Expectations

[cmarieh]

Hey all,

A friend and I were talking today for about two hours, (I know a long time), Lol. Regarding, expectations. I personally don't expect a lot out of people, but I do on myself. She has set high expectations on herself and on other people she is around. My question is How do you lower on what you expect of other people? I think this is a very common issue among people who are single. What are your thoughts?

 

[JesusLives]

I would just say remember where you are.... Planet Earth and on this one we are not perfect so don't expect to find it (perfection) in anyone... Nothing wrong with having high standards......just don't set them so high that no one can meet them....

As long as we put God first and allow Him to control our lives things should fall into place because He has a plan for each one of us.....

 

[cmarieh]

I would just say remember where you are.... Planet Earth and on this one we are not perfect so don't expect to find it (perfection) in anyone... Nothing wrong with having high standards......just don't set them so high that no one can meet them....

As long as we put God first and allow Him to control our lives things should fall into place because He has a plan for each one of us.....

I agree, but what kind of expectations are too high of what we should expect from others?

 

[ServantStrike]

I agree, but what kind of expectations are too high of what we should expect from others?

Are you dating them or just friends with them?


-You'd better be capable of getting their full attention simply because you are yourself.
-You should expect them to respect your boundaries, and have boundaries of their own.
-You should expect them to be a complete individual on their own merits, and to strive for improvement in their lives
-You should expect them to want to be a spiritual leader


I mean, that's if you're dating a Christian. A non Christian is just a boat anchor.

None of those qualities will shine through immediately. The boundaries should be apparent early on though, as should the other person's faith.

And before the angry mysognists jump on me for this one. None of this is that much more difficult than being single, and if you're dating a woman that doesn't have your full attention, then you're not dating the right one.

 

[cinder]

My rule of thumb for fairness in expectations: Don't ask or expect anyone else to meet a standard that you yourself aren't living up to. And even then I expect more from myself than most other people.

But general expectations:

Honesty- don't feed me any white lies to spare my feelings because I'll be all the more frustrated and angry when I realize that you've been wasting my time by giving me a false impression that just might happen to be more pleasant than reality.

Reliability- do what you say you're going to do, that's just honesty

Start with respect- treat people civilly at least until they prove themselves incapable of participating in a civil, intelligent discussion

Have common sense and use it.


It never fails to surprise me how many people fail even on these few points.

 

[Consumed]

I don't have expectations for people anymore...hence the reason I'm single.

 

[cmarieh]

Are you dating them or just friends with them?


-You'd better be capable of getting their full attention simply because you are yourself.
-You should expect them to respect your boundaries, and have boundaries of their own.
-You should expect them to be a complete individual on their own merits, and to strive for improvement in their lives
-You should expect them to want to be a spiritual leader


I mean, that's if you're dating a Christian. A non Christian is just a boat anchor.

None of those qualities will shine through immediately. The boundaries should be apparent early on though, as should the other person's faith.

And before the angry mysognists jump on me for this one. None of this is that much more difficult than being single, and if you're dating a woman that doesn't have your full attention, then you're not dating the right one.

I loved how you said this. Plus you are totally right and as Cinder pointed out honesty and integrity is of utmost importance in any sort of relationship whether it is a friendship or between a man and woman.

 

[clee356]

Boy did I have HIGH expectations when I was single. My family would tell me that with those expectations, I would most likely stay single forever. I've also had a lot of people in my life who told me I should lower them.

But you know what? After trial and error, I personally believe you kinda need to keep them high. Granted, I know there's no perfect person out there and it would be kinda foolish to expect finding any. But you shouldn't have to compromise what you want. You should never feel like you're just settling for someone. my first boyfriend only fit one thing on my list, and though I was happy overall in the relationship, I did wonder if I was settling. it's not a good feeling and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, so please- don't just settle.

 

[cmarieh]

I wrote a list of qualities I wanted in a man when I was sixteen and it was about fifteen things and as I have gotten older and realized how trivial and petty most of those items were I shrunk it down to about three or four must haves. Of course I have things that would be a huge plus, like I do have a weakness for a man in uniform so I do like police officers and men that are in the military. Over the last year I dissected why I liked those type of men and it was because they give of themselves on a daily basis without any guarantee of coming home again. Even if the man God has for me is not a police officer, I want him to have that same mindset to put others before themselves. They also have a strong, intimate relationship with Jesus Christ and his life mimics what Christ expectations are of his children, is family oriented to the point where his parents play a crucial role in his life, wants children, is a hard worker, and someone I look up to.
My sister and I were having a conversation yesterday and she told me I have too high of expectations and to be completely honest I don't think I do. I have realistic expectations of who I want and who I don't. I desire to have what God wants for me and nothing else matters.

 

[bowharp]

Ahhhhhhh....

From the American Psychiatric Publishing, Inc.

High Expectation => Depression.

 

[bowharp]

Now, I'm not saying be complacence.. but do your best and God will do the rest.

 

[clee356]

I don't think those are high expectations, cmarieh. I think that's reasonable and admirable. I wanted a man with a strong faith as well- I wanted him to be consistent and active in his faith. It took a while, but I actually found him!

 

[Misty77]

That depends on the expectations. Expectations on morality and ethical behavior are good. But having high expectations on things that are subjective is called being controlling. Everyone should be allowed to have their own taste in music, opinions on politics, thoughts on how to apply scriptural truth to their lives, and preferences on how to express themselves.

 

[Shouryu]

I prefer the Lloyd Dobler philosophy: If you start out depressed, everything's just kind of a pleasant surprise. ^_^

 

[Miri]

Maybe it's just me but the older I get, the less I expect from
people and from life - the world seems to have very little to offer
and not much shocks me now. I'm just grateful to God that my
needs are met.


Let you be you and let them be them.

God willing you and them might be compatible.

 

[Lynx]

I prefer the Lloyd Dobler philosophy: If you start out depressed, everything's just kind of a pleasant surprise. ^_^

Yeah? Tell that to Eeyore.

 

[Siberian_Khatru]

Expectations are what lead to disappointment. I try to suppress them as much as possible, but not hope; I always have hope.

And I know better than to expect too much of myself. (But I do set the bar high for myself.)

 

[PoetMary]

I prefer the Lloyd Dobler philosophy: If you start out depressed, everything's just kind of a pleasant surprise. ^_^

*Standing outside Shouryu's window with a boom box playing a Peter Gabriel song*

 

[ServantStrike]

I wrote a list of qualities I wanted in a man when I was sixteen and it was about fifteen things and as I have gotten older and realized how trivial and petty most of those items were I shrunk it down to about three or four must haves. Of course I have things that would be a huge plus, like I do have a weakness for a man in uniform so I do like police officers and men that are in the military. Over the last year I dissected why I liked those type of men and it was because they give of themselves on a daily basis without any guarantee of coming home again. Even if the man God has for me is not a police officer, I want him to have that same mindset to put others before themselves. They also have a strong, intimate relationship with Jesus Christ and his life mimics what Christ expectations are of his children, is family oriented to the point where his parents play a crucial role in his life, wants children, is a hard worker, and someone I look up to.
My sister and I were having a conversation yesterday and she told me I have too high of expectations and to be completely honest I don't think I do. I have realistic expectations of who I want and who I don't. I desire to have what God wants for me and nothing else matters.

I think you just have a thing for guys in dangerous jobs . You know what they say, there are no atheists in foxholes.

The divorce rate is high among men in uniform though, so be careful.

Other than that, I'm not sure that asking for a Christian with a faith that shows fruit is really being all that picky. If you don't require that, you'll just end up one of the tons of women I see who go to church alone - and children typically follow the male role model in the house. If dad isn't saved there's a good chance the children won't be either.

Now, I'm not saying be complacence.. but do your best and God will do the rest.

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That's assuming that people are doing their best. Sometimes doing your best is painful.

If you don't try, the outcome is guaranteed. It's sounds trite I know, but If any one tries to jump on me about how I don't understand and it's so hard to find a date etc. I can compile the numbers to show that my own rejection rate is hovering around 80-90 percent. I'm never that cold to others but they do seem to be that way to me. I just laugh about it (mostly).

 

[Dino246]

That depends on the expectations. Expectations on morality and ethical behavior are good. But having high expectations on things that are subjective is called being controlling. Everyone should be allowed to have their own taste in music, opinions on politics, thoughts on how to apply scriptural truth to their lives, and preferences on how to express themselves.

Having high expectations on subjective things is *not* controlling, unless you are expecting your already-dating partner to change to meet those expectations. Prior to dating, those are simply preferences, which you may or may not surrender in order to accept someone new.

Blessings,
Dino