyfriend think about these things. Does he also think you should "get over" your social anxiety and does he want his questions about Jesus answered by you?
 
JFSurvivor

JFSurvivor

Senior Member
#4
Jan 20, 2015
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Pilkington said:
Ok did your boyfriend tell you that his Dad has said you should just "get over" you social anxiety and that your boyfriend shouldn't be asking you questions about Jesus.

If it is your boyfriend telling you what his Dad is saying you need to explain how difficult you find what his Dad is saying and that it might be best if he just doesn't tell you. If your boyfriends Dad is saying it directly to you then I would say you need to talk to him about it. I don't think many people understand social anxiety and why you can't just "get over it". With regards to your boyfriend asking questions about Jesus is your boyfriend and or his Dad Christians? Firstly it may be a cultural thing, secondly he may not feel that you know enough or that only the pastor has the "right answer".

Also what does your boyfriend think about these things. Does he also think you should "get over" your social anxiety and does he want his questions about Jesus answered by you?
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My boyfriend told me all of it. The hard thing is when I am invited to things and my anxiety acts up his dad doesn't take it seriously so when Edgar and I step away he's always like "come back to the party" and not in a nice inviting way. More like a "COME BACK TO THE PARTY OR YOU'RE DEAD TO ME!" kind of way.
 
Angela53510

Angela53510

Senior Member
#5
Jan 24, 2011
11,786
2,961
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#5
If you have social anxiety and your boyfriend's father doesn't understand it, have you tried explaining it? Tell him it is a disease, and you are not going to "just get over it."

Your boyfriend's father might be upset you leave on him. Do you tell him you need to get out and get some space? Or just leave and he doesn't know where you have gone. Is this a habit, or just occasionally?

If the dad is not talking to you directly, then ignore it. If he does talk to you about it, try and be respectful, and honest. It is not an attack, but rather ignorance.


PS. I may have misunderstood your problem.
 
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JFSurvivor

JFSurvivor

Senior Member
#6
Jan 20, 2015
1,184
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#6
Siberian_Khatru said:
Oh just "get over" him. :p


Get the whole story. Are you on speaking terms with Edgar's dad? (If yes, maybe you can talk with the dad about this, as long as it won't be crossing any lines.)
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I am NOT on speaking terms with him.
 
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cmarieh

Guest
#7
#7
I am going to say this and I don't intend to be judgmental and if it comes across that way, I sincerely apologize. You said that you have anxiety and I can understand because I get test anxiety so I get that it just doesn't go away. You may not agree with your boyfriends dad, but if you see a future with him you need to start respecting him. If you get married and he will be your Father In Law and I firmly believe that the commandment stands with him as well. Also, if you have children do you want them to respect their grandparents? Children tend to repeat what they see their parents do.

True Story: My sister and her father in law do not get along and to be honest it is no secret. She has been known to yell at him and call him names to his face. My sister and I both were not raised this way and we know better than to treat anyone like this. But as a result of her being disrespectful to her Father In Law it has caused a major problem between her husband and his dad.

Again, I do apologize if this came across as judgmental and I am by no means saying that he is right and you are wrong, but what I am saying is no matter what he tells you, he still deserves respect.
 
JFSurvivor

JFSurvivor

Senior Member
#8
Jan 20, 2015
1,184
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#8
cmarieh said:
I am going to say this and I don't intend to be judgmental and if it comes across that way, I sincerely apologize. You said that you have anxiety and I can understand because I get test anxiety so I get that it just doesn't go away. You may not agree with your boyfriends dad, but if you see a future with him you need to start respecting him. If you get married and he will be your Father In Law and I firmly believe that the commandment stands with him as well. Also, if you have children do you want them to respect their grandparents? Children tend to repeat what they see their parents do.

True Story: My sister and her father in law do not get along and to be honest it is no secret. She has been known to yell at him and call him names to his face. My sister and I both were not raised this way and we know better than to treat anyone like this. But as a result of her being disrespectful to her Father In Law it has caused a major problem between her husband and his dad.

Again, I do apologize if this came across as judgmental and I am by no means saying that he is right and you are wrong, but what I am saying is no matter what he tells you, he still deserves respect.
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Define respect. I can be nice to his face. I can pretend to like him however I don't think I will ever get to the point where I can call him "dad". If respecting him means I can keep him at arms length then I can do that.
 
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cmarieh

Guest
#9
#9
By the way JFSurvivor, I do think you are an incredible young woman that is so many wonderful gifts that God has entrusted you with. I will be praying for a peace to resolve this situation and God's love to surround everyone involved.
 
JFSurvivor

JFSurvivor

Senior Member
#10
Jan 20, 2015
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#10
cmarieh said:
By the way JFSurvivor, I do think you are an incredible young woman that is so many wonderful gifts that God has entrusted you with. I will be praying for a peace to resolve this situation and God's love to surround everyone involved.
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Thank you. I need it.
 
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cmarieh

Guest
#11
#11
JFSurvivor said:
Define respect. I can be nice to his face. I can pretend to like him however I don't think I will ever get to the point where I can call him "dad". If respecting him means I can keep him at arms length then I can do that.
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I believe respect is a two way street, but there are cases where one gives respect whereas the other doesn't. The one thing that bothered me with your statement that "you can be nice to his face", I do believe it is more than that. You need to respect him whether he is in the room or not. I think of respect as showing consideration for his feelings and showing appreciation for him. You may never call him dad and that is okay, but you still need to look up to him as a Father figure. I have a question for you. If this situation was on the other foot, would it be okay if your boyfriend was disrespectful to your dad? It actually helps me stay on the right path if I actually look at it from a different perspective.
 
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mystikmind

Guest
#13
#13
Actually it is quite normal to have 'difficulties' with the boyfreinds/girlfreinds parents, and even when they are good at pretending to be nice, there will still be uncomfortable feelings, all perfectly natural.

A wise parent knows a boyfreind/girlfreind is a blessing for their offspring, but also they know that the boyfreind/girlfreind is a threat.... less wise parents or insecure parents take this side of things far more seriously
 
JFSurvivor

JFSurvivor

Senior Member
#14
Jan 20, 2015
1,184
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0
#14
cmarieh said:
I believe respect is a two way street, but there are cases where one gives respect whereas the other doesn't. The one thing that bothered me with your statement that "you can be nice to his face", I do believe it is more than that. You need to respect him whether he is in the room or not. I think of respect as showing consideration for his feelings and showing appreciation for him. You may never call him dad and that is okay, but you still need to look up to him as a Father figure. I have a question for you. If this situation was on the other foot, would it be okay if your boyfriend was disrespectful to your dad? It actually helps me stay on the right path if I actually look at it from a different perspective.
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ok now define disrespect. I'm not mean to him. I'm just fed up with all his garbage.

If my dad was being disrespectful to Edgar I would probably understand if Edgar was frusterated and if he didn't like my dad. I wouldn't want him to be mean to him but I would understand why he feels the way he would.

I don't think I'll ever appreciate him. I can show consoderation for his feelings but I can't appreciate him.

Also looking up to him as a father figure? Uh no. Not only because of what he did to me but because of what he did to Edgar.
 
JFSurvivor

JFSurvivor

Senior Member
#15
Jan 20, 2015
1,184
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0
#15
mystikmind said:
Actually it is quite normal to have 'difficulties' with the boyfreinds/girlfreinds parents, and even when they are good at pretending to be nice, there will still be uncomfortable feelings, all perfectly natural.

A wise parent knows a boyfreind/girlfreind is a blessing for their offspring, but also they know that the boyfreind/girlfreind is a threat.... less wise parents or insecure parents take this side of things far more seriously
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Well I wouldn't put it past them to be insecure after how they have treated their son.
 
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mystikmind

Guest
#16
#16
JFSurvivor said:
Well I wouldn't put it past them to be insecure after how they have treated their son.
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It is good if you can see past their immediate actions and understand that parents can be far from perfect and yes, they can be insecure and all those things :)
 
JFSurvivor

JFSurvivor

Senior Member
#17
Jan 20, 2015
1,184
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0
#17
I feel like my sympathy has run out for them. :-( I wish it didn't. I wish I had endless amounts of sympathy but I don't. Yes I feel bad about what a hard life they have led however they have not gotten proper help and refuse to get better. That's what bugs me the most. it's like you can get better but you won't. They're supposed to be mature adults and yet they act like 2 year olds. And whats worse is how they have treated and hurt edgar.
 
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mystikmind

Guest
#18
#18
JFSurvivor said:
I feel like my sympathy has run out for them. :-( I wish it didn't. I wish I had endless amounts of sympathy but I don't. Yes I feel bad about what a hard life they have led however they have not gotten proper help and refuse to get better. That's what bugs me the most. it's like you can get better but you won't. They're supposed to be mature adults and yet they act like 2 year olds. And whats worse is how they have treated and hurt edgar.
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Its ok if your sympathy has run out, because the way you relate to people can just as easily be driven by choice than emotion. And if it is not possible to improve the situation, at least you can choose not to make it worse, i know its not much but this is really all i can think of at the moment?
 
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angelsonthemove4u

Banned
#19
May 2, 2015
89
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0
#19
Go on the internet , look up everything you can find on your particular condition and print out all the material , create a full packet of knowledge for the father and Edgar ... Then end of subject . They will have been educated in a way they cannot deny or dismiss , ignorance of a subject can cause grave problems for all of us , read these scriptures and see what I mean Jeremiah 4:22 Hosea 4:6 Amos 8:11 and to get rid of your anxiety take God up on this promise Hebrews 11:6 God loves you and wants you to have an expected end Jeremiah 29:11-13 peace to you ...
 
M

mystikmind

Guest
#20
#20
angelsonthemove4u said:
Go on the internet , look up everything you can find on your particular condition and print out all the material , create a full packet of knowledge for the father and Edgar ... Then end of subject . They will have been educated in a way they cannot deny or dismiss , ignorance of a subject can cause grave problems for all of us , read these scriptures and see what I mean Jeremiah 4:22 Hosea 4:6 Amos 8:11 and to get rid of your anxiety take God up on this promise Hebrews 11:6 God loves you and wants you to have an expected end Jeremiah 29:11-13 peace to you ...
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Very good advice, but parents can be the most stubbornly prideful creatures on the planet and will not listen to reason no matter how irrefutable it is, and i can almost guarrantee this will be the response of the OP's boyfriends dad. But what you do, is, you learn the information for yourself, to help you manage the situation.
 
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