Just for Laughs

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Humiliatus

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Just for laughs, the lighter side of life... As they say " laughter is the best medicine " please share any antidotes, jokes or humorous tale... put a smile on someone's face, give a chuckle to a fellow Christian to help lighten their day, most of all enjoy the sharing of laughter.


Ecclesiastes 3:4- A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

Proverbs 17:22- A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.
 
Just to get this thread started....
 The light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right thing and stopped at the crosswalk even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The woman behind him was furious and honked her horn several times screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.
As she was in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit the car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was search, fingerprinted, photographed and placed in a holding cell.
After a few hours, a police officer approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking area where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said “I am very sorry for the mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, giving the guy in front of you the finger and cursing at him. I noticed the “What would Jesus do” and “Follow me to Sunday School” bumper stickers, the “Choose Life” license plate holder and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on your trunk… so naturally I assumed you stole the car”.



Romans 12:2- And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.














 
it was so hot Today the fruit on the back of my underwear shriveled up
 
An old man reached his 100th birthday and was interviewed on television. The interviewer asked him what was his secret
of long life. The old fellow said that when he was young he was in the Navy and one day on shore leave he came across
a herbalist store. The Herbalist asked him if he wanted to know how to live a long life and he said yes I do. The herbalist
told him to take a spoonful of Gunpowder with his Tea and he would live a long life. So he bought some and had been taking
Gunpowder with his Tea ever since. Sometime later he died leaving behind many Children,Grandchildren and great Grandchildren. He also left a 58 foot crater where the Cremetorium used to be.
 
tanach said:
An old man reached his 100th birthday and was interviewed on television. The interviewer asked him what was his secret
of long life. The old fellow said that when he was young he was in the Navy and one day on shore leave he came across
a herbalist store. The Herbalist asked him if he wanted to know how to live a long life and he said yes I do. The herbalist
told him to take a spoonful of Gunpowder with his Tea and he would live a long life. So he bought some and had been taking
Gunpowder with his Tea ever since. Sometime later he died leaving behind many Children,Grandchildren and great Grandchildren. He also left a 58 foot crater where the Cremetorium used to be.
Click to expand...



Talk about going out with a "bang".... Thanks for the share :cool:
 

Ok class, last Sunday we learned that God is where? Every little hand in the room raises. Chris, where do you think God is? God is everywhere, he responds. That is correct… The students lower their hands except on little girl towards the back of the room. And where do you think God is, she asks? With all heads turned towards little girl now she almost whispers…” He’s in my bathroom”… What? The teacher asks, He’s in your bathroom? And why would you think that? Because every morning my Dad pounds on the door and ask “God are you still in there”!
Proverbs 22:6 -Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.

 
Thanks for the good laughs!

A Jewish girl brought her new fiancé home for dinner to meet her parents. After dinner the father brought the young man into his study to get to know him better over a few drinks.
Father: What do you do for a living?
Young man: I am a student at the Yeshiva. I study the Torah.
Father: How will you support yourself and my daughter?
Young man: I will study very hard and God will provide.
Father: When children come how will you support them?
Young man: Then I will study very, very hard and God will provide.
Father: What happens if there is sickness?
Young man: Then I will study very, very, very hard and God will provide.
Later after the young couple left, the mother asked about the conversation. The father said "He has no job, no money and no prospects but I kind of like him. He does deeply love our daughter but there is one thing that troubles me.”
“What's that dear?” she asked.
…
…
…
…
…
…
...
“He thinks that I am God."
 
Humiliatus said:
Just to get this thread started....
The light turned yellow just in front of him.He did the right thing and stopped at the crosswalk even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The woman behind him was furious and honked her horn several times screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.
As she was in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit the car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was search, fingerprinted, photographed and placed in a holding cell.
After a few hours, a police officer approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking area where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said “I am very sorry for the mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, giving the guy in front of you the finger and cursing at him. I noticed the “What would Jesus do” and “Follow me to Sunday School” bumper stickers, the “Choose Life” license plate holder and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on your trunk… so naturally I assumed you stole the car”.



Romans 12:2- And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.












Click to expand...

That's the po-po for ya.. there to protect and serve.. and assume.. :rolleyes: lol..
 
A man walks into a Surgery and says Doctor I keep thinking Im a Moth. The Doctor says You dont need me you need a Psychiatrist. The man replies I know but your light was on.

A man was walking along and sees a dog sitting near this old gentleman, he says to him Does your dog bite?. No he replied
so the man goes to stroke the Dog and it bites him. I thought you said he didnt bite the man said accusingly. The old gentleman replied That is not my Dog.
 
A man decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. For his first chapter he decided to write about American churches. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would work his way across the country. On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call". The man, being intrigued, asked a minister who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The minister replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The man thanked the minister and went along his way. He then traveled to Atlanta, Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston, and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it. In North Dakota he saw a sign for Canada and decided to see if Canadians had the same phone. He arrived in Regina Saskatchewan and again, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "10 cents per call." The man was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in every state the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?" The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Canada now son, it's a local call".
 
What is the difference between Catholics and Baptists?

Catholics will actually acknowledge each other at the liquor store.
 
Why Men Shouldn't Write Advice Columns

Dear John.

I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back to get my husband's help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with the neighbor!

I am 32, my husband is 34. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted they had been having an affair for the past six months. He won't go to counseling, and I'm afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can you please help?

Sincerely, Shiela

Dear Shiela

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps, John
 
Does the statement, "We've always done it that way" ring any bells...? The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads. Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing. Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever. So the next time you are handed a spec and told we have always done it that way and wonder what horse's ass came up with that, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.

Now the twist to the story... When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.

The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a Horse's ass. And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important.
 
JackRT said:
And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important.
Click to expand...
"However, I rather think that it should not be the primary intended transport to the realization of importance to be aspired to today..." ;)

In other words -- people shouldn't try to become important by "being a horse's ass"...

:)
 
When I first saw the title of this thread I thought you were going to be talking about the TV show 'Just for laughs.' It's such a good show!
 
It all makes sense now.

Gay marriage and marijuana being legalized...

Leviticus 20:13 -
"if a man lays with another man he should be stoned."

We've just been interpreting it wrong all these years...

 
Humiliatus said:
It all makes sense now.

Gay marriage and marijuana being legalized...

Leviticus 20:13 -
"if a man lays with another man he should be stoned."

We've just been interpreting it wrong all these years...
Click to expand...

not cool. good thread up till here. not funny at all.
 
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