I
My testimony is still playing out. I tried to write about it, but it got too long and i was trying to type through a waterfall.
I don't know why its still so fresh. Memories
feel like yesterday. The flashbacks are so vivid. I play scenes out with my father in my head trying to change what happened. Classic PTSD. I have conversations with my family.. Things I wish I'd been strong enough to say when it might have mattered. This is daily.
I have no contact with any of my family. Haven't in 13 years. Except for my sister. And its been 2 years since I've spoken to or seen her.
I raised my siblings before we were adopted. From 5-8 I was wife and mother while my biological mom was strung out on drugs.
She's currently sitting in prison on a 15 yr sentence for manslaughter. She ran over her boyfriend with her car. She's also on anti psychotics. Hoping it's drug induced and not hereditary but I sure do feel pretty nuts at times.
I put our adopted father in prison for the years of abuse we had to endure, but I didn't find the strength until I'd met my husband and had my first son. My family, except my one sister, sat opposite us in the courtroom. I'd worn a wire and got my father to finally admit what he'd done. He blamed us. Surprise. Said he'd found a way to piss us off... This from the man who for the first four years instructed us in the ways of Jesus. Taught us from the Bible, led family devotions. We prayed over every meal, us girls covering our heads. We wore head coverings in our home based church with other foster/adopted families. Life was so great for four years! Considering where we came from, this was heaven.
I'd been molested by my biological mom's husband from 5-7. When I told a friend he was sent to prison for 2 years, my mom taking us with her to visit him. She made me apologize...
So these first four years was perfect. I had my family with me and our new parents were so kind and loving.
Until we moved across country and away from Social Services involvement. (Visits checkups etc)
At 12 I realized I was moved from one hell to another. With a small taste of heaven in between. I had always rather easily talked to Jesus like he was right beside me. I felt him with me for a good while. Until the molestation turned to beatings. I was hit like I was a grown man. I tried taking the blame for my brother and sisters but there was always a reason to hit us, so they got it anyway.
Why the 180° I'll never understand. They became animals. Except to their own biological children. A son and daughter. Their kids got to watch our beatings and we'd get to see them laugh at us. It was just really awful.
After they began homeschooling us it only got worse, what with us not having anyone else to see the bruises.
Back to the courtroom. The boy and girl that I RAISED .. were supporting the only parents they remembered. I changed their diapers and found them food while mom was away on a binge. I mothered them. They were mine. And they chose our abusers.
From the age of 22-24 I found myself again and sent father to prison.
I hadn't heard Jesus reply in years and so I let him go. I felt betrayed. Twice over. I felt totally abandoned. With the loss of my family after the trial, I crashed. I just imploded.
Today I struggle to repair my relationship with Jesus but am assaulted at every turn.
The depression consumes me. And affects my family. My husband is at a loss. I'm so hard on him. He's so strong, just doesn't understand. I am so lost most of the time.
I need peace. I need comfort. I have forgiven them, I thought. But its not helping. I don't know what I'm doing wrong.
I dont hate them. I pity them if I feel anything. I can't say I love them with any love but that from Jesus. There will never be closure. I don't dou t this. So I'm stuck. And its a vicious cycle of trying to get close to God, questioning myself, why bother, he didn't seem to give a damn.
I want to be able to live my life for Jesus like Jesus. I want to be an example to my sons. A better one. I cry a lot and get irritated so easily because I'm always arguing with ppl in my mind. But I adore them. They're turning into little gentlemen and I feel like I'm missing it. There's no joy in my life.
I talk to God. I try to study His word. But my mind won't be quiet long enough to absorb anything of substance. One day I feel a revelation and the next I'm a wreck.
How can I get control of this? Lifelong. My whole life!!, Can I PLEASE get some relief????
Please. Just pray that someone will know what I need to do to make this stop.
(Sorry. It became a novel thru a waterfall anyway.)
I don't know why its still so fresh. Memories
feel like yesterday. The flashbacks are so vivid. I play scenes out with my father in my head trying to change what happened. Classic PTSD. I have conversations with my family.. Things I wish I'd been strong enough to say when it might have mattered. This is daily.
I have no contact with any of my family. Haven't in 13 years. Except for my sister. And its been 2 years since I've spoken to or seen her.
I raised my siblings before we were adopted. From 5-8 I was wife and mother while my biological mom was strung out on drugs.
She's currently sitting in prison on a 15 yr sentence for manslaughter. She ran over her boyfriend with her car. She's also on anti psychotics. Hoping it's drug induced and not hereditary but I sure do feel pretty nuts at times.
I put our adopted father in prison for the years of abuse we had to endure, but I didn't find the strength until I'd met my husband and had my first son. My family, except my one sister, sat opposite us in the courtroom. I'd worn a wire and got my father to finally admit what he'd done. He blamed us. Surprise. Said he'd found a way to piss us off... This from the man who for the first four years instructed us in the ways of Jesus. Taught us from the Bible, led family devotions. We prayed over every meal, us girls covering our heads. We wore head coverings in our home based church with other foster/adopted families. Life was so great for four years! Considering where we came from, this was heaven.
I'd been molested by my biological mom's husband from 5-7. When I told a friend he was sent to prison for 2 years, my mom taking us with her to visit him. She made me apologize...
So these first four years was perfect. I had my family with me and our new parents were so kind and loving.
Until we moved across country and away from Social Services involvement. (Visits checkups etc)
At 12 I realized I was moved from one hell to another. With a small taste of heaven in between. I had always rather easily talked to Jesus like he was right beside me. I felt him with me for a good while. Until the molestation turned to beatings. I was hit like I was a grown man. I tried taking the blame for my brother and sisters but there was always a reason to hit us, so they got it anyway.
Why the 180° I'll never understand. They became animals. Except to their own biological children. A son and daughter. Their kids got to watch our beatings and we'd get to see them laugh at us. It was just really awful.
After they began homeschooling us it only got worse, what with us not having anyone else to see the bruises.
Back to the courtroom. The boy and girl that I RAISED .. were supporting the only parents they remembered. I changed their diapers and found them food while mom was away on a binge. I mothered them. They were mine. And they chose our abusers.
From the age of 22-24 I found myself again and sent father to prison.
I hadn't heard Jesus reply in years and so I let him go. I felt betrayed. Twice over. I felt totally abandoned. With the loss of my family after the trial, I crashed. I just imploded.
Today I struggle to repair my relationship with Jesus but am assaulted at every turn.
The depression consumes me. And affects my family. My husband is at a loss. I'm so hard on him. He's so strong, just doesn't understand. I am so lost most of the time.
I need peace. I need comfort. I have forgiven them, I thought. But its not helping. I don't know what I'm doing wrong.
I dont hate them. I pity them if I feel anything. I can't say I love them with any love but that from Jesus. There will never be closure. I don't dou t this. So I'm stuck. And its a vicious cycle of trying to get close to God, questioning myself, why bother, he didn't seem to give a damn.
I want to be able to live my life for Jesus like Jesus. I want to be an example to my sons. A better one. I cry a lot and get irritated so easily because I'm always arguing with ppl in my mind. But I adore them. They're turning into little gentlemen and I feel like I'm missing it. There's no joy in my life.
I talk to God. I try to study His word. But my mind won't be quiet long enough to absorb anything of substance. One day I feel a revelation and the next I'm a wreck.
How can I get control of this? Lifelong. My whole life!!, Can I PLEASE get some relief????
Please. Just pray that someone will know what I need to do to make this stop.
(Sorry. It became a novel thru a waterfall anyway.)
