Being married for what?

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Kristizzle7

Guest
#1
#1
I've been married for almost a year and a half. After 6 months of marriage, I found out that while we were seriously dating that he was having an affair with his ex who is also a mother to his 2 children. Him and I together have 1 child with one on the way. I've been trying to stay strong as a wife and mother to stay in the marriage for everybody else's sake but feel like I'm sacrificing my own feelings! I think ab what happened every single day. Not to mention I have to meet up with his ex(the one he had an affair on me with) to pick up his two children every other weekend and see her at drop off time as well. It breaks my heart. The affair happened while we were dating but who knows what happend after we married? He lied to me. It hurts so bad. We've been going to church and helps but still feel like I'm putting myself down for not getting out of the marriage bc I'm trying to keep the family together. What is the best thing to do?
 
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Ugly

Guest
#2
#2
You're kind of stuck. You have no biblical basis for divorce. His cheating happened before the marriage, so it's not a viable reason to divorce him biblically.
The best thing to suggest is counseling, really. I know it doesn't sound like much, but it's the only real option you have at this point.
 
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zaoman32

Guest
#3
#3
Kristizzle7 said:
I've been married for almost a year and a half. After 6 months of marriage, I found out that while we were seriously dating that he was having an affair with his ex who is also a mother to his 2 children. Him and I together have 1 child with one on the way. I've been trying to stay strong as a wife and mother to stay in the marriage for everybody else's sake but feel like I'm sacrificing my own feelings! I think ab what happened every single day. Not to mention I have to meet up with his ex(the one he had an affair on me with) to pick up his two children every other weekend and see her at drop off time as well. It breaks my heart. The affair happened while we were dating but who knows what happend after we married? He lied to me. It hurts so bad. We've been going to church and helps but still feel like I'm putting myself down for not getting out of the marriage bc I'm trying to keep the family together. What is the best thing to do?
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Has he given you any reason to believe he has been unfaithful recently? I've seen a lot of relationships very closely over the last couple of years, and honestly, in the best ones I've seen there has been an element of cheating in the past. But typically when that occurs, whoever did it admits their wrong, their significant other forgives them, and they move on it. It's one thing if he cheated once while you were dating, it's another thing completely if he is habitually cheating.

If there is no reason for you to believe he is cheating, then it's unfair to hold him hostage to his past. If he had told you, and sought your forgiveness, then you need to forgive him. The rest you can put in God's hands and allow Him to move the relationship as He will.
 
RickyZ

RickyZ

Senior Member
#4
Sep 20, 2012
9,635
787
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#4
All I know is that Jesus never holds a grudge... so we shouldn't either.
 
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Kristizzle7

Guest
#5
#5
Thanks for the feedback. I do know that I would have NEVER married him if I knew this previously.
 
PeterJens

PeterJens

Banned
#6
Feb 24, 2015
13,204
168
0
#6
The question you have is one of trust. You feel betrayed and are unsure how faithful your husband is now or in the future.
You need help, and you walked into the relationship knowing he likes playing the field.

If you want to be serious, you need to talk to him about how you feel and be prepared for the consequences. The truth is a crisis will happen in the future, but letting the relationship have a good foundation now makes a big difference.
You are always going to have issues with 4 children involved, so it is not ever going to be easy.

But on the positive side you have to ask do you love this man. What are his positive aspects, and are they enough.
If you cannot find enough you are in trouble and it is just a question of time.
Foundations matter and things can change, but without knowing, burying and hiding stuff unfortunately creates the opposite, because everything becomes to fragile.
 
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mystikmind

Guest
#7
#7
Ugly said:
You're kind of stuck. You have no biblical basis for divorce. His cheating happened before the marriage, so it's not a viable reason to divorce him biblically.
The best thing to suggest is counseling, really. I know it doesn't sound like much, but it's the only real option you have at this point.
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But that is not to make light of the emotional connection they had before the marriage,,, and i think it is fair to say that if it feels like cheating then it is cheating. So lets be on the safe side and accept it was cheating, now we can help her work out how to deal with it and try to build a wonderful marriage!
 
notuptome

notuptome

Senior Member
#8
May 17, 2013
15,050
2,538
113
#8
Kristizzle7 said:
Thanks for the feedback. I do know that I would have NEVER married him if I knew this previously.
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It never dawned on you that perhaps that is why he was divorced from his first wife?

Well being a victim is not going to make this any less painful. You have kids to think about. If your husband is a Christian he had better consider how God is going to judge him for his infidelity.

For the cause of Christ
Roger
 
secularhermit

secularhermit

Banned
#9
May 3, 2013
8,719
75
0
#9
I´m sorry you missed this red flags "The affair happened while we were dating but who knows what happend after we married? He lied to me."

You thought you could get control of those things no one can.

I´m sorry! :(
 
jsr1221

jsr1221

Senior Member
#10
Jul 7, 2013
4,265
77
48
#10
Ugly said:
You're kind of stuck. You have no biblical basis for divorce. His cheating happened before the marriage, so it's not a viable reason to divorce him biblically.
The best thing to suggest is counseling, really. I know it doesn't sound like much, but it's the only real option you have at this point.
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Who's to say the cheating stopped once they married? It's kinda hard to prove that it did and it's kinda hard to prove that it didn't.
 
secularhermit

secularhermit

Banned
#11
May 3, 2013
8,719
75
0
#11
"You have no biblical basis for divorce."

I wondered if marriage is as strong as the bond of a child (which is the closest way to see "my flesh is her flesh", in a new body)

Mat 5:28 But I say to you, that whoever looks at a woman in order to lust after her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

Mat 19:6 So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate."
Mat 19:7 They said to Him, "Why then did Moses command to give a certificate of divorce, and to put her away?"
Mat 19:8 He said to them, "Moses, because of the hardness of your hearts, permitted you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it has not been thus.
Mat 19:9 And I say to you, that whoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marrying a divorcee commits adultery."
 
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mystikmind

Guest
#12
#12
notuptome said:
It never dawned on you that perhaps that is why he was divorced from his first wife?

Well being a victim is not going to make this any less painful. You have kids to think about. If your husband is a Christian he had better consider how God is going to judge him for his infidelity.

For the cause of Christ
Roger
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Ever noticed how often women say "the past is the past" and they don't want to talk about it when a guy tries to ask them about past relationships? And how there is this general consensus that it is not good form to talk about past relationships when dating? And even if a guy does open up about past relationships, he is rewarded by the girl thinking he has issues and is not over it and she dumps him, so no one wants to talk about past relationships.

What a load of rubbish! Past relationships are an important indicator of what this person is like in a relationship, especially how their past relationships ended, because you do not want to end up their next victim!!! Watch out for those people who are evasive about how their past relationships ended.... RED FLAG ON STEROIDS!
 
secularhermit

secularhermit

Banned
#13
May 3, 2013
8,719
75
0
#13
Ha! Ha!

@ mistikmind

I would only ask her: "How many boyfriends you had last year?"... If she is open and sincere, I know what would come next but, the way you read and see how she tells "all" (which is not all) you know more on those things.

If I knew how many children she has or, how many she got from several biological dads, I know where things would end.
 
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faroe

Guest
#14
#14
You really need to go for marriage counseling. A marriage doesnt start on a piece of paper and it doesnt end with a piece of paper. Are either of you Christians? A Christian marriage should involve three.. God, Husband, Wife. Staying in a marriage for kids isnt always the answer if you are not working to resolve the issues in the marriage, it will cause more damage to you and the kids. Please you and he need to decide if you are willing to work on this and get help.
 
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mystikmind

Guest
#15
#15
secularhermit said:
Ha! Ha!

@ mistikmind

I would only ask her: "How many boyfriends you had last year?"... If she is open and sincere, I know what would come next but, the way you read and see how she tells "all" (which is not all) you know more on those things.

If I knew how many children she has or, how many she got from several biological dads, I know where things would end.
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Well that depends on the lessons she had learnt since then, and possibly being saved since then.
What is of more interest to me is 'why' the past relationships ended, because allot of women tend to be a little 'fickle' toward ending relationships, and these are the women us guys (Christian guys) want to avoid.
 
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kaylagrl

Guest
#16
#16
Ugly said:
You're kind of stuck. You have no biblical basis for divorce. His cheating happened before the marriage, so it's not a viable reason to divorce him biblically.
The best thing to suggest is counseling, really. I know it doesn't sound like much, but it's the only real option you have at this point.
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Counseling is the best route. If he was unfaithful that close to his wedding day its most likely he's been unfaithful since.Obviously commitment isn't a sacred thing to him.IMO
 
Angela53510

Angela53510

Senior Member
#17
Jan 24, 2011
11,786
2,961
113
#17
I favour trying to save the marriage. You are too worried about "your" feelings, and not about his, nor God's. Unless you have proof he cheated after you were married, and there is no abuse, I do not think you have grounds for divorce either.

Jesus counsels us to forgive one another as he has forgiven you. Now, you may feel he is rubbing his ex in your face on those visitation pick ups, but why do you have to go? Why can't you just be with your step children when he brings them home?

You don't say how old you are, whether you know Jesus Christ as your Saviour, or if your husband does. If he doesn't and you do, then that was your big mistake, not marrying him when he cheated on you.

I hope you post again and let us know some of the details. If you are in your teens or early 20's, it makes a big difference to if you are in your 30's. And especially whether you really have a relationship with Jesus. Going to church to make you feel better is all very well. But meeting Jesus in prayer and in the Word needs to be the foundation of walking with God. Perhaps that is the direction you need to go in, regardless of what happens in your marriage.
 
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Kristizzle7

Guest
#18
#18
I am 28. Yes we both serve The Lord. Our second date was to church on a Sunday morning service. I do not feel like he has cheated since we've been married. Him and his ex are no longer together bc she was/is an alcoholic. I have to pick up the children from his ex because he is at work during the court ordered pick up time. Why does many of you see it as "I'm playing victim"? I've stuck it out for over a year and marriage is new to me. My parents have been married over 33years and that's all I want is to have a pure marriage. I came to this site to get some pure non judgmental help. To put me down for expressing my feelings and trying to find new ideas and perspective on how to look at this hurtful situation is not helpful and is not Christian like.
 
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Kristizzle7

Guest
#19
#19
Your post is hard to understand and comes across as angry and hateful. Why are you on this site? If you would have read my original post correctly you would see I have 1 child with my husband and one on the way plus 2 step children.
 
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Kristizzle7

Guest
#20
#20
Kristizzle7 said:
Your post is hard to understand and comes across as angry and hateful. Why are you on this site? If you would have read my original post correctly you would see I have 1 child with my husband and one on the way plus 2 step children.
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Also I did not know that he was having an affair with his ex while we were dating. My understanding was they only communicated when it related to their children. I found out ab the affair after we got married from old text messages that were a year prior to us getting married. I trust him now but the pain hurts from knowing what he was doing while we were dating.
 
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