I want to want

[NeedAMiracle]

I want to want to love God again, but there's nothing in me that does right now. I want to want to go to church again, but there's too much guilt in me to return. I want to want to read my bible again, but the things I once knew as truth, just seem like empty, meaningless cliches. I want to want to give up again my cigarettes, binge drinking, lazy life-style, and pornography addiction that I've had since age twelve, but these things feel too good to me right now, and help with the severe depression I've been feeling. I want to want to be saved once again, but I feel I've lost it, and I'm too stubborn, pig-headed, selfish, and afraid that things might actually get worse than the Hell I'm living in right now, to trust God with my life again. I feel like the Prodigal Son that knows he should go home, but can't find his way. I'm lost!

 

[oneal1960]

Brother don't ever think your the only person with this problem. But if you really want to want, get on your knees and pray to GOD to lay his hands upon you and take away these addictions, and mean it with all your heart. Because thru GOD all things are possible. Remember the story in the Bible about the prodigal son? Of all the things you feel guilty about, and you truly want to come back to GOD, GOD is like the father of the prodigal son. GOD will have is hands stretched out waiting for you to come home so he can embrace you again. GOD will never stop loving you. I will be praying for you.

GOD BLESS

 

[greatkraw]

I want to want to love God again, but there's nothing in me that does right now. I want to want to go to church again, but there's too much guilt in me to return. I want to want to read my bible again, but the things I once knew as truth, just seem like empty, meaningless cliches. I want to want to give up again my cigarettes, binge drinking, lazy life-style, and pornography addiction that I've had since age twelve, but these things feel too good to me right now, and help with the severe depression I've been feeling. I want to want to be saved once again, but I feel I've lost it, and I'm too stubborn, pig-headed, selfish, and afraid that things might actually get worse than the Hell I'm living in right now, to trust God with my life again. I feel like the Prodigal Son that knows he should go home, but can't find his way. I'm lost!

I was only thinking about this today Wanta.

I used to pray to God, make my Want to Want to.

We started from there, and made gradual progress.

This is where a believer needs to understand a few things

1 You cannot lose your salvation
2 there is no value in guilt tripping yourself(it does not impress God)
3 forgiveness is there for the asking
4 sinning is like falling off a horse - you should get straight back on(see point 3)
5 how we feel does not necessarily indicate where we are at(with God)
6 If we are saved then the power of sin is broken - we do not get the same satisfaction as we did when we were unsaved
7 Start feeding your spirit DAILY with Bible and Bible teaching
8 Understand that God wants the relationship and HE WNATS YOU to lean on him - not do it on your own
9 Love is a verb not a noun - that means that loving God is not about feeling a certain way, it IS about choosing to obey Him regardless of what or how you feel
10 the most important steps are 3 & 7

I pray that these things no longer give you any satisfaction

 

[wwjd_kilden]

I too struggle with wanting to want to be with God.
Reading the bible and spending time with other Christians will probably be very hard at first, but it could help you thirst for more.

this was in a different context, but Kirk Cameron wrote something on that once. He said that if you are in the desert with a horse, and it has been a very long time without water, it will sometimes refuse to drink when finally offered. So then what do you do? - You put salt in the oats. That makes it feel thirst again...

now to you that might mean you need some "salt" to be able to start thirsting for the word of God again.
Prayer
Fellowship
The Bible

and also that you remember:


8 The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.
9 He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;
10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.
11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
12 as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

 

[NeedAMiracle]

Thanks for all the great advice so far. I have to admit, I am harboring a lot of bad feelings, animosity, anger, confusion, and frustration toward God right now. I feel as I have given up, and am at a standstill right now, waiting for Him to show himself. I know, in my head, that sincerely asking Him to accept me back is the only way that I'll ever feel joy again (The sad part is that I was there before, and I can remember what joy felt like). I think that there's still a part of my heart that wants to live for Him again (I don't think I'd be searching here if there wasn't), but it just seems that that "fire" is too dim right now, and I don't have (or desire strong enough) anything to fan the flame. I want to want to, but that's not enough. I don't think I even know where to begin.

 

[livingbygrace]

Thanks for all the great advice so far. I have to admit, I am harboring a lot of bad feelings, animosity, anger, confusion, and frustration toward God right now. I feel as I have given up, and am at a standstill right now, waiting for Him to show himself. I know, in my head, that sincerely asking Him to accept me back is the only way that I'll ever feel joy again (The sad part is that I was there before, and I can remember what joy felt like). I think that there's still a part of my heart that wants to live for Him again (I don't think I'd be searching here if there wasn't), but it just seems that that "fire" is too dim right now, and I don't have (or desire strong enough) anything to fan the flame. I want to want to, but that's not enough. I don't think I even know where to begin.

I went away from God. After a disasterous relationship I too wanted to come back to God, but felt as you do now. All I can suggest is you ask God to give you a heart that truly wants to be with Him above the distractions.
From personal experiance I found that my life just kept getting worse until finally I returned to God. I wasted thirty years of my life going against God. I am 51 now, I can never have those years back, sometimes I weep bitterly at so much waste, which is what it was, terrible waste. I pray the same will not happen to you

God Bless You

 

[NeedAMiracle]

I went away from God. After a disasterous relationship I too wanted to come back to God, but felt as you do now. All I can suggest is you ask God to give you a heart that truly wants to be with Him above the distractions.
From personal experiance I found that my life just kept getting worse until finally I returned to God. I wasted thirty years of my life going against God. I am 51 now, I can never have those years back, sometimes I weep bitterly at so much waste, which is what it was, terrible waste. I pray the same will not happen to you

God Bless You

Thanks. I ask for this all the time! I feel that my request for this has been neglected, denied, and fallen on deaf ears, and the more I feel rejected, the more easier, and comfortable I feel living in sin. I almost feel like it's some sort of immature game I play sometimes. Like I've been been sinning willfully, and testing God, saying "Look at me! Look what I'm doing!. What are you going to do about it?!" hoping God will smite me with one holy blow, because I feel this is the only way right now to get my attention. But yet, God in His eternal "wisdom" (or humor, or wrath, or whatever "mysterious" way he's working in), has taken away just about everything from me in the last 2 years. I lost my job (I was fired unlawfully, and I DO have a discrimination law suit against them). I had Gastric Bypass Surgery back in May '08, and haven't been able to get blood work done because I cant find full-time work, and dont have medical insurance. I now have a restricted license because I had an insurance lapse of over 90 days simply because of the fact that I didn't have the money to pay for it. I suffered nerve-damage to my coccyx, and broke 3 ribs in a bicycle accident I had because I was forced to ride a bicycle to and from work. (I lost that job BTW. It was with a temp. agency). Now, because I have no job, and no car to even go looking for a job, Im being evicted from my appartment in 8 days, and have to go stay with my Mom, at 41, until I get my license back (1-24), and pursue a career as a truck-driver again. I said to myself 10 years ago whrn I gave up driving, and surrendered my CDL, I'd NEVER drive again. Then, to top it all off, and the thing that's breaking my heart the most, is the fact that I'm going to have to give my 12 year old dog, that I've had since she was 8 weeks old, up, and find a home for her!!! She's been my "little girl" for 12 years, and it's just been her, and I. I'm torn to pieces! These are just the "highlights" too. I could write a book of all the misfortune I've suffered in the last tw years (maybe I will actually write a book one day. Writing has always seemed to one of my "gifts").
So, my mind is filled with a LOT of resentment right now. A lot of hostility. A lot of confusion. I can't help but to keep asking "WHY?!" Why did all of this need to happen? When will it finally end? Every time I kiddingly say "Well, things can't get any worse", something else seems to happen. I REALLY want to be able to just fall on my knees, and ask God to take control, but I just cant right now. I'm too hurt, angry, confused, and stubborn to bring myself to that point.
Again I want to want to. I just don't think I can.

 

[livingbygrace]

Thanks. I ask for this all the time! I feel that my request for this has been neglected, denied, and fallen on deaf ears, and the more I feel rejected, the more easier, and comfortable I feel living in sin. I almost feel like it's some sort of immature game I play sometimes. Like I've been been sinning willfully, and testing God, saying "Look at me! Look what I'm doing!. What are you going to do about it?!" hoping God will smite me with one holy blow, because I feel this is the only way right now to get my attention. But yet, God in His eternal "wisdom" (or humor, or wrath, or whatever "mysterious" way he's working in), has taken away just about everything from me in the last 2 years. I lost my job (I was fired unlawfully, and I DO have a discrimination law suit against them). I had Gastric Bypass Surgery back in May '08, and haven't been able to get blood work done because I cant find full-time work, and dont have medical insurance. I now have a restricted license because I had an insurance lapse of over 90 days simply because of the fact that I didn't have the money to pay for it. I suffered nerve-damage to my coccyx, and broke 3 ribs in a bicycle accident I had because I was forced to ride a bicycle to and from work. (I lost that job BTW. It was with a temp. agency). Now, because I have no job, and no car to even go looking for a job, Im being evicted from my appartment in 8 days, and have to go stay with my Mom, at 41, until I get my license back (1-24), and pursue a career as a truck-driver again. I said to myself 10 years ago whrn I gave up driving, and surrendered my CDL, I'd NEVER drive again. Then, to top it all off, and the thing that's breaking my heart the most, is the fact that I'm going to have to give my 12 year old dog, that I've had since she was 8 weeks old, up, and find a home for her!!! She's been my "little girl" for 12 years, and it's just been her, and I. I'm torn to pieces! These are just the "highlights" too. I could write a book of all the misfortune I've suffered in the last tw years (maybe I will actually write a book one day. Writing has always seemed to one of my "gifts").
So, my mind is filled with a LOT of resentment right now. A lot of hostility. A lot of confusion. I can't help but to keep asking "WHY?!" Why did all of this need to happen? When will it finally end? Every time I kiddingly say "Well, things can't get any worse", something else seems to happen. I REALLY want to be able to just fall on my knees, and ask God to take control, but I just cant right now. I'm too hurt, angry, confused, and stubborn to bring myself to that point.
Again I want to want to. I just don't think I can.

We can never know exactly how someone feels, but I certainly can empathise with what you say
When I was twenty I was in prison and gave my life to God, he dramatically changed me and I was prayed with and told God had something specific for me to do. After all he had done for me I turned away. I got into a wrong relationship, one that I knew was wrong. Once it ended after seven years I figured I could just pretty quickly get back with God to where I had previously been, but of course this didn't happen. I wanted it to, but too much of the world had entered me.
I went further and further downhill, there was no hasppiness in my life at all.
Why didn't it all change straight away? I am no theology expert, but I wonder if God had to bring me tyo the point where I would finally give him what he wanted. Until you get right with Him, unfortunately things will never get better, they did not for me.But I do know he loves you, and will never stop loving you, though at the moment I know it may be hard to see. Oh that we didn't play games with God, but we so often do.
I am truly sorry for all that has happened to you, but I am sure God is preparing you to truly be with him. After knowing him once, I know your only happiness can be found with Him again. I am positive it will happen. I had a hard time believing God could ever forgive me for my rebellion against Him, but He did. I cannot nor will I ever comprehend the greatnerss of his love and forgiveness. I will pray for you that the time masy be soon when you may be able to come to Him and be aty peace.
God Bless

 

[greatkraw]

God sometimes chooses to take extreme measures to get our attention,

Also, worth rereading the book of Job.

Believers like to think they can sin really badly and God will dovorce them.

Doesnt work. God will NEVER deny the relationship so you gotta understand that you are continuing to offend someone who died for you.

 

[NeedAMiracle]

Thanks for this reply. It meant a lot. I could tell you were honest, sincere, and were speaking from your heart, and not just feeding me a few cliche Bible verses, trying to impress me, which would have meant very little to me right now. Thanks for taking the time to actually "read" the post. Seems like you can relate to where I'm coming from. I appreciate it.

 

[NeedAMiracle]

Greatkraw, My intention was, and is, not for God to "divorce" me, but yet the contrary. Like the "class-clown" that acts up in class because he's in need of attention, I think I sin so God might notice me. Whether, it's His grace, or wrath, at least I'd be assured that He's there, and acting like a Father.

 

[NeedAMiracle]

We can never know exactly how someone feels, but I certainly can empathise with what you say
When I was twenty I was in prison and gave my life to God, he dramatically changed me and I was prayed with and told God had something specific for me to do. After all he had done for me I turned away. I got into a wrong relationship, one that I knew was wrong. Once it ended after seven years I figured I could just pretty quickly get back with God to where I had previously been, but of course this didn't happen. I wanted it to, but too much of the world had entered me.
I went further and further downhill, there was no hasppiness in my life at all.
Why didn't it all change straight away? I am no theology expert, but I wonder if God had to bring me tyo the point where I would finally give him what he wanted. Until you get right with Him, unfortunately things will never get better, they did not for me.But I do know he loves you, and will never stop loving you, though at the moment I know it may be hard to see. Oh that we didn't play games with God, but we so often do.
I am truly sorry for all that has happened to you, but I am sure God is preparing you to truly be with him. After knowing him once, I know your only happiness can be found with Him again. I am positive it will happen. I had a hard time believing God could ever forgive me for my rebellion against Him, but He did. I cannot nor will I ever comprehend the greatnerss of his love and forgiveness. I will pray for you that the time masy be soon when you may be able to come to Him and be aty peace.
God Bless

Thanks for this reply. It meant a lot. I could tell you were honest, sincere, and were speaking from your heart, and not just feeding me a few cliche Bible verses, trying to impress me, which would have meant very little to me right now. Thanks for taking the time to actually "read" the post. Seems like you can relate to where I'm coming from. I appreciate it.

 

[Ellie]

Hi. I realte. A lot. And I have a lot to say. Not wordy "Christian" things but heartfelt "I've been learning about this too" things. But right now I'm so tired, and my head's so full I'm too overwhelmed to know where to start. So I'm hoping that by saying so, maybe this snippet will remind me (and hold me accountable ) to coming back later and saying it.. I guess I have a little phobia based on various pet peves about saying the wrong thing - rattling off unhelpful ramblings - and of sharing about myself with my guard down in a way that makes me vulnerable to scrutiny and advice I didn't ask for - and some insecure part of me that I guess I need to analyse and conquer later isn't willing to risk screwing up yet another place so that I feel I have to abandon it. See u again when I can get here (crazy few weeks coming),I will just say thanks to everyone who posted on this thread, always encouraging to hear about what's real and normal. Hope to add to the encouragement, See you soon...

 

[livingbygrace]

Thanks for this reply. It meant a lot. I could tell you were honest, sincere, and were speaking from your heart, and not just feeding me a few cliche Bible verses, trying to impress me, which would have meant very little to me right now. Thanks for taking the time to actually "read" the post. Seems like you can relate to where I'm coming from. I appreciate it.

I am glad that you feel there is someone who can relate to how you feel now. I am positive there are many in the position you are now, and I have been in. I am sincerely not saying this to be in any way bigheaded, but when I came out of prison a well, known minister prayed with me, and said God had got an important work for me to do. He had delivered me from so much, I turned to him when I was in a padded cell.
And yet after all this I still turned away, and sunk so low. But deep in my heart I never believed I would go to hell if I died, and looking back I know that despite the horrendous way I treated God, he really did never stop loving me, and he never will stop loving you either. When I came back to him, for a long time I kept feeling He couldn't really forgive me because of how I had treated Him, but I know he has now.
Also I just felt I could start again with God where I had left off before, but I couldn't. It has been a process, and it will be for you too.
I guess whatever the allures of life that led me away from Him, I know that the only thing that could ever make me truly happy was God. I don't know what else meaningful I can say really, but you are as precious to God today as you have ever been, but it is not easy to see that when we have turned away. It really is Amazing Love, And Amazing Grace

 

[NeedAMiracle]

Hi. I realte. A lot. And I have a lot to say. Not wordy "Christian" things but heartfelt "I've been learning about this too" things. But right now I'm so tired, and my head's so full I'm too overwhelmed to know where to start. So I'm hoping that by saying so, maybe this snippet will remind me (and hold me accountable ) to coming back later and saying it.. I guess I have a little phobia based on various pet peves about saying the wrong thing - rattling off unhelpful ramblings - and of sharing about myself with my guard down in a way that makes me vulnerable to scrutiny and advice I didn't ask for - and some insecure part of me that I guess I need to analyse and conquer later isn't willing to risk screwing up yet another place so that I feel I have to abandon it. See u again when I can get here (crazy few weeks coming),I will just say thanks to everyone who posted on this thread, always encouraging to hear about what's real and normal. Hope to add to the encouragement, See you soon...

Thanks for replying Ellie. I can't wait to hear your story, and hopefully a strong testimony for the both of us in the future. It's good to know I'm not the only struggling, and feeling so alone right now.

 

[sunshine_debbie]

I was only thinking about this today Wanta.

I used to pray to God, make my Want to Want to.

This is a depressive at their worst. If you knew how many times I felt this way. Great statement!

We started from there, and made gradual progress.

This is where a believer needs to understand a few things

1 You cannot lose your salvation
2 there is no value in guilt tripping yourself(it does not impress God) (But ohh how good it feels)
3 forgiveness is there for the asking
4 sinning is like falling off a horse - you should get straight back on(see point 3)
5 how we feel does not necessarily indicate where we are at(with God) There is a reason why they tell you not to make any major decisions when you are depressed, manic, despondant, or in spiritual disarray
6 If we are saved then the power of sin is broken - we do not get the same satisfaction as we did when we were unsaved
7 Start feeding your spirit DAILY with Bible and Bible teaching
8 Understand that God wants the relationship and HE WNATS YOU to lean on him - not do it on your own
9 Love is a verb not a noun - that means that loving God is not about feeling a certain way, it IS about choosing to obey Him regardless of what or how you feel
10 the most important steps are 3 & 7

I pray that these things no longer give you any satisfaction

This was a great post, I know I am mostly off topic and I apologize for that but it really spoke to me. While my depression is getting better, thanks to God Almighty, it has been people like you who have literally saved the day for me sometimes. Thanks.

Debbie

 

[NeedAMiracle]

This was a great post, I know I am mostly off topic and I apologize for that but it really spoke to me. While my depression is getting better, thanks to God Almighty, it has been people like you who have literally saved the day for me sometimes. Thanks.

Debbie

I've only been here a couple of days, and I feel very encouraged by this board too.