Looking For a Traditional Man...

seoulsearch · Jun 19, 2015

This is exactly why I write threads in the first place--because I'm looking for examples and experience.

I always give this analogy--I love crafty-type hobbies, but if you set written instructions in front of me (even with pictures), it's pretty meaningless to me. I need to be able to see someone demonstrate the procedures in front of me to really "get" how to do it. This is why YouTube has become my personal savior when it comes to learning how to try a new technique.

The Christian life is the same thing to me. God bless people who know every Bible verse and principle. But to me, rote memorization and too-often repeated Christian cliches given by themselves are virtually meaningless to me as well. Unless you can give me an example of how you're living it in your own life or seeing someone else live it in a way that I can relate to, I personally don't get much out of it. I've just always been that way.

My spiritual life is just like my regular everyday life. I need to see the techniques demonstrated in order to have an idea of how to live them out myself. Therefore, when others here post about what they're watching others go through or are going through themselves, it's like my spiritual "YouTube" of how to live the Christian life.

We singles love and appreciate our married friends here who take the time to "tell us how it really is" WITHOUT talking down to us or insisting we all need to get married (and then want to tell us what to do to find someone to marry.)

Praise God for all of you out there who are willing and able to SHOW us what Christian marriages are actually like in daily living instead of just talking about it.

kaylagrl · Jun 19, 2015

Tintin said:

Thank you Tin Tin.I was in my late 30s when I met my now husband,42 when we married.I had given up hope pretty much,of finding anyone.I saw other couples sitting in church together and I just convinced myself I didnt need that in my life.It was a pretty high wall my husband had to overcome to get me to finally say yes to marriage. Yes I know its usually the other way round.lol But he was so loving,caring,gentle and patient that I finally said yes after 5yrs of dating.Yep Im a tough nut to crack.lol That doesnt me we're perfect,or we never disagree or get upset at times. But I really feel blessed to have him in my life.I dont know where Id be if he hadnt come along and showed me what real Godly love is like. Im truly blessed.Wait for that person no matter how long.If I had known this man would come into my life Id have worried less and not shed so many tears.In the end all things work together for good.

skylove7 · Jun 19, 2015

In agreement with TinTin. That was a beautiful story Kayla. Thank you for sharing with us.

kaylagrl · Jun 19, 2015

seoulsearch said:

I was single for such a long time that I can relate. My husband and I talked about that issue.You get to an age where people actually say to your face "You're not married yet? Whats wrong with you?" Or the "I have this friend..." I had a Christian friend say "how do you feel about fat people? I know this guy thats really nice but really overweight." !! What do you say to that? Then Id hear my family saying "Oh she's not interested in dating or marriage". Poor thing. Then I just love the ones who'd say "You'll find someone,God has someone for you"! I'd say "what if he doesn't,maybe Im not suppose to be married". "Oh yes he does!, God has someone for everyone you just need to try/pray harder". Or the awkward "he's single,you're single, well we have a match!"

I actually met my husband online. We both say now we were crazy to do it that way.lol But I didnt want anyone telling me what I wanted,or who I wanted,pushing friends at me. We talked one night until 3am. After that we met and have been together since.I tell him now it was worth a numb butt that night because we got to know a lot about each other before we met. I hate to say it but I think sometimes other Christians are the biggest discouragement to singles. They forget what its like to be single and have to hang around married people all the time or be alone. Finding the right person is a journey of self discovery.I leaned so much about myself! Things I needed to change.My husband joked with me that I tend to be passive aggressive. I asked why he said that.When he told me I said "Oh my gosh,I am!!" He laughed and said "maybe just a little and not to worry about it.Now its a running joke and its something I try to work on. People always warn you "marriage is work!!" Marriage is only work if you are immature and not ready to be married.If you are mature you know how to communicate,you've learned how to meet others needs and not just your own,you know how to share. Id say a high percentage of marriages fail because of people marrying too quickly and being too immature.If you think marriage is for you begin reading relationship books,talk to people who have good marriages,learn to be happy in life. When you arent looking is usually when the right person shows up.

jeremyPJ · Jun 19, 2015

PoetMary said:

I get my "presumptions from 50 years of dealing with many feministic women (girls?) and their friends. I know this is a subject that men aren't allowed to know anything about, have learned that through life. Thank you for showing me that women's attitudes have not changed. Sometimes I'm too optimistic. It's always okay for women to speak for all men, so why not?

pwrnJC · Jun 19, 2015

Honestly, I think that the 'church" denomination you attend regularly has the biggest influence on how you think and act and grow spiritually. Single or NOT. If you attend a church that is on fire, allowing the Holy Spirit to be allowed into the worship service, where awesome praise songs, solid biblical sermons, a mission, a goal, with congregation in one accord...you are much more set to find others that seek a higher level of spirituality..and isn't that what you want in a mate? IT's all spiritual anyway...if our spirit is strong and we're walking in CHRIST...the future mate you seek needs to be on that level also.

GaryA · Jun 20, 2015

seoulsearch said:

Everything is "always easier said than done"... Does that mean that we should "give up" when it is not easy?

Kim, honey -- what you are talking about - valid as it is - "is not in the same ballpark" as what I was trying to say in post #43. ( At least, that is the way I see it. ) I was speaking, in general terms, about husbands and wives allowing money issues ( the absolute majority of which are 'common' ) to come between them and cause them to give up on their relationship. You seem to be highly focused on "the exceptions rather than the rule" ( not the 'common' ).

( Of course, I realize that - in a way - 'common' these days seems to include a lot more of the 'exceptions'...

)

I realize that 'reality' complicates everything. ( In fact, it plays a great part in why so many of us are still single...

)

However, it does not change the principles that we are to live by...

Do most people take their marriage vow(s) seriously?

Or, do most people simply 'sport' a marriage-of-convenience?

seoulsearch said:

If you and your husband find yourself in great debt -- do you "give up" the relationship over it? Or, do you stay together and trust in God to get you through it?

seoulsearch said:

If you and your husband discover that the two of you will have to live in a tent out in the woods somewhere for the next two years -- do you "give up" the relationship over it? Or, do you stay together and trust in God to get you through it?

seoulsearch said:

Expected to or not -- do you divorce him if he is unable to provide "all of that"...? ( After making a vow of "richer or poorer"... )

What is more important -- a person's realationship with [ God and ] 'spouse' - or 'money'...?

Money comes and goes...

God will even allow you to become 'poor' - to humble you - to teach you to trust Him and to rely on Him.

God blesses real [ trusting ] faith.

Our nation ( U.S.A. ) has become a "throw-away" society -- have we also learned to "throw away" our spouse when times get tough?

GaryA · Jun 20, 2015

OOPS!

GaryA said:

..........

seoulsearch · Jun 20, 2015

GaryA said:

Well Gary,

You don't have to worry so much about continuing to talk down to me and repeating principles I'm already very well aware of. I come from a family that, in today's world, is very much the "exception" that you say I'm so highly focused on. And you don't have to keep asking me about whether or not God is more important than other things.

The marriages in my family are all first marriages, with a duration of anywhere from 10 to 64 years.

Yes, we live in a throwaway society where money is more important than a spouse and people leave when times get tough.

Have you not read any of my posts? You'll be happy to know that all the marriages in my own family have endured. I'm the only one in my family whose spouse "threw them away". But thanks for your reminders.

Tintin · Jun 20, 2015

seoulsearch said:

Well Gary,

You don't have to worry so much about continuing to talk down to me and repeating principles I'm already very well aware of. I come from a family that, in today's world, is very much the "exception" that you say I'm so highly focused on. And you don't have to keep asking me about whether or not God is more important than other things.

The marriages in my family are all first marriages, with a duration of anywhere from 10 to 64 years.

Yes, we live in a throwaway society where money is more important than a spouse and people leave when times get tough.

Have you not read any of my posts? You'll be happy to know that all the marriages in my own family have endured. I'm the only one in my family whose spouse "threw them away". But thanks for your reminders.

I'm so sorry Kim.

seoulsearch · Jun 20, 2015

*Hugs Tintin.*

I am very grateful for my friends and family.

You know, it's kind of funny, I've had some people tell me I repeat myself all the time in my posts and I know that, and this is exactly the reason why.

I understand that my posts are often really long and probably usually skip-worthy but there are a few facts about my life I would think everyone here would know by now!

Mitspa · Jun 20, 2015

jeremyPJ said:

LOL....now sadly that describes the situation our society is in today and glad you had the courage to say it.

proverbs35 · Jun 20, 2015

seoulsearch said:

I'm sorry that happened to you too. I can relate on a very personal level. The important thing to remember (and I know you already know this) is that God, your family and the Christian community has not thrown you away. You are valuable, and if your ex didn't recognize that, it's really his loss.

You are a kind and intelligent woman, and I certainly intend to KEEP reading and enjoying your posts.

GaryA · Jun 20, 2015

seoulsearch said:

Kim, I have never "talked down" to you ( with intent ). I have nothing against you.

( Surely, this is a matter of your perception...??? )

I sometimes have a tell-it-like-it-is approach to discussion in my posts; however, it is never my intent to personally insult or belittle anyone.

GaryA · Jun 20, 2015

seoulsearch said:

The marriages in my family are all first marriages, with a duration of anywhere from 10 to 64 years. { That is wonderful! ( And, also very rare these days... ) }

Yes, we live in a throwaway society where money is more important than a spouse and people leave when times get tough. { I am very much against this. I am only saying that "this ought not be"... }

Have you not read any of my posts? { I have read many of your posts. } You'll be happy to know that all the marriages in my own family have endured. { That is great! } I'm the only one in my family whose spouse "threw them away". { I'm so sorry, honey. } But thanks for your reminders.

I did not mean to "hit too close to home"...

phil36 · Jun 20, 2015

A good traditional christian (male) should atleast aspire to have these looks..

PoetMary · Jun 20, 2015

jeremyPJ said:

Remember, the women you address on these boards are your sisters in Christ.

It's no more acceptable for a woman to speak for all men than for a man to speak for all women.

There are in the neighborhood of 4 billion women on the planet. I highly doubt that in your fifty years you've dated enough and talked to enough to make your understanding somehow statistically valid for all 4 million. In other words, your experience is limited. While it is YOUR experience, it's not useful to extrapolate that experience and apply it to all women.

It's particularly not useful (nor kind) to apply these ideas to the Christian women on these boards who love God and are seeking to be like Jesus.

PoetMary · Jun 20, 2015

Mitspa said:

Actually, it's a topic that men speak about ad nauseum. Just look at these message boards. A thread designed to talk about a man's role in marriage gets little/no response from men.

A thread designed to tell women how they ought to behave in a marriage gets a gazillion hits from men.

Threads designed to discuss inappropriate sexual behaviors of men.....where are they exactly????

Threads about "modesty" and how a woman should dress...they're all over the place here...with lots of men lining up to chime in and tell women how to dress.

I find it fascinating that men in a free society claim that they "aren't allowed to know anything about" these topics when they talk about them all the time. It seems more accurate to point out that when men talk about these topics women don't just roll over and take their word for gospel...that these men may actually encounter some contradictory opinions. For some men, that's very difficult to take.

Oh, and, by the way, claiming that men "aren't allowed to know" and that "women's attitudes haven't changed" are just two ways of basically saying, "Shut up and take my word for it."

Lynx · Jun 20, 2015

*Lynx adjusts his glasses...

"Kim honey?"

Sorry, that just threw me off guard. I live in the south where some people call everyone "baby" or "honey" but it still caught me by surprise.

Don't mind me, go back to.... whatever this thread has turned into.

seoulsearch · Jun 20, 2015

Lynx said:

Yeah, that caught me off guard too because it was coming from someone older who doesn't know me at all.

It's kind of like how you'd talk to a kindergartner... "There, there, little one..."

But, to each their own. *shrugs*

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