How do you find closure within yourself?

[Roh_Chris]

There are times in our lives when we deal with a personal loss - a divorce, a breakup, loss of a loved one, loss of a job, etc. Sometimes we know the reasons why it happened, but most often we are at a loss. It is as if everything was smooth-sailing until a storm appeared out of nowhere and we later find ourselves struggling to keep our head above the water.

The first response after the storm has cleared is "Why did this happen to me?" Fast forward a few days, and we are clutching at straws to have a closure on the loss. If it's a divorce or a breakup, we end up calling our ex to find out why the relationship ended. If it was the loss of a loved one, we try and speak to friends, family, doctors, etc. to find out how we could have saved that loved one. Sometimes we get the right answers which help us find a closure but some other times we don't.

My question is - how do you find closure within yourself when you cannot receive any answer from others? I understand that closure depends on the situation (relationship, career, personal life, etc.), so if you can explain how you find closure in each situation, that would also be helpful.

 

[Misty77]

It's different for everyone, and it's complicated.

Recognizing God's sovereignty and love is a good place to start. Then you can face the reality of your situation and grieve the loss that you experienced. Get counseling and spiritual guidance wherever appropriate for you situation.

Pray. Turn to God even in your pain and your anger. Like Job, ask him your questions; but realize that you may never get the answers you are looking for.

Believe in God's justice. Even if it's never recognized on earth, have faith that it will happen in eternity.

Give yourself grace as you embark on your journey to healing and reconciliation. Surround yourself with supportive and understanding people. Look for opportunities to turn your burden into a blessing, to turn the pain into something beautiful.

 

[Olerica]

Oh boy. I will leave this here, and I may not return to respond... but I am 3 years out of a loss of a beloved spouse to death by suicide. (By way of a small explanation: Lifelong depression wears on a person. I don't need to have a woulda, coulda, shoulda session here, and I won't entertain one.)

Honestly? Crying out to God. That's the thing that has helped the most. It was about 9 months of putting one foot in front of another and figuring out how to eat, sleep, and breathe again. Another 4 of sort-of becoming a person. Then God showed up and crying out to him became my life blood.

Wow, that sounds so simplistic. I cried. A lot. I prayed that I would do anything if God would.... do the impossible. And little by little, day by day it got a little better. I didn't think I could fall in love again, and it surprised me when I started to care for another man (which is a loss in itself when it didn't work out, but I digress).

I think God can take our questions, our fears, our hurts, our anger. So we do that. We let him hear us in our despair, our low place. We cry out to him and let him have us... because we feel that nothing is left. The truth is that he sees the whole of the 3D puzzle that is humanity and he sees how this (relatively) small hurt in our (relatively) small lives brings glory to him. He sees how it all... how ALL of it works together. He already knows.

I guess I take comfort in that... and some days continue to take comfort in that. Why did one of the best human beings I've ever met decide that not breathing was preferable? Sigh. I don't know. It just was. But the one good thing? God stepped in. I'm serving Jesus with my life. Horrible things happen, but we don't know the horrible things we were saved from.

Am I making any sense? Gaah, I think I'm being overly spiritual or something. Well, anyway. Perspective and falling on God. That's how I handle stuff I can't get a 'real' answer about.

 

[AgeofKnowledge]

[video=youtube;mIOxNnsDVt8]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mIOxNnsDVt8[/video]

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

Most of my closure had to do with the passing of time. You start out questioning everything. Wondering about how things might have been different, why it happened, what could have been done to avoid it. The thought process is natural and healthy at first, but after a while it is no longer edifying, and at that point I had to train myself not to go down that road any longer. It was a matter of realizing that I was doing it (the questioning, the wondering) and then stopping myself asap from thinking about it.

 

[seoulsearch]

Olerica, I am so sorry for your loss .

Roh, this is an amazing topic. I wish the system would let me give you rep again but I've already tried to rep 3 of your other posts and it won't let me!!!

I often wonder what closure even is. It is acceptance? Is it getting to a point where it doesn't hurt anymore? God originally did not create us for things like pain and loss, so I think that no matter how much closure we have and no matter what it is, our loss will always feel unnatural to us.

I know to me, my idea of closure would be my place of accepting that a situation was for the best and that I no longer feel any pain over it and can move on. But (for me at least) that simply doesn't happen (not yet, at least). It still hurts, a lot.

I can only speak for myself, but I know my mind and heart seem to be very limited--I can only process and hang on to so much at one time. Although I don't believe in "time healing all wounds", as time moves on, I encounter more and more things that I have to take in and process.

This becomes a simple equation of, what do I choose to hold on to, and what do I choose to let go in order to make room for new experiences?

For example, if I come to CC and meet a group of wonderful people (far too many to name) who are all going through things and sharing and encouraging each other, and I am allowed to share my own self in the process... I find myself letting go of some things in order to grab on to these new relationships and be able to invest an appropriate amount of time developing them.

Sometimes it's just a distraction and not true closure or healing. But what I've found is that sometimes, while experiencing relationships with new people or going through new things in life (moving, new jobs, new churches, etc.), God causes me to face something that breaks open an old pain in the process, and so the "distraction" in and of itself becomes a form of closure and healing.

For example, I am very grateful for the CC community. It's given me so much. Back when we all used to meet in Singles every night, users like DanPhu and Shouryu would sometimes get on a kick of making Asian jokes about rice and having "slanted" eyes (in case no one knew, they're Asian ). Not only would it keep me in stitches, but I remember one night in particular when another member entered the room and was trying to speak to me in Korean. Without hesitation, Shour immediately got on the mic, slightly laughed with familiarity, and explained my story to this person, and why I don't speak Korean...

It seems like such a little thing. But I was thinking, "Wow, this group really KNOWS me and pays attention to who I am... They can explain parts of who I am without my even having to say a word..." and that was REALLY special to me. I thought about a lot of times when people had made fun of me for being Asian, especially as a child... and suddenly... it didn't hurt so much anymore.

Such a casual, unexpected thing... but I truly believe God gave me a form of closure that night.

 

[seoulsearch]

*Sees Shour's "like" and gives him and Angie a hug.*

You know... another great form of closure can be laughter.

I remember Shour baiting us all for an Asian joke he apparently tells a lot... And you could literally SEE Angie's eyes rolling around in circles at him (because she typed something like *groan* "Not this AGAIN!") even though she wasn't on cam!!! Their interaction was hilarious!!!

And, very healing.

I can't even tell you why. There was just something very comforting about it.

It's amazing how much God can use you to help another person... simply by being yourself.

 

[CatHerder]

There are times in our lives when we deal with a personal loss - a divorce, a breakup, loss of a loved one, loss of a job, etc. Sometimes we know the reasons why it happened, but most often we are at a loss. It is as if everything was smooth-sailing until a storm appeared out of nowhere and we later find ourselves struggling to keep our head above the water.

The first response after the storm has cleared is "Why did this happen to me?" Fast forward a few days, and we are clutching at straws to have a closure on the loss. If it's a divorce or a breakup, we end up calling our ex to find out why the relationship ended. If it was the loss of a loved one, we try and speak to friends, family, doctors, etc. to find out how we could have saved that loved one. Sometimes we get the right answers which help us find a closure but some other times we don't.

My question is - how do you find closure within yourself when you cannot receive any answer from others? I understand that closure depends on the situation (relationship, career, personal life, etc.), so if you can explain how you find closure in each situation, that would also be helpful.

I think there can be healing without "closure."

I'd like to think that I have healed from my divorce, but I don't know if it is possible to completely heal from such things. From initial separation to now, I have gone from being repulsed by the thought of dating again, to "I wouldn't mind going on a date," to "kind of sort of wanting to date," to "I kind of wish I had someone." So time certainly helps with healing.

I've also had a hard look at my own choices in why my marriage failed. In some of the scenarios you brought up, we have no choice in the matter, such as the death of a loved one, but in a divorce, it's a bit different. I could hide behind the fact that I was against the divorce and still wanted to work on our issues, but that would only serve to make myself out to look like the "good guy," the more spiritual one. Looking at why I married who I did, the state I was in at the time, my own contributions to the demise of my marriage...these were not fun things to do, but were so important to the healing process for me. I think actually some of my healing took place before the marriage ended - My "natural man" state is that I tend to internalize things too much, turn my anger inward, have an exaggerated sense of responsibility, etc. - I eventually came to realize that all of our marriage problems were not all my fault. I think my becoming a stronger person in this way threatened her need to be in control and when I stopped our passive-aggressive games and dealt with matters in a more direct manner it was like putting nails in the coffin. Some people would just rather us be sick - but that is about their own healing process.

So yes. Turn to God. Allow Him to heal you, direct you. Take any "advice" you are given and check it against the scriptures - many are given bad advice during difficult times, which is a shame given one's vulnerable state.

So "closure?" I don't know if I will have that. My ex wife teaches high school. Every year I go to back to school nights, open houses, concerts, plays, graduations and other functions. I know that she has told some faculty members a skewed version of events. It's awkward, but it's not going to deter me from supporting my kids. Life is messy, so there may be no closure. Coming up, there may very well be marriages, grandkids and other things that will have me dealing with my ex.

These events will always be a little uncomfortable. I will always wish that things would have turned out differently. I will always regret my part in that. I've come to not "own" her part in that.

So is there enough healing to where you can "move on?" Yes. Most definitely! Is there "closure?" Not completely. Life is messy - and that's okay.

 

[kenthomas27]

I haven't mentioned this, but recently I lost my job. Last March our company lost a service contract that involved several buildings - a couple of which were buildings I served. The contract was lost via a new supply chain company whose sole objective was economy. Bottom line is that several people lost their job through no fault in the level of their service. This was the reason I said good bye to Hal some time ago. So you know, I have no idea how Hal's been doing. I wrote a letter but got no reply. Hal was simply one of those guys that had no life without another's interaction. It's sad.

I loved that job though and as a result I briefly entertained this notion that there's nothing that rules the day like the false god Money. I reasoned I probably could've done a good job or a crummy job and the results would be the same - that the effort doesn't mirror the reward; that there's times you don't reap what you sow. I came to the realization that all these thoughts were........true. Therefore, I agree with Catherder that the closure is something of a mirage; in some cases not worth chasing.

It's weird because I am presently reading Job and his arguments with Eliphaz and Bildad. Kind of a same argument going on in my own head all March and April. Now, I don't consider myself faultless in all ways, but I argued that I am faultless in losing my job. All the while my own shoulder sittin' counter-selves (eli and bil) arguing it was. But it was not! So - it wasn't an ACT of God - I mean, I would at least find it hard to believe that God has a place in a supply chain corporate office - it was more ... ..... it was more an allowance. So, the effort did have meaning to me. And the message returns and returns (the word "turn" having such significance for me) And whatever you do, do it heartedly as to the Lord, and not to men. Colossians 3:23. In other words, do all things for the Glory of God, knowing it rains on the just as it does the unjust - i know this because I've been wet in both corners.

So no - the closure is a ghost. I don't consider embarking on a new journey a close to the old because I would not have made it to this fork in the road without the prior travel.

As update, I have another job in the same line. It's been challenging but it's getting there. I am diligently working to find some macabre horror to entertain ya'll with. Stay tuned.

 

[CatHerder]

I will miss Hal. Thanks for the update. And Ken, it's okay to ask for prayer when you go through such things.

 

[AsifinPassing]

There are times in our lives when we deal with a personal loss - a divorce, a breakup, loss of a loved one, loss of a job, etc. Sometimes we know the reasons why it happened, but most often we are at a loss. It is as if everything was smooth-sailing until a storm appeared out of nowhere and we later find ourselves struggling to keep our head above the water.

The first response after the storm has cleared is "Why did this happen to me?" Fast forward a few days, and we are clutching at straws to have a closure on the loss. If it's a divorce or a breakup, we end up calling our ex to find out why the relationship ended. If it was the loss of a loved one, we try and speak to friends, family, doctors, etc. to find out how we could have saved that loved one. Sometimes we get the right answers which help us find a closure but some other times we don't.

My question is - how do you find closure within yourself when you cannot receive any answer from others? I understand that closure depends on the situation (relationship, career, personal life, etc.), so if you can explain how you find closure in each situation, that would also be helpful.

Well, buddy, this will be a long answer if I were to express each situation, but I'll try.

For me, personally, closure is found through three things:

1. God.
2. Time.
3. Other people or pursuits.

There's also a freedom and sort of closure in not needing answers. I want to know, learn, and grow...but I have learned to accept times when I (or the universal 'we') don't know. That's just the truth of it, but the deeper Truth behind that...is that God knows. Everything.

So, we come to my first point. God. He brings healing. He teaches us. He guides us. He brings us into thoughts and feelings and places we could never arrive to on our own, and True to His Word, as always, we can 'cast our cares (anxieties, doubts, etc) on Him because He truly cares for us' more than we even ever realize.

Time. It doesn't heal all wounds, but if we can learn to let things go...then similar to the way wounds heal and scars fade...the stings and weight of our burdens (especially and sometimes only when given to Jesus) seem to do the same. Not living in the past but learning from it, is a large factor in whether or not this point will be effective for someone.

Others and Endeavors. Sometimes issues from a past relationship are only dealt with during a new one. Sometimes, when our dreams come true or fail, we need to find new ones. Nothing is the end all, even death, for the disciple of Christ, so try something else. As best as you can, venture out, keep moving, and learn to let go. We sometimes need those moments of grief, but despair is never necessary. To quote a movie, "Why do we fall? To learn to pick ourselves back up."

That, in a nutshell (or bite-sized version) is the best I have to offer, and I pray God heals you, Roh...as only He and sometimes as only prayer can do. ^_^ May you be blessed by our Lord and Savior, Jesus who is the Christ, brother!

 

[Roh_Chris]

A BIG thank you to each one of you for having posted here. I can understand it must have been difficult to answer my question because you have had to dig up those past memories. Your answers have been helpful for me, but I have one more question (which I have mentioned in my response to Kim's response below).

I often wonder what closure even is. It is acceptance? Is it getting to a point where it doesn't hurt anymore? God originally did not create us for things like pain and loss, so I think that no matter how much closure we have and no matter what it is, our loss will always feel unnatural to us.

This is a very good question. I think closure is not just about acceptance. I think it is also about how I could do better in the future to minimize the risk of another loss. Most of the replies here have answered the "acceptance" part and I agree that God is the best source of help in accepting a certain loss. Apart from that, time, people and distractions (hobbies, dreams, etc.) can also play their part as you and AsifinPassing pointed out.

However, that does not answer the "feedback" part of closure. This may not be always possible, but perhaps there are certain areas where I could have done better. I accept that, doing those things right is no guarantee that the loss would not have happened but, at least I did my best. This is the reason why I am unable to find closure in my losses, no matter how much I have prayed about it. I am always thinking "How could I have done better in that situation?"

Or, am I wrong to think like that? What would you do if you are unable to get any feedback?

 

[AsifinPassing]

A BIG thank you to each one of you for having posted here. I can understand it must have been difficult to answer my question because you have had to dig up those past memories. Your answers have been helpful for me, but I have one more question (which I have mentioned in my response to Kim's response below).


This is a very good question. I think closure is not just about acceptance. I think it is also about how I could do better in the future to minimize the risk of another loss. Most of the replies here have answered the "acceptance" part and I agree that God is the best source of help in accepting a certain loss. Apart from that, time, people and distractions (hobbies, dreams, etc.) can also play their part as you and AsifinPassing pointed out.

However, that does not answer the "feedback" part of closure. This may not be always possible, but perhaps there are certain areas where I could have done better. I accept that, doing those things right is no guarantee that the loss would not have happened but, at least I did my best. This is the reason why I am unable to find closure in my losses, no matter how much I have prayed about it. I am always thinking "How could I have done better in that situation?"

Or, am I wrong to think like that? What would you do if you are unable to get any feedback?

I wouldn't say you're wrong in thinking that, necessarily, but perhaps will find trouble in the approach.

There are many things that are not in our control, Roh. We can do our best. Say, Do, even think...almost all the right things, and still not have something work out or turn out the way we wanted. Even God deals with that, with us, all the time. How often do we turn away, despite all He tirelessly does for us out of perfect love?

So, there may be things to improve, and that's a good lesson to take away, but blaming yourself as though things could have or would have turned out differently will only hurt you in the long run. Jesus told us not to worry about our lives, because really...it's not helpful nor productive in any way, and often harmful. The same can be true for blaming ourselves or living in way that always looks to the past. I think of a few video moments, and against my better judgement, I think I'll post them:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DLpUev1FvS0

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dZfGTL2PY3E

I realize that probably muddied the message more than helped it, but still some valid points and thoughts which came to mind anyway...

 

[Miri]

There are times in our lives when we deal with a personal loss - a divorce, a breakup, loss of a loved one, loss of a job, etc. Sometimes we know the reasons why it happened, but most often we are at a loss. It is as if everything was smooth-sailing until a storm appeared out of nowhere and we later find ourselves struggling to keep our head above the water.

The first response after the storm has cleared is "Why did this happen to me?" Fast forward a few days, and we are clutching at straws to have a closure on the loss. If it's a divorce or a breakup, we end up calling our ex to find out why the relationship ended. If it was the loss of a loved one, we try and speak to friends, family, doctors, etc. to find out how we could have saved that loved one. Sometimes we get the right answers which help us find a closure but some other times we don't.

My question is - how do you find closure within yourself when you cannot receive any answer from others? I understand that closure depends on the situation (relationship, career, personal life, etc.), so if you can explain how you find closure in each situation, that would also be helpful.

Hi, I know exactly what you mean. For me looking back, my biggest help has come from the Lord.

He does not push me to deal with anything too quickly but when I am ready, he puts situations
in front of me to deal with at the right time.

Just to alloborate on that, I was brought up in foster care (long story but I posted my testimony in
the testimony forum) and have had to deal with all the difficulties that presented.

I have a cousin who has been alcoholic all his adult life and has attempted suicide on two occasions
and threatened it on others (he is now safe and doing well).

Have been made redundant twice.

Have had to deal with long term illnesses both in myself and in others close to me.

Currenly work part time while taking care of an elderly aunt who I live with. She has
been in and out of hospitals lots of times over the past couple of years.


I have asked why and wondered as thing have occurred. At times things I have dealt with
have come back to the surface and then I realised I never dealt with them at all, I just
pushed them to one side. As I look back, God has brought me back to those hidden things
in order to deal with them properly when the time has been right for me.

A huge thing happened last year as an example, when I found out my real mum who I haven't
seen since I was a child, had died. That brought lots of thing back which I thought I had dealt
with and also certain complications. But under Gods guidance and his timing I now have peace
in areas which I had just brushed under the carpet.

Many people have already said it, but pray, ask for wisdom and guidance, ask for emotional
healing all in Gods perfect timing.


It also takes mental discipline to think right this has happened I can't change the past, but I can
sort things out in my own mind and then move on and press on into the future and look
forwards to the future. Every new day is a fresh start. Some people get stuck in the past
but it is possible to move on. Let God shape your future not the devil.

By the way it's not weak to seek out medical help or councilling if you feel this would help.
But chose a Christian councillor if you can find one.

God bless
x

 

[seoulsearch]

Roh,

You ask an excellent question about not getting feedback. That's been one of the most painful aspects of my divorce--no closure, no feedback, and, at the time, no reason. He didn't even tell me himself that he had a girlfriend--my friends saw them together and called me in the middle of the night several months AFTER he had left and sent me the papers.

This was the most torturous part to me--that I never got any answers--or any communication, informing me of any of the facts. Like you, I've struggled for years over the why, is he happier now, did he ever even love me, how much better is she than I am, God, why did you give the family we planned to another woman... All those painful, horrible questions that keep a person awake at night.

I truly admire you for wanting the feedback in order to make yourself a better person. There was another post in another thread--I wish I would have copied and saved it--that talked about changing yourself for every person who comes along and gives you feedback about what you can do better... but in the end, how can you be yourself if you've tried to change for other people?

We all have an idea of what we need to work on. I know for me, it's things like my temper and lack of patience. As far as other things that someone might be able to point out but never told you--I would suggest regularly asking God what He wants to work on with you. Not only will He know better what you REALLY need to focus on, He'll also know the right sequence in which to work on things.

For example, someone might tell you that you're an impatient person. So you try to practice being more patient... But maybe God knows the REASON you're impatient is because of anger. And maybe He knows the reason you're angry is because of something that happened to you. So on the surface, another person will tell you that you need to work on patience, but God knows that what you really need is to first work on: 1. facing and healing an old hurt, 2. dealing with your anger, and then, 3. practicing patience.

I know it can be really painful and frustrating, Roh. I totally understand. Like you, I long for feedback and closure (I always think of how terrible it must be for people such as military families who lose a loved one and never even get the remains back... how absolutely devastating...)

Unfortunately, this is one of those areas where we have to trust and ask God to make up for what we may be lacking. I know it's not an easy answer but at least it's a place to start.

Thank you so much for bringing up this topic--awesome, awesome thread and it very much hits home, not just for me, but as you can see, many of us here.

 

[PeterJens]

Closure

Closure appears to be when emotions are tied off, not left hanging, readjusted to the real world, resolution has been found.
The problem is the clearer you are about your emotions, what you value, how you relate, the easier this resolution is, though painful, things can be put in place. The more unknown you are, and the different ways you interacted the more difficult the process is or maybe impossible, because you do not allow yourself to find and resolve the feelings, because they are hidden to yourself.

I went into my wifes family when we were going out, and though the mother had died 5 years previously, the relationships and feelings had not resolved, it was like walking into a house where the person had just left yesterday. It was not a good place to be, or helpful, and the dependencies and emotional support changes had not taken place. It was like things were in a deep freezer. Ofcourse nothing could really move on, because there was no impetus or reality to make it move.

When my father died, I made an effort to organise family holidays together so we could reform relationships and sharing, accepting the loss, but emphasising things were now different, though painful, this was the new reality. It helped a lot.

Unfortunately if you find yourself stuck, you know there is a long journey of change ahead and self learning, which though good is difficult, and it is more about how you deal with life and how you hide a lot of things, than the hurt and pain caused by events.

 

[Olerica]

This is a very good question. I think closure is not just about acceptance. I think it is also about how I could do better in the future to minimize the risk of another loss.

Oh Roh,
Imagine me sitting down next to you and squeezing your hand for a moment before I tell you this:

Honey, people are messy.

I know you know that, but hear me out here. If you never want to get hurt again, go find yourself a comfortable place, far away from everyone, and don't come out of your room, or talk to anyone... ever.

The truth of the matter is that if you are going to be involved with people to any extent, just know that that's the risk, and if there was an actuarial chart, I bet there is a 100% likelihood that if you let people into your sphere, they will hurt you. Even the very best marriages end. Baring the rapture, we all die. But less dramatically, people are selfish, weak, even though they are have good intentions.

And aside from knowing your own weaknesses, which we should all be submitting to God for improvement, we really must just be ourselves. Perhaps there is nothing you can do to make things turn out differently. Even in doing everything authentically and in a Godly fashion, relationships change. (One caveat: Marriage, you must be willing to work through changes and growth and conflicts - and even then, it's a two person proposition.)

i'm sorry if I am not making sense. The two things I've done today are shaping bread and writing this post. God bless you Roh.

 

[Desdichado]

I don't think anyone can find closure within themselves. Closure happens with distance. Hence the old and misguided saying "time heals all wounds."

Time won't, but if you use your time wisely and look to God for guidance, it will. You move on. You find purpose.

 

[secularhermit]

I´m learning to live a day after another. If I needed to know a things I canot comprenhend "now", that time expires tonight, as a daily chapter of life, becasue time will tell all.

 

[secularhermit]

@ Olerica

I would say: We are all somewhat messy, and drifty... And selfish.